infiniteQuest Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I have been my boyfriend for 5 years (we're both in our mid-twenties). I believe that he's a good person and we love each other very much. We have had some issues over the years but we've both made efforts to work on them and iron them out. My only complaint about him that has been persistent over the years has been that he doesn't seem to put much effort into anything other than his job. He is a workaholic and always uses work as an excuse for not going the extra mile to make our relationship (or any other parts of his life) not just good, but great. For me most part, he thinks that just showing up is enough. For example, he would never take the initiative to plan a romantic night out for us (we do go out but we just end up driving down somewhere random), he doesn't try to make Valentine's day or my birthday special (he'll typically get me what seems like a last-minute gift, and casually ask me what I feel like doing that day). Even in his own life, he seldom puts any effort into any major events and just seems to let life fly by while he watches it from the comfort of his couch. Last year, he "forgot" his father's birthday. He is overweight and keeps complaining about it, and talking about how he needs to change that, but he just never gets around to it. His house is a mess, he doesn't have any hobbies because work takes up so much of his time, and generally doesn't do much besides working. So, unless I make a huge deal out of it and sit him down and tell him that there's a major problem, he will never lift a finger for anything. Yesterday he came over to meet my parents, which was long overdue (for cultural reasons we decided to delay it for a while). It was a huge event for me and I was so nervous that day! I had told him beforehand to bring wine as a polite gesture because my mother would be cooking a huge meal. He was supposed to show up at 5pm. I called him at 4:30 to make sure that he didn't forget. He picked up the phone half-asleep and said he was on his way. If I hadn't called him he would've slept right through it! He just blamed it on being overworked and tired, and of course he never remembered to bring the wine. I was so disappointed. I feel like I can't rely on him to do anything by himself without me standing over his shoulder like a mom. I have so much resentment over all of the small things that he "forgets" to do. My mother said that he was a pleasant guy, but that he strikes her as being very lazy, which to me just sums up everything that's wrong with our relationship. I am now confused and I don't know what to do. I did spend 5 years with this guy and he is very dear to me, he is my confidant and best friend and we have a great intellectual connection, but in physical aspects of life I just feel like I'm fixing him all the time.
Shakz Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Was he always like this? Do you feel that his lethargic attitude is a sign that he may have checked-out of the relationship emotionally? It sounds like he may be taking you for granted. Do you think there might be anything you could do to change his attitude?
LoveLace Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 You mentioned he's overweight...does he snore too? It's quite common for overweight men to have sleep apnea. They do not reach deep sleep, generally like others do, and it causes them to be tired very easily. My friend's husband used to be this way...all he did was work and lay on the couch. He blamed all his laziness on being tired. Finally his wife convinced him to do a sleep study and he was diagnosed with sleep apnea. After using a CPAP machine to sleep at night, he turned into a new man...energetic and more involved all around. It's hard to think of sleeping with a machine every night, but to him it's all worth it. Probably sounds out there, but it's something to consider...and of course if he lost enough weight, the sleep apnea can subside, but since he doesn't seem to be going to the gym anytime soon, I'd start with the sleeping problem. That aside, he needs to be told that you can't spend your life with someone who's only ambition is work everyday and everything else is just an exhausting task. If he doesn't change for you it's likely best to get out.
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