Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Ugh, what is it about Mondays?? I don't feel well today, all the kids in carpool have strep so I am probably getting that I miss him terribly today. I see things happening on our board and FB and it makes me so sad because I was so involved. I know this is for the best. I know that he quit me and that he doesn't love me and that it is so stupid to still love him so much. I miss the memories, mostly memories that I MADE for us, that he never put any effort in to make. It is my ego that screams at me "how can he not miss me or feel the same way??" I want to make excuses like he is just scared at how much he feels for me, but that is bull****. He doesn't give a **** about me, if he did he would be here and trying. Sorry for the pity party but I have to say these things to myself today. I have the phone sitting next to me with his phone number and "I love you and miss you" in the text field, and I need to tell myself these things so I don't send it. He quit me, what do I expect him to do if I send this? For him to rush over and hold me in his arms and tell me "Yes you are right! I just couldn't say it!!!" He won't do that, and he is too much of coward to do anything but send me stupid meaningless messages. He doesn't care, he is moving on and I need to do the same. I don't need him, I miss the thought of him. I am trying to find reasons for the rejection and this terrible hurt that I feel, but there is no reason. I didn't do anything for him not to love me. The end of our relationship is not my fault, and anything that I say or do is not going to change the outcome. So it is not my place to say that I love him and miss him. He knows that already. He doesn't deserve to know that I still feel that way and that I am struggling today. I need to have self-respect enough to not send this text and put myself out there for more certain rejection. Thanks -sorry again but I had to get this out.
HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Ugh, what is it about Mondays?? I don't feel well today, all the kids in carpool have strep so I am probably getting that I miss him terribly today. I see things happening on our board and FB and it makes me so sad because I was so involved. I know this is for the best. I know that he quit me and that he doesn't love me and that it is so stupid to still love him so much. I miss the memories, mostly memories that I MADE for us, that he never put any effort in to make. It is my ego that screams at me "how can he not miss me or feel the same way??" I want to make excuses like he is just scared at how much he feels for me, but that is bull****. He doesn't give a **** about me, if he did he would be here and trying. Sorry for the pity party but I have to say these things to myself today. I have the phone sitting next to me with his phone number and "I love you and miss you" in the text field, and I need to tell myself these things so I don't send it. He quit me, what do I expect him to do if I send this? For him to rush over and hold me in his arms and tell me "Yes you are right! I just couldn't say it!!!" He won't do that, and he is too much of coward to do anything but send me stupid meaningless messages. He doesn't care, he is moving on and I need to do the same. I don't need him, I miss the thought of him. I am trying to find reasons for the rejection and this terrible hurt that I feel, but there is no reason. I didn't do anything for him not to love me. The end of our relationship is not my fault, and anything that I say or do is not going to change the outcome. So it is not my place to say that I love him and miss him. He knows that already. He doesn't deserve to know that I still feel that way and that I am struggling today. I need to have self-respect enough to not send this text and put myself out there for more certain rejection. Thanks -sorry again but I had to get this out. Morning paw. Totally feeling everything you just said today as well. Gawd this sucks doesn't it? Well, you know how all my stuff turned out last week if that's any insentive to not send the text. I feel the same way about "how can she not love me?" And I can't get an answer either. In my case, my ex is a coward and doesn't face any of her problems. I, along with you, have done all I can and the ball is in their court. I'm just reading about you're w-end and kissing the guy thing. I can relate to that too with my experience with the "young one". I think we do that to feel wanted. Its not fair to them, as you pointed out to me. You and I are both hurting today and it makes no sense why they wouldn't want to be with us, but there is nothing we can do about it. Know you're on the same boat as I'm riding and know we have no choice other than to just ride out this bad day. There is nothing we can do but continue to support each other. Wish you the best today paw. Big ((((hugs))))
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Morning paw. Totally feeling everything you just said today as well. Gawd this sucks doesn't it? Well, you know how all my stuff turned out last week if that's any insentive to not send the text. I feel the same way about "how can she not love me?" And I can't get an answer either. In my case, my ex is a coward and doesn't face any of her problems. I, along with you, have done all I can and the ball is in their court. I'm just reading about you're w-end and kissing the guy thing. I can relate to that too with my experience with the "young one". I think we do that to feel wanted. Its not fair to them, as you pointed out to me. You and I are both hurting today and it makes no sense why they wouldn't want to be with us, but there is nothing we can do about it. Know you're on the same boat as I'm riding and know we have no choice other than to just ride out this bad day. There is nothing we can do but continue to support each other. Wish you the best today paw. Big ((((hugs)))) Thanks High, I appreciate the support, and I am so happy I have a place to come and get all of that out so I am not wallowing in my own misery or doing something stupid like showing him weakness. I hate the rollercoaster like we all do. I hate feeling strong and "over it" one minute, and then down the hole of darkness and loneliness the next. I hate how much control just thinking about him has on me. I hate the rejection, I hate the longing, I just hate him in general We will survive, we know that it is not our fault and that we did everything we could. The longer we stay away the stronger we will get, until they are nothing but a memory.... Best wishes to all of you today!!!!
HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Thanks High, I appreciate the support, and I am so happy I have a place to come and get all of that out so I am not wallowing in my own misery or doing something stupid like showing him weakness. I hate the rollercoaster like we all do. I hate feeling strong and "over it" one minute, and then down the hole of darkness and loneliness the next. I hate how much control just thinking about him has on me. I hate the rejection, I hate the longing, I just hate him in general We will survive, we know that it is not our fault and that we did everything we could. The longer we stay away the stronger we will get, until they are nothing but a memory.... Best wishes to all of you today!!!! No problem paw. You have been a big supporter of mine as well so we have to help each other out however we can. This forum helps us all write out our feelings and get opinions from others going through the same dogs#it. It let's us know we are not alone. Yes the rollercoaster. Usually, rollercoasters are supposed to be fun. Who would have thought they could be so horrible? I guess there is a difference between real rollercoasters and emotional ones. I hear you on all the "hate" stuff, but you remember that the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. Guess that's when we'll know we are truly better. I'm a long way from that. Just look at what we'll accept and still "hold on" to what we are given? We know its not right. But here we are. Dumb dumb dumb...(Me)
smk Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 BP - I learnt the only way is to ride the roller coaster and let it wear out... Accept each emotion and feel each emotion and try and turn it around on itself and turn it into a positive if you can...
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 BP - I learnt the only way is to ride the roller coaster and let it wear out... Accept each emotion and feel each emotion and try and turn it around on itself and turn it into a positive if you can... I know S but accepting that emotion is what makes me crazy and want to call him. I have to learn how to turn that emotion around into the solution, figure out what is triggering it, and how to get through it without losing my mind. Glad you have that "weird" feeling, I am sure that is better than hurt or anger, "weird" may be a step away from indifference?? Yes the rollercoaster. Usually, rollercoasters are supposed to be fun. Who would have thought they could be so horrible? I guess there is a difference between real rollercoasters and emotional ones. I hear you on all the "hate" stuff, but you remember that the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. Guess that's when we'll know we are truly better. I'm a long way from that. Just look at what we'll accept and still "hold on" to what we are given? We know its not right. But here we are. Dumb dumb dumb...(Me) High you know you aren't dumb. This is all so hard to deal with. I used to love rollercoasters but I don't have the urge to ever go on one again I am getting to the point where I do think that this break-up was a good thing. I wanted to text him and tell him I love him today, but why do I love someone that could leave me and put me through the wringer as many times as he has? I deserve better than that, we all do. I always have to say thank you to you guys because I appreciate you so much! Glad we are all here
smk Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 B - yeah the "weird" feeling was good... Still a long way to indifference but a step forward I guess... Today I am physically too drained to let the thoughts put me down - I refuse to feel down anymore... It's not easy turning the thoughts around and I fall down more often than not, but I just envision the life I want to live and pick myself up... As we have seen weekends seem to be rough but hopefully I am going to change that too... I hate the roller coaster too, but today it hasn't been too bad and it will get better for you too.. We all have our down moments and its just focusing on the positives in your life when that happens... I read a book called taming tigers and even though it's all about personal development and Being in control of our fears...
HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 I know S but accepting that emotion is what makes me crazy and want to call him. I have to learn how to turn that emotion around into the solution, figure out what is triggering it, and how to get through it without losing my mind. Glad you have that "weird" feeling, I am sure that is better than hurt or anger, "weird" may be a step away from indifference?? High you know you aren't dumb. This is all so hard to deal with. I used to love rollercoasters but I don't have the urge to ever go on one again I am getting to the point where I do think that this break-up was a good thing. I wanted to text him and tell him I love him today, but why do I love someone that could leave me and put me through the wringer as many times as he has? I deserve better than that, we all do. I always have to say thank you to you guys because I appreciate you so much! Glad we are all here Thanks Paw, It IS hard to deal with though, that is for sure. The worst is riding a roller coaster you didn't know you were on. How could someone love me like she said and then just disappear without even having the courtesy to break up with me? That does get me as well. She is a screwed up person. Definitely deserve better than that! We appreciate you here very much paw. That's for sure. All going through the mud together...
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 I don't feel like talking today, I don't feel like feeling.... I did not contact him yesterday but he felt the need at 11 pm to text me and ask me how I am doing. I say "I am getting through it", he sends this one back: "It's not easy. Many times that my instinct is to text you. I know it is for the best though. I'm really sorry." DID I ****ING ASK YOU HOW IT WAS FOR YOU???? NO I DIDN'T! STOP TRYING TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER BY ****ING WITH ME!!!! STOP TELLING ME THAT YOU ARE SORRY, YOU ARE NOT ****ING SORRY....IF YOU WERE SORRY YOU WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME A ****ING CLUE INSTEAD OF PERFECTION THE DAY BEFORE AND OVER THE NEXT. **** YOU MARK YOU STUPID PIECE OF ****, **** YOU!!!!
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 I don't ****ing deserve this, I don't need to be reminded every ****ing day that he is not with me and it is for the ****ing best. THIS IS WHY YOU STAY NC!!!!! This is about me you stupid ****er, not about you and your selfish ****ing nonsense. I am gd done with you and your ****. I blocked you so I don't have to see you, I left the group with a goodbye and you can answer all the ****ING QUESTIONS!!!! Tell them how much of a selfish ****ing prick you are!!!
cookie2 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 **** YOU MARK YOU STUPID PIECE OF ****, **** YOU!!!! Ouch gave me a scare.. my name IRL LOL! Let that anger flow free... you are totally right what you say. If any of our ex's were sorry they wouldn't do what they do/did.
HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I don't ****ing deserve this, I don't need to be reminded every ****ing day that he is not with me and it is for the ****ing best. THIS IS WHY YOU STAY NC!!!!! This is about me you stupid ****er, not about you and your selfish ****ing nonsense. I am gd done with you and your ****. I blocked you so I don't have to see you, I left the group with a goodbye and you can answer all the ****ING QUESTIONS!!!! Tell them how much of a selfish ****ing prick you are!!! Mornin Paw. Sounds like a rough one. Massive hugs to you. Yep, that sounds pretty cruel for him to keep on in contact with you. That's gotta be rough right now. And here I am dying for contact. Sometimes, no contact is better. It isn't fair of him to do that to you. I understand why you are upset. He just keeps picking at the scabs. Hold Fast Paw. We are here for you...
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 Sorry Cookie for the scare he doesn't even deserve me saying his name I like being angry, it makes me stronger when he ****s with me, makes me know that this is the BEST FOR ME - **** you, what's best for you, who the **** cares what is best for you.....stupid dick Thanks for listening today, I am sure that I will hit rock bottom in a few but right now, besides wanting to run him over with my car, I feel strong and on my way to indifference
cookie2 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Anger is good, makes a nice change from my passive-aggressive STBXW!!! Let it flow
smk Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Hey paw - unfortunately they will always try and break NC look at my ex, but you know what **** em... Vent it all out here, let the rage flow and when it subsides take a deep breath and feel good about the life you want to live without him messing with you... And if need be tell him to back off - just tell him the truth that unless he absolutely has to not to contact you because you're not interested... It's not gonna be easy but were all here for you...
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 11, 2010 Author Posted August 11, 2010 I am better today, woke up thinking about him which I hate but have been able to push him away for the most part..... I feel good about myself and just because one person feels like they are better off without me should not put me into the spin that I have been in for the last three weeks. I have to work on my self-confidence so if it happens again I can say "good - **** you" instead of letting it drive me down this hole.... Hope everyone is having a good day as well
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 11, 2010 Author Posted August 11, 2010 Some more good news, I can finally listen to pop radio without going into hysterics and wanting to run the car off an overpass ) progress ....
smk Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Some more good news, I can finally listen to pop radio without going into hysterics and wanting to run the car off an overpass ) progress .... Hey B -glad to hear you're having a good day, keep strong and even before you know it he will have vanished into your past...
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 Feeling stronger every day.....we give them too much control. Just because he texted me I went into a rage, he has zero to do with my life anymore. He choose that so he doesn't get to control my emotions, the way I think and feel, etc. I control me, I control what I do, how I feel, what makes me happy, sad, pissed, everything. So the next time you wonder what they are doing, if they are thinking about you, so on, ask yourself why....
smk Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Feeling stronger every day.....we give them too much control. Just because he texted me I went into a rage, he has zero to do with my life anymore. He choose that so he doesn't get to control my emotions, the way I think and feel, etc. I control me, I control what I do, how I feel, what makes me happy, sad, pissed, everything. So the next time you wonder what they are doing, if they are thinking about you, so on, ask yourself why.... Glad to see you're doing well today B - we've all had a pretty rough crappy summer through no fault of ours... They don't control us... I had my mini rant earlier and got a little worked up and just let the feeling run it's course... And I have the day off tomorrow so a nice long weekend for me....
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 Glad to see you're doing well today B - we've all had a pretty rough crappy summer through no fault of ours... They don't control us... I had my mini rant earlier and got a little worked up and just let the feeling run it's course... And I have the day off tomorrow so a nice long weekend for me.... Awesome! Hope you are doing something fun, for yourself. I am really having trouble sleeping. I am back to my own patterns, trying to go to bed early but then waking up at 1 am and restless sleeping until the alarm goes off at 6:30. Sucks, makes me irritable, makes me depressed. Hate it... A positive thing I didn't wake up thinking about him. And when he does pop in my mind I said "I am in control of me, I control what I think about" until he is gone....has been working the past few days. I want my life back, I am getting it back....
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 I pretty much hated today, I am exhausted from not sleeping, want to go to bed at 9 pm on a Friday so I don't drink .... but I know that I am going to be up at 1 am....ugh Just feeling depressed and lonely and sad today....too much to do, no motivation to do anything...got to get myself out of this hole....
smk Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Hey B Yeah I had a pretty ok day - spent the day with my sister and went out and splurged on buying myself some new clothes - then hit a comedy club at which point I had the whole text thing with as posted in my other thread so didn't really enjoy the show much... But hey... I know what you mean about the restless nights I have the same - got to bed at 4 am last nite and was up by 7 am this morning - and couldn't sleep again either... But hey each day we the pain goes away a little and hopefully one day it will vanish competely... Be strong and I hope you enjoy your weekends... Tc
RedDevil66 Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I pretty much hated today, I am exhausted from not sleeping, want to go to bed at 9 pm on a Friday so I don't drink .... but I know that I am going to be up at 1 am....ugh Just feeling depressed and lonely and sad today....too much to do, no motivation to do anything...got to get myself out of this hole.... This is how I'm feeling today. I'm only 6 days into my break up of an yr relationship and it's been BRUTAL! I've barely functioned all week and cannot sleep either. I feel your pain
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 Hey B Yeah I had a pretty ok day - spent the day with my sister and went out and splurged on buying myself some new clothes - then hit a comedy club at which point I had the whole text thing with as posted in my other thread so didn't really enjoy the show much... But hey... I know what you mean about the restless nights I have the same - got to bed at 4 am last nite and was up by 7 am this morning - and couldn't sleep again either... But hey each day we the pain goes away a little and hopefully one day it will vanish competely... Be strong and I hope you enjoy your weekends... Tc Thanks buddy, one day at a time I know. I like it better when I am angry so at least I feel something. My house is seriously falling apart around me, I have so much to do but I don't feel like moving. So tired....headed for NYC next week for work so I have to get everything done, the kids packed up to go to EH for a week, all I want to do is sit here and cry. Need some advice to snap out of it.... This is how I'm feeling today. I'm only 6 days into my break up of an yr relationship and it's been BRUTAL! I've barely functioned all week and cannot sleep either. I feel your pain We are here for you Red, some days are better than others - most days are better than this. We will all get through it.
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