ConflictedGuy27 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Conflictedguy: Ya now i realized that was my huge mistake by being so available all the time, but that is her main way of communicating since she never had minutes on her phone we'd be texting all day every day, and there were a few times when i felt like i didn't want to text anymore because i didn't have anything to say over text i rather work my magic in person. I have this fear when im dating a new woman, im always good for about three weeks but then i feel if i contact them less that their going to stop liking me and possibly go out with other guys or just flat out leave me with no explanation, like a fear of loss. How can i fix those insecurities so i don't come off as a clingy, desperate dude. I've screwed many dating situations being that way, because im always doing what i think they'd want me to do instead of doing what i want to do. understanding what keeps a woman interested and what kills attraction will help you. you've obviously learned first hand how overly communicating and being too available kill attraction. women are emotional and are intrigued by an emotional tug of war. that means, sometimes, that NOT communicating, or letting them know you're busy is the way to go. you are right to think that girls you're interested will check out other guys... so what? you can too. it's not like either of you are married, you know. there are ways to attract women toward you without talking them to death. I for one love busting on them here and there. especially the cute ones. if she's short: you know what sucks about you? I never see you coming if I'm not looking below eye level... or, "you know what, holding a conversation with you makes my neck hurt. we shouldnt be friends anymore..." stuff like that, believe it or not, triggers interest in a big way. and it's fun. just find stuff you like to do and do you. that should be more important than girls. the girls will be there along the way. just flirt as though they aren't the ONLY thing you have going on and you won't appear desperate.
dispatch3d Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Conflictedguy: Ya now i realized that was my huge mistake by being so available all the time, but that is her main way of communicating since she never had minutes on her phone we'd be texting all day every day, and there were a few times when i felt like i didn't want to text anymore because i didn't have anything to say over text i rather work my magic in person. I have this fear when im dating a new woman, im always good for about three weeks but then i feel if i contact them less that their going to stop liking me and possibly go out with other guys or just flat out leave me with no explanation, like a fear of loss. How can i fix those insecurities so i don't come off as a clingy, desperate dude. I've screwed many dating situations being that way, because im always doing what i think they'd want me to do instead of doing what i want to do. reframing is one technique to get rid of these. But reframing isn't going to necessarily completely get rid of the behaviour. It will probably help. "Mindlines" I think it's called is a decent book about "framing". At any rate, here's what reframing this belief would be (it'll take me too long to explain). "I am afraid women I'm dating will leave me if I don't talk to them enough after three weeks." Well, chances are every women you have ever dated or have a relationship with hasn't left you after 3 weeks. Some women may have left you for this reason. Not all. In fact most women probably left you for some other reason. (of the ones who left you). The ones who stayed obviously didn't have a problem. Really it should be: "A few women left me after 3 weeks. This may have been because I stopped calling them. Most women probably left for another reason. The ones who stayed didn't have this problem". you could also reframe your belief as: "Women who aren't that interested in me will leave after 3 weeks if I don't contact them enough. Really this is fine as they weed themselves out early and I don't have to waste my time with the ones who aren't interested." hope this helps!
somedude81 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Hell, I wish girls would give me a response like that. The last girl I had a couple of dates with suddenly decided to ignore me in the middle of a text conversation because I tried to make plans with her. I sent her one more message then deleted her number. Most girls want to avoid any confrontation and don't like saying no or I don't like you. If you pushed one so far to get a response like that, it really is time to move on.
You'reasian Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Well that girl that lost interest in me said that to me last night, because i kept bugging her to hang out, not repeatedly but through out the last couple days, everytime she would have an excuse or a response like "idk i'll see if we can hang out today", and i asked what she was doing on sunday and she said "studying" and then i said "why dont we hang out after you get out of school on tuesday?" and she said "i dont like you leave me alone" and i said "alright thats cool take care" So i havent contacted her since then, i deleted her number but i still have her on facebook which i dont use that much and she hardly uses it also. My brain is saying to leave her be, and get on with life, but my memories and emotions wan't her back to how it was even though it was a short month.......I know i bugged her and she was too nice to tell me to leave her alone before but she finally told me what i needed to hear and i should just move on but i cant..... Your brain maybe saying one thing, your heart another, but common courtesy says leave her alone...
sloudrou Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 My brain is saying to leave her be, and get on with life, but my memories and emotions wan't her back to how it was even though it was a short month.......I know i bugged her and she was too nice to tell me to leave her alone before but she finally told me what i needed to hear and i should just move on but i cant..... Translation: "My brain is saying to leave her be, because I know in my heart there is nothing there, but my ego is hurt because she told me to get lost". Take a step back, turn off the ego for a minute, and find someone else.
meerkat stew Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 OP, you really need to give it a solid month at least. But in disagreement with what others say, taking women at face value is often not the way to go, or rather always doing so will leave you puzzled and confused at what they say v what they do. "I'm not going to sleep with you" ... we are having sex five minutes later not of my doing. "There's no future, don't call me anymore"... she calls me ten times in the next week. "Eww he's gross"... she's blowing him in the back of a car within the hour. "You have nothing to worry about, we are just friends and I don't find him attractive"... she is already sleeping with him. The above is why "I don't like you, leave me alone" sets off alarm buzzers as to its phrasing. I'd say there's a 50/50 that she really does like you, is po'd at you (but will never tell you why), is trying to reel you in, etc. It just sounds kind of off to be taken at face value. However, there's nothing you can do other than walk away with the intent to do so forever. If she doesn't mean it, you don't want to get conned by her manipulations, and if she does mean it, you are done anyway.
sagetalk Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 I am going through the same thing right now, attempting to play out of my league and it's not working out for me either I'm curious, what makes you think he's out of your league? His wealth, attitude, looks? With girls, it seems it's always her looks that makes her out of your league (slim, in shape, and/or large breasts). What makes a guy out of a girls league?
dispatch3d Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 (edited) merkeet (1) translates almost directly to I'm going to sleep with you. (4) is some kind of weird jealousy thing, or she's trying to not let her feel bad. "You have nothing to worry about." would be the phrase that hints at it. (2) and (3) I don't get - although its great 2 worked out for you. I guess (2) the key is "there's no FUTURE". Meaning she doesn't necessarily want to date you (ie. as a boyfriend). But really I wouldn't be able to translate that one. Edited August 4, 2010 by dispatch3d
Author doomage Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 So Meerkat do you think i should give it a month before i initiate any contact?, if she hasn't already initiated contact by then, my birthdays coming up and im pretty sure she's gonna say happy birthday or something like that, if not no big loss but i feel it. But even if i do wait a month to say something im not gonna stop talking to girls and continue on living life. I feel that im a good dude and she's really missing out on someone great, i just had a bad way of presenting myself throughout our dating stage.
Author doomage Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 So Meerkat do you think i should give it a month before i initiate any contact?, if she hasn't already initiated contact by then, my birthdays coming up and im pretty sure she's gonna say happy birthday or something like that, if not no big loss but i feel it. But even if i do wait a month to say something im not gonna stop talking to girls and continue on living life. I feel that im a good dude and she's really missing out on someone great, i just had a bad way of presenting myself throughout our dating stage.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 So Meerkat do you think i should give it a month before i initiate any contact?, if she hasn't already initiated contact by then, my birthdays coming up and im pretty sure she's gonna say happy birthday or something like that, if not no big loss but i feel it. But even if i do wait a month to say something im not gonna stop talking to girls and continue on living life. I feel that im a good dude and she's really missing out on someone great, i just had a bad way of presenting myself throughout our dating stage. Let go! You do not have the skill to get her back by trying. with all due respect (and pls forgive me if you've already mentioned, but) how old are you?
Author doomage Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 Well ya i realized the error of my ways, if im trying to do something in hopes of getting her interested again i am already shooting myself in the foot. I'm 21 by the way, she is 20.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 (edited) Well ya i realized the error of my ways, if im trying to do something in hopes of getting her interested again i am already shooting myself in the foot. I'm 21 by the way, she is 20. yes, you mentioned your age. thanks. I see why you feel as you do, considering your age. do well to learn from this experience my friend. you'll be fine after a few weeks of no contact, I can guarantee that to be true after a few months. the fact is, break ups suck, but the lessons learned from them help us manage better romantic interludes in the future. still hurts at the time tho. understand that your intense desire to text her contributed to her losing interest. a good buddy of mine once told me that you can never go wrong playing things slow. sure this was a small exaggeration but has a lot of truth to it. the point is simply that women are turned off by over eagerness - it appears uber desperate. by playing things slow, e.g. limited, yet very calculated communications with girls, you do MUCH better. I agree with this approach, as it's served me well. all the best, friend. Edited August 4, 2010 by ConflictedGuy27
meerkat stew Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 So Meerkat do you think i should give it a month before i initiate any contact?, if she hasn't already initiated contact by then, my birthdays coming up and im pretty sure she's gonna say happy birthday or something like that, if not no big loss but i feel it. But even if i do wait a month to say something im not gonna stop talking to girls and continue on living life. I feel that im a good dude and she's really missing out on someone great, i just had a bad way of presenting myself throughout our dating stage. Yes, one month minimum, and the keeping up talking to other girls and getting on with your life is a GREAT idea. Use the way this girl dissed you as a motivator to improve yourself, make a physical goal, make a number of new people to meet goal. If you do these things, you may find that in 30 days, you just don't care about this girl so much any more, but if you do, you will have more confidence on your side when approaching her again. Also, don't hinge your B-day fun on hearing from this girl, in fact, try to live your life such that you generate your own strokes internally as opposed to hoping they will come from a source you can't control. If you do approach her again in 30 days, don't do it in a supplicating way or with any hesitation, do it casually, keep your cards close to your vest as if you have some secret, talk to her very briefly, lightly and flirtatiously and then leave the ball in her court. If she does contact you during the 30 days, don't spend too much time talking to her, be flirtatious and upbeat, yet kind of neutral. If she contacts you once, that's not an invite to start up business as usual doing whatever you were doing that turned her off. You also have to consider that the reason she froze up on you may be that there is someone else in the picture, if so, take it in stride and just go out and find three more girls to flirt with. Control as many variables as you can control, like number of women you are talking to, and the variables you can't control will wane in importance.
Author doomage Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 Well i guess a big fear of mine is losing the gilrs that I do get attracted to me becuase lately it's been happening that I get a chick interested in me and were holding hands doing all this lovey dovey stuff, but i guess in my haste for a relationship i push them away plus it's much harder to keep a girl then get her. But i know im still learning, just like i learned to approach now i gotta learn the next step and the next.......so on and so forth, but well today i texted the girl something like "hey how are you, just wanted to say hello" and left it at that and of course she didn't reply, but im doing better, ya i wanna talk to her can't deny that but i dont feel as badly as i did two weeks ago. So lets see if i can go a month without any contact, hopefully more next time i date a girl i need other options or else i put all my eggs in one basket, and lose the girl.
MyNameIsJane Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 she sounds like a challenge lol... yeah - In the same world where "no, get off of me" means "I really want to have sex with you." Sounds like she is giving him a straightforward request.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I'm curious, what makes you think he's out of your league? His wealth, attitude, looks? With girls, it seems it's always her looks that makes her out of your league (slim, in shape, and/or large breasts). What makes a guy out of a girls league? It's looks here coupled with other things. Despite what women will say, we also like good looking men that are in shape, taller than us and it's pretty high up on our list of priorities So this guy is objectively better looking than me, earns more than me, is more sucessful/powerful than me, is more confident than me - he has me beat in all areas.
Engadget Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 It's looks here coupled with other things. Despite what women will say, we also like good looking men that are in shape, taller than us and it's pretty high up on our list of priorities So this guy is objectively better looking than me, earns more than me, is more sucessful/powerful than me, is more confident than me - he has me beat in all areas. Ugh. Remind me not to return to the Dating area.
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