zzxxx Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 (edited) I was with a guy for 6 months in Europe and we lived together. I'm back in my home country and have been back for about a month but I plan on moving to Europe permanently in December. I'm 21 and he is 23. We tried a long distance relationship but it wasn't working because it seemed like he wasn't willing to or didn't wish to communicate very often. I was frustrated about his lack of commitment so I broke up with him and told him let's see what happens when I return to Europe. He emailed me back, telling me he was upset and disappointed with both of us as neither of us tried and if that was really my decision, then he would accept it. He said he doesn't know how to fight for me as long as I'm on the other side of the world and even if I changed my decision, then we're still apart from each other. He said he would wait for me. He sent me a second email, saying that it was his fault and asked if I could try to remember him in a good light. Several days after, I started to miss him so I called and asked how he was doing. We ended up chatting on skype like nothing had happened and were talking about our futures, etc. A couple of days after that, he sent me an email, telling me he didn't get accepted into a course and that someone who is more successful would suit me more and to forget him. I felt really bad for him, so I emailed him to comfort and help him. He didn't respond or say thanks, so I called him. He sounded surprisingly happy and upbeat as soon as he picked up. He said he was going to the gym soon so we only spoke briefly. He asked if I was going to be home the following morning and I said yes. He said we could talk when I wake up. I said ok and before we hung up, he said, "Talk to you on skype." So the following morning, I was on skype and he didn't show up. It was already past 12 at night his time. I emailed him, telling him I was on skype and he didn't come on. I told him I'm not going to contact him anymore and that he should forget about me. This decision may seem immature, but it is based on the fact that 1) I went out of my way to make him feel better and in return, it felt like I got played and 2) the communication has always seemed one sided since we've been apart and I was sick of it. He emailed back at 3:30am or something his time and told me his point of view. He said I told him I would email him after I wake up and that he didn't even know when I would wake up. He said he had been checking his emails at his friend's place who lives on the same street so that he could go back to his place and talk to me. He said this felt like breaking up a second time and it hurted more than the first time. He thinks it's a misunderstanding but said that I would believe my version. He added that this isn't worth throwing everything away. Now, the funny thing is, I do not recall telling him I would email him. I don't even remember using the word "email" in our brief phone conversation, so I don't know what to make of this. Furthermore, why would he be at a friend's place in the crazy hours of the morning and check his inbox there? Even though I said I would not contact him again, I called him again yesterday because something came up so I needed him to send me something urgently. Before I hung up, I asked him how he was doing and he said ok. We talked a little about the "misunderstanding" that happened recently but couldn't talk long because he had friends over (note: he has been hanging out with friends very often since I left). He said we could talk some other time, so I said ok, just email me. He emailed me later to tell me that he had sent my stuff (he sent it immediately) and that was that. I don't understand his actions so I was wondering if some dumpees could help me? From a dumpee's point of view, what do his actions mean? Why does he tend to not initiate contact since we've been apart (before and after breaking up)? (I should add that he can't really call my home phone - the only way is emailing first.) How do I gauge his interest level? Is he pining over me? How hurt is he? Why does he hang around with friends so often? Do you think that the "misunderstanding" is really a misunderstanding or a lie that he made up? Why is it that he wanted to talk about the "misunderstanding" some other time but seems like he's not going to follow through with actions (i.e. contacting me)? If it were really a misunderstanding, then why doesn't he try to convince me his side of the story and instead just accepts the fact that I believe my side of the story? By the way, if it helps, I think he fits really well with the ISFJ personality type. Edited August 2, 2010 by zzxxx
spiderowl Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Bearing in mind that I tend to err on the negative side when it comes to relationships that are on dodgy ground ... If he was keen on you and interested, he would know exactly when you'd be awake because he'd have checked and found out the time zone you were in. There would probably be very few 'misunderstandings' because he would be listening avidly to what you had to say and would make sure he didn't let you down by failing to get in touch when he said he would. He would want to make time to talk to you, so he wouldn't fail to get in touch because he was at a friend's house, busy, had friends round, etc. In short, you would not be feeling let down and as if somehow you kept 'missing each other' when trying to make contact. Making contact would not be difficult because he would be determined to 'smooth the path'. You dumped him in the first place because of lack of reliable communication. As far as I can see, nothing has changed. What he has said and what he has done does not match up. I would recommend you pay attention to what he does, not what he says. What do his actions (especially those he initiates not those he is reacting to on the spot) tell you? My feeling is that your reasons for breaking up with him were sound and that you are still hoping that you were wrong. Sorry.
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