Bryanp Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Hello, Why would you not tell your husband the name of the OM and who he is? It sounds like you are protecting the OM over your husband. This has to be so humiliating to your husband. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think you would be fine not knowing the name of your husband's lover? I am sorry but your actions in this matter are not consistent with your professed love of your husband. Your husband deserves to know who this man is. How can you not see this? What are you really afraid of about him knowing who this man is? Something does not seem right here.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Although I know what you are saying and it does seem that Notsoeasy is making excuses for her, I'd try to stay away from getting down on him too much. We both know what it is like to have to deal with a wife like his. Spectre, never mind this post from me above. After reading her H's thread, I now agree with you.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Ok first off I know that I am 100% guilty and have never blamed my H for this. He is not taking blame or making excuses for me. yes, he is, his posts in his thread evidence that all too well. Have you guys who keep berateing and putting him down ever thought "huh maybe this guy knows his relationship better that we do'? all I tried to do in his thread was to get him to open his eyes and quit putting the blame on the OM and excusing your actions away by saying you were young. never once did I tell him he absolutely without a doubt needs to divorce you. just to quit being blind. and for that, I guess, we are "bitter". ho hum. I know that I am the luckiest woman in the world to have the man I am so in love with want to try and work through our problems. We started threads here looking for advice and help from people who maybe have a situation similar to ours and could give constructive and helpful advice but instead certain people, not everybody, can do nothing but try and tell me how I feel by saying things like "You don't really love him" and saying that I am not sorry or guilty for what I did. oh I don't know, I don't really see the love for someone by screwing another man. as far as you being sorry or guilty, I can't tell one way or the other and am not going to say that you are not either of those. what I take exception with is the "woe is me" innocent act of saying that you didn't know why you did it.....you know why, but the truth would stick a knife in your husband's heart. So you will say that you didn't know why. I know I did wrong and I will have to pay for it in my relationship with my H and with GOD. I have felt guilt since the day I did what I did and I will feel that for the rest of my life, but all I can do is try to repair my M and try and repair my relationship with God. My H and I have alot of obstacles ahead of us and trials to get through. But we love each other and are going to try very hard, more me than him cause I am the one who cheated what is it that your H has to try very hard for? what has he done? but hopefully we will come out stronger and happier in the end. I still would love any help that I can get in trying to figure out things and trying to help my marriage work. I would love advice on what I can do to help him gain some trust in me. I know I have some work to do to make this happen. I would love any advice that I can get please... Thanks!! become an open book, give him access to your accounts like email, phone records...etc. problem is, somehow he is brainwashed into thinking that if he pushes too hard that you will resent it and he will ruin the relationship when it is you that did it by cheating. so the things it will take for him to trust aren't going to happen because he is cowering at the idea that he may ruin things somehow. so all you can do is be there and not engage in any activities that are unfitting of a married woman. but I got news for you, he will never build 100% trust. Because you have proven that you are more than capable of cheating, and in the very early stages of the R no less, there will always be some doubt in his mind. can you get to a normal place again? sure, anything is possible. better? how can it be better when one spouse has given another spouse a painful reminder. good maybe, but better, I don't see how since you have given him something to ponder for the rest of his life. 1
Dexter Morgan Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 We are not the same person in the aspect of how u r saying, we r husband and wife trying to get some constructive advise. I do not know what u mean by trolling to me that is something u do fishing or at a bar. Please explain your reasoning for saying this.... trolling means just someone here to stir up s##t. i doubt you 2 are trolls, but your H is very naive, and started insulting people who have been in his shoes. so he is just going to have to forgive you, move on, and quit complaining.
LSNoob Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 (edited) I plan to take all and any steps I have to. I am willing to have no privacy and let him have full access to my phone, he already had full access to my email but he will continue to be able to, and if he wants he can put a tracking system on my truck. I don't care what he asks I will do to the best of my abilities. As to your question about being a medical professional and making a visit to his home, the moment that he was discharged and left the hospittaal and I then left the hospital we were just then two people. Once he left the facility he was no longer my patient and I was still a medical professional but not his. I don't want to act like I was the victim in this but When I started going to his house I truly just wanted the friendship. I guess in some ways I am very neieve as I have not experienced how much almost all men think about is sex. I honestly didn't think about the fact that it might turn into sex. I know that when it started leading there I should have stopped it and told him to go to hell but I didn't and I know I have to live with it for the rest of my life. You tell me to describe love, I can't honestly do that. As my husband says try and tell somebody how an apple tastes, you can't cause it just tastes like an apple. Sorry.... We were going through not feeling close to each other and just kind of getting in a rut. We had just let our marriage fizzle and lull. Now is this reason to run to the arms of another man, no. I know I did wrong and I am willing to try and make up for it. So maybe all of this will help people maybe help me to look inside of myself and come to the conclusion of why i let this happen. I appriciate any feedback or advice. Thanks... Cheaters never experience love, because they are selfish people, and we all know selfish people don't like giving. Since love is all about giving, and the fact that you are a cheater ( hate giving ), I'm not surprised you don't know what love is. I can tell you whats love. And this is coming from a 22 yo college guy. Not a woman ( considering women are emotional and they are portrait to be saints and because they are emotional they know what love is and all that), nor am I a doctor ( thought doctors are smart people?? what happened there? ) and of course nor am I married (considering the amount of commitment it requires): Love is about being faithful, loyal, respectful and fully committed to your SO. Not going around fulfilling some guy's porn fantasy, "banging the doctor", or some****. Love is about respect ma'am, where is the respect in that? I can't believe it how you can do all that and say you love your husband. Is this really love? If that's love then what's point of having it? What's point of having being heartbroken, disrespected and humiliated. So now your husband have to live rest of his life feeling like a number two? I will never understand how can a person have pleasure knowing the pain his/her SO will be going through. How can they do it? Are they really that cold and toxic? Are they really that "hard"? Its like stabbing an innocent kid in the heart. Just thinking about it (cheating/stabbing) makes me feel so bad and feeling ****. It's just so ****ing frustrating. Decent people so hard to find these days. Wish I lived in the old days. Edited August 5, 2010 by LSNoob spelling check
Bitterman24/7 Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 We are not the same person in the aspect of how u r saying, we r husband and wife trying to get some constructive advise. I do not know what u mean by trolling to me that is something u do fishing or at a bar. Please explain your reasoning for saying this.... This still doesn't explain why you refuse to identify the identity of OM to your husband.
Darth Vader Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 This still doesn't explain why you refuse to identify the identity of OM to your husband. Agreed! Why are you still protecting your OM? Sounds like something's still going on to me. Do you realize all the images that you gave your husband by Riding this OM? Do you realize the Trauma you caused him? He hasn't even hit the anger stage yet, be prepared, he has no obligation to make this marriage work, you realize that right?
2sunny Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 This still doesn't explain why you refuse to identify the identity of OM to your husband. why haven't you exposed your OM to your husband? you show that your alliances stronger with your OM than your H. betrayal is still upon you. why can't you be honest? was it not a patient? why the secrecy? as long as you keep your truth from your husband - he has no reason to forgive you - much less he has no reason to believe that you are willing to be completely honest. your actions don't match your words. honor your husband? willing to be honest? willing to suffer consequences for your bad behavior? willing to EARN H trust back? doesn't look like it... what are you willing to do to change all of this?
2sunny Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 and why is this under cheating/flirting/jealousy? YOU cheated! it is INFIDELITY! own it! you are married! you act as if this is just something trivial. it's not.
stillafool Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Thanks, that is starting to give me a better picture of what's going on. When I asked what steps you were willing to take, you focused exclusively on trust issues. That might be what your husband needs and it might not. When you cheat like this it doesn't just damage his trust. It shows him that you do not respect him. My suggestion is that you sit down together and work out some kind of agreement for rebuilding trust and showing him that you respect him as a husband and man. Also talk about any other negative feelings he may have from this and how you may help to fix it. Remember no matter how hard you work to fix it he has to be willing to ultimately forgive. The AMA and several states consider it an ethical violation to date patients. It seems you consider his treatment to have been over and that you were in the clear to begin a relationship with him (friendship). I can understand you being naive regarding his intentions. However, I have a hard time believing you were a victim, or that you had no idea this guy had a romantic interest in you. Why did you feel the need to have this guy as a "friend"? When he make a move on you why did you not stop? and why did you allow it to go all the way to sex? How much contact did you have with this guy before going over to his house? How long had you known him? What kind of contact did you have with him? Ok... so you just let your marriage get stale? Thats it? Were you upset with your Husband regarding anything? Any fighting? You really think that love is something that cannot be described? I think people have been describing it for 4000 years. Bottom line, Do you love your husband? Did you love him then? This is why I think the OP is a troll. If you really wanted help why didn't you answer the above questions?
Darth Vader Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 This is why I think the OP is a troll. If you really wanted help why didn't you answer the above questions? You got a point. Neither one of them has responded.
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