Confused100 Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I'm sure it varies from individual to individual, but I was wondering how everyone here moves on/gets over past relationships. Granted, I'm still fairly young and have never had a relationship before, but the last time (and first time) I really fell for someone, my efforts to move on were greatly aided by meeting someone new who really captured my interest (and who I'm trying to get over now too!). I was making very little progress, maybe it improved slowly, but once I got to know the new girl, I seemed to suddenly forget about everything. So do you find that over time, things slowly get better? Or do you find that, one day, you suddenly realise there's no more reason to pine over him/her and it's time to meet new people?
Beeotch Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 It's a gradual process from my experience. You may have an epiphany one day out of nowhere that greatly helps you along but to be completely over it is a process. The good thing is that when you're completely over it, you do wake up one day like wowww I have to try to think about thinking about this person lol. Then it seems weird like it happened overnight, but it didn't of course. It's a process that gets better daily, to the point you stop worrying about getting over it and then that's when you do and kinda realize it and it seems like wow, where did that come from?!
DenverBachelor Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 So do you find that over time, things slowly get better? Or do you find that, one day, you suddenly realise there's no more reason to pine over him/her and it's time to meet new people? It's a gradual process with milestones throughout. The most interesting thing about finding yourself again is that you sort of forget you're in the healing process and eventually one day you wake up, go to work, hang out with friends and go to sleep and have the realization, "hey, I didn't think about my ex all day." Then you just find yourself in the indifference stage. The last stage. No anger, no resentment, no depression -- you just learn to appreciate the experiences of your past for what they were (the good, the ugly, etc.)
Beeotch Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 (edited) It's a gradual process with milestones throughout. The most interesting thing about finding yourself again is that you sort of forget you're in the healing process and eventually one day you wake up, go to work, hang out with friends and go to sleep and have the realization, "hey, I didn't think about my ex all day." Then you just find yourself in the indifference stage. The last stage. No anger, no resentment, no depression -- you just learn to appreciate the experiences of your past for what they were (the good, the ugly, etc.) So true! Indeed I especially like the last aspect....where you truly become peaceful and accept the situation for what it was worth and that is the biggest clue you're healed/healing; when you don't have to blame the other person, point out all their flaws, wish them ill but you're truly content, see them as an individual too who makes mistakes, wish them luck, bless your past and move forward. In my opinion, even if you find someone new but "hate" your ex or hold resentment for him/her...those negative feelings NEVER allow you to fully move forward. But when you can actually be peaceful and not upset at that person at all, even for their shortcomings, you have GROWN. And to me, break ups are about YOU and a great time to GROW and not just superficially "get over" the person. When you've grown you move on in a better way versus same script, different cast scenarios. Edited August 2, 2010 by Beeotch
This Hurts Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I'm sure it varies from individual to individual, but I was wondering how everyone here moves on/gets over past relationships. Granted, I'm still fairly young and have never had a relationship before, but the last time (and first time) I really fell for someone, my efforts to move on were greatly aided by meeting someone new who really captured my interest (and who I'm trying to get over now too!). I was making very little progress, maybe it improved slowly, but once I got to know the new girl, I seemed to suddenly forget about everything. So do you find that over time, things slowly get better? Or do you find that, one day, you suddenly realise there's no more reason to pine over him/her and it's time to meet new people? I'm young, too, and this is actually my first heartbreak, so sadly I don't have an answer for you. However, I think this is a very good question and I'm liking reading the responses of people who have been through this and have gotten "to the other side". Thank you for posting!
HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 So true! Indeed I especially like the last aspect....where you truly become peaceful and accept the situation for what it was worth and that is the biggest clue you're healed/healing; when you don't have to blame the other person, point out all their flaws, wish them ill but you're truly content, see them as an individual too who makes mistakes, wish them luck, bless your past and move forward. In my opinion, even if you find someone new but "hate" your ex or hold resentment for him/her...those negative feelings NEVER allow you to fully move forward. But when you can actually be peaceful and not upset at that person at all, even for their shortcomings, you have GROWN. And to me, break ups are about YOU and a great time to GROW and not just superficially "get over" the person. When you've grown you move on in a better way versus same script, different cast scenarios. I agree with the whole feeling of letting go of the hate, but that can take a while, depending on the circumstances. Especially if you are cheated on or some other dire circumstance. For me, when it's really love, moving on is a painfully slow process. I think that has to do with some of my co dependency issues I'm trying to figure out, but where I'm at right now SUCKS. One of my problems also is I tend to look for rebound relationships to take my mind of it. This has actually worked great in some instances, and completely terrible in others. Now I start to wonder if I'm getting a little dose of Karma with my latest situation. What beeootch and DB say is true, and eventually I get to the feeling of indifference, but that time usually comes after I've found someone else. Maybe that's part of my problem. However anyone does it, I wish them luck, because it is a very tough time thing to go through.
LostinTokyo Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Epiphany.. hmm.. When you're heart broken and your emotions and thoughts are all over the place, everything may seem like an epiphany. I agree with everyone that says healing is a process. I've had tons of "epiphanies" "I won't let her make me feel bad about myself! I can't be with someone that'll make me feel this way!" Then for the day, I feel great. I think to myself. yeahh.. this is it, I've come to terms with this. Then in the middle of the night, I wake up and my heart is aching. She's not next to me. So be careful hoping for an epiphany. They probably aren't real. The grieving process unfortunately is very real. Just let it happen.
USMCHokie Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I agree with DB on this one...moving on is a long, gradual process that's full of little "sudden realizations"...those little things that you learn about yourself to help you cope with your loss and get you just a little bit closer to completely moving on...things that make you think about the broken relationship and help you understand why it ended and why it should remain ended...but the process is full of ups and downs...and each person moves on at their own pace...
skydiveaddict Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 the process is full of ups and downs...and each person moves on at their own pace... That's for sure
Beeotch Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I agree with the whole feeling of letting go of the hate, but that can take a while, depending on the circumstances. Especially if you are cheated on or some other dire circumstance. For me, when it's really love, moving on is a painfully slow process. I think that has to do with some of my co dependency issues I'm trying to figure out, but where I'm at right now SUCKS. One of my problems also is I tend to look for rebound relationships to take my mind of it. This has actually worked great in some instances, and completely terrible in others. Now I start to wonder if I'm getting a little dose of Karma with my latest situation. What beeootch and DB say is true, and eventually I get to the feeling of indifference, but that time usually comes after I've found someone else. Maybe that's part of my problem. However anyone does it, I wish them luck, because it is a very tough time thing to go through. To me, a great test to show you've grown is when you don't need to find a rebound or someone else to take that person's place. If you are codependent, or always need to find someone else to move on...the truth is, you have not GROWN as an individual. You simply find some bandaid and carry over your same insecurities, fears, issues etc. into your new relationship. Which is why I said there is a difference between GROWTH and simply "moving on". You can fall out of love or not miss the person anymore but have not matured and grown in your mentality so when you break up again or some such...the cycle continues. You never really face yourself...you just find someone else to take your mind off of your own problems. For me, I love my ex uncondiitonally i.e. he doesn't need to be with me and it is not about romance. I did not get into any rebound scenarios for too long, initially I went on a date and spoke to a couple people but realized that wasn't the point. I have truly grown and learned from the experience and can say that I doubt I will ever be compleeeetely heartbroken again, as my mentality about that itself has changed.
HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 To me, a great test to show you've grown is when you don't need to find a rebound or someone else to take that person's place. If you are codependent, or always need to find someone else to move on...the truth is, you have not GROWN as an individual. You simply find some bandaid and carry over your same insecurities, fears, issues etc. into your new relationship. Which is why I said there is a difference between GROWTH and simply "moving on". You can fall out of love or not miss the person anymore but have not matured and grown in your mentality so when you break up again or some such...the cycle continues. You never really face yourself...you just find someone else to take your mind off of your own problems. For me, I love my ex uncondiitonally i.e. he doesn't need to be with me and it is not about romance. I did not get into any rebound scenarios for too long, initially I went on a date and spoke to a couple people but realized that wasn't the point. I have truly grown and learned from the experience and can say that I doubt I will ever be compleeeetely heartbroken again, as my mentality about that itself has changed. You speak wise words Beeotch. You really do. I guess it must be this stigma that you always have to have a girlfriend or be with someone, whatever that whole thing is that society crams down your throat. I know being single drives me nuts and I hate it. That's probably the definition of codependency. It probably is a plan for disaster, and I wish I wasn't like that. I try not to view them as rebound situations when I get into them. I view them as "moving on", but if I'm honest with myself, they are probably closer to rebounds than to the moving on scenario. I hope you are correct that you will never be completely heartbroken again, because this whole heartbroken stuff really bites. I just want it over with.
Author Confused100 Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 So true! Indeed I especially like the last aspect....where you truly become peaceful and accept the situation for what it was worth and that is the biggest clue you're healed/healing; when you don't have to blame the other person, point out all their flaws, wish them ill but you're truly content, see them as an individual too who makes mistakes, wish them luck, bless your past and move forward. In my opinion, even if you find someone new but "hate" your ex or hold resentment for him/her...those negative feelings NEVER allow you to fully move forward. But when you can actually be peaceful and not upset at that person at all, even for their shortcomings, you have GROWN. And to me, break ups are about YOU and a great time to GROW and not just superficially "get over" the person. When you've grown you move on in a better way versus same script, different cast scenarios. That's an interesting point. I had really gotten close to my friend--or so I thought--and then she totally brushed me off, didn't even seem to care about my feelings. At first, I tried to defend her actions, I really don't know why. But, as time progressed I began to change my feelings. In fact, now I feel like she was being completely unreasonable and never want to have anything to do with her again. Thanks for the interesting responses!
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