Monogamy...a controversial POV

[theodora]

The more I think about it, the more I begin to feel like the whole concept of Monogamy is at fault for the existence of infidelity.

 

Since it is clearly true that as human beings we struggle to be sexually faithful as a species, why are individuals at fault when we fail to comply with this standard?

 

I think next time I get into a relationship with a man, I am going to make sure we become Swingers. I reckon Swingers have the right idea. You acknowledge the desire for multiple sexual partners, which we all have, as animals, and you explore it together.

 

Isn't that preferable to building a relationship on impossible expectations?

 

I know loads of people would think it's sad that I feel like monogamy is an impossible expectation. But it's not just experience which makes me think it. It's an instinct. I kind of just know that if I fall in love with a man, he is going to want to have sex with other people. And truthfully, so am I.

 

Why not do it together and save all this sneaking around behind people's backs? Wouldn't we all be happier?

 

Sex is so messed up in our society. Let's Swing!

 

Anyone have any thoughts as to why this is in fact a load of rubbish, and why I should rethink?

 

I suspect there is a strong counter argument. It's just how I am thinking right now.

[Spark1111]

well, I suppose the premise of swinging could work if both want to experiment with other sexual partners.

 

But the reality of one of you falling in love with one of your partners is a very real possibility.

 

What then?

 

Is the heartbreak any less for the one being left? I don't think so.

 

So while it sounds like a viable solution to those who grow bored with monogamy, few do it in practice, or do it succesfully.

 

It might be a lovely fantasy, but to actually envision my man with another woman would destroy me emotionally.

 

And while most men LOVE the idea of many sexual partners in their imaginations, few would be TOLERANT of their woman with several other men.

 

I think this is why it wouldn't work for the many....

[bentnotbroken]

Whatever floats your boat. :confused:Why do you need someone to argue you out of your point of view...it is yours right? You say it is "your" instinct not to be monogamous...it is mine remain faithful. I don't need to have sex with others to find out what? Building a covenant marriage with expectations is something that is a gift I hope to find someday. If not....I'm good.

[2sure]

Many many many swingers get divorced because of infidelity.

[sally4sara]

Infidelity is about betrayal. If you can't control yourself enough to not betray people who trust your word - you will still find ways to betray them even within swinging, open relationships, and all other variety of non-monogamy.

 

Blaming the concept of monogamy for one's act of betrayal is just looking for another way to not be held responsible for one's actions.

 

It is actually easier to uphold monogamy because it is fewer rules and expectations. It is clearer. The relationships I've been exposed to that incorporate some manner of swinging - all had way more rules about code of conduct.

[BB07]

I'm beginning to think friends with benefits is probably the BEST relationship as long as it's open and honest of course.

 

I'm too old to start swinging.

[jwi71]

The more I think about it, the more I begin to feel like the whole concept of Monogamy is at fault for the existence of infidelity.

 

My joking response is : duh

(take that tongue in cheek)

 

Since it is clearly true that as human beings we struggle to be sexually faithful as a species, why are individuals at fault when we fail to comply with this standard?

How is it clear?

I have NEVER cheated and having lived and worked in SE Asia - I've more chances than most.

 

I think next time I get into a relationship with a man, I am going to make sure we become Swingers. I reckon Swingers have the right idea. You acknowledge the desire for multiple sexual partners, which we all have, as animals, and you explore it together.

I've got no problem with this at all.

Just be sure to tell him/her UPFRONT that you are looking for a closed emotional relationship but one that is open sexually. I wouldn't want him/her to go into it thinking this was a strictly closed one-partner only deal. You know, don't wait till they are in love...say it upfront.

 

Isn't that preferable to building a relationship on impossible expectations?

IF it works for you great.

But if some woman every said that to me - I'd be gone so fast...

 

I know loads of people would think it's sad that I feel like monogamy is an impossible expectation. But it's not just experience which makes me think it. It's an instinct. I kind of just know that if I fall in love with a man, he is going to want to have sex with other people. And truthfully, so am I.

I'm a man (checks, yup Mr. Dangly is still there)...if commit to one person then I'm committed. And of course I want to sex with others, but, I am not going to throw away a good M or R for a quick lay.

 

Why not do it together and save all this sneaking around behind people's backs? Wouldn't we all be happier?

Not me...but, if it works for you and your partner...go for it.

[Owl]

If you and your spouse agree to terms that are different than "normal" ones...I see no issue with this at all.

 

It's not cheating if you both agree (AND CONTINUE TO AGREE) on these unique terms.

 

The only issue you've got to watch out for is that often these kinds of marriages START OUT ok...but then you find that one or the other partner SAID they agreed to swing, but didn't really intend to or embrace it internally. OR...after a while...their own expectations of the relationship change.

 

But...as long as both parties wholeheartedly agree and keep feeling that way...that's great.

[Butterfly11]

My SO and I have discussed this very thing. I brought up swinging because of the probability that at some point down the road one of us going to be tempted to cheat, be in a position to cheat or just be bored. We came to the conclusion that swinging would just complicate the issues as Spark stated because of the possibility of falling in love with one of the other players. We decided that if we reach that point in our relationship where temptation might take a hold of us we would discuss it. Easier said then done I'm sure.

[txsilkysmoothe]

I'm not sharing my man with anybody. If he wants to be shared, he can't be my man anymore.

[2sure]

To think for a moment that Infidelity's biggest betrayal is your spouse having sex with another partner...or that swinging would eliminate the betrayal is wrong. Swingers cheat. It often is not the sex that drives someone to betray...its the lie itself. Swinging , right or wrong..is not a selfish thing...infidelity is.

[donnamaybe]

The only fault for infidelity lies in the cheater. End of story. All they have to do is tell the truth about themselves and allow their partner to make their own decision about their life.

[pureinheart]

The more I think about it, the more I begin to feel like the whole concept of Monogamy is at fault for the existence of infidelity.

 

Since it is clearly true that as human beings we struggle to be sexually faithful as a species, why are individuals at fault when we fail to comply with this standard?

 

I think next time I get into a relationship with a man, I am going to make sure we become Swingers. I reckon Swingers have the right idea. You acknowledge the desire for multiple sexual partners, which we all have, as animals, and you explore it together.

 

Isn't that preferable to building a relationship on impossible expectations?

 

I know loads of people would think it's sad that I feel like monogamy is an impossible expectation. But it's not just experience which makes me think it. It's an instinct. I kind of just know that if I fall in love with a man, he is going to want to have sex with other people. And truthfully, so am I.

 

Why not do it together and save all this sneaking around behind people's backs? Wouldn't we all be happier?

 

Sex is so messed up in our society. Let's Swing!

 

Anyone have any thoughts as to why this is in fact a load of rubbish, and why I should rethink?

 

I suspect there is a strong counter argument. It's just how I am thinking right now.

 

No counter argument for me, just my own personal preference...and thanks T for this because it helped me realise who I am and what I'm about.

 

I was unable to stay in my M's due to them feeling the need to have EMA. I was unable to handle an EA due to me not being able to share, I quess in this respect I don't play well with others.

 

I have to have monogamy, it defines who I am.

 

I am certain that some have A's due to not being able to handle monogamy, I think exDM is in this catagory. Most A's occur IMO for other reasons and not an inability to be monogamist *disclaimer*...I do not have good sentance structure, nor do I spell well...this is not a requirement for rocket scientists:p also am retired:p (actually it's a mixture of laziness and rebellion)

[pureinheart]

To think for a moment that Infidelity's biggest betrayal is your spouse having sex with another partner...or that swinging would eliminate the betrayal is wrong. Swingers cheat. It often is not the sex that drives someone to betray...its the lie itself. Swinging , right or wrong..is not a selfish thing...infidelity is.

 

I really like the term "open M", but that's just me:)...not to speak ill of your reply 2S, just wanted to make that comment while quoting you...

 

We have a beloved member/friend that this did happen to...there are certain rules/boundries with open M's....

[donnamaybe]

I'm sorry, the notion is completely ridiculous. If you make an agreement to have an open marriage or R or whatever, then there's no lying, sneaking, and cheating is there? If you promise to be faithful and you lie, sneak, and cheat, then it's not the promise that is at fault. It's the liar, the sneak, and the cheat.

 

Simply put: Don't make promises you don't intend to keep.

[sadintexas]

I think swinging can elminate sexual boredom in a relationship. I think that's about all it does. It can help the couple have "fun" and those who laugh together and enjoy life are more inclined to stay together. It could possibly help to build intimacy, I don't know. I'm sure it has its downfalls too that can be more damaging to a relationship than other things. Regardless, I don't think swinging would in any way prevent infidelity.

 

Except for the ONS's that occur, I don't think A's are really about sexual fulfillment. That becomes an aspect of it, yes, but I believe there is a large emotional/mental factor at play. Sex without some type of intimacy is not going to be the answer.

[YellowShark]

Here's my POV. If you wanna screw around with multiple partners then don't be in a relationship. After all, why commit to a relationship if you want to screw around with other people? Seems absurd to me.

 

An additional concern is STDs. Today STDs are far more prevalent than in decades past, and I certainly would not want to be in some sort of sexual-free-for-all and find out later my partner has brought an STD home and given it to me.

 

So I say if you want to live a sexual-free-for-all lifestyle, stay single and break a leg.

[whichwayisup]

That's fine on paper, but once emotions are involved, it's easier said than done.

 

Most people can't just change and become swingers, unless maybe one gets some counselling to learn how to cope and understand the sharing aspect.

[pureinheart]

Here's my POV. If you wanna screw around with multiple partners then don't be in a relationship. After all, why commit to a relationship if you want to screw around with other people? Seems absurd to me.

 

An additional concern is STDs. Today STDs are far more prevalent than in decades past, and I certainly would not want to be in some sort of sexual-free-for-all and find out later my partner has brought an STD home and given it to me.

 

So I say if you want to live a sexual-free-for-all lifestyle, stay single and break a leg.

 

This is a very good point.

[LovelyDaze]

Sometimes, I want to know the story behind one's decision to commit. I like to dissect many things apart to see how it works and one of those is someone making that promise to another that they will love them forever.

 

I have told lots of former boyfriends that I loved them with all of my heart and want to be with them until my last day on earth and they said the same in return. At the time, you are enamored with the person you are currently with and truly believe in them being your one and only love......until you meet someone else.

 

What I've learned is that if you make a commitment, you do owe it to that person to give it your best shot to make it work together. If not, show yourself the door out of it and give that person who WANTS a committed relationship a chance to find that love elsewhere. And you owe it to yourself to live your romantic life in a way that makes you content as well.

 

Life is just to short to play with emotions.

[YellowShark]

What I've learned is that if you make a commitment, you do owe it to that person to give it your best shot to make it work together.

 

I agree. Why commit to one person and then choose to live a sexual-free-for-all lifestyle? Sexual non-monogamy with emotional monogamy is something that is contrary to the western model of romantic love.

[GreenEyedLady]

The more I think about it, the more I begin to feel like the whole concept of Monogamy is at fault for the existence of infidelity.

 

Since it is clearly true that as human beings we struggle to be sexually faithful as a species, why are individuals at fault when we fail to comply with this standard?

 

I think next time I get into a relationship with a man, I am going to make sure we become Swingers. I reckon Swingers have the right idea. You acknowledge the desire for multiple sexual partners, which we all have, as animals, and you explore it together.

 

Isn't that preferable to building a relationship on impossible expectations?

 

I know loads of people would think it's sad that I feel like monogamy is an impossible expectation. But it's not just experience which makes me think it. It's an instinct. I kind of just know that if I fall in love with a man, he is going to want to have sex with other people. And truthfully, so am I.

 

Why not do it together and save all this sneaking around behind people's backs? Wouldn't we all be happier?

 

Sex is so messed up in our society. Let's Swing!

 

Anyone have any thoughts as to why this is in fact a load of rubbish, and why I should rethink?

 

I suspect there is a strong counter argument. It's just how I am thinking right now.

 

I guess you haven't met the man who rocks your world then!

 

I think the counter argument here is sour grapes.

 

I love my H and desire him even more now, than the day I met him. I don't feel any need or desire to be with anyone else.

 

If you don't like monogamy, then YOU can swing.

 

I'll be going swinging with my honey in our doorway! We don't need a third party to enhance our sex life. It's sweltering the way it is!

 

:bunny::bunny:

 

GEL

[Mimolicious]

The more I think about it, the more I begin to feel like the whole concept of Monogamy is at fault for the existence of infidelity.

 

Since it is clearly true that as human beings we struggle to be sexually faithful as a species, why are individuals at fault when we fail to comply with this standard?

 

I think next time I get into a relationship with a man, I am going to make sure we become Swingers. I reckon Swingers have the right idea. You acknowledge the desire for multiple sexual partners, which we all have, as animals, and you explore it together.

 

Isn't that preferable to building a relationship on impossible expectations?

 

I know loads of people would think it's sad that I feel like monogamy is an impossible expectation. But it's not just experience which makes me think it. It's an instinct. I kind of just know that if I fall in love with a man, he is going to want to have sex with other people. And truthfully, so am I.

 

Why not do it together and save all this sneaking around behind people's backs? Wouldn't we all be happier?

 

Sex is so messed up in our society. Let's Swing!

 

Anyone have any thoughts as to why this is in fact a load of rubbish, and why I should rethink?

 

I suspect there is a strong counter argument. It's just how I am thinking right now.

 

Ah! The wonderful world of swinging. Have you ever tried it? This is actually a lifestyle and there are communities for it. I have never experienced the actual act of full swap swing, not even soft swap but I was involved heavily with this community, business wise. It is not just for kicks, some of these couples are like family and almost "cult'ish". There are even code of conducts when you become part of it. Not sure where you live but this is very much what I have seen in the Northeast-US.

[Mimolicious]

Sorry my pc is bugging out.

 

I meant to add... Swinging is not a quick-fix to infidelity and there are plenty of swingers that step outside the circle and cheat. Keep in mind, this is not for everyone and once you open that door, it is hard to step back out of it.

 

Good luck and be safe!

[wheelwright]

Swinging probably doesn't help the conundrum, unless you are talking about sex only.

 

It's a hobson's choice - you choose commitment to the one who rocks your boat, and forsake future boat rocking, or you go for serial monogamy. With inherent lack of security.

 

If you know for sure that you will always need someone else to rock your boat one day, it speaks more about either you or your R than society. Not to say that's a bad thing. Should be owned though. I didn't own this tendency in myself, and it was very detrimental.

 

However, I would have loved for society to be completely accepting of my A, for the BSs involved to see it as a need in the two of us, and to have allowed it to run it's course without damage. In turn, I would have been fine about my H exploring his emotional and sexual needs. Not sure that's swinging, as it goes deeper - allowing the other person to fall in love, to be unhurt in the event they want to change their existing (you) circumstances one day. That would of course remove the security of commitment. Not sure if long term commitment could survive this kind of insecurity. I wouldn't say no to that society, but it sure ain't around the corner.

 

I read when I was young, that if you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they are yours, if they don't they never were. I think if society were a bit freer, people would gravitate to who they loved over the course of their freedom, rather than dedicating to duty.

 

At the moment in society, commitment brings security. That's why we choose it, along with the potential for a beautiful long-term trust.

 

To trust your partner with others, to allow them to fall in love, talk to them about it, and feel no insecurity. Perhaps we are not that evolved?

 

I like monogamy, because it is less complicated in our society currently. This is possibly also why I chose to be straight, though I haven't tested that out. It's just easier.

 

I also think monogamy is easy if you love the person. I wonder about the test where your love means you want to be monogamous, but they haven't done their R explorations. Deep down, I feel this should only hurt if it's about your own security needs. And if you love someone, let them go... It shouldn't hurt.

 

But I see that it does, and that's what counts these days.