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My relationship with a married man.....I just don't know where I stand any more

Golon

By Golon
in The Other Man / Woman

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Golon Member

Golon

Posted
Posted

Hi,

 

Firstly I've already been posting on here under a different name but I have had to create a new identity. This is because the MM (I'm not 100% sure) went on my PC while I was away and I think via search history etc managed to find my post. I think (although not 100% sure of this either) he possibly even replied to my post as the points raised were very much akin to things he would say. I am now being much more careful and making sure I delete "history" on my PC and making sure I don't leave it open to being looked at.

 

I'm not sure how it works on here but I'll try and message those who were replying to my last post. This is frustrating but I do feel I still need this forum very much as I am very confused. It also really means I can't go over old ground such as things which have happened before.

 

I have been seeing my MM for under a year and we met at work. I have been told that I am his "soulmate" that he wishes he'd met me before he met his wife, that if he was single we'd be together, that he has never felt like this for anyone, etc. He recently went on holiday with his wife. It really killed me...he said he had to go and had no choice. In return for this he booked us a few days away to show he was committed to me.

 

I really looked forward to those few days alone together. Trouble was while away he had to contact her every day and it killed me. At times I could enjoy the trip and forget the situation but at others I just felt overwhelming pain and sadness......seeing couples so open.....couples with small children. It was like I couldn't escape the ache inside.

 

On our return I couldn't see him for a bit as he had to deal with his home life. He had to lie about where he was etc to go. I guess I had hoped this trip would make the difference....that somehow we'd grow closer....but it seems like business as usual. He doesn't seem cut up about being back. I tried to discuss the future last time we met up and he got snappy with me and told me I was being heavy.

 

Thing was while we were away I was told he'd like to have children with me and that he wants his future with me. All so confusing. I think he feels the trip is proof of his commitment....that he took such a big risk....but I can't help but feel nothing has changed and I'm back at square one with all the same hopes.

 

The general line is that I want everything immediately and that simply isn't possible in the short term....but in the long term he does want to be with me...that he wouldn't be in the relationship if he didn't want me. Trouble is I don't know how long I can cope waiting. I love him so much and I do want my future with him but I just don't understand his stance. There will never be a good time to leave and when I delve further get told that it is to do with family, finance, not wishing to crush his wife who he does love and care for (but I'm told in the way you love a friend/family, not in the emotional sense) but I need to believe in him.

 

Is there any hope here?

jthorne Established Member

jthorne

Posted
Posted

I would like to say more, but I'm really sick and am trying to answer PM's and such and get my work done before I go home. But I will say two things...

 

I hope your MM did read your posts here. I think the responses were pretty good. Why would you hide the feelings that you write here from him? I was once really paranoid someone was reading my posts here. Emails came at times that were just too coincidental. Then I tought about it, and you know what? If he was reading my posts, good!

 

Secondly, I really think you and MM need to have a heart-to-heart about what the word "future" means. To you, it obviously means exclusivity, possibly marriage and children. To him, it may mean keeping the status quo with him staying in his marriage and you remaining the OW.

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Golon Member

Golon

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Hi J Thorne.

 

Sorry to hear you are poorly. He did know my feelings as I was always telling him how I felt about things.....

 

We have discussed the future and he says in the long term he wants to be married with me and have children.....but then when I mention it he can be snappy....I'm confused. He says I go on about things.

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

Posted
Posted

I find that whenever I'm confused in a relationship, it's because actions aren't matching words. In other words, things aren't adding up. It is at that particular moment that I would've save myself a world of heartache if I had just walked away then.

 

You need to do what you know you should do, but don't want to - walk away from this man until he has the divorce papers in his hand. Stop having sex with him, stop seeing him and stop communicating with him. Stop wasting your time and energy and life on a MM. As I've said many times before, it's a highway to hell, a fast road to nowhere. Just remember, that HE has a life outside you but you don't have a life outside him. He sleeps next to another person every night - you don't. He shares a life with another person - you don't. Guess what happens when it all falls apart. He goes home to wifey and the kids and relatives and picks up his life where he left off. You end up spending two years getting over it and trying to pick up the pieces. Not to say that he doesn't care if this happens to you, he's just not thinking about it. If he were, he wouldn't put you in this position and he wouldn't make you the OW.

 

If he's serious about getting out of his marriage and being with you, then he should be willing to do what it takes and to wait until he can be with you in the right way. I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you, though.

Butterfly11 Member

Butterfly11

Posted
Posted
Hi,

 

The general line is that I want everything immediately and that simply isn't possible in the short term....but in the long term he does want to be with me...that he wouldn't be in the relationship if he didn't want me. Trouble is I don't know how long I can cope waiting. I love him so much and I do want my future with him but I just don't understand his stance. There will never be a good time to leave and when I delve further get told that it is to do with family, finance, not wishing to crush his wife who he does love and care for (but I'm told in the way you love a friend/family, not in the emotional sense) but I need to believe in him.

 

Is there any hope here?

 

It seems like you are doubting his intentions just because he isn't moving quickly enough.

 

I believe you have to do what is right for you and if he is tellling the truth, perhaps you need to let him go to see if he will come after you.

 

I almost let my MM go because the hurt of waiting and not knowing was too much to bear. He agreed that it was not fair for me to be put through the hurt. We were at the point of NC but the A was discovered by the BS so things happened rather quickly.

scatterd Established Member

scatterd

Posted
Posted

I am sorry you are hurting but I know the story all so well. I think your MM is

telling you what you need to here in order to keep the affair going.He is getting snappy because he really has no intention on leaving his wife.If he

wanted out he would do it now and if his wife found out it would be over but

he would come back fishing later.I am sure he is lieing to his wife because

he is a cake eater.Why would you want a man that lies and cheats someday

you would end up in his wife shoes if they cheat with you they will cheat on you.I am not trying to be mean but that seems to be seen allot here.He is

married and invested in his life but is bored and wants excitement on the side.

The best you can do is to go NC and move on the roller coaster ride wont stop.Get over him find a man that can give his whole self to you and love you

with out cheating you would never be able to trust him.Good Luck and big Hugs

BB07 Established Member

BB07

Posted
Posted

Golan......it's all about him, because he is selfish and he wants what he wants when he wants it. MM having affairs are selfish, that can not be disputed. They are selfish enough to try to have two relationship with two different women, and some of them think that's it within their rights to do so.

 

He doesn't like you pressuring him, doesn't like you putting him on the spot, because he wants to run the show.

 

So how do you feel.....you clearly aren't happy with the situation, so next question is what you are going to do about it?

 

If you are asking us if he is likely to do what he says....no the preponderance of evidence by reading here on LS is he WILL NOT! He will keep it going just the way he wants it and likes it as long as he can. This is EXACTLY what he is doing to you now, making you feel like you have no right to expect more of him, nor should you want more. When he feels you slipping away he reels you back in, with a few words.

 

Sure he may want and intend to leave at some point, but the question is......will he? It's not likely......it's as simple as that.

 

I know it hurts.......I surely do, but accept the truth.

In_Repair Established Member

In_Repair

Posted
Posted (edited)

Golon, good luck. Your situation is very much like mine was. She said the same stuff to me. Same actions too, right down to the second vacation just to make you feel better about the first one they took with their spouse.

 

Is he lying to you? Maybe, maybe not... obviously, only time will tell. My ex-MW has now left her husband and wants to get back together with me. Too late. The questions that you need to ask yourself are: 1.Do you really want to live the life of an OW while he takes his time deciding whether he actually loves you enough to follow through with all of the sweet talk and promises? and 2.Do you really want to be in his wife's shoes once he does?

Edited by In_Repair
.....
sadintexas Established Member

sadintexas

Posted
Posted

Have you asked him exactly how long he thinks it will take before he's ready to start a life with you? Is he currently working on an exit plan and getting his ducks in a row to leave (that you can verify) or is he just going "day to day"?

 

Taking you on a trip is not a sign of future commitment. It's a sign that he wants to keep what he has right now. The only real sign of a future commitment is him getting out of the M and moving forward with you. Anything else falls very short of that.

LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

Posted
Posted
I tried to discuss the future last time we met up and he got snappy with me and told me I was being heavy.

 

Its pretty clear that right now he wants an affair, not a divorce.

 

He may like the idea of marrying you and having children with you in theory but it is abundantly clear that he has no intention of putting that theory into practice. Of course, he could just be telling you that because he knows it will keep you compliant.

 

I've told people plenty of times what they wanted to hear, because telling the truth = ending the fun.

 

but in the long term he does want to be with me...that he wouldn't be in the relationship if he didn't want me.

 

Like I said, in theory he may like that idea but in practice? He won't even discuss it with you on a serious level. He clearly does want you, but that doesn't mean he wants a divorce.

lolalove Member

lolalove

Posted
Posted
I find that whenever I'm confused in a relationship, it's because actions aren't matching words. In other words, things aren't adding up. It is at that particular moment that I would've save myself a world of heartache if I had just walked away then.

 

.

 

 

VERY WISE WORDS. Actions must match words. Otherwise, heartache is a certainty. Walking away now would save you heartache. It might hurt for a little while, but that's nothing compared to what will come if you don't walk away now.

cavedweller Established Member

cavedweller

Posted
Posted

Golon,

 

He is just stringing you on......

 

Questions:

 

When is the right time for him to move out?---Now.

 

When is the right time for him to file for a divorce?---Now.

 

When is the right time for you and him to start building a future together?--Now.

 

my 2 cents

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
Posted

he wants the affair - and his wife at the same time.

 

accept this or leave him.

 

he wants you without you being a drag - making demands - expecting anything from him... he wants the sex and he wants YOU to be quiet.

 

is that enough for you? if it's not - then leave him.

norajane Established Member

norajane

Posted
Posted
Hi J Thorne.

 

Sorry to hear you are poorly. He did know my feelings as I was always telling him how I felt about things.....

 

We have discussed the future and he says in the long term he wants to be married with me and have children.....but then when I mention it he can be snappy....I'm confused. He says I go on about things.

 

That's because words like "want to" and "would like to" don't mean anything more than that. They aren't reality, they aren't actual action, they aren't steps taken.

 

For example, I'd like to be a size 4, independently wealthy, and a brilliant writer. However, I am a size 8, have to work for a living, and am a so-so writer. I want to fall in love and get married. However, I'm 42 and am having trouble meeting single, available men my age who are interesting to me and are interested in me.

 

Are those things I'd like to be and want to have possible? Maybe. But they aren't reality, and no matter how often I say them out loud, they aren't going to become a reality just by repeating them over and over. So if anyone were to take my likes and wants and believe that those are in my future for sure, they'd probably be misguided in their beliefs.

 

With your MM, his stated likes and wants are even less credible because he has done nothing - absolutely nothing - to get any closer to making them a reality. In fact, he is still hiding you from his wife. In fact, he doesn't even want to talk with you about doing anything to turn his words into a reality. In fact, he gets pissy if you even bring up the subject.

 

And that's no way for you to live. Do not continue to put your likes and wants for your life on hold for a MM who is content the way things are. Do not put your future into the hands of this MM and his wife. Do not bet your life on the marital decisions of a MM who hasn't even mentioned to his wife he is unhappy, and who has told you he loves her and, apparently, does love his wife and his life enough not to change a thing about it.

 

How old are you? If you really want a husband and children, don't waste any more time with this guy. The years fly by quickly and you don't get them back.

RedDevil66 Established Member

RedDevil66

Posted
Posted

Do you want to feel pain? Of course not, so get away from this pain.

He's read from the "cheating married loser handbook" saying "I wish I met you before I met my wife"

Classic!

Ugh........get someone that is ALL for you

piscis Established Member

piscis

Posted
Posted

Please walk

I know you really want to believe him.

If he is planning to get married to you and have children and a wonderful life together he has to get divorced first, please do not wait for that you can spend your entire life waiting

 

Unless he is doing clear things (not words ACTIONS) to get there words means nothing.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
Hi J Thorne.

 

Sorry to hear you are poorly. He did know my feelings as I was always telling him how I felt about things.....

 

We have discussed the future and he says in the long term he wants to be married with me and have children.....but then when I mention it he can be snappy....I'm confused. He says I go on about things.

 

Wanting and doing are two different things. As you said, he feels you are his soulmate, but he's already married. Sadly for you, he isn't going to leave, I don't believe so just from how he acts with you and hasn't made ANY movement to do anything to change (ie tell his wife and divorce). He wants an affair, that's the bottomline. If you want him, be the OW, understand your role and accept things as they are.. Or, end it and grieve, so you can find a guy who can offer you EVERYTHING not just bits and pieces.

jthorne Established Member

jthorne

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'm heavily medicated right now, so maybe I'm remembering wrong, but weren't you going to move to another town? Is that still a possibility?

 

If I'm remembering your situation correctly, I can't say anything has changed. You are still wanting more, and he is still getting mad at you for asking.

Edited by jthorne
TMI
Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

Posted
Posted

Hey, Golon -

 

I will be careful about revealing anything that may make you too recognizable from before, but all of that information is still very much important context for my own thoughts on your situation. It's unfortunate, because that background is pretty rich with pertinent information on your situation, but keeping your anonymity secure comes first, I agree.

 

So to those who find my comments to sound pretty harsh and negative, be assured that I'm working from the perspective of trying to ensure Golon's future sanity and emotional security...

 

One thing that will tell me much of what I need to know is: how long has it been since you last had contact with your MM? Have you talked in the last month or two, say? Or have you cut off communication and are now struggling through a "no contact" period?

 

jthorne: I was glad to see that you got your edit in before my post...

norajane Established Member

norajane

Posted
Posted
Is there any hope here?

 

I went back and read through your posts in your other thread. Honestly? No, there is no hope here. Not for you. Not with this guy. NONE. Get him out of your life as soon as possible and don't look back.

 

You will be so much better off without him. He is a LOSER, for so many reasons even beyond being a cheater. And you are just wasting your time waiting for him. Total waste of time. He's never leaving his wife.

joey66 Established Member

joey66

Posted
Posted
Hi,

 

Firstly I've already been posting on here under a different name but I have had to create a new identity. This is because the MM (I'm not 100% sure) went on my PC while I was away and I think via search history etc managed to find my post. I think (although not 100% sure of this either) he possibly even replied to my post as the points raised were very much akin to things he would say. I am now being much more careful and making sure I delete "history" on my PC and making sure I don't leave it open to being looked at.

 

If this really did happen, won't he know it's you if he reads this thread?

  • 2 weeks later...
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Golon Member

Golon

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I am sending this via my phone so excuse my typing errors- thank you so much for the responses. I will reply to each properly when I am on my computer. Once again I have been told he sees his future with me but in the short to medium term it is not possible. I do believe it is me he wants but I just don't get how he can not want to make this happen sooner rather than later. To my mind there is no such thing as a good time. I want everything at once and that is not going to happen. I have been told it is me he wants and loves and he said he does all he can to spend as much time as possible with me. Last night was interesting. I was meant to see him yesterday but he couldn't. We were texting and I told him I was disappointed as I had waited in all day. His response was that I don't see how difficult it is for him and that sometimes it is very hard to see me. We are both off work and I commented that I wish I had done more with the holiday. I said I've just sat about. He then got stroppy and said that he wishes he could sit about, he never gets time to relax, he has to be there for everyone and he doesn't get time to relax. I pointed out this was unfair as I've fitted in whenever he is free, done whatever he fancied doing. I just feel frustrated. I feel he complains unfairly. All I ever do is fit in and he thinks all I do it criticise him. I do love him very much and think I am very reasonable. I just don't know what to do any more.

bentnotbroken Established Member

bentnotbroken

Posted
Posted
I am sending this via my phone so excuse my typing errors- thank you so much for the responses. I will reply to each properly when I am on my computer. Once again I have been told he sees his future with me but in the short to medium term it is not possible. I do believe it is me he wants but I just don't get how he can not want to make this happen sooner rather than later. To my mind there is no such thing as a good time. I want everything at once and that is not going to happen. I have been told it is me he wants and loves and he said he does all he can to spend as much time as possible with me. Last night was interesting. I was meant to see him yesterday but he couldn't. We were texting and I told him I was disappointed as I had waited in all day. His response was that I don't see how difficult it is for him and that sometimes it is very hard to see me. We are both off work and I commented that I wish I had done more with the holiday. I said I've just sat about. He then got stroppy and said that he wishes he could sit about, he never gets time to relax, he has to be there for everyone and he doesn't get time to relax. I pointed out this was unfair as I've fitted in whenever he is free, done whatever he fancied doing. I just feel frustrated. I feel he complains unfairly. All I ever do is fit in and he thinks all I do it criticise him. I do love him very much and think I am very reasonable. I just don't know what to do any more.

 

 

Neither of your are reasonable. He for cheating and lying.... you for buying into it.

BB07 Established Member

BB07

Posted
Posted
I am sending this via my phone so excuse my typing errors- thank you so much for the responses. I will reply to each properly when I am on my computer. Once again I have been told he sees his future with me but in the short to medium term it is not possible. I do believe it is me he wants but I just don't get how he can not want to make this happen sooner rather than later. To my mind there is no such thing as a good time. I want everything at once and that is not going to happen. I have been told it is me he wants and loves and he said he does all he can to spend as much time as possible with me. Last night was interesting. I was meant to see him yesterday but he couldn't. We were texting and I told him I was disappointed as I had waited in all day. His response was that I don't see how difficult it is for him and that sometimes it is very hard to see me. We are both off work and I commented that I wish I had done more with the holiday. I said I've just sat about. He then got stroppy and said that he wishes he could sit about, he never gets time to relax, he has to be there for everyone and he doesn't get time to relax. I pointed out this was unfair as I've fitted in whenever he is free, done whatever he fancied doing. I just feel frustrated. I feel he complains unfairly. All I ever do is fit in and he thinks all I do it criticise him. I do love him very much and think I am very reasonable. I just don't know what to do any more.

 

Golon........didn't you read the prior responses? :confused:

 

People gave you great advice. It all boils down to you accepting the crumbs he offers you and realizing that words don't mean squat. ACTIONS are what counts! He can talk till the moon is blue about what he wants and what his intentions are, but until he actually does something it doesn't mean anything. All he is doing is talking......giving you excuses and talking about how difficult his life is and why he can't do anything different. (lets bring out the violins and play a sad song) Don't you see it?........it's BS! You are sitting around waiting on him, letting him call the shots, taking the crumbs he offers. It's all up to him, and you are giving him control.

 

Don't live your life waiting on dreams.......it's like falling off a cliff when you are forced to accept the REALITY and it hurts more and the fall is harder the longer you live in a dream world. Believe me I know.

In_Repair Established Member

In_Repair

Posted
Posted
I am sending this via my phone so excuse my typing errors- thank you so much for the responses. I will reply to each properly when I am on my computer. Once again I have been told he sees his future with me but in the short to medium term it is not possible. I do believe it is me he wants but I just don't get how he can not want to make this happen sooner rather than later. To my mind there is no such thing as a good time. I want everything at once and that is not going to happen. I have been told it is me he wants and loves and he said he does all he can to spend as much time as possible with me. Last night was interesting. I was meant to see him yesterday but he couldn't. We were texting and I told him I was disappointed as I had waited in all day. His response was that I don't see how difficult it is for him and that sometimes it is very hard to see me. We are both off work and I commented that I wish I had done more with the holiday. I said I've just sat about. He then got stroppy and said that he wishes he could sit about, he never gets time to relax, he has to be there for everyone and he doesn't get time to relax. I pointed out this was unfair as I've fitted in whenever he is free, done whatever he fancied doing. I just feel frustrated. I feel he complains unfairly. All I ever do is fit in and he thinks all I do it criticise him. I do love him very much and think I am very reasonable. I just don't know what to do any more.

 

He is trying to put the thought in your head that he is doing you a favor by making the effort to see you, and fitting you into his busy schedule. Classic. Walk away - now.

 

Next time he complains about it being so hard to make time... remind him that you could make it easier on him by going out and finding yourself a single man to date.

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