BlackLovely Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I have this friend who loves to make plans and then bail on them without telling me. Today, we were supposed to hang out at 5PM. I called her and she wasn't in, nor did she call to cancel. I left a voicemail about respecting people's time. Other than this annoying characteristic, she is amazingly sweet and kind. Maybe I should simply accept that this is her personality. What do you think?
Sophia8 Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I think that it really depends on the situation and the people involved, a lot of people may say walk away from the friendship but I know that sometimes it is not as easy as that. You need to think about what is best for you, if you find it difficult being in this type of friendship then walk away but if you think that you are the type of person that can cope with it then try and work something out. Either way I think that you need to talk to this friend about it and try and she why she does what she does. I have a close friend that does this to everyone, she's explained to me what she thinks the reasons are for her behaviour and I've accepted her for this. At the same time I make it work for me, when we make plans I either make plans with other people at the same time or I continue with the things that I need to do and she fits herself into that... that works for us but may not for anyone else.
vintagecat Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Talk to your friend about this. Tell her that you find it upsetting and inconsiderate. See if you can come to some sort of understanding or solution. For example: If she's a flake that forgets her dates/appointments, call and remind her prior to the time such as the morning of or day before or have her call you to cancel (the least she could do) if something comes up rather than leave you hanging. If the relationship is too new or not strong/deep enough to withstand such a conversation, I'd only make plans with her that involve other people because she really is more of an acquaintance than a friend at this point and if she fails to show up, no big deal. If you are a "particular" friend and can't reach resolution and it appears that she's ditching you for something "better" or "more important", you will have to decide whether you are willing to put up with that behavior in a friend or not. If you weren't bothered or upset somewhat about being left in the lurch repeatedly or perhaps being a Plan B sort of friend (someone to hang out with if something better hasn't come along) to this woman you would probably not have posted the issue to Love Shack. IOW, does the "bailing" without notice make you feel bad about yourself or angry at her? How often does this happen and what are the circumstances? All questions that weigh in the balance as to whether you continue to make plans with her or not. Probably no reason to "end" the friendship per se if you decide that you've had enough of it, just don't rely on her for companionship.
blueyedgrl85 Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Did you have definite plans (ie: "Let's meet at X place at 5pm.") or was it more of a promise to call you around 5 to do something? Either way it's still rude because she is being careless with your feelings and isn't being very dependable. Like others have said, if you feel comfortable talking with her about this, then do so. If she isn't a close friend, it might be wise to make plans with her but also have a back-up plan in case she fails to follow through. (She couldn't meet up, but no worries- you already have plans with another friend or you're going shopping, etc.)
EHS Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I had a couple of these friends quite a few years ago, and I ended up terminating the friendships. These people have no respect for themselves. She may have great qualities - so did my friends - but their chronic unreliability obliterated those qualities. I am not telling you what to do, of course, just giving you my insights. If you have a heartfelt conversation with your friend about all of this and the behavior persists, you will have to determine how to cope with the behavior if you want your friendship to continue. I don't know why some people are like this, and never learn. They go through life cycling through friends because of their unreliability.
Author BlackLovely Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 Talk to your friend about this. Tell her that you find it upsetting and inconsiderate. See if you can come to some sort of understanding or solution. For example: If she's a flake that forgets her dates/appointments, call and remind her prior to the time such as the morning of or day before or have her call you to cancel (the least she could do) if something comes up rather than leave you hanging. If the relationship is too new or not strong/deep enough to withstand such a conversation, I'd only make plans with her that involve other people because she really is more of an acquaintance than a friend at this point and if she fails to show up, no big deal. If you are a "particular" friend and can't reach resolution and it appears that she's ditching you for something "better" or "more important", you will have to decide whether you are willing to put up with that behavior in a friend or not. If you weren't bothered or upset somewhat about being left in the lurch repeatedly or perhaps being a Plan B sort of friend (someone to hang out with if something better hasn't come along) to this woman you would probably not have posted the issue to Love Shack. IOW, does the "bailing" without notice make you feel bad about yourself or angry at her? How often does this happen and what are the circumstances? All questions that weigh in the balance as to whether you continue to make plans with her or not. Probably no reason to "end" the friendship per se if you decide that you've had enough of it, just don't rely on her for companionship. Great advice. I have already discussed this with her ad nauseam. She doesn't take me seriously, because she apologizes and then does the same thing. I agree that I would not have posted if it didn't upset me. The bailing makes me angry with her. I don't need to internalize her impolite way of living life; no need to feel bad because of her actions. It happens more than half the time, where we make solid plans do hang out and she simply does not show up or call. For example, she is supposed to come to my destination wedding this October. We made arrangements months before for her to come to my dress fitting. Since she was going to help me into my dress, it was imperative that she be there. Yesterday was the appointment at the bridal shop and once again, no call and no show. By contrast, one of my best friends showed up. Consequently, my best friend and her boyfriend are attending my wedding instead. I refuse to chase a grown woman around, to talk about having some manners. I left the missing woman a message telling her that I didn't want her at my wedding anymore. I will have more than enough to focus on that day; I won't need the stress of witnesses not showing up when they said they would. If she can't make my dress fitting, I cannot trust her to be reliable on my wedding day. Problem solved. Thanks all.
Stung Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 For example, she is supposed to come to my destination wedding this October. We made arrangements months before for her to come to my dress fitting. Since she was going to help me into my dress, it was imperative that she be there. Yesterday was the appointment at the bridal shop and once again, no call and no show. By contrast, one of my best friends showed up. Consequently, my best friend and her boyfriend are attending my wedding instead. I refuse to chase a grown woman around, to talk about having some manners. I left the missing woman a message telling her that I didn't want her at my wedding anymore. I will have more than enough to focus on that day; I won't need the stress of witnesses not showing up when they said they would. If she can't make my dress fitting, I cannot trust her to be reliable on my wedding day. Problem solved. Thanks all. I know what it's like to have problems with a friend's self-centeredness come up when emotions are already running high because of the stress of a wedding. I'm still dealing with the fallout of one friendship from my own wedding last October, and thinking about starting my own thread about it one of these days. Anyway, I think if this woman calls you back and you want to salvage this friendship you should tell her you're sorry it came to this but your decision about the wedding was reasonable in light of the circumstances and you would like to talk with her about it AFTER your wedding, maybe when you come back from the honeymoon, to give yourself time to cool down and to make sure your feelings are all being slotted into the appropriate places. Tell her you will send her pictures and you are sorry she can't be there but you need to feel secure about your wedding, and her unreliability makes you feel insecure. Since she does this repeatedly however, and it's obviously not something that just rolls off your back, it seems to be a personality clash at a very basic level. Sometimes there is no resolution and it is best just to let somebody go and move on.
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