GordonDarkfoot Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 She was working in the medical field(Extern for completing her degree), when a patient left his number for the receptionist to give to her. She said that she doesn't know for sure why, but she called, and they just talked. After a few phone/text converstions, they decided to "hang-out" a little, which led to one evening of watching a movie(at his house). A quick kiss led to a long kiss, led to a walk to the bedroom, leading to... It happened once, short, mechanical, over within minutes. The following weekend was my 40th birthday OP, not too alarm you, but what you're describing here is consistent with an exit affair. When she completes her degree and gets a job in her new field, she might decide she really doesn't need you anymore. It seems like she went for this patient pretty easily and w/o too much prodding. What's remarkable about this thread is that your entire perspective reflects that somehow, you believe you are the one "in control" of whether this marriage stays together or not. I believe that's part of your very serious case of denial. You have no control over whether the marriage continues or ends, based on the attitudes you've expressed. Basically it's very clear that you will stay in this marriage at all costs, or almost all costs. Your wife knows that. You are WAY too eager to forgive her. It's much much too soon for that. The danger to this marriage is not that YOU decide to leave your wife; it's that your wife continues down the path she's chosen, with the current POS or with someone else (it doesn't matter who) and when she feels she's found an adequate replacement, suddenly you get hit with the divorce papers. Adding the 15 year old stepdaughter into the mix just gives her more incentive to not want to stay married to you (not a knock on your stepdaughter). Let me ask you something--were you and your wife planning on having kids? If not, why not? If yes, then when? She's going to go into the workforce (actually she's in it already) when she graduates, right? Look in the mirror and ask yourself a hard question and try to be honest with the answer: "What motivation does my wife have to stay in this marriage? Why is she here?"
stillafool Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 And also one of the other mantras is to always stay and work on a relationship with someone who committed the Ultimate Betrayal, even if the affair was over a year. Of course, its true that some wayward spouses learn from their "happenings" but most will continue to be disrespectful, even if they stopped opening their legs for someone other than their spouse. Just my two cents. I agree with you. This support forum is not just to support people who want to reconcile but for those who want to move on as well. All opinions and views are important in their decision making process.
stillafool Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Notsoeasy, "Confused in Kansas", has her own agenda for being lenient with cheaters, and while she does make good points, you should realize that her main argument that "not all affairs end in divorce", is misleading. The vast majority of marriages where there is infidelity, end in divorce, at some point. It's something like 90%. Most marriages survive only if both partners are willing to work HARD at becoming the people they were when they made the marriage vows, and the WS MUST be completely remorseful, open, and willing to do ANYTHING the BS requires, to regain his/her trust. This is in my opinion the bottom line. And, I'll bet the reason only 10% make it is because most WS's aren't willing to live their lives this way too long (no privacy).
GordonDarkfoot Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I believe her when she says that she didn't even think about, what happened, happening ahead of time. And knowing that does help, but there is always the question of how honest is she being? I know it is neccesary, but that one little voice is really getting on my nerves!!! Why would you believe her? You should listen to the "one little voice", that's your common sense trying to talk to you. What she's telling you doesn't make any sense. It's simply not logical. She called the other man and went on a date with him to watch a movie at his house. During the course of their date, she went into his bedroom. She kissed him, then kissed him again, and then engaged in various other sexual activities culminating in intercourse. How could she not have been thinking about it ahead of time? She planned it. Maybe she did not know with 100% certainty that sex would definitely occur, but she was MOST DEFINITELY open to the possibility when she called the other man and set up the date with him. And, for all your forgiving nature, how would you feel if you found out that this was not the only time she had cheated on you? Do you seriously think that it's impossible that this happened before, only you never accidentally found out about it? If her boss knows about this one, there's a chance the boss might know about other infidelities by your wife. You need to have a chat with her boss, after grilling your wife about this. Oh and when she said they used "protection" during sex? Cheaters always say that, but it frequently turns out they were lying. You ABSOLUTELY NEED to get STD tested, and SO DOES SHE.
GordonDarkfoot Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 And, I'll bet the reason only 10% make it is because most WS's aren't willing to live their lives this way too long (no privacy). LOL only the ones who are cheating or thinking about it.
stillafool Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 A couple of notes: Yes, we know now what should have been done(in prevention), but it is a little late... She didn't know how to talk to me...Understandable, I can be a hard person to talk to(I am not self blaming, but understanding...), but that makes this a stepping stone? She has not said a single word about this being, in any way, my fault! She has taken full blame, without hesitation! She still doesn't know why(therapy needed), and I have told her that I can not do a thing until we figure that out(she understands). That is the key to our future! I am not big on fault. I would rather find solutions to problems, than waste all of my energy on fault. But, I agree that deturmining fault is part of the prevention, and I can't loose sight of that, but I don't want it to be my main focus. If you guys have more questions, please feel free. I get the feeling that there are a lot of generalizations here, which just draws away from the focus... Thanks~ It seems you have made up your mind to stay with your wife and that's fine. There is a section called "Coping" and another "Second Chances" where you may want to copy your thread and get their perspective.
Bitterman24/7 Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Oh and when she said they used "protection" during sex? Cheaters always say that, but it frequently turns out they were lying. You ABSOLUTELY NEED to get STD tested, and SO DOES SHE. Thats what I was thinking, especially when he said he actually believed her when she said that she used protection. Even if she did use protection, she was still cheating and it doesn't always prevent your genitals from falling off.
GordonDarkfoot Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Unfortunately, I am not one to let things simmer, I want closure! I don't believe that is the best attitude right now, but I still want it, and can't find the switch to turn it off:D! I don't think "closure" is what you mean? You could have "closure" by filing for divorce!!! What I think you need to focus on is gathering accurate information, primarily about your wife's activities in this current affair and any prior infidelities she may have had. You can't make a good decision if you're relying on inaccurate information. You cannot assume you're getting any truly accurate info from your wife. For example, you brought up not wanting to test for STDs. That's the "denial" mode of thinking--the REAL reason you don't want testing is because you are AFRAID it might show she was lying about using protection and she or you caught something as a result. Insisting on STD tests will get you unbiased accurate (as far as those tests are accurate) and objective information about whether you or your wife caught an STD. So that's why you have to insist on testing--it's the only way you have of actually getting unbiased objective information about that issue. Surely you can't make an informed decision as to whether to get treated for an STD, if you haven't even been tested to find out whether you have been exposed? That's my suggestion of how you deal with all this stuff. You DON'T have to make "decisions" including setting arbitrary deadlines for "closure." You SHOULD seek ways to improve your level of knowledge of factual information that can help you to make BETTER informed decisions.
Author Notsoeasy Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 Testing for STD's is not the biggest thing on my mind right now. I never said that I didn't want to. Due to self employment, I have no insurance, so I would rather devote current funds to counseling. Even though there is more at stake with other threats, this I know is real... Thanks~
michelangelo Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Testing for STD's is not the biggest thing on my mind right now. I never said that I didn't want to. Due to self employment, I have no insurance, so I would rather devote current funds to counseling. Even though there is more at stake with other threats, this I know is real... Thanks~ I paid $20 for such testing at a county clinic a year ago in California. Surely you can scrape up such a small amount.
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 A couple of notes: Yes, we know now what should have been done(in prevention), but it is a little late... She didn't know how to talk to me...Understandable, I can be a hard person to talk to(I am not self blaming, but understanding...), but that makes this a stepping stone? She has not said a single word about this being, in any way, my fault! She has taken full blame, without hesitation! She still doesn't know why(therapy needed), and I have told her that I can not do a thing until we figure that out(she understands). That is the key to our future! I am not big on fault. I would rather find solutions to problems, than waste all of my energy on fault. But, I agree that deturmining fault is part of the prevention, and I can't loose sight of that, but I don't want it to be my main focus. If you guys have more questions, please feel free. I get the feeling that there are a lot of generalizations here, which just draws away from the focus... Thanks~ First... a huge issue for me is that she decided to reconcile with you... but did not disclose this. You had to find it on your own. That is a very big strike against her honesty in general. I don't care how hard you think you are to talk to. Second... fault? Is there some question in your mind as to who is at fault? How long is it since you have been dating? As I read the story she gave you... she went to his house expecting to have SEX. When a guy invites you up to his place that's what it means. The fact that you ignore that makes me think you just completely in denial. If you want this to work you need to open your eyes and fix this with honesty. Maybe it sounds like I have accepted her doing what she did. I'm not putting her up on a pedistal, and I don't think that she is a victum of anyone else's wrong doing. She was wrong! Catastrophicaly Wrong! She knows what she did. She wasn't drunk, or druged. She is/was aware, and knows that she can't change a f***in' thing about it now. We both know this! By the sounds of things, there is, just about, no way for me to forgive her, and get on with our life? Am I really a "doormat" for trying to be open minded about this. Isn't that part of what "love" is? Are we not supposed to forgive? Am I really just being a sap? I am not trying to sound pissy, but I was really hoping for more "help" with the healing, than guidence for D, but I need reality, so I am open. Thanks~ No... if you really love her it's more than acceptable to try and make this work. That isn't the question at hand. What remains to be shown is whether your wife loves you or not. First step here should be to determine some acceptable consequences from this. That is what will keep you from being Mr.Doormat. What is she willing to do to fix this? There should be some serious hoop jumping. Guy... you CAN make this work, but its more up to what she is willing to do than what your willing to get past.
Author Notsoeasy Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 She is seriously interested in making this work. She told me that we were gonna make this work, days before my reading/discovery. I just didn't know how bad things had gotten, but we were struggling outside of the A. She has told me that it was not intended, and with limited "guy" exposure in life, I believe her. She had hung out a couple of times before, and didn't expect him to lay a kiss, leading to... We have read everywhere that most female infidelity is based on an emotional craving. It is the guy who shifts it to physical, usually the women puts up with the physical for her emotional needs...I believe that my wife was in this group, and that is why it got broken off so early, om didn't want to be emotional after getting what he wanted. Typical bait/switch...
lkjh Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 OK either you are playing a joke or a weird thing has happen because a female poster in the cheating and flirting forum posted the exact same story but from the wifes perspective. If this is a real thread I think your wife is posting on there either by shear luck or she knows you are on here. here is the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t240386/
lkjh Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 It seems like both of you write in the same style so I think I smell a troll
Author Notsoeasy Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 That is my wife, and we are sharing our need for help. Am I supposed to keep this a secret? If so, I am sorry. She has been reading along through this entire thread, as I feel that she not only needs to know how I feel, but also how all of you feel, not to mention this gives her a heads up as to what I might approach her with. We collectively decided to discuss replys, and that they are part of our healing. Again, if this wrong, I'm sorry! I hadn't I'll intentions...
JustJoe Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 As long as there was no intention to mislead posters, I can see nothing wrong with her being on LS and sharing info with both you and the other posters. Let me ask her a question, then. Is she still in contact with the OM?
lkjh Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Its not wrong to have her on here but I think you are being too open and trusting here. She now knows all of your thoughts and suspicions and you just have her word. How do you even know if you have the real truth? How do you know that they only slept together once? and so on
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 She is seriously interested in making this work. She told me that we were gonna make this work, days before my reading/discovery. I just didn't know how bad things had gotten, but we were struggling outside of the A. She has told me that it was not intended, and with limited "guy" exposure in life, I believe her. She had hung out a couple of times before, and didn't expect him to lay a kiss, leading to... We have read everywhere that most female infidelity is based on an emotional craving. It is the guy who shifts it to physical, usually the women puts up with the physical for her emotional needs...I believe that my wife was in this group, and that is why it got broken off so early, om didn't want to be emotional after getting what he wanted. Typical bait/switch... Women can have the desire for just physical too. Look, you said earlier that you don't care about blame... yet your constantly blameshifting to this other guy. Is this a rape case? Should you be contacting the police? If not... then lets just be at ease with putting the blame 100% on her. This other guy doesn't owe you anything, and never has. Now... you completely avoided the question of what consequences you plan to enforce... or do you think that is unnecessary? That is my wife, and we are sharing our need for help. Am I supposed to keep this a secret? If so, I am sorry. She has been reading along through this entire thread, as I feel that she not only needs to know how I feel, but also how all of you feel, not to mention this gives her a heads up as to what I might approach her with. We collectively decided to discuss replys, and that they are part of our healing. Again, if this wrong, I'm sorry! I hadn't I'll intentions... Well... I like the fact that you are honest with her. Is there an age difference between you two?
Bitterman24/7 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Women can have the desire for just physical too. Look, you said earlier that you don't care about blame... yet your constantly blameshifting to this other guy. Is this a rape case? Should you be contacting the police? If not... then lets just be at ease with putting the blame 100% on her. This other guy doesn't owe you anything, and never has. Now... you completely avoided the question of what consequences you plan to enforce... or do you think that is unnecessary? Well... I like the fact that you are honest with her. Is there an age difference between you two? But is she honest with him? The fact that this started in a medical building makes the situation sound more dangerous, kind of. I just read his wife's comments about how she even KNEW that OM did not have any STD's because she looked at his "medical file." Wow. If she did this to him, I wonder if there were other "patients" she were "taking care of."
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 But is she honest with him? The fact that this started in a medical building makes the situation sound more dangerous, kind of. I just read his wife's comments about how she even KNEW that OM did not have any STD's because she looked at his "medical file." Wow. If she did this to him, I wonder if there were other "patients" she were "taking care of." That particular item bothers me because it's such a strong breach of ethics. I would like to get an overall sense of who she is as a person and how she thinks. Based on some of these actions my initial impression is someone who feels entitled to act in whatever manner she pleases without regard to consequences. Very impulsive.
Bryanp Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I agree that the breach of ethics is absolutely shocking that she would look at his chart to know that he was tested for STD's. The fact that she did this now indicates that the sex was clearly a planned activity and not a surprise as she previously stated. Why would she be looking to see if he was tested for STD's if she was not planning to have sex with him? What other reason could there be which means it was clearly pre-planned.
Author Notsoeasy Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 Purely coincidental! She was to look at everyones medical records. She has to give injections, draw blood, start I've...etc. If a patient has something contractible, there are a lot of precautions that need to be taken, above/beyond the normal precautions. I am not making excuses!
Bitterman24/7 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Purely coincidental! She was to look at everyones medical records. She has to give injections, draw blood, start I've...etc. If a patient has something contractible, there are a lot of precautions that need to be taken, above/beyond the normal precautions. I am not making excuses! Even if that is her job, obviously, she still used classified information to her personal advantage, and she used it as a cover to get her socks off with OM. What she did was not only morally offensive, but is a cause of getting fired. Please, just stop making excuses for her. Think!!! If she was this cunning and calculating like a covert goverment operative, then what makes you think that she hasn't been doing this or won't do it again? Even if you found a way to forgive her, its not like you'd be able to watch her every move. Just like the others said in another thread, "The affair/WS could still move underground," meaning that she'll just be more careful.
Church Bells Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Purely coincidental! She was to look at everyones medical records. She has to give injections, draw blood, start I've...etc. If a patient has something contractible, there are a lot of precautions that need to be taken, above/beyond the normal precautions. I am not making excuses! Now you're just being DENSE!!! Let's just say that what you posted above is even remotely true. If she knew he was "clean", then why did she say she used protection? Regardless, she's either lying about what she knew or she's lying about the protection ... get the picture ... SHE'S LYING!!! It's what WW's do ... GET IT??? You're WW doesn't have any special qualities ... she's a WW just like all of ours ... and you would be wise to learn from our collective experiences. She TT'ing (Trickle Truth) you to MINIMIZE her culpability ... and you're buying this pile of BS ... WAKE UP!!!
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 ...This man is purely in Denial... He knows it deep down inside, what she did was premeditated. She meant to screw this other guy. bottom line, it was no coincidense. It was according to her plan. and if she can do this with other men, it begs the question will she do it again, how much can you tolerate? Are you F-ing kidding me?
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