I asked why men don't grow up....now this..

[jsbandb36]

I posted a few weeks ago regarding my current situation w/my husband of 14 yrs. Many gave great advice, so I thank you for taking the time to read my post and am asking for your words of wisdom again.

I was heading out this morning to a writers' seminar...off for the day. My 17 yr. old daughter and 13 yr. old were here and content. Actually, 17 yr.old was still sleeping when I left. She got in last night at curfew and proceeded to use the bathroom which resulted in her clogging the toilet (we have those water efficient toilets so it doesn't take much to clog and happens often...gross, I know). Daughter leaves a note on the toilet that she will get it in the morning as she doesn't want to wake up the house trying to get it done. I leave and literally 10 minutes later I get a frantic call from daughter that my husband had just freaked out on her...apparently he went to take a shower, saw the note, started slamming things in the bathroom while yelling and cussing. He slammed open her door, cussed at her to get out of bed, which she did and went into the bathroom. Now, she is a teenager, so she has a mouth on her and was telling him to calm the f' down, etc. I guess he got right in her face and started yelling at her and she pushed him away and then he pushed her back and hit her head on the wall. He then threw a bag of trash all over her bed, took her cigarrettes and yelled/cussed at her. My 13 yr. old was in the house too. They both left and call me. I came home and asked my husband if he put his hands on her. He at first denied it, then said he didn't know..but the whole time he just kept saying that he didn't do anything wrong and we just wanted him to leave and she was yelling at him and blah,blah,blah. I told him he had 5 minutes to pack his **** and go, that no man puts his hands on a woman for ANY reason!! This isn't the first time he has done this to her....about 4 yrs. ago he choked her and slammed her head into the wall. I called and filed a report and he had to go to mandatory counceling. My daughter and I come from an abusive marraige, I left when she was 2 1/2. My daughter was also involved in an abusive relationship. Am I right in having him leave? I know she shouldn't have talked to him the way she did but he's the adult and he didn't have to initiate this by storming into her room cussing and being violent from the beginning. Thing is, this happens every time I'm away...that's why I have basically had no life..I cannot trust him to be alone with them- it always gets f'ed up like he forgets to make dinner, or lays on the couch and ignores everyone. But, his whole attitude was one of the victim...like it always is...he even said "you're just looking for a reason to get rid of me". That's what he always sais...like I spend my time just waiting for him to f' up so I can make him leave. I'm kinda lost right now. He threatened to just "drive into a tree or cut my wrists" about a month ago...I'm worried that that is exactly what he is going to do...I won't be surprised. I'm so drained...so very drained from this but also so very sad...I can't believe that this is what things have come to. I honestly believe that he is losing his mind....he's like a scared animal that knows he's sick and is frantically lashing out...it's just a constant negative energy, a consistant void of any human being...I wish that I could adequatly describe what is going on with him. But, where do we go from here? I promised my kids that I would hold true to him not coming back until he gets help. But, what kind of help is sufficient? What about my daughter who is just being fed that it's okay to be treated like this even though I'm telling her it's not..do I ever let him back and have her trust me again? Someone help me figure this out please...this is a disaster..........

[xpaperxcutx]

Hon, of course you did the right thing. She's your daughter and you can't let him or any other man raise his hands to her.

 

I came from an abusive background as well, and I used to have a stepfather who was so abusive he almost molested me. And you know what happened? My mother sided with him and didn't believe me... even after they divorced, she's still in denial.

 

From any viewpoint, your daughter at least was responsible to have left a note. She didn't shrug any of her responsibilities ( based on what you'd told me about her sticking to curfews) and your husband went off on her for no apparent reason.

 

He has a temper and an abusive streak. For you to have stuck out with him for so long after the first time he treated your daughter, I'm saddened about the situation. You're a mother, you're suppose to protect your child and not let them come to harm's way.

[xpaperxcutx]

I would just like to add from a daughter's standpoint, in my situation, I never quite forgave my mother. Even though I'm still at home at the moment, our relationship has been strained because of the past and her inability to mend and fix our problems.

 

A mother and daughter's relationship is very important. To her, you're the only adult she's had to look up to. If you don't learn to handle the situation methodically or wisely, you only push her away further with your actions.

[jsbandb36]

yes, I did stay with him after the first situation. I went to his command (we are military) and reported it and he was ordered to go to counceling. Now, at the time I figured that that was going to be the thing to "fix" it. I've gone to counceling my whole life, off and on, to deal with issues. What I didn't count on was that he was going to "absent" from counceling also...absent, as in...not emotionally present...he would go, but never retained anything. I am beginning to believe, as I've said, that there is some kind of mental problem. I have no other explanation for this kind of human void. How can you go to counceling many, many times- both marraige and individual- and never, ever retain anything? Anyway- I did what I thought was the right thing to do at the time. Things have gotten progressivley worse since then,obviously. My daughter is no bed of roses....she is 17, she is not supposed to be! She's moody, and difficult at times and can be lazy, slobby, inconsiderate, selfish...all characteristics of any typical teenager. Yes, it gets to you once in awhile...but to react with such venom. Mind you, yesterday my son took his friends cell phone and was screwing around with it and locked out the password. His friends mother was at work so now his friend could not get into his cellphone. I was pissed that my son would do something so irresponsible. We happened to be driving in the car while this came about and my husband just sat there....never said a word...not ONE SINGLE WORD! to my son. I did all the questioning, scolding, punishing.....what he did was a real, legitimate crappy thing and my husband acted as if he were on another planet not even acknowledging what was going on. Then this with my daughter....I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I kicked him out and he's not coming back anytime soon...but, what I'm asking is what kind of stipulations do I put on this time apart...never coming back? Coming back after what? Obviously counceling is mute...I think he needs some inpatient help...but I can't force that...so, what?

[xpaperxcutx]

You address the issue.

 

Abuse is no laughing matter especially when children are involved and even though your children are no bed of roses their behaviour can be contributed to their immaturity in age. Your husband has no excuses.

 

If he does come back I don't expect you to let his behaviour slide. You're going to address his issues and his anger problems and suggest some form of intervention- even if you have to go back to counseling again, do it. The only thing you have to enforce this time is that he take counseling seriously, because an individual in a classroom does not necessarily mean he's going to want to learn. So you give him an ultimatum to protect your family- either that or separate. Remember you are responsible for your children's safety and and to place them in an environment where abuse is prominent only makes you out to be an accomplice in the matter, even though you never lifted a finger to your children.

 

There also seems to be massive commuication problems between you and your husband. You expect him to discipline your children but the way he goes about it is in the form of violence. Perhaps the both of you should go to counseling together to work out issues. Either way, the important thing right now is the safety of your children and what's best for them.

[GordonDarkfoot]

she pushed him away and then he pushed her back and hit her head on the wall

If he needs domestic violence counseling, then the daughter does as well.

 

The daughter got physical FIRST.

 

Ladies, all of you--ABUSE is ABUSE even if a woman does it. Let's not pretend otherwise, K?

 

no man puts his hands on a woman for ANY reason!!

I agree, and the same applies to women who put their hands on a man. Right?

 

 

 

If you NOW think what your h did to your daughter was abuse/domestic violence, then report to the police if you have not already done so and have him prosecuted.

 

this happens every time I'm away

 

What??? He's been serially abusing your child and you're still with him??? Why would you even need for someone to agree that you should split with him immediately? How can that not be obvious.

 

Good luck, report this to the police, get counseling.

Edited August 1, 2010 by GordonDarkfoot

[jsbandb36]

Gordon DF....Yes! You are absolutly correct that both woman and men can be abusive and the consequences should be the same regardless. According to my daughter she pushed husband AWAY from her as he was "about and inch" from her face yelling and cussing at her. So, in my eyes that is a natural response. He then pushed her back....he's a man, she's a 120 lb. 5'3" child...no match for him. So, of course I wasn't there and I only have both kids side of the story...although my husband didn't deny anything...I have to go with what they say...he was furious, in a rage, barrelled into her room while she was asleep, cussing and yelling, throwing things, throwing trash (which included all the dust, etc. from the vacuum cleaner) in her bed and then made her clean it up...all within like 5 minutes...then he followed her into the bathroom,and it got physical. Yes she cussed back at him, told him to chill the f* out, etc...not condoning this at all... but, again...how many of us would react differently if faced with the same situation? Also...no, this kind of physical action has only happened once before. What I meant by this happening when I'm away is that he almost always waits until I'm away and then instigates and starts in on her and become unreasonable. I usually get some kind of text/call about how the minute I left he started with her. Most of the time he just ignores her and she him....until I leave which I try not to do very often.

[spriggig]

The right response here would have been for him to unclog the toilet and go on with his morning. How an adult man does not know that is beyond me.

 

Honorable men only defend themselves against a woman attacking, never retaliate. Old movies used to model this response clearly, and it was the right response.

 

Gordon, from a legal standpoint, women are as culpable as men in physical violence, but from a social view, real men don't hit women and especially not young girls and MOST especially not their step-daughters. You can bristle at the term "real men" but in this case it's fitting. Also, the justification that "she started it"? No.

[kdark]

I don't see how anyone could fault the daughter in this situation.

 

Your husband was out of line with that reaction. I wanted to push my step mother when she would get in my face and do the same thing, but instead I just called her a bitch and walked out.

 

He needs anger management and therapy. The fact that you are afraid to leave him alone with your kids is a huge, HUGE problem.

[vodkafan]

I say he needs to change radically or you need to get rid of him. Sounds like he has had enough chances. Simple as that. You said it: you have no life. You can't be afraid to go out and leave your kids with him.

[Confused_in_canada]

He needs to get Anger management therapy and fast! You also need to seriously consider leaving him. It's just too much. You should never under any circumstances get that way with your children. Yelling and scolding fine but, never abusive...

 

That just goes way above the line. It's sounds like he could even be a bit bi-polar but, I'm not therapist.... Anyways, Hope that you sort it out and come out HAPPY and not stuck where you are!!!

 

Remember at some point we have to look after ourselves as well!!!

[jsbandb36]

Thank you all, again, for your candid advice. I went over to our Family Srvcs. office here on base (we are a Navy family). My husband called this morning to tell me that he had a place to stay but had no way of getting food. Things are tight, financially, and he didn't want to dip into our budget for his own food so he said his solution was to come home and just leave everyone alone and ignore everyone...but to have access to the food. Although I understand that this is a legitimate concern I did tell him that that just wasn't going to work...he was going to have to get some help from his family. We have a savings account that is in both his and his fathers' name so he is going to have to explain the situation and get some money from that account. I also filed a report with the family advocacy councelor. The process from here is that the report goes to CPS (child protective services) and also to his command. I included the information about the remarks he made over a month ago about just driving into a tree. His command (basically his bosses) will make sure that he adheres to whatever plan family advocacy comes up which will most likely be mandatory anger management, counceling, etc. Maybe more...I don't know. It's out of my hands now and into theirs and he must do what they recommend. Realistically there is no way that I can keep him from coming home....we live on base housing and it's his house too. So, right now I'm not comfortable having him here and the kids seem to both agree. We will see, over the course of the next few days, where this all plays out.....and daughter will most likely be included in some anger management classes also.....thank you so much for your reassurance and words of wisdom!!

[Feelin Frisky]

While you're figuring this all out, get your daughter some pepper spray and tell her to go for it as soon as hostilities start. If this dude gets so close to her and displays an anger that is way over the top, she should let the f*ker have it right in the eyes. Then get the hell out of there. Maybe a shock to his nervous system will give him pause to check his rage.

[jsbandb36]

Bwahahahahaaaa...Frisky!!! Good stuff!! I am thinking of something along those lines myself...good ol' blast of pepper spray may make him think twice about bullying! F'er still doesn't think what he did was wrong....just keep saying 16 yr. old remarks like "oh, what she did was ok? It's ok for her to yell at me?"......whatever!

[Curmudgeon]

I think you've taken the responsible approach, especially for your daughter and for your peace of mind. I would also suggest changing locks. Someone suggested that he might be bipolar but his behavior doesn't really fit the pattern. However, it does fit several of the diagnostic criteria for a borderline personality disorder. Perhaps that's something to be considered.