shadowplay Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Right now my problem isn't lack of opportunity or the ability to start new friendships. It's pushing the friendships from the initial awkward stage to something more natural. I'm in an ideal situation. My new apartment comes with a ready made network of friends. The two girls I live with are both cool, friendly people. The newest one also has a small group of her own friends that she has invited me to join. I just met her a few days ago, but she's talked about us all having a girl's night out and a barbecue. I really like her, and would love to be her friend. Problem is I'm so freakin' awkward. My mind blanks out around girls. I never quite reach that totally effortless phase a friendship needs to survive. The last time I did I was 12. Since then every attempt has flopped. Up until now my coping strategy was avoidance. Throwing myself back into the throng, I'm re-experiencing all the emotions of my 14-year-old self. Let's say I'm at a bar with a group of mixed guys and girls. Most people feel awkward at first and then ease up as the night wears on. I'm the opposite. I start with a bang, and then lose myself as other people get more comfortable. I lose sight of what I think or who I even am. Initially I'll try to talk to everyone around me. Guys -- I'll be friendly and ask them a few questions or say something about myself. Immediately notice that they seem totally unresponsive and usually pay more attention to the other girls. This lowers my confidence a peg. I pull back and stop trying with them. They don't engage me either, so the indifference is mutual from this point on. Girls -- After the guys slight me I turn my full attention to the girls. But I'm still feeling ****ty about the male rejection and it competes with other thoughts, like things to say. At first it's OK, but then I run out of material and it devolves into a bad interview. Back and forth Q&A. At least the girls seem interested in talking to me, but even though they give me a chance, I have trouble delivering. I grow quiet and space out a little. None of this time am I even feeling nervous. I'm pretty relaxed. I just feel empty and sleepy. "Dead" might be the best descriptor. Anyone else experience these problems and gotten better?
USMCHokie Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Guys -- I'll be friendly and ask them a few questions or say something about myself. Immediately notice that they seem totally unresponsive and usually pay more attention to the other girls. This lowers my confidence a peg. I pull back and stop trying with them. They don't engage me either, so the indifference is mutual from this point on. I can only address the guy aspect for obvious reasons...but I find that it's easier to approach new people in a group environment than trying to approach them one-on-one. For example, if a few people are talking about something, go ahead and join in the circle. You don't necessarily have to talk much; you can simply observe and listen to what they're talking about. If you have thoughts on the topic, go ahead and find an opportunity to add your input. It's hard to cold approach new people and go straight to the "interview questions"...it's not a very natural way to make new conversation...so try to gauge what topics are floating around the room...I know you're a smart girl, so I have no doubt you can converse intelligently about most things...try less "get to know you" conversation and more situational conversation...it's easier for people to get comfortable and interested in you...and likewise, it's easier for you to get to know people without actually having to ask specific questions to get to know them... Don't try to single out people to talk to too early on...stick with the group mentality until you find someone who actually interests you based on initial group conversation or until someone finds you particularly interesting...that is, don't force the one-on-one interactions...
tman666 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I tend to be the same way, to be perfectly honest. I think the main problem is that I tend to find the idle Q and A chit chat to be boring, and eventually it just wears me out. At this point, I kind of withdraw into my own thoughts. Most people seem to be comfortable conversing in the typical questions-everyone-gets-asked-every-day and answers-no-one-really-cares-about format. Much is spoken, but little is said... I've also noticed that I need to "warm up" my social skills before I can socialize to my fullest potential. Sometimes this involves just getting in the right mood. Usually, alcohol seems to help. It always seems like after everyone in a group is a little buzzed, keeping conversations going is no longer an issue. Perhaps the "starting with a bang" approach is coming across as you trying too hard. I'm not saying that you are or anything like that, but it might come across that way to some people. My suggestion is that you avoid talking to the guys until you're warmed up. Feeling rejected and slighted is a bad way to start off the night. Also, stop basing whether or not you're having a good time by how the guys respond. You don't need that. You're out to have a good time, so if they don't want to reciprocate, it's their loss.
Author shadowplay Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 I tend to be the same way, to be perfectly honest. I think the main problem is that I tend to find the idle Q and A chit chat to be boring, and eventually it just wears me out. At this point, I kind of withdraw into my own thoughts. Most people seem to be comfortable conversing in the typical questions-everyone-gets-asked-every-day and answers-no-one-really-cares-about format. Much is spoken, but little is said... I've also noticed that I need to "warm up" my social skills before I can socialize to my fullest potential. Sometimes this involves just getting in the right mood. Usually, alcohol seems to help. It always seems like after everyone in a group is a little buzzed, keeping conversations going is no longer an issue. Perhaps the "starting with a bang" approach is coming across as you trying too hard. I'm not saying that you are or anything like that, but it might come across that way to some people. My suggestion is that you avoid talking to the guys until you're warmed up. Feeling rejected and slighted is a bad way to start off the night. Also, stop basing whether or not you're having a good time by how the guys respond. You don't need that. You're out to have a good time, so if they don't want to reciprocate, it's their loss. The weird thing is alcohol only makes it harder for me to socialize. My mind blanks out more. It's only better with alcohol when I'm extremely drunk, but that's not a good place to be.
tman666 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 The weird thing is alcohol only makes it harder for me to socialize. My mind blanks out more. It's only better with alcohol when I'm extremely drunk, but that's not a good place to be. Well, you know yourself better than I do (obviously). I just know that *most* people loosen up a lot after a couple few drinks. And of course, being ****faced generally just makes people look bad to everyone. If you're not drinking, you could always wait a little bit (after everyone else is buzzed) to turn on your A game. I'm not trying to imply that people need to be drunk to talk to you or anything . I'm just trying to come up with a strategy.
Kamille Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 It took me a long time, but I eventually realized you don't have to be outgoing to fit into a group. First and foremost, you have to be comfortable. You're already doing great being able to get the conversation going. For the next little while, when in a group environment, give yourself the right to enjoy other people's conversations without having to participate. Listen to what they say, laugh if they make you laugh, chip in if you have something to say. Just enjoy it. Observe how people interact and what interactional styles you like. Speak when you feel like it, not because you feel you have to. And yes, it does get easier;).
Star Gazer Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Well, IME I've bonded the most with friends who I've shared experiences with. Your filmmaking club would probably provide those opportunities, or the game (frisbee?) you were invited to the other day. And then after that base level is established, I've bonded the most with women after sharing stories about our upbringings and past relationships - particularly the struggles.
USMCHokie Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Well, IME I've bonded the most with friends who I've shared experiences with. Your filmmaking club would probably provide those opportunities, or the game (frisbee?) you were invited to the other day. And then after that base level is established, I've bonded the most with women after sharing stories about our upbringings and past relationships - particularly the struggles. +1. My lifelong best friends are the ones that I shared the toughest times with...common adversity creates bonds that are truly stronger than most friendships and that can never be broken...
Kamille Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Yes, bonding comes with time and experience and sharing stories. Try to avoid gossiping to create false intimacy though.
Els Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Ever thought bars just aren't your social niche, be they for guy OR girl interactions?
robinmarkk Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Making girlfriend is not a easy job. You like your new friend. You love her. So if you want to know she loves you or not. For that looks in her eyes. Because eye never say lie. Love start from eye to eye contact. Understand her feelings. She is your new friend. So give her some time.
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