EthanH Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 ok, I just want a female perspective on this, hopefully from someone who has been in the position of my ex... She broke up with me in Feb. We got 'back' a few times between Feb and May, it was only a few days, mostly just for sex. Then in May, I contacted her to wish her good luck with her exams, after a tip off from some of her friends that she was really struggling and it would help her a lot. She instigated us meeting up, and we started 'something', we were pretty clear that we both liked each other and were still ridiculously passionate towards each other, and we also had a real closeness that came from being really good friends originally before we started dating. For the whole of June she phoned me after her work (we are college students but she is working a summer job), it wasn't just a series of 'booty calls', the fact that it was always after her work came from the fact that she tried to do something which she couldn't do when we originally dated: to not want to spend every minute I was free with me, she spent time with friends when she had spare time in the day. She told friends we were essentially back together, but didn't want anything too serious/stressful over the summer, as it would be difficult to see each other. Then she went away on 1st July to do a 3 week summer job in another part of the country. Phoned me every night and told me she missed me etc. Commonly, she would phone, then get in a mood, and hang up on me, and then phone me back, and most of the time, when she phoned it was late, like 1 or 2am. Then 2 weeks ago, she said out of the blue that she wasn't sure she wanted to be with someone she wasn't sure she liked enough, and needed to think. A friend met her and told me she claimed that her reasoning for contacting me since may was to continue our friendship, something which I really cannot accept, it was never ever just about being friends. I finally decided it was time to stop pathetically waiting around for her, and wrote her an email last week which said that she knew i liked her,but that she needed to have more respect for me, if she wanted to get back with me, she knew where I was, but until then, I asked her to leave me alone. So based on my 'story', can you explain if you have been in a similar position, have you done the whole 'trying to be friends' line, when in fact, it was just an excuse for your confusion?
Ronni_W Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Ethan, I agree with you that the whole "did it to protect/save the friendship" is the lamest of lame excuses. It's not even logical cos it doesn't sound like there was any friction back in May that might have put the 'relationship' in jeopardy. My guess is that she KNOWS that she's been treating you piss-poorly, and felt the need to make-up something that sounded a bit prettier than, "Oh, I've just been screwing with him this whole time cos I don't really care about him or his feelings, needs or desires." To me, I'd be surprised if she is actually "confused" -- I think she's doing a good job of acting it, though. It would be better/nicer if the whole "trying to be friends"-thing was just her excuse for being confused...but my gut is that it's her excuse for treating you badly. It sucks. Sorry that you're going through this.
Author EthanH Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 thanks for your reply. I really do think she is confused. It is the whole 'final decision' thing she seems to have an issue with, which is weird because I have never said i wanted that from her...i don't want to get married to her, i just want her to be open with me and everyone else about how she feels. It is clear to everyone that she still likes me, she blames me for 'tricking' her for getting back with me, she talks about it being 'annoying' that i still like her, and even told me in the last week that we spoke that she resented the fact i hadn't given her space - something i found totally laughable considering a) we had no contact for a couple of months at a time, something which she seems to have totally erased from her memory, and b) she was the one contacting me EVERY day for 2 months! I think I phoned her like once in that time and she even had the cheek to say it was nice i had contacted her for once. But I think most people agree that me backing off was the right thing to do. I think that is what it comes down to, she isn't a horrible person, it just comes down to the fact that she blamed me for her actions. It is my fault that she couldn't think clearly about me as I never pushed her away. It was my fault she was confused as I always left the door open. And yet, I wasn't going to play games, I wanted to be with her, so why would i suggest the opposite. I just really like this girl, I'm not naive to the way she has treated me, but I still see us being really happy, IF she sorts her head out. But I know in order for her to do that, she needs to do it herself. What you think? Any advice/insight is really appreciated as I have no idea what to think. Also, she is away for a cruise with her mother for the next week, something I know from when she went last year which is very very quiet, she spends most of her time sitting around on deck, reading books and basically thinking, something which she has always tried to avoid since we broke up and by her own admission, she had tried to go out, keep busy, and generally not deal with any of it... so i know she will be thinking about things, who knows what conclusions she will come to, if any...
Ronni_W Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 (edited) Ethan, Your challenge is that she is a nice person BUT her tendency is to blame others and see herself as their victim instead of taking responsibility and holding herself accountable for all the consequences of her own attitudes, words, thoughts and actions. It's the stuff after the "but" that makes it extremely difficult and frustrating to get a consistent, positive 'relationship rhythm' going; it gets freaking exhausting and depleting sometimes. Just cos blamers/victims can also be nice people doesn't make it any easier to have an emotionally honest and intimate relationship with them. IME, you can give her all the space she asks for and/or thinks she needs, but until she is willing to claim this part of herself, you are (or someone else is) always going to be put in the role of scapegoat. That is, until she gives up being a blamer/victim and starts taking personal responsibility. It's not just to "sort her head out", but to realize and admit to herself, "The way I've been doing it really sucks for the people who are trying to love me; I've been blaming them and making them responsible for my stuff, and causing them pain in the process." It's a difficult statement to make about one's Self, and blamers/victims find it even harder to see themselves in that light. The prob is that you're powerless to "help" her see how she's sabotaging her relationships and hurting the people who are trying to love her. As you say, that will (or will not) come according to her own growth/development schedule. All you can do is be willing to accept the relationship that she's actually capable of giving you right now -- which means that you'll ALSO be subjected to some pretty low-quality interactions and treatment. (It would be a good idea to try to keep in mind that it's still the best she has to offer right now.) So basically, two options: (1) a piss-poor relationship with her, where you sometimes do get blamed and mistreated, or (2) no relationship at all. And once you choose, it behooves you to shut the eff up and stop bitching about YOUR OWN choice that you made consciously and with free will. Right? It's tough, though -- my mom is a blamer/victim -- it's painful and frustrating and exhausting and crazy-making! So, WE really gotta be clear when we make our conscious, free will decisions about wanting/trying to be in relationship people who tend to blame/see themselves as victims. Best of luck. Edited August 2, 2010 by Ronni_W
Author EthanH Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 thanks for your advice... any other girls been in a seemingly similar mindset to my ex?
Sophia8 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Well my message got lost as I went to post it because the site timed out on me, so I’m trying to remember what I wrote. I have not been in the same position as your ex and reading about her behaviour has even confused me slightly, so I can imagine how you must be feeling. I agree with a lot of what Ronnie_W has already said. From what I have read I think that she knows exactly what she is doing and that she is hurting you, as for whether that is her intentions no one knows but her, and it sounds as though she is definitely confused. Being confused though does not excuse how she has treated you, if she was not sure in the first place then she should have made you aware of this, just like she should have made you aware that she only wanted to be friends from the beginning. I think that you did the right thing by sending her the email, as it gives her the time to “sort out her head”, as mentioned above, plus it gives you the time to think things through. Often in these kinds of situations, where strong emotions are involved, people make quick decisions and sometimes make things worse. If she does contact you, once she has “thought things through”, ask yourself “is it worth the risk, when I do not know that things will be any different this time around?”
Beeotch Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Unless someone had cheated on you or otherwise treated you horribly, most times when you breakup, you do want to maintain a friendship with this person whom you've shared your life with. However, it is very difficult to immediately go from being a couple to being friends. Which is why you need that period of NC and time where you are not friends before you can be friends.... I am friends with my ex before this...but it took us not speaking for a year plus before we became friends. I completely got over him so now we're cool. He lives somewhere else but we email each other every couple weeks and talk normally. With my current ex...we're not at that point. At one point I did want us to be friends and be cool with each other...but now is NOT the time. So yea....the friendship thing is most likely true except when you try to hang out and stuff THAT is what becomes confusing as you start relating as more than friends (sex etc). So it is better to truly allow that period of separation. If it is meant to be romantically, it will come together later on and if it is meant to be friendship wise, it will also come together later on when there are no mixed emotions.
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