BrokenUp Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 My wife split up with me 5 months ago. I found out one day she wanted out by stumbling upon missing money. She then admitted that she was un happy and she was gonna be moving out. The thing was that she was lying the whole time telling me she loved me and was acting like nothing was wrong. She said that she felt things would get better but did nothing to fix the issues or address them. I found out at a later time she had been feeling this way for a year. I started having a feeling that someting was wrong about a month before she left. Durring the last week before she moved out she said that she would go to consuling when she was ready to fix things up but not before then. I asked her if she was seing someone else and she said no but was tearing up and looked unconfortable when I asked her this. Now its 5 months later and we are not talking. She's admited that she want's to still hug and kiss me when I drop of our two kids. So when she actually did it i told her it felt good and she said it did to. We haven't done it since? We are going to diner every so often witch is odd since we don't talk, but after that there's no contact of any type at all. When we go out she looks to be half in half out. I'm not sure what to think or how to feel. She says she want to work on it but isn't showing me much. Is anyone in the same situation male or female? This is so confusing I'm starting to have doubts that I want to continue on like this. I don't know if I'm being strung along or if she's in a depression and can't get out of it. I also feel her friends are playing a big part in her decisions and they are confusing her as well from what shes told me.
HopelessinDTW Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 My wife split up with me 5 months ago. I found out one day she wanted out by stumbling upon missing money. She then admitted that she was un happy and she was gonna be moving out. The thing was that she was lying the whole time telling me she loved me and was acting like nothing was wrong. She said that she felt things would get better but did nothing to fix the issues or address them. I found out at a later time she had been feeling this way for a year. I started having a feeling that someting was wrong about a month before she left. Durring the last week before she moved out she said that she would go to consuling when she was ready to fix things up but not before then. I asked her if she was seing someone else and she said no but was tearing up and looked unconfortable when I asked her this. Now its 5 months later and we are not talking. She's admited that she want's to still hug and kiss me when I drop of our two kids. So when she actually did it i told her it felt good and she said it did to. We haven't done it since? We are going to diner every so often witch is odd since we don't talk, but after that there's no contact of any type at all. When we go out she looks to be half in half out. I'm not sure what to think or how to feel. She says she want to work on it but isn't showing me much. Is anyone in the same situation male or female? This is so confusing I'm starting to have doubts that I want to continue on like this. I don't know if I'm being strung along or if she's in a depression and can't get out of it. I also feel her friends are playing a big part in her decisions and they are confusing her as well from what shes told me. This sounds like the classic one foot in and one foot out the door. My guess from what you are saying is that she is confused, and in most likely case has an other man. She is just not sure about jumping the fence to the greener grass. You need to do the 180. That is to say, little or no contact, no emotion, no begging to get back. You need to let her miss you...no more dinners, etc. Tell her she needs to work on the marriage and see a therapist with you, if not tell her to pack the bags and leave. You need to be an a**hole, she needs to get the fact that you will not be strung along. I didn't do this, but many here have. So you really need to listen to what people here are telling you. Also, you need to think about yourself, and kids (if you have them). She has to be the one to come around and save this marriage not you. This is all very hard to do, but you must!! If you have the means, try to see if there is another man involved. Unfortunately in most cases there is. Hang in there, and keep us posted
Ohfortuna Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I am in month number one of a very similar situation- the day before she left me an email bombshell telling me she didn't want to be with me anymore we made love and had a nice day.
seibert253 Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 This sounds like the classic one foot in and one foot out the door. My guess from what you are saying is that she is confused, and in most likely case has an other man. She is just not sure about jumping the fence to the greener grass. You need to do the 180. That is to say, little or no contact, no emotion, no begging to get back. You need to let her miss you...no more dinners, etc. Tell her she needs to work on the marriage and see a therapist with you, if not tell her to pack the bags and leave. You need to be an a**hole, she needs to get the fact that you will not be strung along. I didn't do this, but many here have. So you really need to listen to what people here are telling you. Also, you need to think about yourself, and kids (if you have them). She has to be the one to come around and save this marriage not you. This is all very hard to do, but you must!! If you have the means, try to see if there is another man involved. Unfortunately in most cases there is. Hang in there, and keep us posted ^^^^^^ This Her reaction when you asked if there was someone else tells the story. Basically I would tell her that you know there's someone else in the picture, and you can no longer "be there" for her while this is true. Tell her you cannot maintain a relationship with her while there's a 3rd person involved in your M. Let her know that because of this, you will no longer conversate with her unless it involves the kids or financial issues. Then start the 180. Read up and research it here. Contact an Attorney. You need to protect yourself and your kids. This is no longer about her and your M. This is about you and your kids.
Author BrokenUp Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 ok heres an update, we talked today. she said she's depressed and hates who shes become and feels like a failure. She also said she married me at a young age and has no clue what life is about. She doesn't know what the heck she she wants to do as far as a job. She's saing that she will go to counseling first and then get me involved. In the same breath she said that if she doesn't love who she is how the f*** can she love me with these feelings. She also said to me that if I wanted to leave you at this moment and not work on this she would have filed a divorce. She felt that I was not listening to her words and not being a fair dad to the kids. The listening part is somewhat true do to the past issues. Since I told her that she didn't explain things to me like i was new to what she was talking about she did start explaining to me in more detail. She wants to still have dinner dispite a negative conversation that we had.
spriggig Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 ...I asked her if she was seeing someone else and she said no but was tearing up and looked uncomfortable when I asked her this. Hmmm, red flag over here. See if any of this sounds familiar: Texts on her cell phone a lot. Keeps her cell phone with her at all times. Takes phone calls outside or in another room. Hides the computer screen when you approach. Recently got a Facebook account and/or spends a lot of time on facebook. Spends a lot of time in a MMORPG game.
Author BrokenUp Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 text yes, but it has always been that way before we were married, cell in other room no, cell phone with her yes, computer no, spends alot of time on facebook yes, mmorpg no. When she's on facebook she never hid it. i did find a message from one of her guy friends that she talks to saying he was sorry he hurt her, he lives 2000 miles away for over 2 years. I confronted her and she said he was talking nasty to her and she got mad. There are positives and negatives positive she responds to me when i have a blow up she don't ignore it. shes left me on her insurance negatives, mood swings, family and friends of hers don't talk to me, shes not willing to talk to me beyond those blow ups except for dinner or when we have a random encounter. Not many people on my side feel that shes cheating, they feel that i ignored her for to long and didn't do things that made her feel that we were a family. I did on many occasions ignore her. I didn't go out of my way to make her feel special when i felt she didn't do the same for me over time. My family feels that shes trying to see if I can prove that I want to be a family and work on that first before she works on us. Family is huge to her, i blew off a few of these gatherings for ot pay at work. I'm not a saint I did do things to drive her away. I wanted to end this a few times and shes begged me not to leave and pleaded to me that I'll see that were gonna fix this and will be a family again. The counter is she doesn't know if she want to be single and find out what life is about. She feels that this is worth saving if we can the only problem is that its on her terms.
Author BrokenUp Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 Update: we went out to eat again, nothing except that she wants to go to counseling first to see if this is what she really wants or is shes been depressed ever since our second child came along and she hasn't got out of it. At the end as she left she didn't say goodbye and was just gonna leave until I said it, then she came over and said goodbye to me. I believe that it's time to hit the nc rule. I'm getting more angered but this uselessness. We haven't talked again since she left and it's back on her terms again. The problem is that she uses the kids to have a conversation with me, how do I avoid that without coming off as an a**?
Gunny376 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Back in 'tha day' before there was the Internet and such fourms as LS? I knew my X was having at the very least a EA if not a PA. Back before "DivorceBusters" and such came along? I told the X that at the very least she was having a EA with someone else. You don't live with someone, sleep side by side with some for X number of years and not experience them redrawing from you emotionally on a day-to-day basis. After I shipped her @zz back Stateside? I found out that from her so-called best GF that she advised her to find her someone to meet her "emotional needs" (Back in day ~ I didn't have a clue about such things) The BF~GF was married to a Marine Warrant Officer (You've a better chance of winning the lottery than moving up from the enlisted ranks to Warrant Officers ~ IOW ~ he was a Hell Cat for the Marines) He bought and furnished her a house with the best and finest you could imagine ~ and she still wasn't happy? She was out 'scroggin' a Marine Lance Corporal (The rank up above Private First Class ~ aka Gomer Pyle") My X was doing the same ~ when while in Okinawa? All she was to him (he was 22 and she was 33) was 'duty-station @zz' He dumped her as soon as he and she got back 'Stateside' ~ told her that he had gotten his so-called HS Sweetheart 'Pregno" and that he "Had to do right by his child and marry his child's Mother" Depression, anxiety, ................................... Brother I can stand up and testify all day long about it. Through in a good dose of PTSD? Hell its a damn wonder I'm still walking and talking and not a complete idiot? All the crap I've been through and seen, did and done? Not that I'm 'weak-minded' nor self discipline ~ its just that once I retired from the Corps and got back here in civilian la~la land that it ALL came crashing down on me? Work on improving yourself and providing for your children ~ and let her work on improving herself. Work on becoming the 'best you' that you can become ~ ditto for her. Life isn't a destination? Its a journey! Yours ~ hers wants and needs are constantly going to re-defined throughout the course of your life(s) That's what causes a lot of problems in most marriages ~ people change ~ their wants ~ their needs ~ their priorities ~ their goals ~ their desires? They all change over the course of a marriage?
Recommended Posts