Emotional infidelity

[big_kahuna]

I'm glad you worked it out but I have been through this whole conversation with my wife four times now in a very similar situation. Each time a few days pass by and it carries on but sneakier than the last time.

[fit]

good to here dude.

Word of advice though....

Don't stop snooping. I know you feel good now, but if your wife is exchanging "I love you's" with another guy its not going to die so easy.

If you instruct her not to talk to him again...ever, and she complies that I would say thats a really good sign. You have a right to request that as her husband.

[2sunny]

seibert253 - the problem with these post are its my situation and my marriage. They are not the same for everyone.

 

She has not been physical with the guy. Why would she tell me he was round? She knows i could pop back from work at any moment, which i always try to do.

 

invite the guy over to have dinner with the family. watch every single movement between both of them. after dinner, but while the kids are there, ask him point blank why he's being intimate with your wife? be very quiet while he or she explains...

 

since it's not supposed to be a secret - this should be no problem for them or you. if they seem at all disagreeable with the arrangement or during the dinner - you have your answer.

[touhy]

Demand no contact and enforce the same.

Sigh...but I expect we'll all be reading your next installment in several weeks when you discover the relationship continues....

[GordonDarkfoot]

Anderson...

 

sorry to break it to you, but your marriage is over. You just haven't gotten the memo yet.

 

Your first post indicates this is a "lost love" Affair--an old childhood flame or sweetheart of your cheatin' spouse. Those are said to be absolutely the most difficult kind of affairs for people in them, to get away from.

 

Yes she had tears in her eyes when confronted, she told you all the "I love you's" it doesn't negate what she's doing and done.

 

She's a cheater. Cheaters lie. She's a cake eater, she can continue her "friendship" with this guy with no penalties or consequences.

 

Apparently the guy's already been to your house without you there? Then for sure they've had sex.

 

Protect yourself, protect your children, see a lawyer, this marriage is done, stick a fork in it.

[GordonDarkfoot]

seibert253 - the problem with these post are its my situation and my marriage. They are not the same for everyone.

 

She has not been physical with the guy. Why would she tell me he was round? She knows i could pop back from work at any moment, which i always try to do.

 

It's a version of what's called "hiding in plain sight."

 

For some reason, cheaters often provide information to their betrayed spouses about their affairs/affair partners. They'll often talk a lot about the affair partner. It's a way of trying to psychologically disarm the betrayed spouse in exactly the manner that you've been disarmed. "Why she wouldn't be so brazen to tell me this stuff if she was actually cheating with him....would she?"

 

It's a big psych out. They rely on the fact that the apparent willingness to disclose indicates no cheating is going on. The problem is the disclosure is partial and misleading, a "half truth" (at best).

 

After all, if you pop back around and the other man is present, your wife has an "out": "But I told you he would be here." It doesn't take too long to pull his zipper up, he could do that when your car pulls in the driveway. The they're just sitting on the sofa having an innocent chance, rather than her giving him a blow job.

[GordonDarkfoot]

I know this guy has been round to the house when i'm at work as she has told me upfront he's been round, and so have a few other male friends, but i know and trust her nothing has happened etc. I have met the guy once when we first started dating.

 

Oh lord. Anderson I fear it's worse than you could possibly imagine, it's likely your wife is having sex with every one of these guys.

 

What possible "innocent" reason could "male friends" have for visiting your wife, at your home, when you're not there?

[GordonDarkfoot]

If anything did happen I would wring that guys neck for sure....funny thing is so would my father in law as i have mentioned some of this to him!!

 

The really "funny thing" is that your father in law was willing to seriously entertain the notion that his daughter would cheat on her husband with this guy.

 

Too bad he didn't tell you you were crazy for suspecting her.

[GordonDarkfoot]

If the relationship you're in was that bad surely you would pack yer bags and get on rather than have to work so hard to keep something a secret?

 

You are in complete denial. She's got three small children. Pack her bags and go to where? It doesn't sound like her boyfriend is ready to settle down with her yet.

 

Look she's told you she wants to quit working and stay home and take care of the kids. She'll have plenty of time to entertain her boyfriend(s) while you're working. Nice plan she's got there.

 

Then when she's ready she divorces you and hits you up for child support/alimony. A couple of months later she starts shacking up with her new man, either the current boyfriend or someone else.

 

Either way you get the short end of the stick.

 

That's always how these things play out.

 

The reason that there's no hope for your marriage is you are in too much denial and way too credulous. She cheats on you, she lies to you, you catch her, she sheds a few crocodile tears, and you're under her complete control again.

[anderson345]

Hi Gordon,

 

Like i've said before these things are not the same for everyone. I know some of the bad things you mention do happen - absolutely agree!

 

It just doesnt mean this is what every woman gets up to. If you are like that you are surely not going to be able to trust a woman again. There are some people on this site that have perhaps experienced what you've just said (i dont know about your background), but to say there is no hope for my marriage is bull.

 

There are too many people on this forum telling other poor souls to quit their marriage/forget her/throw her out etc etc. based on whats probably a very poorly written thread. Mine is terrible. I'm not a writer and aint going to be able to set the scene here to show what its really like.

 

Really people are asking for solutions/options/help on how to deal with a situation. The best replies always have this, i.e more than one path to follow, as the person can see that situations are different for everyone....

 

Just because what appears to be an EA/ego feed has taken place, does NOT mean every marriage is over dude....

[anderson345]

Gordon dude,

 

I've just checked some of your other posts and they are all mostly the same, telling people they have a bad marriage and it should be over blah blah, or the woman is most definiitely a cheater/wrong/brainwashing you etc.

 

Do you have a problem with women in general? Had a bad experience? I mean are/have you been in a bad relationship?

 

Sorry if thats offensive, your posts just come across as being quite angry with women....maybe its just me...but then this goes back to my point about how we write and interpret these posts/replies....

[Meaplus3]

If your wife has developed emotional closeness to another man, then as I see it.. she in now in a danger zone. It's very easy for emotional affairs to become physical. Your wife need's to cut all contact and fast. Do you think she can do that?

 

Mea:)

[anderson345]

Well Mea,

 

If this was you and you had know the guy since 8years old, do you think you could do that? I'm not sure cut all ties no.

 

I mean, i really do think she only wants to stay friends with this guy, and she has just been trying to feed her ego with stuff a little bit more than friends - i still need to find out why though. I'm really going to try harder to give her this attention she desires.

 

She wants to move abroad (we both do) for a better climate and lifestyle with us her family, so if shes thinking along these lines and planning for this far ahead (we cant afford to do this quite yet, but perhaps 2-3years and she knows this) this tells me her heart is very much with us.

[2sunny]

Well Mea,

 

If this was you and you had know the guy since 8years old, do you think you could do that? I'm not sure cut all ties no.

 

I mean, i really do think she only wants to stay friends with this guy, and she has just been trying to feed her ego with stuff a little bit more than friends - i still need to find out why though. I'm really going to try harder to give her this attention she desires.

 

She wants to move abroad (we both do) for a better climate and lifestyle with us her family, so if shes thinking along these lines and planning for this far ahead (we cant afford to do this quite yet, but perhaps 2-3years and she knows this) this tells me her heart is very much with us.

 

when her actions match her words - then you will know the truth. until they do - then you have no idea what the truth is... especially if her intimate words are with another man. start digging. you need to know more information.

 

friendship with him is beside the point. IF she wants her marriage to survive - she must be willing to ditch the friendship with this other man. if she won't - you have your answer. a gal willing to save her M will do ANYTHING to make it work. one who has her energy elsewhere, won't.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why is this guy defensive? You try to offer him objective advice and he doesnt want to hear it unbelievable.

 

I'll believe in the evils of every person more than the good, because these days you never see the true face of who they are unless they reveal themselves to you.

 

You need to realize what the facts are now, and moving abroad isnt going to help it's only putting a band aid on a still gaping wound.

 

You and her need to address this situation pronto. I dont want to see you crying about your marriage unless you take action for it anderson, stop being defensive about the possibility of bad things happening.

[anderson345]

Hi Sunny, but planning our future together means she's still thinking me and family.

 

What do you mean by "when her actions match her words"? Are we talking emotions? Or contact with this guy?

 

I said to her if he's just a friend, that crap should not be going on. She knows i dont really want her to be friends with him, as this is what she said to me. Text him as a friend and show me he's just a friend i said, but if i find anything like what i've seen again there will be serious consequences. Is that what you want?

 

So i will eventually find the truth and if she is willing to risk our marriage over some attention seeking with an old friend/ex again. I really dont think she will think its worth it...(is this what you meant by actions matching words?)

[anderson345]

Hi Chrome,

 

I think you miss my point.

 

Anyway i gotta go and get ready, as we're going out for dinner, and have the kids staying over at grandmas house....all good for an intimate weekend.

[2sunny]

Hi Sunny, but planning our future together means she's still thinking me and family.

 

What do you mean by "when her actions match her words"? Are we talking emotions? Or contact with this guy?

 

I said to her if he's just a friend, that crap should not be going on. She knows i dont really want her to be friends with him, as this is what she said to me. Text him as a friend and show me he's just a friend i said, but if i find anything like what i've seen again there will be serious consequences. Is that what you want?

 

So i will eventually find the truth and if she is willing to risk our marriage over some attention seeking with an old friend/ex again. I really dont think she will think its worth it...(is this what you meant by actions matching words?)

 

you are doing the same as she is - all words with n action that match your words. this is why it seems so difficult for you.

 

what are you planning to DO about all of this? the words are not enough. how do you suppose this will change? especially since she will continue corresponding with him. what are you going to do? have a plan of ACTION - and stick to it.

[2sunny]

double post...

Edited August 6, 2010 by 2sunny

[Meaplus3]

Well Mea,

 

If this was you and you had know the guy since 8years old, do you think you could do that? I'm not sure cut all ties no.

 

I mean, i really do think she only wants to stay friends with this guy, and she has just been trying to feed her ego with stuff a little bit more than friends - i still need to find out why though. I'm really going to try harder to give her this attention she desires.

 

She wants to move abroad (we both do) for a better climate and lifestyle with us her family, so if shes thinking along these lines and planning for this far ahead (we cant afford to do this quite yet, but perhaps 2-3years and she knows this) this tells me her heart is very much with us.

 

 

And she may very well be thinking of the two of you.. but this other guy can mess thing's up if she continues to share her emotions with him. Do you see what I'm saying?

 

Mea

[carhill]

She also said that he is her dreams, she loves him and that she is jealous of not being with him but they cant be together just now because he would stray!!

 

Interesting choice of words.

 

A while back I asked to invite the guy round for a bbq if he was her good friend, as she said we would probably get on quite well, but then said its probably a bit weird and she would feel awkward, and we could probably never be friends.

 

Is that opportunity still available? A person who is a good friend is a supporter of their friend's relationships, in this case your M. Have him bring your favorite beer, on ice. Drink together. Reach an understanding only men understand.

 

The tone of your story reminds me of another poster, LakesideDream, whose wife had an on and off 'relationship' with a particular old flame for most of their 25 year marriage. He doesn't post much anymore but his old threads might be enlightening.

 

Hope things work out for you. You're the key to that success.

[2sunny]

She also said that he is her dreams, she loves him and that she is jealous of not being with him but they cant be together just now because he would stray!!

 

if that's not the epitome of cheating i don't know what would classify...

 

this guy even occupies your wife's dreams! she's cheating! if she LOVES you - she should be dreaming of YOU...

 

they can't be together? why do you want a wife that infers her willingness/want/desire to be with another man.

 

she has given her thoughts, dreams, words and ideals to another man. that is all you need to understand. she isn't really with you - she MAY be in body at times... but mentally and emotionally she's not with you. she has stated she wants to be with him, but can't, because she doesn't trust him enough.

 

her spending an intimate weekend with you could be because she's trying to make up for her guilt and shame... cheaters overcompensate for their guilt... they feel bad that you found out so they go the extra mile to make sure to get you back into your proper position so you don't upset their applecart. it's called lies and manipulation and cover up.

 

wake up man... looks like you may be getting played - BIG TIME!

[Maladjusted]

You sound exactly like I did two years ago Anderson...though I was less naive than you are, and I mean no offense by that.

 

You are being played my friend. Those tears in her eyes weren't because of the bad times, it was because of the brief flash of guilt she felt when she thought you had really pinned down her affair...but you backed down. She got really anxious in the restaurant, and couldn't wait for you to tell her what was wrong because she is expecting to confronted every single day.

 

Friends don't exchange text messages like that...my wife once said the same thing to me about wanting to be at home, taking care of kids. What you are seeing here is the beginning of the blame game of her affair being blamed on you. When this affair surfaces (and at some point, it will) you will be the one being blamed for it, the financial uncertainty that drove her into the arms of another man.

 

How can you possibly be ok with other men coming into your home, visiting your wife, while you are away? The only answer to that question besides being spineless and testicle free (which I don't think you are) is because you are afraid to lose her, and you are turning the other cheek because you are afraid you will drive her away.

 

If you don't confront this now, if you let this go, it will continue, and your chances of saving your marriage will diminsh tenfold.

 

Who gives a Baker's f*ck if she gets angry when you confront her? YOU NEED TO BE GETTING ANGRY! Another man is invading your home and you are doing nothing about it save for accepting her words at face value.

 

Your own eyes have read differently! You already know what is going on, now take action on it. This guy is out of her life, and you guys need marriage counseling.

 

Here is my story..maybe reading it will help you. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t158015/

Edited August 6, 2010 by Maladjusted

[GordonDarkfoot]

Hi Gordon,

 

Like i've said before these things are not the same for everyone. I know some of the bad things you mention do happen - absolutely agree!

 

Howdy. Since you accept that this stuff does happen to people in your situation, what is it that you see in your relationship, that makes it "different"? IOW that pretty much the same set of factors that indicate "cheating" in other peoples' relationships, lead to the contrary conclusion in yours?

 

I'm not saying you're wrong, I just am curious as to what you see as the significant distinctions if any there are in your relationship.

 

 

 

It just doesnt mean this is what every woman gets up to

 

Of course you're right, there are many fine women, some posting right here at LS, who are very faithful to their spouses and wouldn't dream of cheating. Maybe it would help you to try to talk to some of them to really get the "faithful woman's" perspective on what your wife's behavior may or may not indicate.

 

 

 

If you are like that you are surely not going to be able to trust a woman again.

 

LOL I don't trust men either. No but seriously...my level of trust depends upon the situation; the personnel involved; and the behavior being displayed. You are correct that I would find it very difficult if not impossible to "trust" any woman exhibiting the same behavior as you describe your wife as exhibiting. I think generalizing that to me not trusting any woman, ever, regardless of circumstances is kind of a stretch though.

 

 

 

There are some people on this site that have perhaps experienced what you've just said (i dont know about your background), but to say there is no hope for my marriage is bull.

 

You might have a point. What I really should have said was "In my opinion no marriage could survive what you are describing." I certainly didn't mean to imply there was anything unique, either positively or negative, about you, your wife, or your marriage. It may have sounded like I was singling your situation out, and that was not my intent, so I apologize.

 

 

 

 

There are too many people on this forum telling other poor souls to quit their marriage/forget her/throw her out etc etc. based on whats probably a very poorly written thread. Mine is terrible. I'm not a writer and aint going to be able to set the scene here to show what its really like.

 

 

Actually IMO you're pretty articulate and certainly sufficiently so to give an adequate picture of the situation.

 

The reason there are so many people telling others to quit the marriage I think is a consequence of selection bias. Let's face it, people who post here don't generally talk about their wonderful trip to Disney World, they post to describe some more or less complex and often intractable marital difficulty.

 

 

 

Really people are asking for solutions/options/help on how to deal with a situation. The best replies always have this, i.e more than one path to follow, as the person can see that situations are different for everyone....

 

The problem is unless your spouse is willing to walk down the same path as you, you have very limited range of effective options "in the real world."

 

 

 

Just because what appears to be an EA/ego feed has taken place, does NOT mean every marriage is over dude....

 

I am personally unaware of a single specific situation in which a poster's spouse was behaving in the way you describe your wife, and the poster had the attitude towards that behavior which you are exhibiting currently, which did not ultimately lead to the dissolution of the relationship.

 

But then I haven't been here too long either, perhaps someone else knows of a situation similar to OP's that worked out?

[U2RockZz]

"Who gives a Baker's f*ck if she gets angry when you confront her? YOU NEED TO BE GETTING ANGRY! Another man is invading your home and you are doing nothing about it save for accepting her words at face value. "

 

 

i can't keep better than this