2sunny Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 [=GordonDarkfoot;2926617] Of course you're right, there are many fine women, some posting right here at LS, who are very faithful to their spouses and wouldn't dream of cheating. Maybe it would help you to try to talk to some of them to really get the "faithful woman's" perspective on what your wife's behavior may or may not indicate. that faithful woman would be me... from my perspective the OP W is not to be trusted. in fact - her behavior shows she is untrustworthy. remember - trust is earned. she hasn't earned it - in fact, she's only mad she got caught... she acts as if she has the right to cheat - and you have no right to ask about it. why aren't you mad at her? her behavior is very much in violation of what a healthy marriage could look like. YOU are allowing her to ruin your M and you are saying nothing to her - just going along with things so she doesn't get mad is not going to fix this - i can guarantee you that. The problem is unless your spouse is willing to walk down the same path as you, you have very limited range of effective options "in the real world." believing her words is going to get you nothing accomplished in repairing your marriage. her actions need to go along with words that she loves you, honors you and holds the marriage in high regard. i don't see her doing any of that. going for a weekend is just her way of manipulating you so you overlook her bad behavior so she can continue on and on with her OM. when her words equal her actions in loving behavior and EVERYTHING has changed - then you may have something of a M to consider...
GordonDarkfoot Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Gordon dude, I've just checked some of your other posts and they are all mostly the same, telling people they have a bad marriage and it should be over blah blah, or the woman is most definiitely a cheater/wrong/brainwashing you etc. I tend to try to be consistent in my posting, as much as I am able. If the situations you're referring to that I was posting responses to are similar to yours, then I'd probably be giving similar advice to those people as well. Do you have a problem with women in general? I don't think I have a problem with "women in general." Had a bad experience? I mean are/have you been in a bad relationship? Not currently, but in the past, of course I've had bad relationship experiences. Who hasn't? Life isn't all rainbows and butterflies, at least not for me it isn't. Sorry if thats offensive, your posts just come across as being quite angry with women. If you have the time, maybe you should take a second look. Have I ever said anything negative about faithful, loving women? Women who don't cheat, who love their men, and show it? There's plenty of women like that right here at LS and I don't think I've ever expressed any kind of anger at any of them, if I have, I'll apologize for it right now, I must have been having a "bad day." ...maybe its just me...but then this goes back to my point about how we write and interpret these posts/replies.... Heck you are entitled to your opinion about my attitude and my posts. But I think there is a difference between a woman who texts an old flame, telling him she loves him, he's in her dreams, she wants to be with him, spends time with him at the house, all behind her husband's back; and a woman who would absolutely never entertain doing such things. I do not believe "all woman" would do that, far from it. This is the path I have chosen to walk. The path of trying to live with integrity in my relationships, and holding others to a similar standard. That's all. It's just about trying to live with integrity. You start from there and things start to simplify pretty quickly. I'm no better than anyone else but aspiring to a life of integrity seems to keep my head and my conscience clearer than trying to do it some other way. Has your wife acted towards you with a full measure of integrity as befits one spouse to another? I would have to answer that "no." What is your answer to that question? And what if anything do you think would be required to change things, if change is what you want?
New_Life08 Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I thought i would update everyone on this who's helped with advice. Well, my wife said i should do something with the kids, so we all went into town i went to the cinema, and she went around the shops. After that we went for dinner at a restaurant. She knew that something was up with me, and demanded I tell her whats wrong. I said here's not a good place, but she said if i didnt she getting up and leaving to go home as its ruining the meal. So i start off asking what these texts are all about, and she said she doesnt know what i'm talking about, then i give her some clues etc... So finally we both know what and who we are talking about. She's now looking at me and shaking her head, saying i cant believe you're checking up on me....so i ask her why have a pin code etc and all this stuff going on. She says its to stop the kids etc. And i said you never had this before and we always used to be open and read each other phones together. She said things are not the same as they were though. Well the good point at this moment is we're in a restaurant, so she probably doesnt really want to make a scene (which is what i was expecting from past discussions) especially with the kids there. I tell her this stuff is innapropriate, and is really not on. Its just not acceptable to have these intimate texts. That shes made her bed and she needs to lie in it. Well she kind of mutters "i'm not bothered if you've found this, it's not really true these words anyway, and i cant remember what i wrote, i dont hide the fact that i'm friends with him"... So now its in the open...she carrys on the talking as normal, but off topic, like about the food, telling the kids to behave etc... So we get home, and the kids go to bed. We're alone and she stops me on the way to the kitchen and her eyes water up, she holds my hands and says she doesnt like it when its like this, I know shes very remorseful, and i tell her we need to focus on each other to get back to where we were not on some fantasy world to escape into...she says she wants to be looking after the kids and not out working (due to the financial strain at the moment), and i say thats what i want to, and that i'm so proud of her for what she has done by going out earning. She shared some of her deeper feelings about us with me that i didnt know. And i shared mine... Then came the i love you's etc. (Communication is great isnt it! I know i need to do more in this department - but it takes two in a marriage for this to work) So what was this all about? Its actually the fact that shes had to act on some of this financial burden, and its changed her life, and she feels shes missing out on the kids. The reason for the text? She been looking for attention from somewhere thats got to the point that its innapropriate. Shes been caught, i dont think she will go this far again. Anyway, we're all ok and I feel great today without that horrible feeling in your gut, she knows this behaviour is now not on, and i told her we need to work on being even closer than we are so thats what we're working on. We're also going away on a break just so we can be alone and spend some time... I'm sure she wont be one of these females that just tries to be even more secrative and try even harder to hide these texts!!!!!! I'm too good at finding this sort of stuff anyway. How anyone could be bothered to do this anyway is beyond me. Its surely going to be quite hard work if you've been caught already. If the relationship you're in was that bad surely you would pack yer bags and get on rather than have to work so hard to keep something a secret? Anyway thanks for all the advice, and guidance. That and prayer gave me the help and courage needed to get this sorted. p.s to anyone in a similar situation i recommend the restaurant tactic, my wife can be a passionate firey person in any argument, but with the kids there, and the time for us to drive home and be alone, it has given her the time to actually realise and reflect about whats just happened, and not just to vent out like she normally does on the spot and make the situation worse. This is a good start, it probably feels like a weight has been lifted. Just don't let down your guard quite yet. I hope this is all sincere, but it seems to me that she is dodging accountability for the EA. Did she tell you the "friendship" is over? She cannot be friends with this guy...there is too much sexual energy there. If she went through all of this without apologizing and doing everything she can to convince you the actual EA is over, then I question her sincerity. Some people can get so deeply involved they will do whatever it takes to keep you satisfied and turn the focus to something else. She wasn't going to admit she even had the conversations until she realized you knew things. Then could not remember what she wrote to him? Hmmm? She said she hasn't hidden the friendship...isn't that irrelevant considering the "friendship" has been taken to a whole different level? Wanting to be a stay-home mom doesn't justify having an emotional affair ... She has trouble with boundaries and that is what she needs to work on. She needs to cut the cord with this guy or it is going to destroy your marriage. On a brighter note...it is great that you two are talking. Make sure you keep talking. You will know what feels right and what doesn't. Hang in there....
2sunny Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Hi Chrome, I think you miss my point. Anyway i gotta go and get ready, as we're going out for dinner, and have the kids staying over at grandmas house....all good for an intimate weekend. i think you miss the point. pretending like everything is just peachy won't fix the damage your wife intends for YOU to overlook. open the eyes my dear... being intimate now along with sex can't fix what she already has broken. she is bribing you so you won't notice what reality is. start thinking with your brain... process the reality of the situation - not what she is trying to spoon feed you - because that $hit starts to really stink after you get a close look at what is really going on... but - the eyes have to actually be open (the mind too) in order to see it all.
lndngrl Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Anderson, I think that you need to take a step back and look at this situation. Of course, that isn't easy to do when it is your own life, but think.....what would you tell a friend in a similar situation? I a woman, and from a female perspective, your wife is absolutely in an emotional affair. There is no question. You seem to be trying to convince yourself otherwise, but you need to start being honest with yourself. Women are typically emotional creatures first, and often, that is more important for us than the physical. So, this affair that she is having is perhaps worse than a brief physical fling. I think you need to talk to her about this. If she won't talk to you about it, then you should suggest that you seek marriage counselling and even that you both see a separate therapist individually as well. If she refuses this, then you should consider filing for divorce. The other thing that you should be thinking about is why you feel so compelled to check her text messages in the first place. I was once in a relationship with a guy whose email I used to check constantly for fear he was cheating on me. It is a horrible thing to do. I am now married to a man who I trust completely. The fact that you feel the need to check her phone means that your relationship suffers from a SERIOUS lack of trust. How can you expect to have a successful marriage if there is no trust? Don't get me wrong, she has obviously given you reason not to trust her and for you to want to check her messages, but this is a toxic situation. Ultimately, you can check her messages all you want, but she will find ways to continue the emotional (if not physical) affair. You must confront her again. My guess is that she is probably in love with this guy, but knows that he isn't a quality guy. She won't leave you for him because she is comfortable in the marriage. Plus, if she leaves, then she risks being rejected by him, or other men down the road. Women often fear being alone, so they stick in relationships that they aren't really happy in. All this sounds bad, I know, but it is probably fixable if you both put in a lot of hard work with a trained professional. However, you will never be able to repair you marriage on your own. It will require work from her. If she isn't willing to work on it, then you need to think about ending the marriage. It isn't fair to you. This is not the cause of problems in your marriage, but it is probably a symptom of other problems, and you MUST get to the bottom of them. In the meantime, you need to put your foot down and insist on therapy. Good luck.
2sunny Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 another thing - if she stays home and doesn't work and then you divorce - she gets more support money from you through the courts. it may be her way of setting you up... don't go for that one.
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