aeren944 Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I'm so sick of this depression and anxiety and just utter sadness. Nothing's really changed for me, although, I did cut back on the Xanax... but last night, I cried like a ****ing baby again... I don't know if it's over her or not now, cuz I know I don't need her back, but I'm still really hurt. I think yesterday was the 3 month anniversary of the breakup... so, I've been doing better, but last night was horrible. I almost was just beside myself in tears, and I tried to text like 5 friends, and no one answered me. I spent the whole day alone, and felt even more alone when I couldn't get anybody to help me. I hate this ****. One of my friends tells me I'm acting co-dependant. She's probably right, but I don't know how to stop. I'm ****ing trying, but it doesn't seem to get better sometimes. I feel so ****ing weak and so useless... I want to get her out of my life, but it will never happen because of our kids. I'm usually okay for the most part, until I have to see her or talk to her cuz of the kids... I ****ing fall back down in the pit after I talk to her... I ****ing hate this. I don't know... I guess I'm just bitching or something... I honestly feel like I'm at the end of my rope, and I don't want to try anymore. I'm just ****ing TIRED of it.
HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Sorry Aeren. I understand your struggle though. Don't think you're going through this alone. While I have not shed a tear on the outside, I've cried several on the inside. I know it hurts. One of my friends also told me I'm co-dependent, and I think she's right. I don't know what the cure for co-dependency is though? I don't know the answer and I wish I did. I guess I've just been trying to type out my thoughts on this forum, no matter how redundant they may be. At least I'm not hounding her. Don't give up though man. I've been down this road before and it does get better. I need to tell myself that too, because like you, I'm at the end of my rope. There are some things in life that a person just has to ride out I guess. And ain't that a b!tch... I f*ckin hate it. We'll get through though man. Just remember that. We'll get through...
mickleb Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 It doesn't feel like it at the time but crying is really good when you are healing, aeren. Granted, it feels like you're back at day one, you're lost, terrified, useless and wanting but it's, acutally, the mature thing to do. I'm not telling you off here but I am not surprised you are having these big, emotional out-pourings at this stage in your grieving. You have been self-medicating for most of this time and that has helped you to get through the night but it hasn't helped you to process this. Crying is letting go. Acknowledging the loss and moving forward. It does not feel like it but it is. It HAS to come out, all this pain and, once you've cleared your tormented mind of all that's in there for the day, it does feel a bit lighter. Through crying you are learning to smile again. From the inside. Do not fear it. It is good. WELL DONE for cutting back on the Xanax. Did you go to your support group? x
Author aeren944 Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 No, mickleb, I didn't... not that day. But I've got the next one coming up this Thursday, so I'll be going to that one. You're right, though. I have been self-medicating a lot, and it hasn't helped in the long run. I keep reading these forums, and hoping that the people that have been through this are right... I'm hoping it does get better, that I'll find the inner peace to move on and be better. I'm not sure, but people sound like it just comes out of nowhere... that, one day, you just wake up and start being better or something. They talk about being "happy"... but I feel like its more of an inner peace, or a comfort in one's own skin. I just long for that... to be fine with who I am, and actually get up the motivation to pursue what I want to do with my life. I just don't have the motivation right now, or the confidence... but, at least I can see that what I am is grieving... and that stuff WILL come. There are days when I actually CAN look at myself and be content with who I am... Then I have days when I crash and burn, like yesterday. This rollercoaster's a bitch, and it's not over yet... Sucks, but if everyone here is right, I'll be smarter, stronger, more beautiful, and better as a person. I hope like hell that's the truth... cuz, at least, that would make this worth it...
marmaliade Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I kinda understand how you feel, it's some kind of transfering stage, where you let go and give up, sometimes u are ok, but sometimes u wanna break down and cry. I am there too, sometimes I fell kinda good with myself, ut next morning i wake up with this feeling of loss and sadness inside and the only thing I wanna do then is cry. Through all those emotions were letting go and sometimes it scares me as hell. I am scared to let go, it was something very special and precious to me, so it makes me hurt even more that someone didnt value it enough and now i have to let it go. I also don't want that person back, because it's too late, i think i already got emotionally detached, just something there is still holding me back, maybe something not of his, but something of mine. It is all in our minds and just we are able to control our feelings... I guess.
Author aeren944 Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 That's true, marmaliade. This IS all in our minds. With me, my ex had basically mind-****ed me into believing I could do no better than her. Truth is, I can do MUCH better. The **** she put me through... nobody deserves. I'm not going back to that. I'm scared, too, though. I'm scared of letting go and trying to make it by myself... that's how ****ing co-dependent I am. It's stupid, and I need to shake that. Tomorrow, I'm off, stuck at my house by myself... I'm scared about that. Last time that happened, I basically let my brain beat me down and I was crying again by the end of the day. But, tomorrow's a different day. I'm going to walk straight into, as if that other day never happened, and I'm going to try and make it a better day. The problem is, I'm really ****ing lonely. I dread this evening, cuz I'm going to get off work and go back to my empty house... the house she and I had bought together. It's almost like a prison. I just don't wanna go home to an empty house anymore... but I guess I'm stuck. This whole thing is really messed up, but it IS in our heads, and we've got to keep our heads and our hearts in check, cuz I just started rebuilding myself, and I don't want to see it come crashing down just because of her again...
mickleb Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Well, we don't just wake up to be fitter, happier, more productive, etc. We have to put the hard work in to get there but the first step is feeling the pain. You are doing some great things, aeren, like your support group but you've got to keep it up. You've read Caliguy's guide to NC, I'm presuming? He details the things to get busy doing on there very well. Regarding feeling lonely, have you tried meetup.com? http://www.meetup.com/find/us/az/arizona_city/ Give it a shot. It'll get you out of the house, if nothing else. Or take up a college course, or something. Life's too short to be looking at the walls. After you've cried your heart out (remember - nothing wrong with that), pick yourself up and think about what you could be getting on with. You need to find yourself and after-work structure to get into. Write a to-do list and get ticking it off. Don't tell me you couldn't be painting the walls of that house and making it the ultimate man-space. I know you could. Good to hear you're sounding brighter already, though. x
Recommended Posts