Dumped Because I Was Honest About My Abuse

[shadowplay]

Hey OP, hope you do well on your test

 

Here's something to think about. If a man were to share with you what you've shared here, how would that revelation affect your perception of and attraction to him? The prior poster makes a healthy point about a 'good man'. Can you bring 'good woman' to the table and how does that work for you? In a healthy relationship there is balance. Both partners contribute to it. The lack of balance at the elemental levels of empathy, patience and support were a large contributor to the demise of my marriage *but* taught me important lessons about their value as well as effects on attachment and attraction. Good luck

 

From my perspective, I'd never judge a man for that. And I think a guy who would consider that a deal-breaker isn't emotionally unhealthy.

[SassyKitten]

sometimes a little "shove" or attack is what we need to stay focused. I think J Bean's words were more of the shove and not the attack.

 

True, but when you're dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder, which I thought was under control for several years now but this breakup combined with me severing my relationship with my mother this year brought on non-stop symptoms of all over again, even a shove is not the way to go.

 

Most people probably aren't aware of this, but now you know.

[mickleb]

Just sent this email to the ex.....

 

And it feels so good!!!!!

 

J**,

 

Thank you for the ticket. While I won't be setting foot in Hawaii, Delta was so kind as to let me pay a small fee to change the ticket to one to Montreal and back!!

 

Just the vacation I need to recover from a man who was very good at deceiving me, making me fall in love with him, left me broken, and left me with proof that thanks to my past, things that were done to me, and things completely out of my control I will always be single. Feel free to look up "M** B********" on Facebook after I return on August the 15th, lots of photos of me enjoying myself will be posted.

 

Have fun ****ing Priscilla!!

 

Sincerely,

M**

 

PS - I never liked the idea of shaving my pussy bald, which is basically indulging closeted pedophiles' fantasies, anyway, nor did I even enjoy the idea of cum on me. Some women are deluded into thinking they like to be screwed a la porn star, but not me.

 

This is how you introduced yourself to this forum. Not 'I am recovering from PTSD'. On this forum we can only go by what you tell us.

 

Your thread is about your struggle to communicate effectively. You try to present as a fierce, strong woman then become abusive at those who suggest you are not, then tell us to treat you with kid gloves because you have PTSD.

 

I wonder if this kind pattern has played out in any of your relationships before, familial or not?

 

You, like any of us, are a work in progress. Your communication skills need work. As does your ability to take responsibility for your own mistakes. Again, like the rest of us.

 

Breathe a little, SK. Hang onto your emotionally vulnerable self and try to tell us, calmly, what you need. Then we can help you find it.

 

x

[SassyKitten]

Fair enough, as it isn't untill about page 5 or 6 of the thread I posted where it goes from my emotions to the reason behind it. What happened with this man was that I wanted to be honest with him about abuse that I survived growing up and has left me estranged from both of my parents. Not to dump emotional baggage as so many like to put it, but because while I have done lots of work on overcoming this, I still have bad days and need a hug every now and then. Plus it explains why he'll never meet my parents.

 

But then this time, and the other 2 times in my life that I have shared this with a boyfriend, they've all dumped me within a week, for an ex-girlfriend! All 3 times! I'm seeing a very disturbing pattern here, that I'm not allowed to be honest, because then men see me as damaged goods and therefore think that I deserve to be starved of love and affection that most can take for granted. Basically, he abandoned me at the worst possible time, and lately I've been having nightmare flashbacks to my childhood at least every 2nd night since the breakup.

 

Not to mention I'm having to study like hell for this test today because I was in my room all weekend, crying, trying to function, but unable. And back to studying, but now you know that I'm not mormally like this, it's just right now I feel like all of this work I have done throughout my 20s to overcome this has unravelled.

 

The other 2 times I experienced this, it was excruciating, it took my months to cope, and then I tricked myself into thinking I coped by sleeping around. This time, despite the fact that we did meet online unlike the other 2 where it was normal flesh and blood and we actually had sex, this most recent time hurts the most by far. And I'm trying to save myself from doing something stupid in order to rebound from this!

 

Back to studying. That douchebag better not have cost me my A in my accounting class.

[txsilkysmoothe]

In response to your question about how to answer a question about your family on first dates, I don't think you need to go into much detail or focus on the status of your relationship with family. I would suggest the following and I hope it's applicable -

 

Most of my family lives in "city." I have "?" brothers and "?" sisters. I'm the oldest, the youngest, a middle child.

 

On a first or second date, that is plenty of information. It's not being dishonest to limit how much you share, it's just recognizing it's not the right time.

[SassyKitten]

True, but then usually I get asked questions like "What do they do?", etc, that get extremely uncomfortable very quickly. Even if I don't volunteer this information, I can't even think about my parents without getting nauseous, and nervous, and then that's usually our last date.

 

Plus it seems like common courtesy to ask a man about his family, which has only been an uncomfortable topic of conversation for 1 out of the 30+ men I've dated in my lifetime.

 

Sorry if I'm seeming difficult, I'm just giving a glimpse into my world here.

 

And same can be said about my brother and sister. I don't speak to my brother anymore, after finding out how he abused my nieces and nephew in the same way I was abused, and I do still maintain a close relationship with all of the kids and my brother's ex-wife. As for my sister, she accused me of lying and trying to cause trouble in the family, and as a woman in her 40s she can't hold down a job so she basically kisses my father's ass and acts as his minion. Nasty family history, I know, we could so easily be on Jerry Springer. Not the way to impress a date.

Edited August 3, 2010 by SassyKitten

[gamma1]

But then this time, and the other 2 times in my life that I have shared this with a boyfriend, they've all dumped me within a week, for an ex-girlfriend! All 3 times! I'm seeing a very disturbing pattern here, that I'm not allowed to be honest, because then men see me as damaged goods and therefore think that I deserve to be starved of love and affection that most can take for granted. Basically, he abandoned me at the worst possible time, and lately I've been having nightmare flashbacks to my childhood at least every 2nd night since the breakup.

SassyKitten, the trend was that all three men were jerks. On top of that, three is often not enough to base a trend on.

 

The most important thing now to work on is picking better men.

 

You're going to have to explain your situation with your family sooner or later. That doesn't mean you have to give every minute detail, but men will ask and you can't lie to them. Maybe some people on here will have some good advice on exactly what to say. If a man can't accept you for who you are, you don't need him. Don't forget that you have a ton of great qualities which just about any good man will love.

 

I know of couples where one spouse was not close to their family. Sometimes they become very close with the family of who they marry. It is a beautfiul thing to see. I could see this happening in your case if you marry a man who is close with his family.

[mickleb]

Yep.

 

I guess I'd give you the advice I orginally sent your way. And suggest that the more you keep learning how to manage your difficult feelings about your past, the more easily the words you should use regarding questions about your family will become. You'll get to the point where you can make a bit of a joke about them and put someone off the scent with ease.

 

Actually, you've had loads of good advice here. (Apart from the one-night stand thing. That was a bit weird..)

 

Hope the exam went well.

 

x

[SassyKitten]

Hope the exam went well.

 

x

 

The exam was much easier than I thought. Based on what I was told about this particular professor's final, and what some other accounting finals were like that I've had, I was expecting it to be killer, but it was a lot easier than I thought! I won't know for sure if I have my A in the course untill Thursday, and I really hope I do, because he wasted so much time with me emotionally drained that I could have been using for studying.

 

Also, I do have a very good feeling right now, though I don't know how long it's going to last. I was driving home from my exam thinking about how this time tomorrow, I was supposed to be in Hawaii with him. And then I realized "Wait, I'm not having sex with him tomorrow, I love it!!!!!":rolleyes:

 

So not bad, I got a ticket to Montreal out of it, and I didn't even have sex for it or even show my breasts. Feels very good in a strange way. Besides, as of a few weeks ago he wasn't considerate of me at all elsewhere anyway, and men like that usually aren't behind closed doors.

 

That said, don't put it past me just yet to definitely need some comforting as of tomorrow, seeing as it was the day I was supposed to fly out there.

[carhill]

Hey, glad to read the exam went well. Tomorrow will be just another day, one of preparation for your trip to Montreal. Heck, dive into the sites, sounds and smells of the city on the internet and the day will be gone before you know it. I remember one night climbing onto the Trans-Siberian express on YouTube and it brought back all those memories of travels by train in the CIS/FSU and it was 3am before I knew it and felt like I had truly been there, smelled Lake Baikal and shared my vodka stash with my coupe mates.

 

Anyway, you get the picture

[2sunny]

when someone asks me a question i don't feel comfortable answering... i just tell them i'm not comfortable discussing my private life until i know someone longer. besides - most people like to talk about themselves... so i just ask THEM loads of questions - then i listen intently to their answers.

 

also - i needed much more growth... so i switched counselors when i needed more work and a new perspective and someone to push me harder. it was awesome to have a new set of eyes helping me find a better way at that stage of my progress.

[SassyKitten]

Hey, glad to read the exam went well. Tomorrow will be just another day, one of preparation for your trip to Montreal. Heck, dive into the sites, sounds and smells of the city on the internet and the day will be gone before you know it. I remember one night climbing onto the Trans-Siberian express on YouTube and it brought back all those memories of travels by train in the CIS/FSU and it was 3am before I knew it and felt like I had truly been there, smelled Lake Baikal and shared my vodka stash with my coupe mates.

 

Anyway, you get the picture

 

Yes, and now that I have no more exams to study for I actually have time to completely throw myself into getting ready to go there!! Have just started with downloading a nice French phrasebook app for my phone. I can speak basic French, but I always like to do my best when I'm travelling somewhere.

[2sunny]

if you were to take action on being powerless by the abuse you experienced then it would lose the power it has held over your happiness.

 

formulate a plan with a therapist about pressing charges against your abuser. that will help you feel that you have some power over allowing others to hurt you.

 

it will also incriminated the ones who did the abusing - which is truly where the punishment lies - not with you = the victim... justice will be alive and well when the abuser is exposed for the truth of the situation.

 

it takes action and courage on your behalf...but the freedom is worth it. you will no longer be the victim - you will become the warrior.

[SassyKitten]

if you were to take action on being powerless by the abuse you experienced then it would lose the power it has held over your happiness.

 

formulate a plan with a therapist about pressing charges against your abuser. that will help you feel that you have some power over allowing others to hurt you.

 

it will also incriminated the ones who did the abusing - which is truly where the punishment lies - not with you = the victim... justice will be alive and well when the abuser is exposed for the truth of the situation.

 

it takes action and courage on your behalf...but the freedom is worth it. you will no longer be the victim - you will become the warrior.

 

I consulted with a few lawyers about this a couple of years ago, however none of them could help me because of statue of limitations. Basically if enough time has passed since your childhood, depending on the state it can be up to 5 years, then you can't press charges at all. It is a rule that was obviously written by someone who doesn't realize that for victims of child abuse, it's very unusual to realize the full magnitude of how much it affected you untill often the person is even older than I am.

 

So I'm looking at it as best revenge is being more successful than he ever was, in spite of him.

[2sunny]

I consulted with a few lawyers about this a couple of years ago, however none of them could help me because of statue of limitations. Basically if enough time has passed since your childhood, depending on the state it can be up to 5 years, then you can't press charges at all. It is a rule that was obviously written by someone who doesn't realize that for victims of child abuse, it's very unusual to realize the full magnitude of how much it affected you untill often the person is even older than I am.

 

So I'm looking at it as best revenge is being more successful than he ever was, in spite of him.

 

ok. then take a friend with you and go face to face with the abuser and tell them exactly how they harmed you and that you will not give them that power any longer - that is the reason you are there for the frank talk... to let it all out and let it all go.

 

exposure. you would be amazed if you started talking about it to other members of his/her family that you will find others he/she has done it too as well. the truth will come out - and this person will have to live with the actions they created and have spent all this time covering up.

 

no more cover up and lies = healing for you. you want to be free? try it!

[SassyKitten]

ok. then take a friend with you and go face to face with the abuser and tell them exactly how they harmed you and that you will not give them that power any longer - that is the reason you are there for the frank talk... to let it all out and let it all go.

 

exposure. you would be amazed if you started talking about it to other members of his/her family that you will find others he/she has done it too as well. the truth will come out - and this person will have to live with the actions they created and have spent all this time covering up.

 

no more cover up and lies = healing for you. you want to be free? try it!

 

I would have to be so much more together that I have ever been in order to be in the same room as either of my parents. My mother lives close by to where I am, though I wrote her the letter formally ceasing contact just over a month ago. As for my father, I haven't spoken to him in 8 years, and it would probably take about 12 hours to drive to where he is from here. Not to mention that he would definitely turn violent. There's a good chance my father is already dead anyway. If he's still alive, he would be turning 71 soon, and he's been smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day since he was a teenager not to mention the liver damage from heavy drinking.

[2sunny]

I would have to be so much more together that I have ever been in order to be in the same room as either of my parents. My mother lives close by to where I am, though I wrote her the letter formally ceasing contact just over a month ago. As for my father, I haven't spoken to him in 8 years, and it would probably take about 12 hours to drive to where he is from here. Not to mention that he would definitely turn violent. There's a good chance my father is already dead anyway. If he's still alive, he would be turning 71 soon, and he's been smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day since he was a teenager not to mention the liver damage from heavy drinking.

 

if you're not willing - then it may always have power over you getting well.

[SassyKitten]

if you're not willing - then it may always have power over you getting well.

 

I just don't know if that's a good idea. Part of me moving on is trying to forget what they look like.

 

I did write him a letter a few years ago saying exactly how I felt, and that was liberating. He never responded.

[deux ex machina]

...I guess I'd give you the advice I orginally sent your way. And suggest that the more you keep learning how to manage your difficult feelings about your past, the more easily the words you should use regarding questions about your family will become. You'll get to the point where you can make a bit of a joke about them and put someone off the scent with ease. ...

 

Very true.

 

There's great advice in this thread. I did want to add that when you get to know a person in the here and now...that it how they perceive you. As the person you are today. When I have told people bits and pieces of my past, they are blown away and can't believe it.

 

That said, I'm careful with who I disclose such things to. It's not about me, it's what I think about them -- and whether or not I think they have the capacity to put it the proper perspective, as I have. Not everyone is looking out for your best interests, so you should.

 

Stereotypes and assumptions tend to fall away when you truly connect with someone. In the meantime, you might want to consider reserving your emotional energies for school, getting help, healing, and getting confidently steady on your feet for awhile. It's understandable you are feeling emotionally raw, and that's fine...breathe, take your time.

[SassyKitten]

And massive sigh of relief that I'm finally finished with final exams!!!!

 

Will keep you guys updated, thank you so much. xo

[Art_Critic]

SK...

It seems to me that you just have a timing issue...

 

A new relationship or one that hasn't been time tested can't handle a ton of things being dropped out of the blue..

 

You don't owe any guy you date the explanation of your past/chilhood until you feel that you want to tell them and it seems like you just need to keep that one a while longer..

 

It isn't dishonest by not coming out with super personal and painful items that show and keep us vulnerable..

 

My advice..

 

Just wait till you get a guy that is there for you and staying for the right reasons before you unload your childhood on him.

I would hazard a guess that almost 10 out of 10 guys will cut and run if told something mildly childhood/abuse related in the beginning of a relationship.

 

I would also hazard another guess and say that 9 out of 10 would stay and be supportive of you if the relationship had more time under it's belt and a stronger bond formed..

 

 

Good Lcuk

[gamma1]

And massive sigh of relief that I'm finally finished with final exams!!!!

 

Will keep you guys updated, thank you so much. xo

Yay! It's no surprise that you did great on your exam.

 

 

SK...

It seems to me that you just have a timing issue...

 

A new relationship or one that hasn't been time tested can't handle a ton of things being dropped out of the blue..

 

You don't owe any guy you date the explanation of your past/chilhood until you feel that you want to tell them and it seems like you just need to keep that one a while longer..

 

It isn't dishonest by not coming out with super personal and painful items that show and keep us vulnerable..

 

My advice..

 

Just wait till you get a guy that is there for you and staying for the right reasons before you unload your childhood on him.

I would hazard a guess that almost 10 out of 10 guys will cut and run if told something mildly childhood/abuse related in the beginning of a relationship.

 

I would also hazard another guess and say that 9 out of 10 would stay and be supportive of you if the relationship had more time under it's belt and a stronger bond formed..

 

 

Good Lcuk

 

Art, I agree timing is one important aspect of it, but I don't think it's everything. I think it's best to wait until well after the early dates to go into the intimate details and I think she probably can get away early on by saying something along the lines of she isn't close with her family if she's asked about it.

 

If I met a woman like her who is very smart and has great looks and a great personality I couldn't even fathom suddenly wanting to dump her if she told me she did not have good parents and I don't think I'm anywhere near alone on this.

 

I'm going to want to know about her family eventually and if we're years into the relationship and I don't know much about her family I'm going to think she's hiding something. Being too evasive is not a good thing.

 

One good indication of when to tell is when the man is telling her about his inner secrets, especially ones which are difficult for him to share.

Edited August 4, 2010 by gamma1