My relationship with a married man.....I just don't know where I stand any more

September 19, 2010

Things just aren't getting easier. I am struggling to cope when I don't see him as I miss him so much. I get stressed out and failed totally the other day by getting upset and crying. I feel so frustrated as I miss him when we don't meet in the evenings or weekends. I know he has work to do but a few hours would mean a lot to me. I think the thing which I question is why? Why doesn't he want to find those valuable few hours? It isn't like I am asking for a day out or weekend away, just some time together. I am told I am loved and needed but then I don't see him and end up feeling not needed. I have lots of work on too but make the time. I just wish he would be how he used to be, making time for me.

Golon, it is almost as if you are obsessed with him, in a very unhealthy way.

I am not sure how many more ways he can show you by HIS ACTIONS that you are not even remotely a priority in his life. His priority is wife and work. He won't even give you a 'few hours', which you have asked for repeatedly. Why oh WHY do you give him so much control over you? This is very unhealthy and I really wish you would get into some counseling. The stress could very easily cause you to have a nervous breakdown because you are so needy and so unable to function because you are so obsessed with him.

That isn't love hon. Not even close.

So what if he TELLS you he loves you and all that -- his ACTIONS are not saying that. Abused women are told all the time they are loved and then they get the crap beat out of them (actions) and then the abuse apologizes (words) and then does it again (actions).

This guy is NOT telling you he loves you via his ACTIONS. Why do you continue to want to be with someone who treats you this way? Why do you keep hanging on? Do you really think he is ever going to leave his wife? Is this because he TOLD you he was? Yet he is trying to get her pregnant (ACTION). Please, get some counseling to help you come to grips with this unhealthy attachment you have to him.

I know its painful, but its no different than any other relationship.

What if he were single? If he were a single guy and he suddenly stopped making time for you, what would you do?

Would you hang in there because you thought he would change his priorities?

Im not sure why but people often make more excuses for an MM than they would for a single guy.

They say oh he isnt making me a priority but that is because he needs time to see that what we have is so special that he needs to rearrange his priorities.

Just as the marital obligations prohibit an MM from doing certain things he would like to do for the OW, and sometimes is used as an excuse, the OW sometimes uses the marriage as a reason to "hang on" when the MM isnt fulfilling her needs.

If a single guy treated you badly you would end it right?

But I think there is a tendency to say well a single guy has no excuse for not putting us first, he has free choice. An MM WOULD put me first if it werent for the marriage. If only hed met me first, or if only he would leave, things would be different.

I think that is a mistake. If you are wanting more and not getting it, then you need to think again. He has the power to change his life. He isnt exercising it. Really that is all you need to know.

EXCELLENT

September 19, 2010

I wish you could get annoyed at him, but you still think he's the best thing since sliced bread! I am getting angry with him (your MM) and I don't even know him! I don't know why he's back tracking, like I think I may have said to you before, no doubt he liked you in the beginning, and more than likely still does, but it's just easier to stay where he is. When you think about it, it's weak and cowardly, to chase a woman, be can't-get-enough-of-her and then let her down and hurt her.

I understand where you both are. For the longest time, people told me that I needed to get angry with xMM because of how he'd keep winning me back after I ended it with him over and over again. I constantly put the responsibility on myself because I allowed myself to get sucked back in. In my mind, he was always the sweet, kind man who was just too attracted to me to fully let go.

But I finally just got pissed off because, even when we were no longer together, he continued to talk to me in every way he could - this last time was on facebook. I finally sat back and realized 'here we are again - talking every day'. It's like he was everywhere and constantly trying to stay in my life because he 'just wanted to be my friend'. Once, he called and asked why we never talk anymore and I told him that 'I just think we need to leave one another alone'.

But I started to see through this and realized that the stuff about friendship ALWAYS left the door open for us to get back together at some point in time. Plus, I started thinking, 'this guy is the owner of the company I work for and he has no right to treat an employee like this.' I'm not saying that he didn't have real feelings for me or that he's a bad guy, but what I am saying is that if the roles were reversed, I know that I would never cheat on a spouse year after year after year; nor would I lead another person on - especially someone that I had feelings for and who had feelings for me. And, for some reason, that was the breaking point for me.

When he called me a couple of months ago, I said to him that I knew that I had responsibility in the situation with our relationship but that I wanted to know what he was thinking. It was a conversation that cleared up some things for me. I can't say that I hate him or anything like that but I have lost a lot of respect for him and I now treat him like he's someone who's very dangerous to my life and well-being. Despite all the beautiful moments we had, they were borrowed moments because he was with someone else. That was the constant, that was the brick wall that wouldn't go away - by HIS choice. I figured out that this is how I must feel about him so that I could finally and completely disentangle myself from him. These days it doesn't matter to me if he comes into town to visit the office or not. I just don't care. And I'm happy to not care.

I hope these words will mean something to both of you. It is up to you to look at your situation for what it is. To look at it from his point of view and ask yourself how it is that he rationalizes hurting someone he loves, how he rationalizes cheating on his wife over and over again. I pray that both of you finally make peace with this and find a man who truly deserves you. Being with a MM is a highway to nowhere. Please take the next exit and find a new road.

September 19, 2010

Nice post Angel... thank you... glad that you made it through... hope both Golon and myself do too.

I am identifying with the loss of respect for MM. It makes me incredibly sad though, but in time the rose-tinted spectacles Golon sees with will come off too. (I mean NO offence Golon, it's just painful that you're so hurt, but he's not worth it...). It's painful to be led on and let down for sure and it's hard to face the truth and admit that's what has happened. I think once you face that pain you are on the way, slowly, to recovery.

I went to counselling earlier in the year over what happened to me, it really did affect me that badly (Golon you're not alone) and one of the things the counsellor said to me was that I had to face the pain and how it made me feel, and how did I feel about that... that it wasn't going to happen with me and this guy... I burst into tears, just at the thought of it... I think I had been in denial of how much it hurt and denial of it being over... I said to her that feeling the pain is almost like a train coming towards me, and naturally, you know it's going to hurt when it hits so you don't want to be hit by it, you dodge it... you want to feel optimistic, not dead, but she said you need to let it hit you, metaphorically speaking of course, you need to let the pain hit you and not be in denial.

Golon, it means it will get worse before it gets better. But give this food for thought... it may better to crash to rock bottom and accept that it's over instead of keeping yourself floating in this fantasy of what might be, but ISN'T... then you can start to work your way back up... it's not everyone's cup of tea, counselling, but you are not coping very well on your own (no shame in that). I can honestly say I dreaded going to mine, and the sessions are draining emotionally, but it helped to talk about things and examine why I might have got myself into this bad situation. It helped me examine my own behaviour. It would take a while to go into it all and explain to you everything that was discussed so I won't! But I recommend counselling anyway! I didn't agree with everything the counsellor said, but those times helped me identify more strongly with what I DID think and believe, it's all helpful in the long run. If you can not accept that the end is nigh with this guy (and as I said I understand that) at least try talking to someone professionally trained to help you sort yourself out. Hang in there. x

September 19, 2010

Well, there's the other thing that's the biggest part of this problem here, Golon. Because you won't make the choice to just say to him, 'You know what, hon, this situation isn't working for me. What I need to do is just walk away from it and if or when you leave your marriage, we can talk then."

Because you can't or won't do that, he knows that he can do whatever he wants, and he doesn't respect you. He knows that all he has to do is act sad, or shocked that you don't believe in him (while he already knows what he's doing to you), all he has to do is make more promises, act more romantic, say the right words and you're right back where you started. It would be different if he wasn't making you feel bad or dismissed or second-best, because there are cases out there where the MM does leave his marriage and he's not just making empty promises. But I'm thinking that in those cases, he's very above-board with his OW and doesn't make her feel the way your MM is making you feel. His level of respect toward you would rise considerably if you would just find the strength to do this. Until you do, I doubt you'll ever have this man.

And honestly, if you can't do this, then if I were you, I'd stop talking to him about how you don't like what he's doing, how he's treating you, and all that. All you're doing is nagging him and making yourself look weak. If you decide to stay, then I say just deal with it because this is what you have agreed to by staying with him under these circumstances. Not trying to be mean, just wanting you to look at it realistically. Continuing to discuss a problem over and over with a man and not getting results only makes you look weak.

September 29, 2010

Thank you for the responses. I do try and voice my concerns- the main issue being my wanting to spend time with him. Trouble is it is seen as nagging. I admit my approach is quite full on but to me it really matters to ask these things. He gets cross with me. He thinks I spend too much time just wanting to talk about the relationship. He sees me as unsympathetic to his needs and that I am making him unhappy. It hurts as all I am really trying to do is get more time with him. I am just seen as a nag and pushy. I can't convey my feelings without getting distressed, just find it hard to stay calm and not get worked up. It matters to me so much and I am accused of being self absorbed. I think what then kills me is one day I am told how special and important I am and the next, when I try to voice concerns I am told he has had enough of me and I make him unhappy. He has even gone to far as saying he has had enough of me, then the next day being fine like nothing has occured. I just don't understand. How can one minute you be vital in someones life and the next told you make them unhappy? I am trying my best. I just feel confused by it all. I do love him very much.

September 29, 2010

Thank you for the responses. I do try and voice my concerns- the main issue being my wanting to spend time with him. Trouble is it is seen as nagging. I admit my approach is quite full on but to me it really matters to ask these things. He gets cross with me. He thinks I spend too much time just wanting to talk about the relationship. He sees me as unsympathetic to his needs and that I am making him unhappy. It hurts as all I am really trying to do is get more time with him. I am just seen as a nag and pushy. I can't convey my feelings without getting distressed, just find it hard to stay calm and not get worked up. It matters to me so much and I am accused of being self absorbed. I think what then kills me is one day I am told how special and important I am and the next, when I try to voice concerns I am told he has had enough of me and I make him unhappy. He has even gone to far as saying he has had enough of me, then the next day being fine like nothing has occured. I just don't understand. How can one minute you be vital in someones life and the next told you make them unhappy? I am trying my best. I just feel confused by it all. I do love him very much.

he's pissed because you are making demands he cannot give you. he literally wants to make no effort except to tell you a few sweet things every now and then in order to keep you coming back - so that he gets sex.

he's mean! dump his a$$!!!! no man - single or not would tell me the things he's said to you and see me again.

he's UNAVAILABLE! that is the reality! look at the reality and know that you haven't accepted what that is yet. he's never going to make you a priority - especially when he's this mean about being clear that you are his option - and disrespectfully treats you as such.

he's also afraid he may get caught - so he keeps pushing you further back so you know your proper place - which is low in his list of priorities.

dump him. you deserve more.

September 29, 2010

THis man is toxic. He is giving you inconsistent reinforcement and that is keeping you tied to the idea that this is a love relationship. Its not. Its him being selfish knowing that you love him and that while Im sure he cares for you, he can act however he pleases and you will put up with his scraps because you simply want to breathe the air he breathes.

As hard as it may be while you are still in love with him, you need to love you more. Tell him NO MORE. You are finished "nagging". If he doesnt know that you are the best thing that ever happened to him and thank God that you are willing to spend time with an unavilable man, then he doesnt deserve you.

Take back your self respect. Get away from him. It will take time but your heart will heal.

Big hugs

September 29, 2010

How can one minute you be vital in someones life and the next told you make them unhappy?

Because the person telling you this only cares for you on his own terms. When it is convenient for him, he likes you - when it isn't convenient for him, he doesn't.

Basically, you are meant to appreciate any attention he gives you without asking for any in return. It isn't an uncommon way for a narcissistic jackass to treat a woman.

September 30, 2010

I do try and voice my concerns- the main issue being my wanting to spend time with him. Trouble is it is seen as nagging. I admit my approach is quite full on but to me it really matters to ask these things. He gets cross with me. He thinks I spend too much time just wanting to talk about the relationship. He sees me as unsympathetic to his needs and that I am making him unhappy. It hurts as all I am really trying to do is get more time with him. I am just seen as a nag and pushy. I can't convey my feelings without getting distressed, just find it hard to stay calm and not get worked up. It matters to me so much and I am accused of being self absorbed. I think what then kills me is one day I am told how special and important I am and the next, when I try to voice concerns I am told he has had enough of me and I make him unhappy. He has even gone to far as saying he has had enough of me, then the next day being fine like nothing has occured. I just don't understand. How can one minute you be vital in someones life and the next told you make them unhappy? I am trying my best. I just feel confused by it all. I do love him very much.

Golon, honey, do you hear yourself? I mean, seriously. You're telling a MARRIED MAN that you expect him to spend more time with you. Do you think maybe that you've lost touch with the reality of this situation just a tad?

First of all, the day I have to convince a man to spend more time with me, is the day I walk away. And the day a man tells me that he's had enough of me, is the day I'd quit talking. Whether you see it this way or not, he sees you as being a nag and being pushy. Even if you don't agree with that, you must acknowledge that HE DOES see it that way.

I think it's pretty obvious that your methods of dealing with this problem aren't working. As a matter of fact, they're backfiring on you. It seems that you're so focused on what you want that you're just not seeing anything else. What you're calling 'voicing your concerns' is really an attempt at controlling the situation and not taking the clues.

YOU CANNOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE AND YOU CANNOT MAKE THEM DO WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO DO.

The only thing you CAN do is acknowledge that he cannot give you what you want. You want a whole and complete relationship. He is not the man to give you that. You just refuse to see that, even though it's extremely obvious.

As I said before, your best move would be to tell him that this situation isn't working for you (notice, there's no blame or nagging in that sentence) and that you need to just disappear. And, again, IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO WALK AWAY FROM HIM, THEN ACCEPT THE SITUATION AS IT IS - BECAUSE AS LONG AS YOU STAY, YOU ARE NOT IN A POSITION TO BARGAIN.

September 30, 2010

He will see you on HIS time frame and HIS terms, not yours. In his eyes, you are the OW in his life, secondary to his wife. His primary relationship is with his wife, his marriage.. If you plan on continuing to stay in the affair, then accept your role as his OW. To him, he wants someone who will do what he says, and be OK with it. He wants someone who won't question him, argue with him, put demands on him, have hopes and expectations.

It's sad that you want this man, he treats you like crap and you're begging for more.

Please consider some counselling..Going about love this way with a man, let alone a MM who is just plain AWFUL to you, when we all know you can do so much better.

September 30, 2010

What I am confused as heck about it, he is married with no kids, says he loves you and wants to be with you, yet somewhere I read he is trying to get his wife pregnant? Say what? Like, is this guy for real? I am confused as hell.

If he was trying to get his wife pregnant, doesn't that mean he loves his wife and you are nothing? Or what does he think? That getting his wife pregnant is some sort of consolation prize for leaving her and that he is gonna play happy families with you while paying child support for he and his wife's bub if and when he gets to be with you?

I mean heck, it's not like the MM has kids to worry about possibly wrecking the life of, let's remember that his wife will be O.K. eventually if he leaves, it's only his hip pocket and reputation which will suffer.

But like, he wants to start a family with his wife?

Are you certain that this is still his intention?

You need counselling hon and you need to get yourself another life pronto. Take the advice above and start dating, no matter how hard it is for you, I know. I don't know what you are into, but just start casual dating and having fun with other men, something like speed dating where you can see the world of opportunities out there or some "quickie" dating site and DO NOT wait for him in any way, shape or form.

September 30, 2010

Here's a book suggestion too (and you will find plenty more on amazon.com that are related to the topic of being the other woman):-

Will He Really Leave Her For Me?: Understanding Your Situation, Making Decisions for Your Happiness (Paperback) by Rona B. Subotnik

October 1, 2010

What I am confused as heck about it, he is married with no kids, says he loves you and wants to be with you, yet somewhere I read he is trying to get his wife pregnant? Say what? Like, is this guy for real? I am confused as hell.

Whoa. I didn't know about this. Is this true?

October 1, 2010

Yes, he says he "owes" it to his wife to try to "let" her have a child. (No word about whether he wants one with her or not; my guess is he does).He also tells Golon that they are trying IVF to conceive, which I highly doubt. I truly believe that he just doesn't want to deal with the drama that would ensue if she knew they were trying to conceive the old-fashioned way. Sad story.

October 1, 2010

Yes, he says he "owes" it to his wife to try to "let" her have a child. (No word about whether he wants one with her or not; my guess is he does).He also tells Golon that they are trying IVF to conceive, which I highly doubt. I truly believe that he just doesn't want to deal with the drama that would ensue if she knew they were trying to conceive the old-fashioned way. Sad story.

Ok.....total dealbreaker. That's ridiculous.

October 1, 2010

Things just aren't getting easier. I am struggling to cope when I don't see him as I miss him so much. I get stressed out and failed totally the other day by getting upset and crying. I feel so frustrated as I miss him when we don't meet in the evenings or weekends. I know he has work to do but a few hours would mean a lot to me. I think the thing which I question is why? Why doesn't he want to find those valuable few hours? It isn't like I am asking for a day out or weekend away, just some time together. I am told I am loved and needed but then I don't see him and end up feeling not needed. I have lots of work on too but make the time. I just wish he would be how he used to be, making time for me.

Because you are not as important to him as he is to you. He seems to be your whole life. Whereas you are just a tiny little piece of his life, a piece he can pick up or put down as he likes. Like dessert - it's not not necessary, and it's great sometimes, but it's not something that he needs or seeks out all the time, especially when he's got a full dinner every day at home.

I do love him and want to be with him

Well, you can't. Because he doesn't want to be with you, not the way you want.

And you ought to know this by now. I have no idea why that hasn't sunk into your head yet. All of his behavior can be explained easily by that: he does not want to be with you, not the way you want him to.

You are ruining your life. Get a grip and get him out of your life. You will not find happiness with him, ever.

October 1, 2010

Amen, Nora..I've been lurking/posting here for two years now, and I can say that Golon, (and even before, under her previous username), just does not seem to get it. It is the most drastic case of denial that I've yet seen. No matter what she is told, she continues to disregard it and continues to hope that he will change. I don't think she's ever even acknowledged the advice she's been given; she just continues to believe the lines he's feeding her, and keeps accepting the abuse he heaps upon her. It almost makes me want to cry for her, she is so deluded.

October 2, 2010

Hi,

It has taken me a little while to build up courage to reply......

I have to explain a few things....

The IVF is over. It started prior to meeting me and the final attempt was in motion when we met. It is over now though. I also didn't know about it until a bit into our relationship. I don't want anyone on here thinking I knew from the outset....I didn't. Why didn't I walk away? Well.....he convinced me not to....told me that it was me he wanted and managed to convince me this was the case.

The problem for me......well......it's the mixed messages. The other day I got the positive messages again.....about how he wants me....loves me....needs me.....but as you know if you've followed this thread this has not been a consistent message. Usually when I ask to see him he gets snappy with me....thinks I don't understand how difficult things are.

I was told a few days ago that he had had enough of us....I didn't understand he has obligations.....then the other day was told I mean everything to him....I'm his soulmate. He said it was just pressure at work making him snappy and working together has meant I've seen this negative side. He said the other day he wanted to reassure me that he does want me.

Thing is I just can't forget all the times he has been snappy/impatient with me. I don't know which side is the real side.....which is the true side. I do feel very torn apart by it all. He mentioned wanting a home with me the other day....he hasn't mentioned that in a long while. He used to talk of it a lot and I just felt so sad inside. I didn't really respond to it....just smiled. I didn't know what to say as we don't live together.....I want to be with him but inside feel so sad this isn't happening.

Does anyone else find they see other couples....holding hands.....being open and want to cry?

Does anyone else feel totally lost and not know what is going to happen to them?

When I do mention the future he just says he does want to be with me....of course he does. It is me he wants etc.....but then.....as you know from this thread....it is not a consistent message. I simply don't know what to do any more. I do want to be with him.....of course I do.....but I can't make him leave his W or make him take those steps.....I wish I could speak to one of you face to face....someone who has been there and understands....I feel very alone.

October 2, 2010

Oh Golon, I don't know what to say to you anymore, hon. Nothing has changed since your first thread here.

Sure he wants you and needs you... To be his mistress! He is not taking any more steps to leave his wife than he was months ago. All he is doing is telling you he loves you and needs you. I guess he does, but he has a funny way of showing it. I know he makes you feel good when things are good, but how many good times have there been lately? And what are good times? When he's telling you you're his soulmate as opposed to the times he's yelling at you because you want more of him?

I really think this man is a master manipulator, and is abusing you emotionally.

I don't know what to tell you anymore. Nothing has changed. Nothing is going to change, unless maybe a dday happens.

October 2, 2010

I don't know which side is the real side.....which is the true side.

That's the thing: they are both his 'real side'. I suspect his wife sees the same Jeckyll/Hyde thing at home as well.

When it works for him, you are his soulmate - when it is inconvenient, you are the thorn in his side.

It is both, not either.

That is what happens when you are with a guy who wants an affair and not a divorce. He wants an OW who is content with what she has, and a W who is content with what she has. The second either puts pressure on for more, he puts them in their place.

Even if he did leave his wife for you, I have a feeling you would come to regret it. People like this don't change when their partners do.

October 2, 2010

The problem for me......well......it's the mixed messages.

I'm with jthorne on this one - I don't know what to say anymore, either. All this guy has to do is tell you what you want to hear and you believe it -- no matter what your history with him tells you, no matter how much the facts stare you right in the face. The mixed messages should tell you everything but you just refuse to see it and you're way too caught up in the drama and emotion to make intelligent choices. I guess someday you'll wake up....after you've wasted several more yrs of your life; after you turn around and find that he has a complete life with his wife and you have nothing.

Edited October 2, 2010 by Angel1111

October 20, 2010

Things are not getting any better for me.

I think last night was a prime example. After a whole weekend of not seeing him I was feeling really upset. At work on the Monday I tried to talk to him but got snapped at. Told that all I do is go on and “hold him back” from work. I find this hurtful as I actually do an awful lot to help him at work…..sometimes this has a knock on effect on my work as I help him first.

Last night was terrible. I stayed back at work to help him and afterwards raised the issue of how he was with me the previous day. I also raised the issue of wanting to do something with him at the weekend. He basically kicked off at me. The worst part of it all was being told I’m mentally unstable, he fears I’ll harm him or his wife. This is absolutely ridiculous….that he is wary of me as I keep “going on at him”. I said it is because I want to spend time with him and when I raise it I do get emotional and cry…I can’t help it. I miss him and I feel frustrated. He said that he thinks I’m not right in the head.

*

To be honest I feel really hurt by all of this. If I am crying with frustration….when I try to talk…it is because of his dismissive response to my hurt. I try to make him see that not spending time with me is making me depressed and I can’t help but cry. He thinks I am just going on at him, not his fault, he feels unwell, too much to do at work. I have been described as another issue to deal with. He says he can’t put up with it much longer.

I feel that I am unable to raise how I feel with him as I just get accused of going on etc. It seems unfair as all I ever do is support him. I do get emotional….but when you ask someone who you have not spent time with for days to spend time with you and ask them what they want to do and they say “don’t know” and then show no enthusiasm it does tend to hurt. I feel I am being made out to be some sort of over-demanding person.

*I don’t feel asking to see someone you are in a relationship with or at least meant to be in a relationship with is being demanding.

*

I have been branded by him as being unreasonable, unstable, an issue…etc but nothing I am asking is wrong. I may cry and get emotional but it is because I care. To be told he needs to be wary of me….like I’m somehow this terrible person really rips me apart. Wary? Of someone who is only asking to spend a few hours doing something nice together…..like a couple. I am meant to be his soulmate….but I don’t feel needed.

I am just devastated by all of this. How is it possible to love someone so much and yet them act like this? How can someone tell you that you are their soulmate and yet be so dismissive of your feelings? Yes- I admit crying/getting stressed is not the best way to deal with something...but I am emotional.....because it matters to me.

I love him so much. He has said I am his soulmate and I don't get how he can be like this.*

*

October 20, 2010

Golon, I'm sorry to say this but you are clearly involved with a AZZHAT, he is not just a tiny little bit but a full fledged AZZHAT. He sounds controlling and passive aggressive.

He clearly is selfish and does not take you into consideration, it's all about him.

You are hurting and hurting a lot, and you are the one who has the power to get off the train. Love is not supposed to hurt like that, nor is someone who professes to love you should be treating you with such disdain and callousness. He is gaslighting you, making you feel bad and that you are wrong for wanting more than what he is giving you. You clearly are NOT a happy OW. Time to get out isn't it?

October 20, 2010

You have been told a number of times, look to his actions as a more reliable indicator of your status, and not his words:

How can someone tell you that you are their soulmate and yet be so dismissive of your feelings?

I love him so much. He has said I am his soulmate and I don't get how he can be like this.

I think - in a sense - you are being unreasonable. Unreasonable in the sense that you are still unable to see that this man's behavior toward you is not that of someone who cares about you - not that of a "soulmate." He uses words and empty promises to manipulate you, and you hang onto that alone, while ignoring the messages and signals that his behavior are sending you.

And, you are being unreasonable in that, in the name of "love for your soulmate", you continue to sacrifice your own well-being and even your job status for him:

....I actually do an awful lot to help him at work…..sometimes this has a knock on effect on my work as I help him first.

The heck with him - you need to be reasonable toward yourself. You eventually need to find some sense of self-preservation here, to protect your emotional, financial, and career interests.

He thinks I am just going on at him, not his fault, he feels unwell, too much to do at work. I have been described as another issue to deal with.

That is, indeed, how he sees you. It sounds as if he has done the tradeoff, and to him you have become more of a burden than an advantage. He does not see you as a soulmate; to him you are a simple balance of burden vs. benefit, and we can pretty much tell, from his actions, which way he has decided that is working out. Notice I say "to him", as I'm not at all intending to pass judgment upon you and say that you are, objectively, you as an individual are more of a burden than a benefit, but that this is his perspective, and you would do well to understand it.

And it also sounds like he is too weak a man to break it off with you in a forthright and honest manner (this is consistent with our knowledge of him, as he is also too weak to act honestly within his marriage.) So instead of doing something conclusive, communicating with you clearly, etc., he will drive you crazy until you leave him, making it look like your problem, and putting the emotional burden upon you.

He says he can’t put up with it much longer.

With all it is costing you, why do you?

October 20, 2010

With all it is costing you, why do you?

I agree with Trimmer.

Don't stay with someone who doesn't respect you. Leaving him might hurt but it will be a healthier hurt than the pain you are in at this minute. You can't make him change. You can only change yourself.

That's what you need to do. Change yourself. Schedule a meeting with a counselor that might be able to help you with coping strategies. Do it today. I think you've lost sight of what healthy behavior/relationships look like.

MM is taking you down with him.

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My relationship with a married man.....I just don't know where I stand any more

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