theotherhalf1968 Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I believe I have been told that a husband and wife should always be friends first and lovers second. My husband says a spouce should be husband/wife, father/mother, provider/housewife. Nothing more. No closeness, no friendliness, and really nothing beyond someone to make the food, raise the kids, and have sex with when he feels so inclined. Am I wrong in my thinking, and if not where can I find some litature to teach him the right way of thinking?
xxoo Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I believe I have been told that a husband and wife should always be friends first and lovers second. My husband says a spouce should be husband/wife, father/mother, provider/housewife. Nothing more. No closeness, no friendliness, and really nothing beyond someone to make the food, raise the kids, and have sex with when he feels so inclined. Am I wrong in my thinking, and if not where can I find some litature to teach him the right way of thinking? I don't think it is a matter of "right" and "wrong". Different people and different cultures have successful (and unsuccessful) relationship with different models. What is relevant is that you desire a friendship with your H. I'm looking at his list, and see that "husband/wife" is first (before parent and worker). So the questions is: What does the "husband/wife" relationship emcompass in his mind? Is that strictly sex to him? A lot of individuals feel they need closeness in order to have intimacy (sex). Without closeness, there can be no ongoing sex. Maybe that is an explanation that would make some sense to him. Talk to him about needs and concerns. You need closeness--which can come in many forms. The need is specific, but the possibilities for fulfilling the need are many with some mutual problem solving. Discuss some of the behaviors you'd appreciate, and give him a chance to voice his concerns. Why is he opposed to (afraid of?) closeness with you?
just_some_guy Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 There are cultures where marriage is simply a business-like relationship. The roles are well-defined, the expectations are set and frequently, parents select the marriage partners for reasons ranging from what they feel are best-choices to political affiliations and financial arrangements. It is not what I want for my life. Friend, lover, partner and companion.
New_Life08 Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Tell him to go join the Amish community. He would fit right in. He sounds very much like my ex husband. He was very traditional, and it was hard on our marriage. He was a great provider, a devoted father, and loyal to our marriage. But, he was never my friend or confidant. He just wasn't wired that way...women have their place and it is subordinate to his. It works for some people, but nowadays it is not widely accepted. You can try to talk him into marriage counseling. That will probably be better than a book that he will likely quit reading once he sees something opposite to his way of thinking. Just don't ignore it otherwise you will become miserable.
quankanne Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 ... or a marriage enrichment course. Because from the sound of it, your husband is very much has a "married single" mentality, where the relationship isn't about "y'all," but "me" and "you." Bringing friendship into a marriage isn't a bad thing, but probably the best thing you can do in order to put the relationship first, rather than just focus on what one person can get out of it.
TOWinNYC Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I believe I have been told that a husband and wife should always be friends first and lovers second. My husband says a spouce should be husband/wife, father/mother, provider/housewife. Nothing more. No closeness, no friendliness, and really nothing beyond someone to make the food, raise the kids, and have sex with when he feels so inclined. Am I wrong in my thinking, and if not where can I find some litature to teach him the right way of thinking? I’m confused. I don’t think you’re wrong in your thinking…but I’m wondering why the two of you got married in the first place (considering the two of you have such divergent views)? IMO, you marry someone because he’s your friend AND your lover (one doesn’t come before the other). The sheer fact that those two things combined create magic which is what makes him different from anybody else who is in your life.
Author theotherhalf1968 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Is that strictly sex to him? The answer to this is deffently Yes! You can try to talk him into marriage counseling. We have tied counseling and he won't listen to them because it requires him to change. a marriage enrichment course. How would I go about finding a course in my area? you marry someone because he’s your friend AND your lover When we started out I though he was my friend but as time as gone by I have learned otherwise. I have learned all he cares about is what I can give him in the bedroom and he doesn't care about anything else.
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