turqa Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Lately I've been thinking about the relationship my boyfriend and I have and I've been pretty troubled with it. I just don't know who to talk to anymore because to be honest, I feel embarrassed telling my friends about this, but I really need some advice and outside input... My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years, and after you've read that part of this sentence, I'm sure you can surmise where I might be headed with this. I want so badly to marry him, but he is really dragging his feet about getting engaged. We have had conversations about this, and he basically says that he just doesn't think he's ready to say he's going to be with me for the rest of his life, but that he might know within the next year. My question is, "What could possibly happen in the next year that you didn't already realize or know in the past 7??" He often says things to me like " I couldn't see myself with anyone else..." or, " You know, maybe we will get married someday..." It's sweet when he says it, but at the same time, it's so frustrating. I just want to get engaged and he knows that. I even told him that I don't want to get married right away, but have a long engagement, where we have more time as a couple to get our lives in more order and become more financially stable. In my view, an engagement isn't going to throw that off kilter or bind him to me for the rest of his life. I want to move on to the next step and I feel like I deserve more of a solid commitment out of him. We have had our ups and downs over the years, but we have a good relationship now and we both really love one another. We have lived together for about 3 years and we are both finishing up college and working. We share money, we share problems, we share everything, ( we even have a dog!) just like a married couple does; but no engagement. I'm starting to feel bitter about it- like here I am running things by him all the time, changing my life for him, but he can't make that commitment to me... I hate to say it, but I've even thought a little bit about ending it because I just feel like it's never going to happen. I love him with everything I have and I want more than anything for us to work, but I don't think this is fair. Am I being unreasonable? Is there some explanation for his stalling on this that I just don't understand? Should I think about this or approach this problem in a different way? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
norajane Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 If you're just finishing college and have been dating for 7 years, I'm guessing you've been dating since high school and this is the first serious relationship both of you have had. And you're very young. So, those three things (young, first serious relationship, and not having dated many other people through college) make it very unlikely for a young man to want to commit to a woman for the rest of his life. He may feel he's missed out on experiencing other women, he may be unsure if this is what it feels like to be in a relationship that's for life, he may want to do a lot more living before "settling down". I think you're right...there is no reason to change your life around for him at this point. It may be time to break up and move on and experience life for yourself before choosing anyone to be with forever. If you are in your early 20's, you will change so much during this next decade as an adult that you will look back and realize that what you want today is not what you want 10 years from now. Do some living before you make a marriage commitment. In any case, you are correct - nothing is going to happen in the next year that will make him any more certain about marrying you than 7 years together has. He's just saying that so he doesn't have to say "NO" to you right now. He's stringing out the decision, but he isn't likely to be any more ready to get married at 23 than he is at 22.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 If a guy needs convincing that he needs to propose or get married, then honestly this isn't a guy willing to want marriage in his life for a very long time. I don't know to say this without being blunt, but it seems like your relationship has already run its course. The both of you seem to want different things- you want an engagement literally meaning getting tied down to, while he's bordering the lines between wanting to stay in a relationship and wanting to experience other things. I suppose the only thing you can ask him is whether he actually wants marriage in the future and whether that other person is you. Then you decide whether you can patient enough to actually wait for that engagement you so want. As is, sometimes love isn't enough to keep two people together, and in this situation you have to ask yourself whether just being in love with him is enough for you.
Jilly Bean Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 he basically says that he just doesn't think he's ready to say he's going to be with me for the rest of his life If he feels this way after 7 years, then he's saying he doesn't want to marry YOU. You are both very, very young. I'm sure you can understand a young man not feeling ready to commit. Have either of you ever dated anyone else? And is your thing that you want to be married, or that you want him in your life? At this point, if you feel you're wasting your time, then break it off. Either your absence will make him realize he DOES want to marry you, or, you will both be free to date someone more appropriate. Not a bad ending any way you slice it. Either it will qualify him, or disqualify him.
sbradford2 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Sweetie please do not make this man marry you. Because it is definitely something you will regret later. So many marriages are going through turmoil right now and on the brinks of divorce. What I would suggest is if you have been living together all this time and he is so called "not sure" if he wants to be engaged, stop playing house. Move into your own place and don't make him a priority and see where it goes from there. It is so lovely to be engaged but only when he really wants to. I say give him time. He may feel as if you are already married while you are living together. Don't act like his wife. Be his girlfriend.
GordonDarkfoot Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 turqua, A serious question: Why do YOU want to get married? As you've said, you've basically done everything married couples typically do, other than have kids or buy a house, I guess; except the actual "marriage" part. It's unclear why he's ambivalent about it. The primary reason to get married at this point would be because you want to buy a house together and/or especially if you want to start having children. Let's say you do get married. Then what is your expectation about what your relationship will be like after that? IOW, if you're discussing marriage, that has to be part of a larger discussion about where your lives together will be going. This involves everything: careers, buying a house, having kids. Your bf hasn't actually said "No" to getting married--he just wants to procrastinate for another year. I guess at some point he needs to fish or cut bait. But, as to your original question, seven years is WAY too long. Maybe because you were young, marriage wasn't within contemplation, but certainly in your college years. Unfortunately the only way you're going to find out if he "really" wants to marry you, rather than losing you, is to give him exactly that choice, with a time limit, and be prepared to make it stick. Don't just break up with him. This is a tough situation because he probably does love you but is just not mature enough to be ready for marriage yet. So he is risking losing you by his indecision and he won't realize that as the mistake that it is, until years after the fact. When I was in my 20's there was no way I was ready to get married, at all. If you leave him, he might not realize the mistake he made until he's 35 or 40, when he's been through a bunch of other women and realized he's never found anyone better. That's actually probably what he's worried about. He thinks there's something out there that might be "better." If you really do love him, which it sounds like you do, then he just doesn't know any better. I wish I had a way of shaking some sense into him. Good luck whatever you decide to do.
Bitterman24/7 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Lately I've been thinking about the relationship my boyfriend and I have and I've been pretty troubled with it. I just don't know who to talk to anymore because to be honest, I feel embarrassed telling my friends about this, but I really need some advice and outside input... My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years, and after you've read that part of this sentence, I'm sure you can surmise where I might be headed with this. I want so badly to marry him, but he is really dragging his feet about getting engaged. We have had conversations about this, and he basically says that he just doesn't think he's ready to say he's going to be with me for the rest of his life, but that he might know within the next year. My question is, "What could possibly happen in the next year that you didn't already realize or know in the past 7??" He often says things to me like " I couldn't see myself with anyone else..." or, " You know, maybe we will get married someday..." It's sweet when he says it, but at the same time, it's so frustrating. I just want to get engaged and he knows that. I even told him that I don't want to get married right away, but have a long engagement, where we have more time as a couple to get our lives in more order and become more financially stable. In my view, an engagement isn't going to throw that off kilter or bind him to me for the rest of his life. I want to move on to the next step and I feel like I deserve more of a solid commitment out of him. We have had our ups and downs over the years, but we have a good relationship now and we both really love one another. We have lived together for about 3 years and we are both finishing up college and working. We share money, we share problems, we share everything, ( we even have a dog!) just like a married couple does; but no engagement. I'm starting to feel bitter about it- like here I am running things by him all the time, changing my life for him, but he can't make that commitment to me... I hate to say it, but I've even thought a little bit about ending it because I just feel like it's never going to happen. I love him with everything I have and I want more than anything for us to work, but I don't think this is fair. Am I being unreasonable? Is there some explanation for his stalling on this that I just don't understand? Should I think about this or approach this problem in a different way? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Wow, you've been with him for 7 years and he never married you? Well you know what they say, "If he's dragging you along, he's dragging another woman."
TLCbear Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years, and after you've read that part of this sentence, I'm sure you can surmise where I might be headed with this. I want so badly to marry him, but he is really dragging his feet about getting engaged. We have had conversations about this, and he basically says that he just doesn't think he's ready to say he's going to be with me for the rest of his life, but that he might know within the next year. My question is, "What could possibly happen in the next year that you didn't already realize or know in the past 7??" I agree with sbradford2. Don't make this man marry you, trust me, it will lead to disaster. You will regret it and he will have resentment. One of the biggest mistakes I see women make is giving an ultimatum or pressuring a man into marriage. It's obvious this guy doesn't want to get married at this point in his life and you should respect that. He has specifically told you "he doesn't think he's ready for the rest of his life" ...which means he can't see himself with one person for the rest of his life...which translates into sooner or later he's going to want to talk or bang other females. If you really want to get married, I suggest you find someone on the same wave length. I understand you love this guy, but you have already spent 7 years with this man, 3 of which you have been living together. And the "I might know within the next year" is a string along tactic just to keep you holding on for whatever reason. You have a choice to stay and hope for the better or leave and move on with your life...but if you choose to stay, please stop playing house, get your own place to stay.
nddb Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 You guys are just now graduating from college. Lots of change in the next year or two (career, money, new place, new job, etc.). Don't you think it's wise to see how you handle those changes first, stabilize them, and then move forward?
jasmorgan Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I think 4 years is too long- if you're not getting married in the following year or so, what's the rush to get engaged? It's not going to prolong the fun, it's going to prolong the stress to have an engagement that long.
SarahRose Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 After 7 years it is very unlikely he is going to marry you and he has hinted he isn't. So now what are you going to do about it?
Chinook Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I'm currently 40 years old. I started dating my ex-partner when I was 26 and we stayed together until I was 35. We had a good relationship. We had our ups and downs. We shared everything like married couples do. Just like you. Then a curveball hit us and I got sick. It made me re-evaluate everything (and he did some things which made me realise it wasn't entirely what he wanted all along). I realised I was never going to get married to him (or him me). We were coasting along and wasting time, simply because we were comfortable. Once something hit us which woke us up, we both realised what a total waste of time it had been. That was 5 years ago. I sincerely wish I'd walked away sooner - but I can't turn back the clock. Now, in my new relationship... we've known each other 29 years and were at highschool together... we've been together just a year now... we're getting married at the end of this year. We both had similar long term relationships which were stagnant and we both wished we'd not wasted anymore time. I think 7 years is getting to way too long now. You need to think about the future and what it holds for YOU, not just him. I know you love him... but the fact is, is that enough...?! It should be, but is it really..?!
sugarmomma Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 He doesn't see the "need" to get married especially when you share "everything". That may be the problem. You've given him everything that comes with a marriage i.e sharing money, problems, living together, sex etc. Why marry you if you're already "acting" like the wife. That's the problem. Get a life outside of him. He'll take notice of that.
ali9878 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 He doesn't see the "need" to get married especially when you share "everything". That may be the problem. You've given him everything that comes with a marriage i.e sharing money, problems, living together, sex etc. Why marry you if you're already "acting" like the wife. That's the problem. Get a life outside of him. He'll take notice of that. I totally agree. Why would he be in any rush to marry you? You basically are his wife without him having to marry you.
Ellin Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 turqua, A serious question: Why do YOU want to get married? As you've said, you've basically done everything married couples typically do, other than have kids or buy a house, I guess; except the actual "marriage" part. It's unclear why he's ambivalent about it. The primary reason to get married at this point would be because you want to buy a house together and/or especially if you want to start having children. I'm not attempting to reply for someone else but being married is very different from not being married, as it as it involves a declaration to be exclusive for the rest of two people's lives and that gives a completely different quality to being together. Getting married means the other person is our priority, otherwise just an option and the one who wants to get married is painfully aware of it all the time.
Ellin Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Lately I've been thinking about the relationship my boyfriend and I have and I've been pretty troubled with it. I just don't know who to talk to anymore because to be honest, I feel embarrassed telling my friends about this, but I really need some advice and outside input... My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years, and after you've read that part of this sentence, I'm sure you can surmise where I might be headed with this. I want so badly to marry him, but he is really dragging his feet about getting engaged. We have had conversations about this, and he basically says that he just doesn't think he's ready to say he's going to be with me for the rest of his life, but that he might know within the next year. My question is, "What could possibly happen in the next year that you didn't already realize or know in the past 7??" He often says things to me like " I couldn't see myself with anyone else..." or, " You know, maybe we will get married someday..." It's sweet when he says it, but at the same time, it's so frustrating. I just want to get engaged and he knows that. I even told him that I don't want to get married right away, but have a long engagement, where we have more time as a couple to get our lives in more order and become more financially stable. In my view, an engagement isn't going to throw that off kilter or bind him to me for the rest of his life. I want to move on to the next step and I feel like I deserve more of a solid commitment out of him. We have had our ups and downs over the years, but we have a good relationship now and we both really love one another. We have lived together for about 3 years and we are both finishing up college and working. We share money, we share problems, we share everything, ( we even have a dog!) just like a married couple does; but no engagement. I'm starting to feel bitter about it- like here I am running things by him all the time, changing my life for him, but he can't make that commitment to me... I hate to say it, but I've even thought a little bit about ending it because I just feel like it's never going to happen. I love him with everything I have and I want more than anything for us to work, but I don't think this is fair. Am I being unreasonable? Is there some explanation for his stalling on this that I just don't understand? Should I think about this or approach this problem in a different way? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Your post sounds much like letters to Rori Raye, the "relationship expert". What do you think about her advice?
Kits Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Turqa... I know how you feel. My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years. We started dating in college and have lived together for a long time. We have both been out of college and working for 3 years now and, like you, we are not yet engaged. I'm not worried about the fact that we're not engaged yet...I know it will happen one day. Some guys do just need time...lots of it! Many of them still see themselves as kids even when they're pushing 30! Its important in a long term relationship to keep the spark alive. Its very easy to fall into a comfortable routine, live in each others pockets and forget to keep working on your relationship. Your relationship must be fun! If you are not enjoying your relationship, then there is a problem. Keep communicating! But maybe drop the marriage topic for a while...the pressure might start having a negative impact. Talk about other desires you have for the future and about things you really want to do, and make sure you DO those things, don't be held back if the other person doesn't want to do it! Here's the thing that I don't agree with though... when people speak about marriage they often use words like "settle down" and "tied down" and I don't think thats how it should be. Neither of your lives are going to end when you get married - you will keep living and having fun...together! In a relationship you need to love each other, you need to like each other, you need to enjoy each others company and you need to have fun together. Especially while you are young. He may feel like he hasn't done enough "living" yet and might be under what I believe is a false impression that once he is "tied down" he won't be able to live and do all those fun things anymore...so start doing them now! If he wants to go sky diving then do it! Make lists of things each of you wants to do and make a point of doing them, together if possible. And don't rush him. Yes its been a long time but I know lots of couples who have been together for 8, 9 11 and even up to 15 years before they get married! Everyone is different. Remember...if you know in your heart of hearts that you 2 are right for each other and meant to be, then you will still be in 6 months, a year, 10 years time and forever...so no need to rush! Just enjoy!
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