I cheated and need .....

[sorryincolorado]

Hey all, I am new to this whole forum thing so please bear with me.

 

I cheated on my husband and instead of being a good wife and telling him what I did and begging for forgivness he found out on his own by reading a text that I sent to a friend about letting the other guy go cause I realized what I was doing and I also realized how much I am in love with my husband and that I couldn't imagine loosing him.

I know what I did was wrong and that I don't deserve forgivness, but because he is a very loving and forgiving guy he is willing to try and get through this and hopfully make us better for it. I am also very willing to do all the above plus way more. I am willing to do whatever I can for him and help him cope with his emotions. I really feel that we can get through this but we/he/I need help. I would like any advice as to what I can do to help him. I would also like some suggestions as to why I would have done this as I am having a hard time figuring that out for myself. Both my husband and I are going to go to couseling and seek help for all of this, but I just would like other's opinions and advice. I know him and I were having a hard time with our marriage but I should have went to him and tried to work on us instead of doing what I did. Please feel free to ask questions to better give me advice I have no problems with it. Thanks in advance....

[norajane]

Go to marriagebuilders.com and try their plans for repairing a marriage after infidelity.

[Bryanp]

You have a lot of problems to deal with. First, you cheated on your husband and put his health at risk for STD's. You both must be tested. Second was that you did not trust your husband enough to be honest with him and he had to find out by himself. He now knows he cannot trust you to be honest with him. Imagine how you would be feeling if the roles had been reversed. You need to ask yourself why did you give yourself permission to cheat on your husband and why did you not come clean with him? You have hurt him to his inner core. How long have you been married?

[sorryincolorado]

Go to marriagebuilders.com and try their plans for repairing a marriage after infidelity.

 

Thank You I will do that with my husband

[sorryincolorado]

You have a lot of problems to deal with. First, you cheated on your husband and put his health at risk for STD's. You both must be tested. Second was that you did not trust your husband enough to be honest with him and he had to find out by himself. He now knows he cannot trust you to be honest with him. Imagine how you would be feeling if the roles had been reversed. You need to ask yourself why did you give yourself permission to cheat on your husband and why did you not come clean with him? You have hurt him to his inner core. How long have you been married?

 

I know I have alot to deal with. I know that I have no STD's and I know that the OM didn 't have STDs cause I was able to read his medical file and he had just been tested the day i met him as he was a patient of mine at a hospital I worked at.I know that I did wrong and that I have a lot of repairing to do and also alot of trying to rebuild his trust in me. I know that he can't trust me until I prove it to him. I can't be forgiven until I can prove that I deserve to be. Honestly I know that I do not even deserve for him to be willing to work on things but I am glad that he is. We have a long road ahead of us but I believe if we make it then we will only be that much stronger and more in love. I can't even fathom what he is feeling and how deep I hurt him but I will spend every day of my life trying to make him feel that he is the only one in my world and that he is loved completly by me.

We have been together for over 6 years and married for 3 years.....

[JustJoe]

SIC, you do realize that you are incredibly lucky, don't you. If you were my wife you would be history. You seem to have made a good start (but only a start) in the right direction. Do you have any contact with the OM? If so you need to end ALL contact, permanently. Can you be completely honest with your H? You will have to be. You can have no men friends until you have regained his trust, and only then with his permission. You have a long hard road, but you seem to have wised up. Never take your marriage for granted, again.

[sorryincolorado]

SIC, you do realize that you are incredibly lucky, don't you. If you were my wife you would be history. You seem to have made a good start (but only a start) in the right direction. Do you have any contact with the OM? If so you need to end ALL contact, permanently. Can you be completely honest with your H? You will have to be. You can have no men friends until you have regained his trust, and only then with his permission. You have a long hard road, but you seem to have wised up. Never take your marriage for granted, again.

 

I do realize that I am very lucky. I knew that the day I met my H and I know that I lost sight of that and will never do it again but I will spend my life regretting what I did and trying to make our life better together.

I do not have any contact with the om as I broke it off with him and then blocked his number from ever being able to call or text me again.

I can be completly honest with my H, I didn't necessarily feel that way before all of this but I do now and I have been completly honest with him in every way.

I have never been one to have male friends as it is but I know that I never will unless it is a friend that we have together and only hang out with together.

I agree that we have a long hard bumpy road ahead of us but I am willing to do whatever I have to to make this work.And i will never take him or my marriage for granted again.

[JustJoe]

The main reason I asked these questions, SIC, is that I'm a former OM, myself, and that gives me another perspective on your story. If you keep to what you have said, then there is no reason that you and Notsoeasy can recover. But you must KEEP YOUR WORD.

[Hazyhead]

Your husband, over in the infidelity section, writes in a remarkably similar way to you... starting sentences with the pronoun; lengths of sentences exactly the same; same breaches in punctuation... kinda funny, don't you think?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I can't be forgiven until I can prove that I deserve to be. Honestly I know that I do not even deserve for him to be willing to work on things but I am glad that he is. We have a long road ahead of us but I believe if we make it then we will only be that much stronger and more in love. I can't even fathom what he is feeling and how deep I hurt him but I will spend every day of my life trying to make him feel that he is the only one in my world and that he is loved completly by me.

We have been together for over 6 years and married for 3 years.....

 

There are some questions that nag me. I would greatly appreciate answers and I hope it will fill in the gaps not just for me but for your husband (if he doesn't already know) and for other posters.

 

What steps do you plan to take to make your self "deserving" of "forgiveness"?

 

You state that you don't know why you did this?

 

At what point as a medical professional did you think it was Ok to make a personal visit a patient at home?

 

Also... in visiting his house and spending time with him... what did you expect to happen?

 

What is love to you? Describe it define it.

 

What kind of marital problems specifically were you going through at the time this occurred?

[sorryincolorado]

I need to clarify something, I did not look at his medical file after the fact of sleeping with him, I looked at it cause I had to when I was treating him. So I did not go against moral code when it came to looking at his file.... I noticed some people making reference to this senario on my husbands forum and I just needed to clarify. I am not making excuses or trying to justify my actions just trying to help people have a time line....

[sorryincolorado]

The main reason I asked these questions, SIC, is that I'm a former OM, myself, and that gives me another perspective on your story. If you keep to what you have said, then there is no reason that you and Notsoeasy can recover. But you must KEEP YOUR WORD.

I plan on keeping my word thank u for your help :-)

[sorryincolorado]

Your husband, over in the infidelity section, writes in a remarkably similar way to you... starting sentences with the pronoun; lengths of sentences exactly the same; same breaches in punctuation... kinda funny, don't you think?

My husband and I were talking about this after I read your post, we thought it was actually kinda neat and it made us realize that we are that much more connected and in touch with each other in another way.... Thank u for noticing something that we our selves didn't notice...

[sorryincolorado]

There are some questions that nag me. I would greatly appreciate answers and I hope it will fill in the gaps not just for me but for your husband (if he doesn't already know) and for other posters.

 

What steps do you plan to take to make your self "deserving" of "forgiveness"?

 

You state that you don't know why you did this?

 

At what point as a medical professional did you think it was Ok to make a personal visit a patient at home?

 

Also... in visiting his house and spending time with him... what did you expect to happen?

 

What is love to you? Describe it define it.

 

What kind of marital problems specifically were you going through at the time this occurred?

 

I plan to take all and any steps I have to. I am willing to have no privacy and let him have full access to my phone, he already had full access to my email but he will continue to be able to, and if he wants he can put a tracking system on my truck. I don't care what he asks I will do to the best of my abilities.

As to your question about being a medical professional and making a visit to his home, the moment that he was discharged and left the hospittaal and I then left the hospital we were just then two people. Once he left the facility he was no longer my patient and I was still a medical professional but not his.

I don't want to act like I was the victim in this but When I started going to his house I truly just wanted the friendship. I guess in some ways I am very neieve as I have not experienced how much almost all men think about is sex. I honestly didn't think about the fact that it might turn into sex. I know that when it started leading there I should have stopped it and told him to go to hell but I didn't and I know I have to live with it for the rest of my life.

You tell me to describe love, I can't honestly do that. As my husband says try and tell somebody how an apple tastes, you can't cause it just tastes like an apple. Sorry....

We were going through not feeling close to each other and just kind of getting in a rut. We had just let our marriage fizzle and lull. Now is this reason to run to the arms of another man, no. I know I did wrong and I am willing to try and make up for it.

So maybe all of this will help people maybe help me to look inside of myself and come to the conclusion of why i let this happen. I appriciate any feedback or advice. Thanks...

[Dexter Morgan]

Hey all, I am new to this whole forum thing so please bear with me.

 

I cheated on my husband and instead of being a good wife and telling him what I did and begging for forgivness he found out on his own by reading a text that I sent to a friend about letting the other guy go cause I realized what I was doing and I also realized how much I am in love with my husband and that I couldn't imagine loosing him.

I know what I did was wrong and that I don't deserve forgivness, but because he is a very loving and forgiving guy he is willing to try and get through this and hopfully make us better for it. I am also very willing to do all the above plus way more. I am willing to do whatever I can for him and help him cope with his emotions. I really feel that we can get through this but we/he/I need help.

 

are you willing to do things like, for example(if you partake in such), forgo nights out with friends without your H?

 

we know your H is "notsoeasy". how was it you came to be alone with this other guy? go out with him as a "friend"? out for a night on the town with friends and met him while away from H?

 

If so, then those kind of activities should be over with. this is just an example since we don't know what kind of environments you were in that helped this affair to happen.

 

 

I would like any advice as to what I can do to help him.

 

honestly? first and foremost is to minimize any time away from him. because if you are out doing something other than the basic needs trips, like shopping, etc. he will have in the back of his mind if you are out with another man.

 

so again really, stay home. otherwise you aren't going to instill much confidence in him.

 

not saying you have to be a prisoner, but the alternative isn't showing him that you can really be trusted.

 

But then again, after reading your husband's thread, he is making alot of excuses for you. so blind trust from him may just be established very quickly. this is not a stab at him. I know he is desperate and hurt. been there, done that.

 

 

I would also like some suggestions as to why I would have done this as I am having a hard time figuring that out for myself.

 

oh dont even go there with the "innocent me" routine. you did it because you were attracted to the guy and you wanted him. simple as that.

 

it just frosts my hide when people say, "i don't know how I could have done this".....i call bulls##t on that woe is me line.

 

or are you going to try to point the finger at your husband and say he neglected you or something?

 

so back to what you can do for him....all you can do for him is be there really. words mean nothing, action means everything.

[Dexter Morgan]

I know I have alot to deal with. I know that I have no STD's and I know that the OM didn 't have STDs cause I was able to read his medical file and he had just been tested the day i met him as he was a patient of mine at a hospital I worked at....

 

 

oh you have got to be kidding me?

 

aside from a breach of ethics at your workplace, if he is still a patient there, then its time to start applying at other hospitals/doctor's offices...etc.

 

as long as he is a patient, and you still work at the same place, I woulnd't expect your husband to be ok with anything from you. but then again, I know his mindset as evidenced in his thread, so he probably would let that slide.

 

but still, unless he switches doctors, if you aren't going to start applying elsewhere, then you aren't that interested in doing "whatever it takes".

[Notsoeasy]

I'm gonna step in here, 'cause she prolly doesn't have time right now, but OM is a patient where WW was an extern for completing her degree. That is the extent of that. There will be no future contact! She had already made that decision before I even found out about the A(that is part of what makes this a tiny bit easier/or less painfull!

 

Thanks, BS

[Untouchable_Fire]

I plan to take all and any steps I have to. I am willing to have no privacy and let him have full access to my phone, he already had full access to my email but he will continue to be able to, and if he wants he can put a tracking system on my truck. I don't care what he asks I will do to the best of my abilities.

As to your question about being a medical professional and making a visit to his home, the moment that he was discharged and left the hospittaal and I then left the hospital we were just then two people. Once he left the facility he was no longer my patient and I was still a medical professional but not his.

I don't want to act like I was the victim in this but When I started going to his house I truly just wanted the friendship. I guess in some ways I am very neieve as I have not experienced how much almost all men think about is sex. I honestly didn't think about the fact that it might turn into sex. I know that when it started leading there I should have stopped it and told him to go to hell but I didn't and I know I have to live with it for the rest of my life.

You tell me to describe love, I can't honestly do that. As my husband says try and tell somebody how an apple tastes, you can't cause it just tastes like an apple. Sorry....

We were going through not feeling close to each other and just kind of getting in a rut. We had just let our marriage fizzle and lull. Now is this reason to run to the arms of another man, no. I know I did wrong and I am willing to try and make up for it.

So maybe all of this will help people maybe help me to look inside of myself and come to the conclusion of why i let this happen. I appriciate any feedback or advice. Thanks...

 

Thanks, that is starting to give me a better picture of what's going on.

 

When I asked what steps you were willing to take, you focused exclusively on trust issues. That might be what your husband needs and it might not. When you cheat like this it doesn't just damage his trust. It shows him that you do not respect him. My suggestion is that you sit down together and work out some kind of agreement for rebuilding trust and showing him that you respect him as a husband and man. Also talk about any other negative feelings he may have from this and how you may help to fix it. Remember no matter how hard you work to fix it he has to be willing to ultimately forgive.

 

The AMA and several states consider it an ethical violation to date patients. It seems you consider his treatment to have been over and that you were in the clear to begin a relationship with him (friendship).

 

I can understand you being naive regarding his intentions. However, I have a hard time believing you were a victim, or that you had no idea this guy had a romantic interest in you.

 

Why did you feel the need to have this guy as a "friend"?

 

When he make a move on you why did you not stop? and why did you allow it to go all the way to sex?

 

How much contact did you have with this guy before going over to his house? How long had you known him? What kind of contact did you have with him?

 

Ok... so you just let your marriage get stale? Thats it? Were you upset with your Husband regarding anything? Any fighting?

 

You really think that love is something that cannot be described? I think people have been describing it for 4000 years.

 

Bottom line, Do you love your husband? Did you love him then?

[Spectre]

Look lady, you do not love your husband. Stop saying you do, it's highly annoying when people like you say they love their spouse. If you did, you wouldn't of been spreading your legs for some other man.

 

There is no way around this fact. Unfortunately, your husband seems to be one of those pathetic guys who take back chicks after they cheat on them.

 

If you truly did love him..you'd let him go and find someone else, even if he insists he wants to work things out, if you truly loved him you would see he does not belong with someone like you.

 

Of course, since you cheated on him in the first place it's obvious you don't love him, so I'm sure you will do no such thing.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm gonna step in here, 'cause she prolly doesn't have time right now, but OM is a patient where WW was an extern for completing her degree. That is the extent of that. There will be no future contact! She had already made that decision before I even found out about the A(that is part of what makes this a tiny bit easier/or less painfull!

 

Thanks, BS

 

well thats good to know, because if she still worked where he is a patient, then you'd be crazy for not insisting that she start looking for a job elsewhere.

[Dexter Morgan]

Look lady, you do not love your husband. Stop saying you do, it's highly annoying when people like you say they love their spouse. If you did, you wouldn't of been spreading your legs for some other man.

 

There is no way around this fact. Unfortunately, your husband seems to be one of those pathetic guys who take back chicks after they cheat on them.

 

Although I know what you are saying and it does seem that Notsoeasy is making excuses for her, I'd try to stay away from getting down on him too much. We both know what it is like to have to deal with a wife like his.

[sorryincolorado]

Ok first off I know that I am 100% guilty and have never blamed my H for this. He is not taking blame or making excuses for me. Have you guys who keep berateing and putting him down ever thought "huh maybe this guy knows his relationship better that we do'? I know that I am the luckiest woman in the world to have the man I am so in love with want to try and work through our problems. We started threads here looking for advice and help from people who maybe have a situation similar to ours and could give constructive and helpful advice but instead certain people, not everybody, can do nothing but try and tell me how I feel by saying things like "You don't really love him" and saying that I am not sorry or guilty for what I did. I know I did wrong and I will have to pay for it in my relationship with my H and with GOD. I have felt guilt since the day I did what I did and I will feel that for the rest of my life, but all I can do is try to repair my M and try and repair my relationship with God. My H and I have alot of obstacles ahead of us and trials to get through. But we love each other and are going to try very hard, more me than him cause I am the one who cheated, but hopefully we will come out stronger and happier in the end.

I still would love any help that I can get in trying to figure out things and trying to help my marriage work. I would love advice on what I can do to help him gain some trust in me. I know I have some work to do to make this happen. I would love any advice that I can get please... Thanks!!

[lkjh]

seems like these two are the same person just trolling

[sorryincolorado]

We are not the same person in the aspect of how u r saying, we r husband and wife trying to get some constructive advise. I do not know what u mean by trolling to me that is something u do fishing or at a bar. Please explain your reasoning for saying this....

[Untouchable_Fire]

I still would love any help that I can get in trying to figure out things and trying to help my marriage work. I would love advice on what I can do to help him gain some trust in me. I know I have some work to do to make this happen. I would love any advice that I can get please... Thanks!!

 

Here is how this website works... IF you respond to the people that say mean things... then you give them power. IF you ignore them... they diminish and go away. So... how this thread goes is your choice.

 

Now, I'm trying to give you some advice, that you would not regularly hear in the hopes that it will help you two heal this.

 

Here is what I think:

 

1. You need to wrap your head around why you did this. This was not some passive act... you went out and MADE this happen. You need to understand why, otherwise neither of you will fully heal.

 

2. Your explanation of what was wrong with your marriage at the time this occurred is too vague. Losing the passion is basically what you have said so far. Explain that in detail. No marriage is perfect.

 

3. What permanent steps are you taking to make sure this does not happen again?

 

4. What kind of marriage do you want to have in the future?

 

Is there an age gap between you two? Also any cultural differences?