Nortishere Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 So i was reading through all these links and really like the support shown from others and thought i woudl add my rock to the pile. Before i recap the whole story i would like to say that i am not letting her string me along. yes i miss the wife, i regret the loss of hopes, dreams, and goals we had made togethor for our life. Its not easy letting go sometimes. I am working to move on with life, i havent been contacting her and after giving her a month I filed the paperwork and have the divorce started. Last i talked to her i told her out right. during the divorce process we probably wont talk anymore - except for interaction required for the divorce, and once the divorce is done my life will go on without her and i will eventually forget i ever loved her. It will be just "yeah i was married once" So i am working to stay strong. I am moving forward and not letting this hold me back. But it is tought, its a very emotional thing to go through. Dont get me wrong, i deeply did and do care for my x2b. But I will not be her backup plan, money tree, or fall back. With that said, this is my story. In the beginning of the relationship [COLOR=#000000]she[/COLOR] lied about about another man. I was told she was going with a friend to st louis to see his aunt. I then found out she really went to with the friend to pick up a ex of hers that was getting out prison. For several months after that I heard rumors she was seeing him that she kept denying. Up until the point where I took the digital camera and took pictures of her car there and told her to come clean or I was gone. Shen then told me that she was with him in name only. That he thought they were going to get together when he got out and since he just got out of jail and his aunt had just passed away she didn’t know how to tell him that she was with me. That started the trust issues, there were other incidents I would hear rumors about, but I couldn’t prove or disprove before we were evenmarried. So I would give Melissa the benefit of the doubt. After marriage things went ok. But she expected me to just “drop and forget everything” and we never really got past the trust issues. It didn’t help that she would do stuff like telling me she was going on a short bike ride with a friend. So I would think 1, maybe 2 hours. But she doesn’t show up until 4 hours later and was like ohh well we stopped out his house and played with his son. To me there has to be transparency in the marriage. If you running later then you expect. You call. She didn’t see it that way. To her its I told I she was going to be out with such and such and I shouldn’t have to “call and check in” like im a teenager again. It was always like that always felt like it was her way or no way. Heck our friend just revealed to me the other night (not to get to graphic) that all those months she was telling me that she had extended menstraul bleeding was just becuase she didnt want to have sex with me becuase she "wasnt in the mood and had a lack of sex drive". I spent at least a grand sending her to the dr to see what was wrong with her, and being concerned only to find out she was lying. SIGH. She wouldn’t really communicate with me. I would tell her if something bothered me, or didn’t seem right to me. She would just say you have nothing to worry about, or tell me I was being insecure and wouldn’t really discuss anything. I would talk, it would be like talking to wall. After year of half of that the problems escalated. I then started getting frustrated with the lack of communication and I started trying to “force her to talk” by threatening to with hold money and not pay for some stuff that was important to her, or asking her if she wanted a divorce. Or saying stuff I really didn’t mean that was hurtful trying to get a response from her, and get her to talk. That was wrong of me and I admit that. But at the same time i would see her have yahoo convo's with guys like one she said she was going to take a shower, he asked if he could join her. Her response was "you cant, because your not here" She explained that off as they were just "joking" but to me when you are married, you dont joke like that. Plus i could never get her to interact with me after about the first year. She didnt want to go out with me, she didnt want to play WII, or watch movies or anything. But yet when she would go back for her daughter weekends (her 1st husband has custody of daughter) to the quad cities. she would go out with friends back there. Which cuased fights because i really felt like that wasnt being fair to me. If you can go out with friends then why cant you go out with your husband? Her explanatin for that was "i see you everyday, I dont see them everyday) So anyway I admit I had trust issues, and insecurities. I admit I did not respond well to the situation and I some of my actions would be considered emotionally abusive. But at the same time from my side. I would catch her in lies, some little and some big, from time to time and even though I would have proof of it. She would just out right deny it and every time we hit that point I would be the one that would have to say sorry and apologize so the fighting would end. I was always the one that had to patch things up and back down no matter if i knew she was lying to me beyond a doubt or not. That eventually led to a big fight around the end of march. Where I grabbed the laptop and was trying to leave the house with it. She grabbed it to keep it there and wouldn’t let go. I took a few steps expecting her to let go and instead she fell down, got some bad bruises and called the cops. After that we almost divorced. But I told her I wanted to work it out, I realize some of the behavior I was doing needed to change. And I was making progress. I thought we were starting to get along. But then in the last two weeks I starting discovering things. Her daughter slipped up and gave me the x2b log in password. I checked her facebook and saw she had been talking to one ex from may to june about how if he wanted to be with her, then he should be with her and only her. Not keep running back into the arms of another woman. And he response to him saying you have a man was “yes I have a man, but that’s a long and complicated story and explanation” The last message mentioned he might be going back to prison and she told him she would look him up on iowa corrections. 10 minuts after that conversation there was a copy/paste on the laptop to word document with his information of iowa corrections. Then checking her myspace messenger I saw where she was basically talking about sleeping with another guy around mid april and she couldn’t wait to wrap her legs around him. I confronted her on this. She denied it. Said it was all a hacker, despite the messages have details about her work schedule, travel plans, and even that my moms boyfriend had build a doghouse for us. We fought about that for 3 days until finally said. Fine lets goto counseling, I am going to drop it. She comes back on Wednesday. We are getting along Wednesday and Thursday but then Friday morning I went out to her car to put newspapers in it before work, because she took them out to the humane society. I saw a cell phone plugged into her car charger that I didn’t recognize as ours. I open it up and all the contacts entered into it were her friends names. I checked messages and she had one to a guy saying she was tired of the mistreatment and the hurt and he said you need to decide who you want to be with and she told him “I want to be with you, we just cant right now” I took that into the house and confronted her on that too. She said it was a “friends” that loaned it to her for a week so she could talk to her friend that was back from guam and had a international phone number. And that the text message was just her venting and her friends know that when she is angry at me she always vents like that and it doesn’t mean anything (part of the problems we had throughout the marriage which fueled the distrust) we got in a big fight, I told her she had until the afternoon to figure out if she wanted to stay married or not and went to work. I called her about one. She told me to make the marriage counseling appointment, but she wasn’t going to goto it. I would have to go by myself to deal with my trust and insecurity issues because she didn’t thnk they could fix that. I make appointment. We get along until Wednesday of last week. Her and her daughter were going to her daughters friends house . She said she knew the parents and that they had a spare bedroom she could stay in. So I told her ok, I start cleaning the hosue and I found a Verizon cell phone bill addressed to her name at our address. Dating from may to begin june. I looked at the numbers. One was the guy she had been messaging on myspace about sleeping with him. One was an ex. One was her friend slim, and the other was her friend up here. So I called her up and I was like “listen, I Just found your cell phone bill” you have a secret phone in yoru name. Of course she denies that. It wasnt her bill she doenst know what I am talking about. She never heard of the number on the bill, despite it showed that she sent a text from her phone to that phone in our cell records. So I had to drop that also to avoid the fight. I don’t hear from her rest of the night, next morning I get a text good morning, sorry she didn’t call me like she said. She got busy. And btw my daughter wants to goto the pool and its 7.00 per person. So I call and talk to her daughter about how her sleepover was and ask her about wanting to goto the pool and was like by yourself? She told me No she was going to go with ***** and ***** and mommy. didnt mention no one else. I talked to the x2b and she was like ohh there is another adult going. Said it was ***** mom named ****. So I tell her ok and hang up. But then I made the connection that the two daughter names givens is the name of daughters for the guy she texted that she 'wanted to be with'. So I call her back up and was like, well since I already took today off anyway to spend it with aaliyah. How about I come down to whitewater with you. She then gets really defensive and is like “why so you can check up on me, im not 3 years old” I then told her Yes to check up on you. I know that ***** and ***** is the name of his daughters. Her reply to that was it was just a coincidence and lots of people have kids named **** and ****. She then told me to call the lawyer she was tired of being accused of things and she was done. I could have been jumping to conclusions, and it could have been an odd coincidence but i doubt it. I do know she was outright lying to the night before so how could i trust her on this So she tells people that this is all my fault. I just tell people that yes I did things wrong. But she helped contribute to it also and we both have things we need to admit to and work on. Unfortunately, as my counselor says, she has a strong case of denial. In her head it seems like she didn’t do anything wrong, this was all my fault. And its like whenever we would fight she only remembers what I have done wrong. She never thinks of the things I did right and was there to help her out. As for the trust and insecurity. She made hard to trust her because I could catch her in little lies here and there and even when caught she would just deny everything or spin it back on me that I don’t trust her and I would be expected to just drop it every time. I find myself blaming me. Because i know that as i was getting more and more frustrated in the marriage I was starting to show the signs of verbal abuse. The feeling like i had to yell to get a point across to her, the threats of divorce or with holding money. I know that i was starting to have anger issues, and was kicking things like the dog gate, doors etc.. and i regret my actions. I know they were wrong. I actually am going to counseling and he keeps telling me not to keep blaming myself for it all. As he said "you had reasons that you felt you couldnt trust her, and she never tried to work with you to alleviate that" Even after she left I was really trying to work it out, going to counseling. Admitted where i had been wrong and coming to terms with my actions that were destructive to the marriage. But as i mentioned she has a new man. So all i got back was a "i dont think reconciling would work as we are 2 different and we would just butt heads again" "but i would like to remain friends" I feel like she is just seeing how things work with this other guy, but wanting to keep the door open behind her in case she needs to run back or gets into financial probs again. Alot of the people around me that knew us, and even her family. Try telling me that i was a good husband, I always took care of her and was always there when she needed me. Heck i dropped 4 grand on a lawyer just to fight out a modification of visitation becuase she said she was unhappy that she didnt get enough time with her daughter. You know, i tried to give her a good life and i was always supportive of her. She wanted to try college. i paid for college and even helped her with her homework. She was having pains in her knee. i would microwave towels for her every 5 minutes to warm them up to put on her knee as that helped her feel better. She had a headache, i would massage her temples. You know just whatever i could do to help her i would. Unfortunately though i guess the signs were there. She never gave back massages in return, and in the 2 years we been married she didnt put a single picture of her husband up on facebook. but she would always put up pics of her and her daughter quickly. No weddings pics, no pics of us from our vacation, nothing. that always bothered me. One thing to note is she never really did show respect for me throughout the whole marriage. An example is she kept talking to ex's that were always saying i miss you, i love you, i want to get back with you or i hope to get back with you. Whenever confronted she would just shrug me off and say "you cant control who i can and cant talk to" and that "i know my friends and they are just joking" I was like i dont care if they are joking, the point is you are married and shouldnt allow talk like that to go on. you may think they are just joking but your HUSBAND doesnt. To me thats a slap in the face becuase they are basicially saying "i hope your marriage fails so i can get you back in bed" She never would look at things from my point of view. Was always me that had to back down, apologize, and work on things. It was always twisted back on me "your just being insecure, you should trust me more, etc.." or another time i saw a im convo she had with another ex. she said she was going to take a shower. His response was 'can i join you" she replied back no, and to his question of why not. her answer was 'becuase you aren't here" She never tried to find a compromise and there was never any communication. I would talk. she would sit there and stare and not say a word. i mean i would goto work. come home. try to engage her in conversation with no luck. Cook dinner, clean the house and hop on my pc while she would sit out in the living room on facebook, messengers, and talking/txting on her phone. I would bring that up and she would be like "well i dont see my friends everday" yeah ok but you sure talked to them every day hours a atime and wouldnt give your husband any attention. I would ask her to watch a movie with me.. play wii, try and sit an dtalk to her. nothing. it was always " well i see you everday" there is a difference between just seeing someone physically and actually spending time togethor. so yeah. most people tell me i am better of without her, she didnt show me respect, she didnt pay attention to what most people would consider normal boundaries in a marriage. But despite all that i still find it tough getting a divorce. its like 'she is my wife, i took wedding vows" I am getting better day by day, as i keep working to move on with my life. But its still difficult. Giving up the life you built togethor. Giving up the hopes, dreams and goals we had made togethor. basically giving up the life i had lived for the past 2 years with her here. luckily it was only a short marriage with no kids. Makes the divorce settlement quick and easy. but yeah. Also the big difference is in how we tell the story. I admit i made mistakes and i state that we both made mistakes and it both our fault. She denies everything and says it was all me. i was verbally abusive, i had anger issues, i did this and i did that. yeah i agree. i did make mistakes and was starting to show some anger issues by kicking inanimate objects. But i was also the point i was frustrated and stressed. She wouldnt talk to me, i would always catch her in lies which made it harder to trust her, and i was getting pushed to the point where i didnt know how to deal with it anymore. So now i am going to counseling. I am going back to the gym - something i had stopped doing as i was getting depressed. I am reconnecting with old friends and making new. My finances have been and still are in shape as i was the one that always watched the budget and made sure we had the money for bills and extra's. Despite all that though, i still feel guilty. At time I feel like i let her down and that its my fault i was the one that was becoming verbally abusive, i was the one that was starting to display anger issues. I wasnt 'me' anymore. I know that alot of my issues were results of her actions. I also am not accepting all the blame for the failure. I say we both made mistakes. The only thing i can do is work on where i went wrong, take care of myself and my issues. I still just dont understand though. i really dont. All these other ex's were always telling her how they love her yet, and how they always been there for her and its like BS - what have they really done for you? they only are there when it looks like you are single and they might get a piece. I was the one that stood by her from the start. Even when she had lied to me in the beginning I stayed with her and helped support her while she was being treated for cysts. Made sure her DR bills were paid and that she received the medical treatment she needed. I was the one that dropped some serious money on a lawyer for her to get better visitation with her daughter from a previous marriage (her 1st ex husband has custody). Even when things were rough for us, I was the one that had always been there for her and she coudl always count on me. Now though, i am not supporting her. i know she is struggling financially and im not there for her. I have cut her off NC as everyone refers to. Even when she left i never begged for her to come back. I just told her plainly Yes i would like to work on the marriage and save it, But that decision has to come from you, i will not beg you to come back. I let her know that as a condition for her to come back she would have to attend MC with me and we would ahve to set boundaries and expecations. Anyway thats my story. its painful to go through, but i know i will be ok in the long run with or withour her.
pinkp Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 That sucks. You sould like a really nice, sweet, awesome guy. Unfortunately you may have been to nice for her. I say give her and the relationship a rest. Hang up the towel. You've been to nice to her, she just walked all over you. I was the same way with my STBX I would give chance after chance. He'd continue to screw up. Bc they knew they could. They knew we'd always be there and put up with al of there ****. Get rid of her, life is tooo short. I know it's hard and you love her. I know you took your vows seriously but she didnt. A marriage takes two ppl. She's not in it. Thats plan. I hope everyting works out. Take care of yourself. And continue to use this forum. There are some very wise ppl here. Great advice to be had. Take care, feel better. *hugs*
spriggig Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Of course you trusted her, loved her, helped pay her doctor bills, pay her lawyer bills and gave her many chances. You're her husband, that's what husbands do. But, that's also what wives do in return--it's a two-way street and she wasn't keeping her side clean. I agree with Pinkp, you were too nice--a nice guy. A lot of women don't respect nice guys. You came here to get a response--or you wouldn't have posted. Here's mine, see if any of this sounds like you: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml
Author Nortishere Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 (edited) I would have to say i disagree with that article. I told her many tiems i was not happy in the marriage, the lack of compromise, and her behavior. I was raised old fashioned though, about honoring wedding vows. So despite that i kept trying to work things out. I have goals in my life and i have accomplished many of them already. Have a professon career, etc.. I learned long ago that with our without someone my life will go on and i will be fine. I did alot for her as she was my wife, i wanted to see her happy. But now i believe she is starting to see that just because i did everything for her. doesnt mean i depend on her. I havent been contacting her, i have never begged for her to come back. She keeps hinting that she needs money for this and that and I dont volunteer to give her any. I keep it strictly to the $100 every two weeks that i agreed to while the divorce was going through. Though i do believe that the marriag with her was wearing me down. Now that i am without her in my life i find myself no longer stressed, no longer on edge, my confidence is returning, I have been going to the gym again and feeling lilke the secure confident guy i was back before all this started. Life is good and i am living it and enjoying myself. Her though - things going down hill fast for her. No job, her mom kicked her out the house because she doesnt like the fact that her daughter is out running around, staying overnight at guys houses without the divorce final, etc.. Friend of ours mentioned to me last night ex called him and mentioned she is starting to reconsider her decision. I appreciate the support. as i said despite the fact that I am doing good, I am moving on. It still is emotional in that i look back and have regrets that my first marriage ended in disaster. She was my wife, and i took the vows. But as time went on i just started dropping it, was easier to ignore the problems then keep the fights on going. As the counselor put it to me "she is poisoning you, and eventually you are going to die. Not physically but emotionally" Looking back i realize thats true, i was starting to die off inside emotionally. Just going through the motions and avoiding the fights. To sum it up from the article: You don't have to be an ego-inflated, arrogant jerk. You just have to LIKE yourself. You have to know what you want out of life, and go after it I know where my life is going. With or without someone in it. I would prefer to have someone there with me to share in my success and celebrate my achievements but thats not a necessity. As i said i have established myself in a professional career, am financially independent now. I have my retirement planning lined up to be comfortable. I have my long term goals in life that i always keep my eyes on, no matter what is going on in the short term. I just made a mistake when i married this one i think. In the beginnign she put on a good show and i had thought she would be a great wife and life partner. But somewhere along the way things broke down and i found that who i thought i had married was not the spouse i was living with. Edited August 4, 2010 by Nortishere
Author Nortishere Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 So funny thing. Shortly after i posted this. the stbx called me up. Asking if our friend passed on the message for her last night that she was "reconsidering reconciling" I told her, yes i had goten the message and i asked her what about the other man. She denied it, of course. I told her lying from the start is just going to put us back to where we were before. So i wouldnt even consider reconciling. So let me ask you again. You have been seeing and sleeping with this other guy havent you. She finally admits to it. Then i respond. So if you have another guy why would you want to reconcile? her answer, she misses her job, she is tired of where she is at, she is tired of "lving on the streets". I told her thats not reasons to reconcile. of course she tries to spin that to "you are not listening to what i am saying and the underlying thing" I told her yeah, you you miss your husband. So we go on, and i tell her i dont she would like the conditions for her to come back and us to try and reconcile. First she would have to got cousneling. Immediately she is "I am NOT going to counselng, you're the one that has all the problems not me" Im like no. You have a problem with compulsive lying that needs to be addressed, as wel as other issues. So i go on and tel her second off there would be boundaries. There wont be any talking to this other guy, or any other ex's that were telling you "i love you and want you back" at that point she goes off on how "i am trying to control who she talks to and telling her who she can and cant talk to and thats f***d up and hangs up" go figure right? obviously she hasnt changed. She just misses the money and is tired of having to struggle now. So anyway i txted her. told her I am no longer stressed and on edge, i dont dread going home after work and that i was not going back to the marriage we had before. I deserve better then that. I know where i went wrong and admitted/wrking on that and it is time for her to admit her own wrongs n flaws and actually commit to me and the marriage if she wnted to reconcile.
pinkp Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I really think that you need to move on from her. Your therapist was right, she's no good for you. You are a smart man in that you see it's the life style and the financial comfort she misses, not her husband. She refuses to cut off contact with the OM and she calls that you trying to "control her". Thats BS, she's not ready. And she's full of it. I know you love her, and I know it's hard. I went through this same thing with my husband wanting to come back home because he missed "home cooked meals and having someone to help him" never said a word about missing his wife. I doubt that she will actually admit to her mistakes, I seriously doubt she'll come back on YOUR terms. What you dont want is her to come back with the same **** had before. Be strong and just leave her be. Dont worry about her, which I know it's easier said than done. We all do, but dont waste your energy on someone like this. She messed up, and she cant even admit it and try to change. You dont bend for HER, she bends for YOU. Good luck ! ((hugs))
Author Nortishere Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 I agree and I am working on leaving her behind. I dont call her. I dont txt her. I dont ask her to come back. I also agree its tough though. Being that i care fore her its hard to watch her crash and burn as her life falls apart. I know she has no money and is currently staying with whatever friend will let her crash at their place, as well as nights the OM. But as i saw. She isnt really committed to coming back for the right reasons. She just misses the money and I will not let her come back on her terms. I gave in to her too much in the marriage and dropped everything all the time just to stop the fighting. I dont want to go back to that and so it has to be counseling, she has to cut off all contact with the OM, as well as any other of her ex's that were saying that they "love her and want to be with her" After all while we were married its always "If you were with me i would treat you better then he does." as well as the "I've always been there for you to help you out havent I?" Well now she is free and where are all these guys to help her out now? Kind of amusing, she said things with me were so bad, yet she still tries to run back to me and get me to help with her financial problems. Makes me think of the song Leave by Matchbox 20 But if that's how it's gonna leave Straight out from underneath Then we'll see who's sorry now If that's how it's gonna stand, when You know you've been depending on The one you're leaving now The one you're leaving out I do appreciate the support given though. As its still emotional and painful, even when you know you will be and are better off without the other person
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