why does he keep bailing on plans???

[teaforone]

This might be a little long, but i could really use some advice on this one.

 

About a week before my ex boyfriend dumped me i started talking to this guy i went to school with in middle school/ high school on facebook. We had never talked to each other in school, and i hadn't seen him until now 5 years later. We'll i had left him a comment on a status update he did and he started iming me and we talked for about an hour or so before he had to go to bed, but said we should talk again and i agreed. Thing is, i was still dating my ex at the time and thought it to be a little strange and figured i shouldn't be talking to him while i'm with someone else so i backed off for a week.

 

After my ex broke up with me, i finally at some point started talking to him again via IM. Usually it was just once or twice a week for a few weeks, then it progressed into him giving his number to me so i gave him mine.

 

We started texting each other every single day, 95% of the time he was the one that started the texting. Usually texting once or twice throughout the day, sometimes pretty lengthy texting convos. It got to the point where we decided we needed to hang out but because our work schedules are so different this quickly became very hard. He was usually the one to constantly ask me to do something with him, and it took awhile but we finally hung out together with a few of his friends. (one i knew from school)

We played ping pong, uno, and various other things and just hung out together and had a really good time even though we were both pretty quiet around each other.

 

After i got home he texted me and told me how he enjoyed himself and we needed to do this again. The next time we were supposed to hang out i ended up getting sick so i had to cancel on him, but he checked on me to see how i was doing later.

 

Over the weeks we continued talking every single day, bringing up plans to hang out but they just never worked out. Though the plans talked about in the last couple of weeks have left me a little confused about him. He'll say he wants to do something, or i'll say i want to do something then comes time for it to actually happen and he'll make up some silly excuse as to why he can't make it. One of the excuses was pretty legit, the others not so much. They were mostly him either getting too busy and not realizing how late it was, or his friend wanted to play ping pong since he just got back.

 

Regardless of all these silly excuses of his we continued talking every day. A few weeks ago he told me that he kind've liked me and would very much would enjoy spending more time with me, and i had told him i felt the same way. But again, the weird bailing of plans. I don't understand why hes the one initiating the plans with me and then bailing.

 

Is he getting cold feet about hanging out? Is he nervous? I don't really get why he'd continued talking every day, and making plans if hes just going to bail.

 

Then, i've noticed within the last week or so our texting has been a bit off. Like he used to text me several times throughout the day, (sometimes i'd start the conversations first) but lately they've been a bit lackluster as in he isn't talking as much as he used to. He's talking to me everyday, just not as much. Is it just getting too comfortable with our situation or possibly losing interest?

 

As a side note, he'd tell me how much he enjoyed talking to me or we'd talk about ex boyfriends and girlfriends. Or, if he had a bad day he'd want to talk to me to make him feel better. If not that he'd compliment me some, saying how pretty i was and how he can't understand why i don't have a boyfriend,etc...

 

I'm just not really sure what to make of all this, hopefully some of you will be able to.

 

Thanks!

[USMCHokie]

First, I'll give you what I think he's thinking if I were in his shoes. It seems like he is making all of the effort in talking to you. Why don't you ever initiate conversation with him? If this was going on for several weeks or months or however long it is, I would honestly get frustrated that I always had to contact you and infer that you just weren't all that interested. Personally, you wouldn't get more than a week or two from me...

 

He may be getting comfortable stringing you along like this, or like I just described, he's just losing interest and perhaps has another girl he has recently started seeing. Either way, you're passiveness this whole time has allowed him to take complete control of the situation. And every time he flakes, you allow it...

 

Flake once, sound the alarms...flake twice, LAUNCH...I expect that if a girl has scheduled to go on a date with me that she'd place it at a reasonable priority...not to cancel because she wants to play ping pong with a friend (?!?!?! :laugh:)...

 

If you don't have much invested in this guy, I'd say just LAUNCH his ass now...but if you're interested in more, then you should ask HIM out...and then if he flakes, then he obviously is either extremely inconsiderate (and just a crappy person) or isn't interested...either way you can safely LAUNCH.

[teaforone]

First, I'll give you what I think he's thinking if I were in his shoes. It seems like he is making all of the effort in talking to you.

Actually, i have initiated conversation with him several times and, i've also asked him to hang out on numerous occasions as has he.

 

Either way, you're passiveness this whole time has allowed him to take complete control of the situation. And every time he flakes, you allow it...

What am i supposed to say to him about his flakiness? I mean i like him but this is getting ridiculous, plus i was never good at confrontations.

[USMCHokie]

Actually, i have initiated conversation with him several times and, i've also asked him to hang out on numerous occasions as has he.

 

Oh, ok. I saw the 95% number and assumed that he did most of the work.

 

 

What am i supposed to say to him about his flakiness? I mean i like him but this is getting ridiculous, plus i was never good at confrontations.

 

Communication doesn't have to mean confrontation...

 

Flakiness generally reflects two things: (1) Rudeness and general lack of consideration for others...this is a personality trait of his that you will always have to deal with if you date him; and/or (2) He's just not all that interested and doesn't keep you at a high priority in his life.

 

Either way, it's not a good thing. That's why flakiness is such a dealbreaker for many people that don't have time or patience for bullsh*t. So you ask what you're supposed to say to him...? Read the title of your thread out loud to him. Simple. Effective.

[teaforone]

So you ask what you're supposed to say to him...? Read the title of your thread out loud to him. Simple. Effective.

haha, thanks!

[Serenitynow]

I've had the same situation. She has a kid, so she doesnt always have free time. She would set up plans with me, then cancel. Over and over.

 

Its not like I'm making plans and shes canceling as a nice way to say not interested.

 

She even calls me the day before to verify, than the day of she cancels.

 

I never understood it, so I know how you feel, it doesnt make any sense.

 

.

[teaforone]

I've had the same situation. She has a kid, so she doesnt always have free time. She would set up plans with me, then cancel. Over and over.

 

I never understood it, so I know how you feel, it doesnt make any sense.

 

.

Did you ever talk to her about it?

[AverageJoe]

teaforone, back up, punt, and kick him through the uprights.

 

Based on what you posted he is a wishy washy guy and if you develop something with him, odds are you will not be happy in the long haul. Unless you like doormats.

[Serenitynow]

Did you ever talk to her about it?

 

I lost interest, and never bothered to ask.

[dispatch3d]

Got sick eh? Didnt manage to get together much at the start... My flakedar is on high alert here and he is acting similar to me when chicks give me the run around. It sounds like you played too many games at the start so he has started putting you lower priority. Call him on his ****, STOP playing games yourself - yeah I am sure you are/were - make real plans and plan to stick to them.

[dispatch3d]

I can seriously tell from your languaging that this is DEFINITELY 2 way flaking.

[teaforone]

I can seriously tell from your languaging that this is DEFINITELY 2 way flaking.

How is it two way flaking?

[teaforone]

Got sick eh? It sounds like you played too many games at the start so he has started putting you lower priority. Call him on his ****, STOP playing games yourself - yeah I am sure you are/were - make real plans and plan to stick to them.

 

I actually was sick, i threw up and hadn't really felt too great all day that day. And i admit it does sound like i was flaking a lot too, but i don't have a car to drive over to his house which is coincidentally 5 minutes away, and due to work schedules and my being afraid to sneak out of the house.

[dispatch3d]

I actually was sick, i threw up and hadn't really felt too great all day that day. And i admit it does sound like i was flaking a lot too, but i don't have a car to drive over to his house which is coincidentally 5 minutes away, and due to work schedules and my being afraid to sneak out of the house.

 

lol so is this suppose to convince me you arent flaking or that your reasons for flaking (no car, etc) are better than his?

[teaforone]

lol so is this suppose to convince me you arent flaking or that your reasons for flaking (no car, etc) are better than his?

It's supposed to convince you that i wasn't flaking then, but that my reasons for bailing are no better than his either. I just didn't like the idea of having to sneak out of my parents house to see him, plus i usually had to work when he asked me to do something but i may just end up having to sneak out all the time. And i'm sure all of this sounds just like another excuse to you but its not, my parents are really strict even at my age of 23. I don't even really know why i agree to come home so early.

[dispatch3d]

It's supposed to convince you that i wasn't flaking then, but that my reasons for bailing are no better than his either. I just didn't like the idea of having to sneak out of my parents house to see him, plus i usually had to work when he asked me to do something but i may just end up having to sneak out all the time. And i'm sure all of this sounds just like another excuse to you but its not, my parents are really strict even at my age of 23. I don't even really know why i agree to come home so early.

 

Move the **** out of your house. Jesus you are 23. My parents have almost no bearing on what I do ever.

 

Yes it sounds like one giant excuse to me. That you were avoiding telling anyone. It's also going to look like one giant excuse to him. Even if it isn't, If you are hard to get ahold of/annoying to get ahold of it's not a good quality. He isn't going to want to date someone whose never around (you wouldn't want to either!). And you aren't doing the friends with benefits thing it sounds like. It looks like your flakiness is resulting in him doing the same thing back to you. Two people who are flaky just aren't going to hang out very often. Whether you like him or not.

 

If I ask a girl out 5 times, even if 4/5 of those excuses are good+very believable+I believe her what the hell is the difference? At the end of the day she's a pile of work to even get out on a 1-on-1 sitting. I don't have the time and energy to be wasting on this ****. He probably feels the same.

[teaforone]

If I ask a girl out 5 times, even if 4/5 of those excuses are good+very believable+I believe her what the hell is the difference? At the end of the day she's a pile of work to even get out on a 1-on-1 sitting. I don't have the time and energy to be wasting on this ****. He probably feels the same.

How can i fix things then other than apologizing?

[dispatch3d]

How can i fix things then other than apologizing?

 

I really don't like apologizing for this very reason. You can't flake, then apologize, and expect to be back to where you started. You ARENT. You are worse off. If flaking loses you 5 points, apologizing might gain you back 2. Ie. The flake hurts a lot more than the apologize feels good. The flake is a nuisance/pain, the apology is a yeah whatever.

 

The short answer is it may be hard to fix things. You have to stop making him an option. If you make a date with him, you can't change it for any reason. Like you better have a freaking doctors note next time .

 

Assuming you fix your end, you can temporarily fix his end by getting pissed at him. Here's is how I look at this. Right now, the path you are on is going to lead you down to hardly seeing him ever. If you keep on this path, it's going to go there. It's the logical place to end up. So you need to do something drastic to **** up the path. The reason is, if you ****up the path you can't possibly end up on a worse path. Nothing is worse than each of you constantly flaking on each other! So if you can't figure out an excellent subtle way to change things, chose the not subtle in-your-face drastic way.

 

You need to face your parents. Leave the house and don't tell them why when you go on the date. You aren't sneeking. You live there. You don't owe them any explanations etc. The best way will be to move out.

 

Just to reiterate, you have to stop flaking ever. No more flaking at all for any reason I don't care how good it is. If you get pissed at him for flaking, you'll look like a retard if you flake yourself. The best way to have fixed this problem was at the start. Maybe flake twice at the start, but don't do it anymore......