Using Child to 'hook' a MP?

[wheelwright]

Empathy for the pain of others is the only true way to heal, IMO.

 

Taking ourselves out of our subjective, and often painful needs and clearly putting outselves in the shoes of another is the only way to gain wisdom and understanding.

 

We can operate on the "it is all about us" principle, or we can try to understand the plights, motivations and actions of others.

 

And THAT is healing, as I think you would agree.

 

Oh yes. I think this is exactly where we do agree, even if there are holes elsewhere...

[NoIDidn't]

I can't call this a ONS. They knew each other and attraction had been building for a while. ONS to me are situations where its two relative strangers that hook up for sex for one night. They might not even know each other's names. And they definitely don't have phone numbers to call back and ask for help with a child.

 

Regarding the OW's motives. I can't say I see it entirely as manipulative. It sounds like it was offered by the MM to be a male figure in the child's life considering he was already sleeping with the Mom. From where I sit, it seems like they already knew they were going to see more of each other, so why not help out with the kid too.

 

Can't say I agree with the subjective way the OP presented it.

[Ellin]

Using a child as a bait in a way suggestes in the OP would obviously be wrong and manipulative, but it is unlikely that it would work so easily after a ONS.

 

From the info in the OP it is not clear to me at all that this is what happened.

 

It might as well be the case when the pair in question do have some emotional bond and the woman genuinely asked for help, without ulterior motives, especially since the man has a good deal of experience with problems the child is having.

[White Flower]

Excellent post TOWinNYC.

Spark, is this a hypothetical question or something that you know happened IRL?

 

I kinda paused when I read the part that said it was a "one night stand" because if it was PURELY a ONS (ie. sex only) it wouldn't have lead to anything more. No matter what.

 

I feel like there must have been something more than just a purely physical connection between the two if the MM was so willing to "help out" with the OW's son.

 

To answer your question - do I see "using the son" excuse as manipulative? Yes. But like I said in my title, you can't hook someone who doesn't want to be caught.

 

So I feel like the MM must also want to be there in the A and when the smallest opening was given ("please help me with my son") he jumped on it.

Your title did not come with the quote so I'll state it here:

 

You can't hook someone who doesn't want to be caught

 

And I will agree Spark that it WOULD be manipulative IF the OW was purely a ONS AND was looking to trap a wealthy MM, etc., but my guess is that feelings were already involved and the OW genuinely saw your H as a good potention father figure.

 

We're all manipulative, let's face it. If I want a promotion I go into heavy overload of projects at work. If I want a better deal on the construction on my house I might bat my eye lashes at the contractor. If I want my daughter to mop the floor I will set the example and sweep it first. All good acts involving manipulation.

 

But when we put a label such as 'manipulative' on a person we demean their existence. It is as if, since we believe they're just manipulative, we can wipe away their humanity and demoralize their character at the same time. Yes she was involved with your H, yes she wanted him for herself. But guess what? YOU are involved with your H and YOU want him for YOURSELF as well! So, you're not much different from each other. When you can finally put all the blame on him, the one who took vows with you, you won't have to focus the blame on her, the one who never promised you anything ever in her life.

 

Veering off and pointing the finger at her takes the focus off healing your M. Deal with the one who broke his vows to you.

 

I know you're on a journey to understand what happened to you so I get it. But it seems you often want to put the blame on her for luring him away and it just doesn't gel with me in light of all his willing participation. He was a jerk, and almost let you go. But put the focus on the jerk because no matter who else comes into his life in the future, it will be HIS decision whether to get involved in any other woman's manipulations or happenstance.

Edited August 8, 2010 by White Flower

[White Flower]

I agree BB. No one is truly an innocent here.

 

Just can't get past the "helping the child" ploy.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, BUT, most single moms I know wait, wait, wait in a relationship before EVER introducing a man they are dating to their child.

 

They do NOT want the child to form attachments, especially to a MM???? unless the relationship has the potential to be serious and long term.

 

At least, that is what I thought good, ethical and devoted mothers did, regardless of who they may choose to sleep with.

I wholeheartedly agree here.

 

I have known MM for 5 years and have never arranged for him to meet my kids. My eldest daughter DID come home early one day to find him replacing the brakes on my car but I had already confided in her about him after she had done some snooping and I wouldn't lie to her.

 

I'm so glad we weren't in bed.

 

But since he didn't make a commitment to be with me, I could not introduce him to my kids. If my heart was going to break, why drag that kind of heartache into their lives? I understand others who do it, especially if MM spends a significant amount of time with the OW in her home but not in my case, not if I could avoid it.

 

PS

I would LOVE to introduce MM to them. I wanted SO much for him to be a part of their lives, set examples of the hard work ethic, of being silly, and being in love with their mother. But I just won't bring a non-committed man around my kids.

Edited August 8, 2010 by White Flower
adding a PS

[BB07]

Sadly I did introduce xmm to my daughters, cause I didn't know he was still very much MARRIED. Yuck!

My oldest daughter, (not the one with special needs,) would like to personally rid him of a appendage or two for hurting her mom.

[White Flower]

Sadly I did introduce xmm to my daughters, cause I didn't know he was still very much MARRIED. Yuck!

My oldest daughter, (not the one with special needs,) would like to personally rid him of a appendage or two for hurting her mom.

There are so many ways to view this but first, do you regret introducing him to them?

 

Then I'd like to ask in about 2 years.

 

The good thing is you now know the lengths your daughter will go to protect her mama! Sweet.

[GreenEyedLady]

My H is waaaaaay too much of a gentlemen to ever bad moouth his OW to me or anyone else.

 

I wouldn't respect any attempt to disavow his actions or deflect the blame onto anyone else. Neither would he.

 

Spark, with all due respect, I bet you thought he was too much of a gentleman to cheat on you.

 

And he did.

 

See him for who he really is and what he has done.

 

And read my previous post when you're ready to.

 

GEL

[White Flower]

Spark, with all due respect, I bet you thought he was too much of a gentleman to cheat on you.

 

And he did.

 

See him for who he really is and what he has done.

 

And read my previous post when you're ready to.

 

GEL

As I said, when you put all of the blame on him then you can deal with it. Blaming her, the outside party, just prolongs or puts off the healing process.

[BB07]

There are so many ways to view this but first, do you regret introducing him to them?

 

Then I'd like to ask in about 2 years.

 

The good thing is you now know the lengths your daughter will go to protect her mama! Sweet.

 

I would not regret it............IF he had not caused pain to my daughter, but he did, because he hurt me.

 

It is sweet love......although I've have wished that I didn't/hadn't burdened her with my problems, but she knows me so well that I could not hide nor lie about them to her.