Notsoeasy Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Another cheatin' wife story, needing ... Hello all, I am the new guy here... I found out two days ago that my wife of 3 years had an affair. It was a one time deal, typical pos male just wanted another "notch". We have spent the last two days talking and getting it out, but I still don't know how to cope with the betrayal! We have a great relationship(well, so it seemed), and I believe that we can again, but how do I constructively proceed? We don't have buckets of money for counseling, but we will try! My biggest fear is "bottling", or trying to compensate, or supress emotions, but I don't want to take on too much, if that is not healthy/productive? Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of friends to discuss this with due to the nature of the problem. And I don't want her to be uncomfortable around people that I've talked to. I have a hard time knowing what all I need to share here, for the best replys, so of anyone has questions, please feel free... I really appreciate any advice that I can get, as I am scared to death that I am gonna screw this up, even with the best of intentions...
Author Notsoeasy Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2919686#post2919686 Here is the other thread that I posted yesterday, only to realize that it was in the wrong spot for "constructive/supportive" advise. I brought this up to avoid a bunch of redundancy. If there are a bunch of questions, some were answered there, but of course, I am willing to answer them again... I don't want a bunch of people to tell me to "Dump the B***H"! I am hoping to find someone/anyone that can please help me through the greatest battle that I have ever had to deal with! I really appreciate any/all help!
YellowShark Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Did you find out, or did she admit to it openly? That is my first question.
Author Notsoeasy Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 I had to find out. The way I found out is that I read a text, that was to a friend of hers, and she said that it(one time), was a huge mistake, she broke it off with OM, and wanted to make our marriage work. And said how much she loved me...
Snowflower Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Notsoeasy, I replied to your thread in Infidelity but I guess you moved over here for some different advice...I don't blame you. I happened to see this post on the "Cheating, Flirting and Jealousy" subforum. It reminded me of your situation (see bolded parts): Hey all, I am new to this whole forum thing so please bear with me. I cheated on my husband and instead of being a good wife and telling him what I did and begging for forgivness he found out on his own by reading a text that I sent to a friend about letting the other guy go cause I realized what I was doing and I also realized how much I am in love with my husband and that I couldn't imagine loosing him. I know what I did was wrong and that I don't deserve forgivness, but because he is a very loving and forgiving guy he is willing to try and get through this and hopfully make us better for it. I am also very willing to do all the above plus way more. I am willing to do whatever I can for him and help him cope with his emotions. I really feel that we can get through this but we/he/I need help. I would like any advice as to what I can do to help him. I would also like some suggestions as to why I would have done this as I am having a hard time figuring that out for myself. Both my husband and I are going to go to couseling and seek help for all of this, but I just would like other's opinions and advice. I know him and I were having a hard time with our marriage but I should have went to him and tried to work on us instead of doing what I did. Please feel free to ask questions to better give me advice I have no problems with it. Thanks in advance.... And then your post below... I had to find out. The way I found out is that I read a text, that was to a friend of hers, and she said that it(one time), was a huge mistake, she broke it off with OM, and wanted to make our marriage work. And said how much she loved me... Coincidence? This wouldn't be the first time this has happened on LS. Good luck!
YellowShark Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 We have a great relationship(well, so it seemed), and I believe that we can again, but how do I constructively proceed? Did you find out, or did she admit to it openly? I had to find out. The way I found out is that I read a text, that was to a friend of hers, and she said that it (one time), was a huge mistake, she broke it off with OM, and wanted to make our marriage work. And said how much she loved me... Ok. So What you say is she told a friend, broke it off, and professed her love for you. And if I read correctly you both want to stay married. So here's what you do. Go see a marriage counsellor together. Start there. Baby steps. Tell her you love her, and want to work it out, but she must be willing to see a marriage counsellor together. That's what you do.
JustJoe Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Not so easy,I think you are being played, but if you will not divorce, then you need to take control of the situation, and she must agree WITHOUT HESITATION, to ALL OF YOUR CONDITIONS. She has to tell you everything that happened (or everything you need to know), she can have absolutely no contact with the OM, ever again, she can have no private contact with ANY man, until YOU say so. She will have to prove and account for her activitieS, ALL activites, until you have regained trust in her. No e-mails, no texting, no phone calls to or from men without your knowledge and consent. She will have to prove her integrity, committment, love and respect, 24/7. AND SHE MUST DO THESE THINGS WILLINGLY. These are the dealbreakers for the affair. To work on your marriage is both simpler and harder. Communication, communication, communication. Talk about everything, whether it interests you or not.. Be there for each other, at all times, whether you feel like it or not. Be each other's rock and place of comfort. Be who you wanted to be, when you married. You have a long, hard road ahead of you. It will take years for this to be just a bad memory. Keep your eyes open, don't trust her until she has proven worthy, and be honest and forgiving, if she passes the test. Good Luck, Dude.
Author Notsoeasy Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 (edited) Yes, that is my wife. She too is confused, and has seen some really positive support from my earlier thread, so she was hoping for some help in her healing as well. Someone refered to our redundancy as a "troll", which I don't understand. But please know that we have no I'll intentions. If this is wrong, we will stop. Thanks, Edited August 3, 2010 by Notsoeasy
JustJoe Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I don't think that anyone is going to be upset that your W is on LS. Perhaps she will learn something, who knows?BTW, what is her take on the replys you have gotten, so far?
Author Notsoeasy Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 Hey Joe, Of course she is really upset with all of the negativity, but really, you are gonna have that when... On the flipside, almost every post has something, that when discussed together, we can learn from. Even the really bitter people still make an accasional good point, or something for her and I to collectively try to acknowledge. Sometimes it's just good for a laugh, or justification... Mostly we appreciate the good advice, such as your's! It is comforting to know that total strangers can put their lives on hold for a bit, and open up to us as strangers with an unselfish act. It helps us to realize, that if all of these people are willing to put in that much effort, for total strangers, why in the world would we not put in exponentially more?!?!? So thank you ALL!
JustJoe Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Well, Dude, I really hope it works out for you, but I am skeptical, by nature. Just be sure that you keep your eyes and ears open, and NEVER let her think you are being a patsy, and you'll do OK. See ya!!
Snowflower Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Yes, that is my wife. She too is confused, and has seen some really positive support from my earlier thread, so she was hoping for some help in her healing as well. Someone refered to our redundancy as a "troll", which I don't understand. But please know that we have no I'll intentions. If this is wrong, we will stop. Thanks, No worries...I responded to you in your thread in infidelity. I hope that you and your wife find the answers that you need.
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