Pink Cupcakes Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 He didn't dump you for being beaten as a child. It is coincidental that you happened to tell him this, and then he dumped you. You are reading too much into that. Well I was going to move to Hawaii to be with him this December, which really isn't a big deal for me as Georgia bores me to death. And it does make him evil that he dumped me right after I told him about me being beaten as a child! And it's not the first time this has happened either! Unless I beat children, I really don't get why men hold this against me. It's like they're punishing me for this. Me telling him DOES NOT equal me dumping emotional baggage, me telling him means being honest about something that is a huge part of me, that I have put myself through A LOT of work to overcome, but still occasionally have bad days and need a hug. But now thanks to him I am having one bad day after another because of this!!!!
Jilly Bean Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Sassy - is it correct that you never even MET this guy? According to your other thread about him, you met online a few weeks ago, and never met in person. Is that true?
Author SassyKitten Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 He didn't dump you for being beaten as a child. It is coincidental that you happened to tell him this, and then he dumped you. You are reading too much into that. No it's not coincidental. This is the 3rd time in my life that I have been open with a man about this, and all 3 times they have dumped me within a week for an ex. And going back to an ex is the oldest cop-out in the book to make sure that I see there is no chance of reconciliation. 3 times in a row isn't a coincidence. I just wanted to explain myself, and also explain why I have trust issues. And this ex who he supposedly left me for cheated on him!
Author SassyKitten Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 Jill - Yes, actually a few months ago, but in any case we had been Skyping virtually every day, and he made me feel things I never thought were possible. And the only reason I was open to a long distance relationship was the fact that I'm leaving Georgia ASAP anyway. That said, at least we didn't have sex
txsilkysmoothe Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I'm so sorry that you're hurting Sassykitten. It's so soon after the breakup that it's hard to think of anything else. You know from previous breakups I'm sure, that with time comes relief from the pain. A mature man won't be troubled or put-off by what you share. He will not consider it drama. He will understand you're more than your past, but that your past creates a need within you. A mature man will value the opportunity to meet that need and accept you, past and all. I've always found it best to exhibit class, control, dignity, civility, and manners when dealing with an SO who has wronged me. Primarily because these are traits I want to exhibit, but also maintaining class and dignity prevents them from justifying their bad behavior in any way. They can't say, "see how she is? that's why I did the things I did," "see what she is capable of? she pushed me to it," etc. I don't like it, but I keep hearing and reading that we have to create our own closure. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Author SassyKitten Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 I'm so sorry that you're hurting Sassykitten. It's so soon after the breakup that it's hard to think of anything else. You know from previous breakups I'm sure, that with time comes relief from the pain. A mature man won't be troubled or put-off by what you share. He will not consider it drama. He will understand you're more than your past, but that your past creates a need within you. A mature man will value the opportunity to meet that need and accept you, past and all. I've always found it best to exhibit class, control, dignity, civility, and manners when dealing with an SO who has wronged me. Primarily because these are traits I want to exhibit, but also maintaining class and dignity prevents them from justifying their bad behavior in any way. They can't say, "see how she is? that's why I did the things I did," "see what she is capable of? she pushed me to it," etc. I don't like it, but I keep hearing and reading that we have to create our own closure. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Thank you, that was such a good way of putting it. Just trying to figure out how to create my own closure. And by the way, I was originally encouraged to do the online dating thing by a friend. And I've known several people over the years who have done the long-distance LDR and are now happily married. So it works for some, but not in this case obviously. But with dating being a numbers game and the numbers being small in Georgia, it seemed worth the risk at the time.
Author SassyKitten Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 I wonder how much of what this loser told you was the truth. I'm even more confident that this fraud of a man is going to eventually get himself in huge trouble. His lies and deceit will catch up with him. You now know never again to get into a relationship like this. You're naturally going through a lot of pain now since the breakup is so recent, but I think at some point it will turn into relief that you weren't with him longer. I'm very relieved that you never slept with him. Who knows what diseases this loser may be carrying. Yeah, exactly. Hence why the STD clinic prank call could be super-hilarious, at least I'm not affected by that!
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Jill - Yes, actually a few months ago, but in any case we had been Skyping virtually every day, and he made me feel things I never thought were possible. And the only reason I was open to a long distance relationship was the fact that I'm leaving Georgia ASAP anyway. That said, at least we didn't have sex The devastation OP feels is more to do with her own emotional attachment to him than what psysically transpired between them.
Author SassyKitten Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 The devastation OP feels is more to do with her own emotional attachment to him than what psysically transpired between them. Emotional attachment, and also the way things transpired. This was right after I was completely honest with him about things that I have battled my whole life to overcome, and after he received a thoughtful card in the mail that I put a lot of effort into. It's telling me this is the last time I should ever be this loving or honest with anyone.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Emotional attachment, and also the way things transpired. This was right after I was completely honest with him about things that I have battled my whole life to overcome, and after he received a thoughtful card in the mail that I put a lot of effort into. It's telling me this is the last time I should ever be this loving or honest with anyone. I do know what you mean. I am very hesitant to be open about my emotional issues as men seem to run for the hills at the first sign of it. It's just "too heavy" for them. Unfortunately, I don't think that it's a coincidence that he did what he did after you opened up. Men just can't deal with this unless they are deeply in love. Without a doubt, he is j$rk that treated you unfairly. Don't regret the e-mail that you sent.
CLC2008 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Sweetie, you grew an emotional attachment via electrons. Not trying to take away from that, but you are chartering dangerous waters by exposing every detail of your childhood history to someone you have never met, someone you met on the internet, and someone you only knew for a few short weeks nonetheless. Again, not excusing or condoning his actions, but try to refrain from putting yourself in such a vulnerable position next time around.
Author SassyKitten Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 I do know what you mean. I am very hesitant to be open about my emotional issues as men seem to run for the hills at the first sign of it. It's just "too heavy" for them. Unfortunately, I don't think that it's a coincidence that he did what he did after you opened up. Men just can't deal with this unless they are deeply in love. Without a doubt, he is j$rk that treated you unfairly. Don't regret the e-mail that you sent. Thanks. I'm wondering if from now on I should just tell people I meet that my parents are dead. Whether it's as friends or as lovers. It seems like it would save me so much pain.
amymarieca Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I highly doubt he'll be crying. It's more likely he'll be laughing with relief. Think about it: What exactly did he lose here? He's back with his ex, and he ditched you; you basically proved him right in his decision by sending that email. You don't look like someone to be treated with any respect, having sent that. You justified his treatment of you. Agreed! Well said, Tigress.
Author SassyKitten Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 Sweetie, you grew an emotional attachment via electrons. Not trying to take away from that, but you are chartering dangerous waters by exposing every detail of your childhood history to someone you have never met, someone you met on the internet, and someone you only knew for a few short weeks nonetheless. Again, not excusing or condoning his actions, but try to refrain from putting yourself in such a vulnerable position next time around. The other 2 times this has happened to me as a result of me being this open with someone, it was a conventional flesh and blood relationship, complete with sex. So it's not how we met that was the issue. It's that most men are horrible partners to women who haven't had a perfect life.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Thanks. I'm wondering if from now on I should just tell people I meet that my parents are dead. Whether it's as friends or as lovers. It seems like it would save me so much pain. I think that you shouldn't talk about it until you are well into a relationship and the guy has earned your trust by being consistent over longer period of time. Just say that you are not close with your parents and give no further explanation.
Author SassyKitten Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 I think that you shouldn't talk about it until you are well into a relationship and the guy has earned your trust by being consistent over longer period of time. Just say that you are not close with your parents and give no further explanation. One worry of mine with that one is that he would think that I have something to hide, and bolt regardless. Though the strike against saying they're literally dead (even though they're dead to me) is that it might be offensive when the truth comes out to someone who has a parent or both who actually have died already.
CLC2008 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 The other 2 times this has happened to me as a result of me being this open with someone, it was a conventional flesh and blood relationship, complete with sex. So it's not how we met that was the issue. It's that most men are horrible partners to women who haven't had a perfect life. I'm sorry you feel that way, but I can't say that I agree with that last statement. Catch me on a bad day though and I might feel different . Anywho, maybe swing by the coping forum, if you haven't already. It's quite helpful and supportive.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 One worry of mine with that one is that he would think that I have something to hide, and bolt regardless. Though the strike against saying they're literally dead (even though they're dead to me) is that it might be offensive when the truth comes out to someone who has a parent or both who actually have died already. Saying that they are dead is an outright lie, and it won't look good when the truth comes out. Saying that you are not close with them will probably make him wonder but at least you are not lying when you are ready to fully open up about the situation.
Author SassyKitten Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 Wow. So no easy way to navigate this with future partners. I'll practice the phrase about me not being close with my parents when I'm at the hostel in Montreal and see how that one goes, but it feels like a no-win situation right now. Basically, to put in a nutshell the emotions I'm feeling, I'm angry at my ex, yes, but just as angry if not even more so at my parents. They've left me with a string of trust issues that have been perpetuated by douchebag boyfriends, and most recently this one. And when another relationship bites the dust because of them, it makes me angry at my parents all over again, just like my childhood happened yesterday and like I'm only just now starting the therapy I started years ago. And because of my parents, according to men, I deserve to be starved of the love and affection that so many can take for granted! If I tell someone, it's not because I'm "dumping emotional baggage", it's because I've come to terms through therapy with the fact that my memories will always be there, so I will have occasional bad days, and I just need a hug every now and then. Plus it strengthens my resolve to give my children the best possible upbringing if and when I will be so lucky as to ever be able to have them. And if men keep abandoning me like this because of something that is outside of my control, I will never be able to have them.
Author SassyKitten Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 CLC - You didn't know this, but it looks like someone on the coping forum has hijacked my thread purely to bait me. I have had a bad enough week, I did not need this. I'm not mad at you of course, just them. Thanks everyone for cheering me up.
2sunny Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Wow. So no easy way to navigate this with future partners. I'll practice the phrase about me not being close with my parents when I'm at the hostel in Montreal and see how that one goes, but it feels like a no-win situation right now. Basically, to put in a nutshell the emotions I'm feeling, I'm angry at my ex, yes, but just as angry if not even more so at my parents. They've left me with a string of trust issues that have been perpetuated by douchebag boyfriends, and most recently this one. And when another relationship bites the dust because of them, it makes me angry at my parents all over again, just like my childhood happened yesterday and like I'm only just now starting the therapy I started years ago. And because of my parents, according to men, I deserve to be starved of the love and affection that so many can take for granted! If I tell someone, it's not because I'm "dumping emotional baggage", it's because I've come to terms through therapy with the fact that my memories will always be there, so I will have occasional bad days, and I just need a hug every now and then. Plus it strengthens my resolve to give my children the best possible upbringing if and when I will be so lucky as to ever be able to have them. And if men keep abandoning me like this because of something that is outside of my control, I will never be able to have them. i think you could benefit from more counseling. you need to understand what to do - and what not to do - when you are angry. also - you need to learn coping skills that are healthy - in dealing with your past so you can move forward to a healthy future.
Author SassyKitten Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 i think you could benefit from more counseling. you need to understand what to do - and what not to do - when you are angry. also - you need to learn coping skills that are healthy - in dealing with your past so you can move forward to a healthy future. I have been to counselling for years, but I have come to the conclusion in light of recent events that there is no amount of talking that can fix deep-rooted thought patterns that originated probably before I could even talk. What I need is hypnotherapy, and I am in the process of phoning up and screening a few of those. But I do need to survive the next few days. It was Wednesday when I was supposed to fly there.
zengirl Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I have been to counselling for years, but I have come to the conclusion in light of recent events that there is no amount of talking that can fix deep-rooted thought patterns that originated probably before I could even talk. What I need is hypnotherapy, and I am in the process of phoning up and screening a few of those. But I do need to survive the next few days. It was Wednesday when I was supposed to fly there. What works for each person is different. I was in the process of getting healthier already, but what really made me feel like a totally whole, healthy person was a classroom full of 7 year olds. I didn't even used to like kids that young, and it was an accident that I got placed with younger kids here, so that's quite surprising to me, still. My point is. . .you don't know what's going to cure you. Nobody does. All you can do is actively seek health, happiness, and stability. (Sending this email didn't do that, by the way. Purging this way is kind of the B.S. pop-self-help things that discourages actual health by feeding something else. I think, at least.)
Author SassyKitten Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 Zengirl - Nothing is ever 1 size fits all with these things. It's been a really hard night though, I haven't slept, and I am about to go offline again in a little bit to do the last minute studying I need to do for an accounting final exam I have this evening. He has been such a source of unnecessary stress for me though, and what I really want out of any interaction with him is not reconciliation, as he is a complete douchebag for latching onto me and then abandoning me when I was at one of the more vulnerable points in my life, but what I want is for him to not do this to anyone else.
zengirl Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Zengirl - Nothing is ever 1 size fits all with these things. It's been a really hard night though, I haven't slept, and I am about to go offline again in a little bit to do the last minute studying I need to do for an accounting final exam I have this evening. He has been such a source of unnecessary stress for me though, and what I really want out of any interaction with him is not reconciliation, as he is a complete douchebag for latching onto me and then abandoning me when I was at one of the more vulnerable points in my life, but what I want is for him to not do this to anyone else. No. . . I know nothing is one size fits all. But I do know that desiring to control or change someone else is always a one size fits all way to unhappiness. Hey, it's my job to facilitate change, and always has been (in advertising or teaching), but trying to do so actively just doesn't work. No one can change anyone else. The point isn't whether you want to be with him, or reconcile, or make him laugh, or make him angry, or make him cry, or make him see who he is. . . the point is how badly you want it. I often hold up a mirror to other people, whether they be small children, friends, or anonymous folks on a message board, but I don't have any emotional stake in it or any deep desire to change them. . . nor do I have any impossible notions of that being possible. Writing that message, or angry messages like it, may help you. Getting angry thoughts on paper isn't all bad. Sending them won't. And the more dangerous part is what I underlined. That's what I was sensing from you. (I know it's easy for me to say not to try to care about changing him, but I also know I can do it in my own life. It wasn't easy. It was a learned skill, just like anything else.) That's my suggestion. As always, I wish you good luck with everything.
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