MJEW Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Well it has been a couple of weeks now since I broke up with the OM and moved into my parents place. Living there is ok, lots of love and laughter in the house for the kids and me, just knowing that my parents are there for support system is really good and has helped me on this road that I have chosen. I still feel humbled by all of this, moving home after 18 years of being on my own, I see the kids and hear their laughter and I think it's gonna be alright because I see that. I feel lightend inside, not sure how to explain it, but there was a war within me for so long- should I stay, should I go, does my ex husband still have feelings for me, could we make it work? I have learned not to worry myself over my ex husband and the OM, I am learning to close the door on them both. I have decided it's time to do that- for my own sanity because I have been living with this for 2 years inside me and it's caused me nothing but heartache. I am learning that I wasn't in love love with the OM, it's not fair to him I realize that, but I put 2 years into that relationship, I tried to love him the best I could, I tried to build something out of it, but I couldn't chase the butterflies anymore, there's only so far you can go- I am glad that I told him that I couldn't marry him, because honestly I can't see myself married to anyone else...ever...and I have accepted that. You can't carry on in a relationship and compare everything to your relationship with your ex and that's what I was doing...it's like he haunts me my ex husband does- but I guess that's what I deserved...my relationship with the OM was doomed from the get go, I was just too stupid to see it. I am learning that it's ok to be in love with your ex husband still....doesn't mean anything more than I will always love and he will always be my husband in my heart- I gave him the divorce because i wanted him to move on with his life and be happy- I felt at the time I had casued him enough pain and sorrow, at least I could do was free him of me- so that's what I did....and 2 years later I still think about him- about what we had and who he has become. That's ok to do. I text him last week and told him that if he ever wanted to go for a run or java sometime, to let me know...wasn't anything more than that...I guess he felt it was and gave me some advice..."take this time and work on yourself". I was really embarassed but he didn't make it awkward. He wouldn't know that I am taking this time to work on me, but that's ok, I know and that's all that matters. So, I have joined a self help therapy class, we meet and we talk about how messed up we are...lol..sounds funny but it's really helping me to get past my guilt of my failing marriage, get past my wrong doings in relationships, and I am finding that I am strong enough to fight through this and close the doors to these men. It's helping me learn that I am not the only messed up soul in this universe, it's also helping me smile inside. As I stated, I feel lighter inside..and that's because of what I am doing for me- no one else is doing it for me.
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