motogirl Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I would like to know how others deal with moodiness/quick tempers in a marriage. I want to handle this in the most productive way. First of all, I have a great marriage that I am very happy in. I know I'm lucky and I don't wish to make a mountain out of a molehill. I am not a moody person and am optimistic, pleasant like 99.9% of the time. It's a big deal to me. I choose to stay pleasant most times even when I'm not happy with something, even when my kids are hyper or backtalking, even when my in-laws are making little comments to put me down. I make it a point not to complain, etc. I rarely get mad...it takes something major to anger me. My philosophy is that life is too short to worry about most of it. My hubby is moody at times, quicker to complain and quicker tempered. He gets mad easily but, in his favor, he does get over it very quickly. I am also a little sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily...mostly just where he is concerned. Therefore, when he's moody and gets mad over something and makes a comment, I'm hurt. He isn't verbally abusive, doesn't call me names, yell or anything like that. Just makes comments that let me know he's very annoyed over some little situation that I usually have no control over. Then five minutes later he's back to his usual happy, sweet self and I'm still nursing hurt feelings over the comment. An example: We had ants in our kitchen. We had to spray several times and finally have it under control. Last night he wanted to make brownies and homemade frosting. He asked me if I would make the brownies while he whipped up the frosting. I starting pre-heating the oven and got out the brownie mix. He grabbed the cocoa, butter and powdered sugar. The powdered sugar had been opened, was still in the bag and closed with a twistie tie. When he poured powdered sugar out in the bowl, he noticed a couple of ants. He asked if we had any more powdered sugar and I said no. He did the loud sigh/huff thing and asked why I hadn't bought new powdered sugar the other day when we discussed making frosting before I went to the grocery store. I replied because I knew I had almost a full bag at home and I didn't realize ants had got in it. He then sighed again and said he thought I would have got new anyway because it has been over a year since I moved in he thought I'd had it since then. I replied that I actually bought the bag new at the beginning of the summer to make an icing for a cake. He threw his hands in the air exasperated and walked into the living room and sat down to watch tv. A couple of minutes later he was talking to me like normal again and laughing. However, my feelings were hurt because I thought he acted like it was all my fault. In my opinion, it's a little thing that really isn't anyone's fault...a minor annoyance that is not even worth mentioning. I wouldn't have acted that way. So, what is the best way to deal with these personality differences? I'm wondering if I'm better off to just ignore it and deal with my reaction to his moodiness and comments? Or to let him no how hurt I feel when he acts annoyed with me and makes the comments? We've been together for 13 months and really have a wonderful marriage and I want to keep it that way. Again, I know it's a small thing and others have far more serious issues in their marriages. I just want to learn the best way for me to deal with it. I'm interested in reading what all of you have done in similar situations. I'm assuming it's not uncommon for two people with different temperaments to fall in love and marry.
Shakz Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Well, IMO he was being a child. Ants, so what? It's his job to get rid of ants. It's your job to get powdered sugar. How can he be upset at you for doing your job. He dropped the ball, not you. A mature man would've said, "Damn, ants. Honey, we gotta get some D-con." Done. You guys need to clearly delineate your marital duties. Next time he gets pissed off, start laughing. The angrier he gets laugh all the more. Like a child he'll get the message.
kuma Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 My hubby is moody at times, quicker to complain and quicker tempered. He gets mad easily but, in his favor, he does get over it very quickly. I am also a little sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily...mostly just where he is concerned. Therefore, when he's moody and gets mad over something and makes a comment, I'm hurt. He isn't verbally abusive, doesn't call me names, yell or anything like that. Just makes comments that let me know he's very annoyed over some little situation that I usually have no control over. Then five minutes later he's back to his usual happy, sweet self and I'm still nursing hurt feelings over the comment. Communicate with him when he hurts your feelings. Talk to him nicely. He probably has no idea that it bothers you.
TLCbear Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 (edited) I agree with kuma, let him know that your feelings were hurt in the process, I'm pretty sure he has no clue he may have hurt your feelings. My SO is the same way. He's been approving alot though. My main thing with him is he tends to always cut me off when I'm talking. Sometimes I may be excited to tell him something and right in the middle, he cuts me off....all of a sudden, I get extremely quiet...upset, because I feel like what I say is not important to him. One day I was in tears about this and he asked what was wrong, I told him. He had not a clue I was hurt by this, nor did he realize he actually was cutting me off. I'm like how "How do you not know?" ... but then I have to realize men are soooo different than women, lol...their thinking is totally different. Speaking from someone who is moody and has a quick temper, the best way to deal with this is to give some space, a big hug, or kiss on the cheek. Always works for me. Or find (or do) something that will make him smile. When my boyfriend is upset or irritated, I always rub his facial hair right below his bottom lip, he smiles every single time, lol....after that, he's back to normal. Edited August 3, 2010 by TLCbear
finding_serenity Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 so like me... I'm pretty laid back but my hubs is so like yours. Plus he wants to always have the last say, and wants to make all decision and plans.im getting sick and tired of his tyranny. I'm at the point where I don't care at all.
florence of suburbia Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 He was just annoyed at a situation beyond his control and wanted to take it out on someone. He vented and felt better. You felt worse.
finding_serenity Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 right now,were not in good terms, he always want it his way and finally I said no because I don't agree with him.hes giving me cold treatment but ironically I feel much better now that I am not so stressed out, not in the tight situation,i felt free cause I do things my way and decide for myself more.hes gonna be gone for a week so I'm so happy! Yey! hey I'm not bad,i just feel like finally I was unchained!
TaraMaiden Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 "We teach people how to treat us". your 'euphoria' right now is due to the fact that you finally stood up to him. I'm non-confrontational, but I discovered that actually by silently complying with my partner's temper tantrums, what I was actually doing was passively agreeing with his behaviour, and he just threw his weight around more. Now, I call him out on it. I'm calm, unruffled and I refuse to be drawn into a loud argumentative slanging match, but I just answer back, and tell him in no uncertain terms he's being a jerk. Actually, what I also do is either get him a drink of water, or something to eat. We discovered that his erratic and sometimes verbally violent outbursts were down to dehydration coupled with wild sugar levels, because he's diabetic. Lack of enough water, and an irregular intake of foods was sending his blood sugar levels haywire. Since being diagnosed, and addressing this, his 'temper tantrums' have sunk to almost zero levels.... You might like to consider investigating that, but it's only an idea.....
finding_serenity Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 oh my hubs alcoholic.not a drunkard.just someone who can't live without 12 cans of coors lite everyday. He told me recently he's adhd when he was young and beer is that which calm him down. But he's still moody temperamental and impatient.i don't want to deal with it anymore and got sick and tired of arguing.once I get my drivers license and my certificate,he won't have any ammo on me!
finding_serenity Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I don't plan to divorce him but if his attitude will have bad effect on our son,then it's buhhhbyyyeeee...
TaraMaiden Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 You can't play half-way-house Mrs, here.... he has an alcohol dependency. he may not be an alcoholic, but he needs the fix. This is serious. Adhd is not calmed down by alcohol. It's a mental issue and needs medication, not sedation.... it's probably having a sedating effect, but it's only temporary. You take your son away from this, because otherwise you're teaching him the kind of behaviour which you will tolerate. You're teaching him that something, up to a point, is acceptable. This should be zero tolerance. Otherwise, you risk losing your son's respect. What will stop him treating any future partner in his life, in the same way your H treats you, if he sees you put up with it to a certain level?
Phateless Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I would like to know how others deal with moodiness/quick tempers in a marriage. I want to handle this in the most productive way. First of all, I have a great marriage that I am very happy in. I know I'm lucky and I don't wish to make a mountain out of a molehill. I am not a moody person and am optimistic, pleasant like 99.9% of the time. It's a big deal to me. I choose to stay pleasant most times even when I'm not happy with something, even when my kids are hyper or backtalking, even when my in-laws are making little comments to put me down. I make it a point not to complain, etc. I rarely get mad...it takes something major to anger me. My philosophy is that life is too short to worry about most of it. My hubby is moody at times, quicker to complain and quicker tempered. He gets mad easily but, in his favor, he does get over it very quickly. I am also a little sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily...mostly just where he is concerned. Therefore, when he's moody and gets mad over something and makes a comment, I'm hurt. He isn't verbally abusive, doesn't call me names, yell or anything like that. Just makes comments that let me know he's very annoyed over some little situation that I usually have no control over. Then five minutes later he's back to his usual happy, sweet self and I'm still nursing hurt feelings over the comment. An example: We had ants in our kitchen. We had to spray several times and finally have it under control. Last night he wanted to make brownies and homemade frosting. He asked me if I would make the brownies while he whipped up the frosting. I starting pre-heating the oven and got out the brownie mix. He grabbed the cocoa, butter and powdered sugar. The powdered sugar had been opened, was still in the bag and closed with a twistie tie. When he poured powdered sugar out in the bowl, he noticed a couple of ants. He asked if we had any more powdered sugar and I said no. He did the loud sigh/huff thing and asked why I hadn't bought new powdered sugar the other day when we discussed making frosting before I went to the grocery store. I replied because I knew I had almost a full bag at home and I didn't realize ants had got in it. He then sighed again and said he thought I would have got new anyway because it has been over a year since I moved in he thought I'd had it since then. I replied that I actually bought the bag new at the beginning of the summer to make an icing for a cake. He threw his hands in the air exasperated and walked into the living room and sat down to watch tv. A couple of minutes later he was talking to me like normal again and laughing. However, my feelings were hurt because I thought he acted like it was all my fault. In my opinion, it's a little thing that really isn't anyone's fault...a minor annoyance that is not even worth mentioning. I wouldn't have acted that way. So, what is the best way to deal with these personality differences? I'm wondering if I'm better off to just ignore it and deal with my reaction to his moodiness and comments? Or to let him no how hurt I feel when he acts annoyed with me and makes the comments? We've been together for 13 months and really have a wonderful marriage and I want to keep it that way. Again, I know it's a small thing and others have far more serious issues in their marriages. I just want to learn the best way for me to deal with it. I'm interested in reading what all of you have done in similar situations. I'm assuming it's not uncommon for two people with different temperaments to fall in love and marry. Jeez, your H sounds just like my gf. What a pita... I get so sick and tired of this behavior. I try to call her out and say "was that comment really necessary?" but we usually end up arguing if I do that. Ugh.
carhill Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 OP, my take is he processed his feelings and you neglected to process your own. Also, he needs to own how he directs those feelings. The ants were in the sugar and the feelings were apparently directed at you. Me, I woulda put those ants and sugar in a pan, fired up the stove, and we'd have had fire ants . Why should one's spouse bear the brunt of such issues? 'Honey, I understand you're frustrated but your outbursts at me are unacceptable. I feel attacked for something I have no control over. Let's put some pesticide on the shopping list so this won't happen again'.
finding_serenity Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 at tara_maiden.... Oh I know and it's really disturbing me a lot.he would raise his voice and yell at our baby when he's crying.wouldnt try to soothe him first or find out why he's crying.i just need to get my drivers license and my cna certificate,me and my baby will be outta here
breakingbad Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I don't plan to divorce him but if his attitude will have bad effect on our son,then it's buhhhbyyyeeee... My husband has a quick temper and control issues.... and my 13 yr old girl has a quick temper and attitude problems big time. One time when she was 7 or so she was crying for a toy or something that was packed in the junk room , but I had just got home from work and was tired and didn't feel like digging my way to it at that time, when my husband got tired of her crying and took his belt off and lashed my back and butt with it about 5 times as she watched, because I wouldn't get it for her right then. .....do the kids learn this?....2 days ago my 13 year old was in a bad mood, and as the eve went on, she was half mad yet kind of playing(I think) and she yelled "bug" and sprayed my back with the dogs flea spray, then *playing*I grabbed the carpet foam and yelled "dirty" and sprayed the back of her shirt.....was a new school shirt and that made her mad....she was on me like flies on you know what and had her hands around my neck in a stranglehold so hard my eyes were filling with pressure....she was in a rage and hubby got on her butt about it and she let me go.....yes, I think it gets handed down to the kids one way or another.
D-Lish Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 My hubby is moody at times, quicker to complain and quicker tempered. He gets mad easily but, in his favor, he does get over it very quickly. Because he vents, and that's a healthy response. It's not like he whipped the sugar across the kitchen. Ants in my food would probably turn me off too. Not a ridiculous response.
florence of suburbia Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Yeah, but it isn't her fault there are ants in the sugar. Sh*t happens. When he started blaming her for it, she should have laughed and said she was going to watch TV until he was done being a princess.
finding_serenity Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I agree with you florence.when my hubs is acting like prima dona, I just turn my back and close my ears on his nag nag nagnag....
finding_serenity Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 breakingbad he doesn't hurt me physically, used to ridicule and call me dumb but now he stopped cause I told him so.his daughter has a bad temper like him too. We have a cat that doesn't like to be petted and cuddled a lot but my hubs and his daughter would try and try to pet her.she would bite and scratch them.my husband would hit the cat so his daughter do the same.i talk to my baby in my native tongue.my husband don't know my language and as early as now teach my son it's not right to pet the cat a lot if it doesn't want to ne bothered cause if it bites him,it is his fault cause it's animal and he is human with mind.also teach my son not to raise his voice or yell back at his parents.
finding_serenity Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 my hubs is giving me cold treatment but he's the one having harder time.he ayed this game with me for a long time and I aint buying his ***** no more.ive my baby who is the joy of my life.btw,he said we can't afford to send me to school cause we don't have money for my tuition fee but I've savings and I'll go enrol myself.he can be all miserable all his life for all I fu(k!n care. Hehehehehe
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