anderson345 Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I found a text earlier this year on my wifes phone to an ex boyfriend (she says they went out for 2 weeks only)/long time friend (since they were 8 now 30!). Anyway the text said 'i love you and know i need you in my life, your my soul mate etc etc...' i left the phone on this text to show her i found it as it was received on Christmas eve, i found it Cvhristmas morning when the kids were opening their gifts. She confronted me and was a little shaky/embarrassed with it and just said you've been snooping. I did not ask anymore and left it at that. She hasnt said anything about it since. I caught a similar text early in our marriage from the same guy saying he wanted her and she's like no other girl he's been out with etc.. I asked what that was all about and again she was embarrassed, and said she didnt know (or more likely couldnt answer on the spot), and that she chose me not him so dont worry....she also texted him all this so i could see and she said she's sure she'll find someone. Just lately i managed to get into my wifes phone which now has a pin code which she doesnt know i know, I also know she deletes most received and sent messages but only from him not other friends. The latest message was that they have been in each others dreams, and my wife is desperately begging him to know what this guys dream was about her. She also said that he is her dreams, she loves him and that she is jealous of not being with him but they cant be together just now because he would stray!! Ok so there are a few exclamation marks and winks etc in the that could just read in a different tone. I mean are they being sarcastic jokey with some of this crap? Can anyone tell me if they think this is just full on flirting between friends, as i suppose it could be taken into a different context, it depends on how you read it. We have had a tough year with finances, and have three young kids under 5 so we are both quite tired, and this has put strain on our marriage. At one point it was real bad as there were so many issues going on. We have recovered from this, but now i've found another very hurtful message. I mean if this text is not jokey is she planning to leave me? I know this guy has been round to the house when i'm at work as she has told me upfront he's been round, and so have a few other male friends, but i know and trust her nothing has happened etc. I have met the guy once when we first started dating. A while back I asked to invite the guy round for a bbq if he was her good friend, as she said we would probably get on quite well, but then said its probably a bit weird and she would feel awkward, and we could probably never be friends. There are signs that there is nothing to worry about, but also some signs there could be something that needs stamped out. Would be good to get some other viewpoints! If anything did happen I would wring that guys neck for sure....funny thing is so would my father in law as i have mentioned some of this to him!!
Ronni_W Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Can anyone tell me if they think this is just full on flirting between friends, My personal opinion is that their communications have crossed boundaries and are inappropriate. It doesn't matter how old their friendship is, and it doesn't matter that there have been financial and other stresses in your marriage. Even if they both (wrongly) believe it to be "just harmless flirting/fun", the fact is that your wife is testing/risking your trust, and that is decidedly NOT harmless or funny. Dishonesty by omission and (text) deletion is still dishonesty, and she is not upholding her obligations and promises to the marriage and your children. You do have the right and, IMO, the obligation to ask her to stop behaviour that jeopardizes your marriage and your family's long-term happiness. By trying to deny/ignore this issue and not taking a stand against it, you are also not upholding your obligations to the marriage and your children. A while back I asked to invite the guy round for a bbq if he was her good friend, as she said we would probably get on quite well, but then said its probably a bit weird and she would feel awkward, and we could probably never be friends. This part is the biggest 'red flag' for me -- what on earth is there to feel "weird and awkward" about...unless there is something to feel weird and awkward about?!? (But I think you already know this, yes?) I have a couple of wonderfully loving and supportive male friendships that pre-date my romantic relationship...and I couldn't wait for them to meet each other. Any that I would feel "weird" about would only be cos there'd be something going on that *I* wasn't keen for my current to find out about. (Which, I don't have friendships like that; I'm just saying.)
Author anderson345 Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 Thanks for the reply Ronni, I agree its inappropriate in a marriage, and I would never even think of doing this, thats why we get married isnt it? To show our commitment thats why it hurts me. It's how I go about raising this issue with her thats the problem. I looked once on her phone before she had the pin code setup and was caught and she shouted out that if i dont trust her then i should leave. But then this was around our tough time....If she finds out that i know her pin and have been looking through her texts from this guy all this time and nothing IS seriously going on - is it really worth the fight ahead? I mean she doesnt delete all texts from him, she leaves the harmless ones which most are to be honest...just general "how's it going?x" texts now and again. I'm just trying to gauge this...There are other things that have been said, like a reply from him saying "you'll just have to be strong you crazy lady, who knows what'll happen in the future x". I think she was maybe saying how she feels about him and wonders what it might be like together? Or that they'll never be together and it hard to deal with or something? She's tried to hack into my phone which she used to run through texts. Should i try to make her a little more jealous/suspicious? I dont really have any lady friends other than hers to text me though haha! I forgot to mention that the most recent text said "you were always the first choice" that hits me a lot...was i really second choice, or the backup because i'm the nice guy whos dependable and wont stray, so ideal for marriage and her life ahead with kids? I think she said he (the ex) was so immature when they went out and thats why it only went on a week or 2... why is she still so into him?? I'm not trying to avoid/deny this issue, i think i am just waiting to see whats what...and figure out the best way to deal with it. As it IS going to have to be dealt with at some point if this goes on.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 (edited) i know and trust her nothing has happened etc. Famous last words. We see this A LOT around here, and it nearly always turn out that things most certainly 'happened'. Much more, and more times than they had imagined. I wouldn't let this go any further. You will need to find a way to dig in and find the strength to force this to an end. Right now she knows she can get away with it. She has you convinced that 'nothing happens' and it is all flirting, and so she continues to do it. She will not stop for your sake, or even your children's sake. She will only stop when she is forced to. She may not be making moves to leave just yet - but as soon as she finds a guy who will handle her baggage and have no problem helping her with three kids, she will more than likely be thinking of making some tracks out of there. You can stop this but you have to figure out what she is running from, and how to work on fixing it so that she will not be looking for escapes like she is doing. Edited August 2, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia
quankanne Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 maybe it's time YOU sent him a message from her phone saying you're on to the "innocent" romance brewing between the two of them, and if he has any respect at all for your wife, he'll leave her alone. either he'll drop her cold potato or he'll tattle, either way, she'll be forced to confront her behavior ...
Author anderson345 Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 LucreziaBorgia - personally i think its a fantasy emotional escape, I found out the guy is moving abroad which is good. But it's still innapropriate behaviour in our marriage. I know She would be so very embarrased if i confront her, i mean this is quite big as far as im concerned otherwise i wouldnt be on this forum. quankanne - i like the idea, but if he just drops it how does that mean she will be forced to confront her behaviour...it would perhaps just reignite later... I basically want her to know she is in the wrong and be embarrassed by her behaviour, but without upsetting her, and I want her to come to me for her needs not someone else. Its probably to do with our financial strain that i am not giving her the attention she needs. But its tough with our financial strain and three kids...not to mention these texts. Our relationship is quite good i would say, so if i hadnt found this text i wouldnt have had a clue which is scary...
carhill Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I basically want her to know she is in the wrong and be embarrassed by her behaviour, but without upsetting her, and I want her to come to me for her needs not someone else. You do know you'll die before resolving this conundrum, right? Better to get it all out, accept her response, and move on, whether that be to strengthen the marriage or end it. To enforce your boundaries, you must necessarily accept that your woman can/will be angry at/with you. It's part of the process. Took me a lot of therapy to get used to it. Good luck
GorillaTheater Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 To enforce your boundaries, you must necessarily accept that your woman can/will be angry at/with you. It's part of the process. This is such a crucial point that can't be emphasised enough. So many men, and I include myself for the larger part of my marriage, live in such fear of their wives' anger. We'll do almost anything, including compromising our values and integrity, to avoid making them mad. What a soul-robbing way to live. If we don't value and respect ourselves enough to have reasonable boundaries and expectations, how on earth can we expect our wives to value and respect us? Answer: we can't and they most assuredly won't.
Ronni_W Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Anderson, Your relationship is NOT "quite good". You are deluding yourself about that. That you had to start this thread in the first place is your absolute evidence that your relationship is NOT "quite good". And it does not cost a penny to give attention to someone else -- so that is just total and utter BS that you're blaming your inattentiveness on financial strain. Start giving your wife and your marriage the attention that both need and deserve. There is NO EXCUSE good enough to not be doing that. By your lack of courage and action, you are just begging Fate to intervene in your marriage, in a most cruel way. You're going to lose, and you won't like it when you do. I basically want her to know she is in the wrong and be embarrassed by her behaviour, but without upsetting her, and I want her to come to me for her needs not someone else. You have the same chance of achieving that as you would walking on water! Please do your marriage a favour and read GT's post until you are 100% sure that you totally understand every single thing that it means. And then go and find your 'nads, for goodness' sake. Take assertiveness training or do psychotherapy or something.
Author anderson345 Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 I thought i would update everyone on this who's helped with advice. Well, my wife said i should do something with the kids, so we all went into town i went to the cinema, and she went around the shops. After that we went for dinner. She knew that something was up with me, and demanded I tell her whats wrong. I said here's not a good place, but she said if i didnt she getting up and leaving to go home as its ruining the meal. So i start off asking what these texts are all about, and she said she doesnt know what i'm talking about, then i give her some clues etc... So finally we both know what we are talking about. She's now looking at me and shaking her head, saying i cant believe you're checking up on me....so i ask her why have a pin code etc and all this stuff going on. She says its to stop the kids etc. And i said you never had this before and we always used to be open and read each other phones together. She said things are not the same as they were though. Well the good point at this moment is we're in a restraunt, so she doesnt really want to make a scene (which is what i was expecting from past discussions) especially with the kids there. I tell her this stuff is innapropriate, and is really not on. Its just not acceptable to have these intimate texts. That shes made her bed and she needs to lie in it. Well she kind of mutters i dont care if you've found this, it's not really true these words anyway, and i cant remember what i wrote... Blah blah...she carrys on the conversation as normal, but off topic, like about the food etc... So we get home, and the kids go to bed. We're alone and she stops me on the way to the kitchen and her eyes water up, she holds my hands and says she doesnt like it when we are like this and its upsetting, and i tell her we need to focus on each other to get back to where we were...she says she wants to be looking after the kids and not out working (due to the financial strain at the moment), and i say thats what i want to, and that i'm so proud of her for what she has done by going out earning. She shared some of her feelings that i didnt know. And i shared mine... Then came the i love you's etc. (Communication is great isnt it!) So what was this all about? I think its actually the fact that shes having to act on some of this financial burden, and its changed her life, and she feels shes missing out on the kids. She's must have been looking for attention from somewhere thats innapropriate, and she should be asking for this from me and sharing her feeling with me. Anyway, we're all fine, she knows this behaviour is now not on, and i told her we need to work on being even closer than we are. We're even going away on a break just so we can be alone and spend some time... I'm sure she wont be one of these females that just tries to be even more secrative and try even harder to hide these texts!!!!!! But how anyone could be bothered to do this is beyond me. Its actually hard work. If the relationship was that bad surely you would pack yer bags? Anyway thanks for all the advice, and guidance. It did give me the help needed to get this sorted.
2sunny Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I thought i would update everyone on this who's helped with advice. Well, my wife said i should do something with the kids, so we all went into town i went to the cinema, and she went around the shops. After that we went for dinner. She knew that something was up with me, and demanded I tell her whats wrong. I said here's not a good place, but she said if i didnt she getting up and leaving to go home as its ruining the meal. So i start off asking what these texts are all about, and she said she doesnt know what i'm talking about, then i give her some clues etc... So finally we both know what we are talking about. She's now looking at me and shaking her head, saying i cant believe you're checking up on me....so i ask her why have a pin code etc and all this stuff going on. She says its to stop the kids etc. And i said you never had this before and we always used to be open and read each other phones together. She said things are not the same as they were though. Well the good point at this moment is we're in a restraunt, so she doesnt really want to make a scene (which is what i was expecting from past discussions) especially with the kids there. I tell her this stuff is innapropriate, and is really not on. Its just not acceptable to have these intimate texts. That shes made her bed and she needs to lie in it. Well she kind of mutters i dont care if you've found this, it's not really true these words anyway, and i cant remember what i wrote... Blah blah...she carrys on the conversation as normal, but off topic, like about the food etc... So we get home, and the kids go to bed. We're alone and she stops me on the way to the kitchen and her eyes water up, she holds my hands and says she doesnt like it when we are like this and its upsetting, and i tell her we need to focus on each other to get back to where we were...she says she wants to be looking after the kids and not out working (due to the financial strain at the moment), and i say thats what i want to, and that i'm so proud of her for what she has done by going out earning. She shared some of her feelings that i didnt know. And i shared mine... Then came the i love you's etc. (Communication is great isnt it!) So what was this all about? I think its actually the fact that shes having to act on some of this financial burden, and its changed her life, and she feels shes missing out on the kids. She's must have been looking for attention from somewhere thats innapropriate, and she should be asking for this from me and sharing her feeling with me. Anyway, we're all fine, she knows this behaviour is now not on, and i told her we need to work on being even closer than we are. We're even going away on a break just so we can be alone and spend some time... I'm sure she wont be one of these females that just tries to be even more secrative and try even harder to hide these texts!!!!!! But how anyone could be bothered to do this is beyond me. Its actually hard work. If the relationship was that bad surely you would pack yer bags? Anyway thanks for all the advice, and guidance. It did give me the help needed to get this sorted. she's gaslighting you. MOST people work in life! she starts talking about "other things" when you brought up something SHE didn't want to discuss. she's changing the subject. she's lying! she will always lie - she's shown you that. she wouldn't have admitted to it if you didn't have proof. so now you know you are married to a liar who places her love and emotions with another man. THAT'S CHEATING! why are YOU willing to be with a cheater who treats you badly? why don't you want more for yourself and the marriage than THAT? we train people how to treat us. now she knows that she can walk all over you - do exactly as she wishes - and she gets no penalty. THAT is a doormat! IF she intends to be in this marriage SHE needs to quit placing her emotional (and probably more) outside of your relationship. she needs no further contact with this guy. or throw her out and tell her not to come back until she deletes this guy from her life and her marriage forever... and agrees to go to counseling. she is trading an ego feed at the risk of your marriage...at the very least - and probably HAS physically cheated at some point through time. at best she's spending time and energy and love on him and not on you. that selfish of her. get busy setting some firm boundaries. and tell her Dad again. exposure for what she has caused could help to deter her inappropriate behavior - but only when it has consequences that she doesn't like. remember - SHE caused it - so it's her fault. if SHE'S not uncomfortable things will never change. the idea is to make her uncomfortable enough to want to change. to cover it up for her is to send a message that tells her of your approval. get busy making her really uncomfortable... so much so that she may actually consider that the cheating will end the marriage. stay strong - don't be that doormat. she won't respect you at all. get busy respecting yourself enough to do the right thing.
Author anderson345 Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 Hi 2Sunny, Thanks for the feedback. These forums can be hard to gauge and read for giving advice, and ultimately its my judgement that counts as i know the person better than anyone. It's not going to continue here as I've told her that it cant last if it does. The guys moving abroad, they aint ever going to get close physically. I'm not sure asking her to drop this guy forever, as they did grow up together from 8yr olds. The innapropriate crap has to stop. Actually this guy doesnt really seem that interested or sure my wifes not taking him for a joke, judging from his old text replies. He's never actually that intimate other than something like "Love you too, you crazy lady!" It's as if he knows its not worth falling for this trap, as he will ultimately be rejected. So I think he just wants to be a friend, perhaps has given up on anything more. But yes she has been feeding her ego with this innapropriate attention. But that ego was broken and deflated yesterday. And yes my father inlaw has already spoken to me and he said he'd break the kids legs, and send him home on a plane to his dad, and if neccessary get on a plane and deck the father in too. He's had problems with the family in the past and says they are a curse. Theyre all just into money etc, and the father even asked my father in law for a wife swap!! He has said to mention that he knows and is on my side, or he'll have a word. As he knows she'll crap herself if knows about this nonsense. This is some father in law by the way...good guy...but could also fit well in the Godfather if you know what i mean.. But anyway he's on my side here as is the mother in law...they cant understand what she would see in him, as they know him too. They said the sooner she realises he's a waste of time the better.
JDreamer Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Good luck, and i hope everything goes well for you! I think your girl maybe was romanticizing lost opportunities? but in reality, i don't think from what you've said, she'd actually do anything....and if given the choice, i think she'd pick you, reality is alot stronger than a escapist daydream... Hi 2Sunny, Thanks for the feedback. These forums can be hard to gauge and read for giving advice, and ultimately its my judgement that counts as i know the person better than anyone. It's not going to continue here as I've told her that it cant last if it does. The guys moving abroad, they aint ever going to get close physically. I'm not sure asking her to drop this guy forever, as they did grow up together from 8yr olds. The innapropriate crap has to stop. Actually this guy doesnt really seem that interested or sure my wifes not taking him for a joke, judging from his old text replies. He's never actually that intimate other than something like "Love you too, you crazy lady!" It's as if he knows its not worth falling for this trap, as he will ultimately be rejected. So I think he just wants to be a friend, perhaps has given up on anything more. But yes she has been feeding her ego with this innapropriate attention. But that ego was broken and deflated yesterday. And yes my father inlaw has already spoken to me and he said he'd break the kids legs, and send him home on a plane to his dad, and if neccessary get on a plane and deck the father in too. He's had problems with the family in the past and says they are a curse. Theyre all just into money etc, and the father even asked my father in law for a wife swap!! He has said to mention that he knows and is on my side, or he'll have a word. As he knows she'll crap herself if knows about this nonsense. This is some father in law by the way...good guy...but could also fit well in the Godfather if you know what i mean.. But anyway he's on my side here as is the mother in law...they cant understand what she would see in him, as they know him too. They said the sooner she realises he's a waste of time the better.
2sunny Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Hi 2Sunny, Thanks for the feedback. These forums can be hard to gauge and read for giving advice, and ultimately its my judgement that counts as i know the person better than anyone. It's not going to continue here as I've told her that it cant last if it does. The guys moving abroad, they aint ever going to get close physically. I'm not sure asking her to drop this guy forever, as they did grow up together from 8yr olds. The innapropriate crap has to stop. Actually this guy doesnt really seem that interested or sure my wifes not taking him for a joke, judging from his old text replies. He's never actually that intimate other than something like "Love you too, you crazy lady!" It's as if he knows its not worth falling for this trap, as he will ultimately be rejected. So I think he just wants to be a friend, perhaps has given up on anything more. But yes she has been feeding her ego with this innapropriate attention. But that ego was broken and deflated yesterday. And yes my father inlaw has already spoken to me and he said he'd break the kids legs, and send him home on a plane to his dad, and if neccessary get on a plane and deck the father in too. He's had problems with the family in the past and says they are a curse. Theyre all just into money etc, and the father even asked my father in law for a wife swap!! He has said to mention that he knows and is on my side, or he'll have a word. As he knows she'll crap herself if knows about this nonsense. This is some father in law by the way...good guy...but could also fit well in the Godfather if you know what i mean.. But anyway he's on my side here as is the mother in law...they cant understand what she would see in him, as they know him too. They said the sooner she realises he's a waste of time the better. that's crap. her father needs to deal with the problem in HIS family! your wife=HIS daughter! she has you fooled! why are you so willing to be so gullible? she has been carrying on inappropriately with another man. get MAD at her! throw her a$$ out! make her realize she's done something wrong and you aren't going to take it. when she shows evidence that she's changed - then consider taking her back - but make her EARN it. everyone is looking at other people to blame except HER! she lies! she would have NEVER told you - until she knew you had proof! she cheats! she gives another man the love, affection (words), time and energy SHE should be placing within the marriage. and she's been justifying this bad behavior for years and years. you are showing doormat tendencies and she will continue to take advantage of you IF YOU ALLOW IT! stop. why aren't you more mad at her that she is a liar and a cheat?
Author anderson345 Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 hey, 2sunny Youre very protective of me, thanks! But i think you have been on this site for so long and seen/read some bad stuff that you only have one answer. People are not robots and all act differently. One solution is not going to work for all. We all act differently. This is my situation, not someone elses or the average solution on this forum. All i'm saying is i dont agree with some of these action you say i need to do. I appreciate the feedback none the less.
Author anderson345 Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 Good luck, and i hope everything goes well for you! I think your girl maybe was romanticizing lost opportunities? but in reality, i don't think from what you've said, she'd actually do anything....and if given the choice, i think she'd pick you, reality is alot stronger than a escapist daydream... JDreamer you've hit the nail on the head. Thanks for your viewpoint!
2sunny Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 hey, 2sunny Youre very protective of me, thanks! But i think you have been on this site for so long and seen/read some bad stuff that you only have one answer. People are not robots and all act differently. One solution is not going to work for all. We all act differently. This is my situation, not someone elses or the average solution on this forum. All i'm saying is i dont agree with some of these action you say i need to do. I appreciate the feedback none the less. do what you want. when it looks like this - and YOU are willing to go along with her behavior - it really only ends one way... with the person in YOUR position feeling resentful - and unwilling to change it. only person to get mad at is yourself. good luck. i speak from my own experience by the way. you are in for a very long life if nothing changes. good luck again - you're going to need all you can get.
Minnie09 Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I can only say: Keep your eyes open! I wouldn't trust her that fast. And why do you keep mentioning your parents-in-law and how they're on your side? I mean, good for you, but if the W has lost respect for you, her parents won't be of any help, either. You are her husband and you have been (emotionally) cheated on. It's your job as a couple to regain trust in your M. I see the value in revealing an A to family members, but that's not how you make your W respect you. Good luck anyhow!
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