HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 I am getting through it today. I still have this nagging feeling about rejection, why he didn't want me, what wasn't good enough, but for the most part I know that I did the best I could and that I need to work on myself to be better, not for him but for me... I was telling a gal that works for me about my promotion, me leaving and the changes that were happening. She was crying saying how much she was going to miss me, and I thought for the first time, this promotion is a life-changing thing for me and I can't even be scared, nervous, excited, etc. because of all the **** I am feeling for this stupid man. Priorities people priorities, it is about us, not them..... So true Paw. It's scary how someone can have so much power over us. you are doing great though. Look how much your co-workers value you? You mean a lot to many people and are a strong and successful woman. I know what you are saying about the rejection part. It baffles me too. Maybe your right about the it's about us and not them, but that just seems so selfish. Hope your doing better today...
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 Feeling ok again today, coming to the realization that I didn't mean as much to him as he did to me, which is ok. Everyone has their own perceptions of what is important... Also, I know that the contact from him the last few days means nothing. He is not telling me he misses me, not telling me he wants me back. He has moved on. I was a big part of his life too so I am sure he is still trying to find his way through this without me. This was his choice, he has to do that on his own. I wasn't thinking about him first thing when I woke up.....first time in a year, a half and 16 days
GrayClouds Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Good your healing from the break-up, but more importantly what are you doing to address the co-dependency thing? What new things are you learning about you and it?
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 Good your healing from the break-up, but more importantly what are you doing to address the co-dependency thing? What new things are you learning about you and it? Hey Gray just a side note before I answer, you have been giving excellent advice to HPD, I just cut and copied your last post into my running journal. The over-achiever, always looking for validation on how great I am really hit home on that one. On to the co-dependence, I received my books on the subject yesterday I am making conscious steps to not seek out validation, do my own thing, really get that inner love within myself pumping....it really helped that I just got a promotion (JOB VALIDATION ) so that put some wind in my sails, and forced me to remember what is truly important, and what is just a fleeting moment in time. It is baby steps, I know I still need have a ton more work to do, just glad to feel better today
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 Ugh feeling the loss bad today. Not sure if it is just all hitting me from the shock and events of the week, or if it is because this is my first free day (night) without the kids and events and things to do. I have plans (going out to din with a friend) but I don't know....I enjoyed spending my free time with him....I don't have a lot of it and with him was where I wanted to be, where I still want to be.... Makes me sad that all of those memories and thoughts and feelings are only important to me.... Was it really my delusion that we were really really happy?
cookie2 Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 As long as you were happy, does it make a difference? I think not... you went through the feelings and emotions, no matter whether he was going through them or just faking. It's the same for me, I wonder if she ever truly loved me as I loved her, but at this point it doesn't really matter. We are split up and it's history now. I choose to believe that she did love me until a short while ago.
smk Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 As long as you were happy, does it make a difference? I think not... you went through the feelings and emotions, no matter whether he was going through them or just faking. It's the same for me, I wonder if she ever truly loved me as I loved her, but at this point it doesn't really matter. We are split up and it's history now. I choose to believe that she did love me until a short while ago. i think we all go through the motions after they leave doubting whether they truly loved us or not - i remember asking my ex the day i moved out is she truly did love me or if it was just a charade - her response "if i have to ask, then she is glad her dad made her break up with me"... occasionally the thought does still prop into my head, like yesterday when i met her - i will be honest I was a hurt about the whole pendant issue - but hey ho...life goes on... i like and choose to believe that yes she did love, i dont know if she still does. I know even now I still grow to love her each day, yes I have accepted its over and that she seems to have become a completely different person in 8 weeks, but hey the heart loves what it chooses to love...
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 Ugh I just want to tell this day to **** off!!! Kids are gone, only until tomorrow thank God because we are going to a baseball game tomorrow, but still....how am I supposed to go out and have fun when things are this ****ing ****ty?? I liked it better when I was busy and knew that I wasn't able to see him anyway....
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 Everything ****ing sucks today, I am hung over, I kissed a guy that I should have never kissed last night because I am so ****ing lonely, I just want to crawl in a gd hole and die
cookie2 Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Aww bonpaw *hugs*. Things will get better, have faith! I had a crappy night last night, tried watching a movie but it just made me think of how we used to watch movies, on the sofa with her legs on my lap. But I woke up this morning, and moved all her stuff into the garage. Much better now
smk Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Aww bonpaw *hugs*. Things will get better, have faith! I had a crappy night last night, tried watching a movie but it just made me think of how we used to watch movies, on the sofa with her legs on my lap. But I woke up this morning, and moved all her stuff into the garage. Much better now Good on you cookie - you seem to be make some good progress... Bon - how are you doing? How did the day wind up yesterday?
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 Good on you cookie - you seem to be make some good progress... Bon - how are you doing? How did the day wind up yesterday? God I woke up in the ****tiest mood....I drank too much last night, was hanging out with a good girlfriend who thought she was doing me a favor by getting a bunch of people that we used to worked with together without telling me. A guy that has had a crazy crush on me for years was there. He is 10 years younger, very sweet, but I have never felt that way. I just wanted to feel something other then this terrible pain and rejection, so I kissed him. He is over the gd moon again sending me texts and emails on how perfect I am .... I feel like a user, transferring the rejection that I got onto someone else....what the **** is wrong with me???? Sorry you guys / thanks so much for being here and listening.....feeling like every step I made the past 18 days has just been erased
smk Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Bon - I know the feeling of drinking too much, I did overindulge on the scotch last night however it was a fun night... And I made it through most of the night without talking about her, that was probably due to the fear of the physical pain I would have had to endure (I have been banned from talking about her at my friends house and been threatened with physical violence of I do) lol... Such considerate friends I have.... Hehehehe... About the kissing don't beat yourself up about it... I think I need to go out and kiss someone maybe that would make me feel a little better... Hehehehe... So long as you had a good time that's all that counts...
cookie2 Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 I am planning to overdo it tonight, got myself a bottle of vodka, a bottle of vermouth and a jar of olives Yeah don't worry about the kissing. It's just a kiss, not like you led him on for months, lied to him and cheated on him! You were just rolling with your emotions and the alcohol. He's young, he will have to learn one day that these things happen!!
smk Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 I am planning to overdo it tonight, got myself a bottle of vodka, a bottle of vermouth and a jar of olives Yeah don't worry about the kissing. It's just a kiss, not like you led him on for months, lied to him and cheated on him! You were just rolling with your emotions and the alcohol. He's young, he will have to learn one day that these things happen!! I can see another night of over indulgence too - my cousin has come over Brighton and he has made it his personal mission to ensure that by the time he leaves on Monday I am over the ex... He went shopping and bought copious amounts of alcohol and we are having a BBQ in the hopefully not rainy evening tonight... Lol... Should be an interesting night - hehehehe - I recall some talk of maybe frequenting one of the several strip clubs in London too... Hmmm... I am sure in for a night of debauchery...
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 I can see another night of over indulgence too - my cousin has come over Brighton and he has made it his personal mission to ensure that by the time he leaves on Monday I am over the ex... He went shopping and bought copious amounts of alcohol and we are having a BBQ in the hopefully not rainy evening tonight... Lol... Should be an interesting night - hehehehe - I recall some talk of maybe frequenting one of the several strip clubs in London too... Hmmm... I am sure in for a night of debauchery... Good for you guys! Hope that you both have fun and stay out of trouble....alcohol is the devil tho so be careful and use with caution, in make case it obviously makes me think too much
smk Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Well seeing as I have been threatened with physical violence by all my friends of I talk about her chances of me doing that are slim to none... Before it did make me think alot but the masters times haven't been too bad... I think the company that I am hanging out with seem to be keeping my mind off her so that's good... But yes i do agree the juice needs to be used with caution and not when you are alone... We are having some cocktails too tonight and I intend to smoke a nice cigar - speaking of which I need to replenish my stock... Sorry random bit of useless info there...
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 Well seeing as I have been threatened with physical violence by all my friends of I talk about her chances of me doing that are slim to none... Before it did make me think alot but the masters times haven't been too bad... I think the company that I am hanging out with seem to be keeping my mind off her so that's good... But yes i do agree the juice needs to be used with caution and not when you are alone... We are having some cocktails too tonight and I intend to smoke a nice cigar - speaking of which I need to replenish my stock... Sorry random bit of useless info there... That is funny about your friends, at least you have us to talk to They are probably on to something though, I feel sometimes all I do here is self-wallow, tough love seems to be working for you
smk Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 That is funny about your friends, at least you have us to talk to They are probably on to something though, I feel sometimes all I do here is self-wallow, tough love seems to be working for you For the first few weeks they were happy to listen - last night I actually got a couple of punches in the arm... I think sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind, fair enough they won't let me talk about her, but every weekend since the break they have made sure I am with them, even if it's just kicking back at their house or goig out, and these are the same people that I had ignored when I was with the ex... I think it's important to let out what we are feeling because it helps us see what we are feeling but eventually I am sure their just comes a time when I will probably stop postage about her and post random stuff... This place has been great for me and opened up my eyes, like GC's thought provoking lost last week that made me open my eyes... Also the flirting with you is great... Lol... But sometimes we need to wallow in our misery, but eventually we just have to let go....
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 For the first few weeks they were happy to listen - last night I actually got a couple of punches in the arm... I think sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind, fair enough they won't let me talk about her, but every weekend since the break they have made sure I am with them, even if it's just kicking back at their house or goig out, and these are the same people that I had ignored when I was with the ex... I think it's important to let out what we are feeling because it helps us see what we are feeling but eventually I am sure their just comes a time when I will probably stop postage about her and post random stuff... This place has been great for me and opened up my eyes, like GC's thought provoking lost last week that made me open my eyes... Also the flirting with you is great... Lol... But sometimes we need to wallow in our misery, but eventually we just have to let go.... I appreciate your random things, it really does help get my mind off the situation and gives me a boost out of the dark hole...(and the flirting helps with that too ) As I was looking at your post about a London get-together I got a work email with my boss's itinerary and that I might have to travel to Zurich in Sept Funny how things work.... Have fun being a sexy mofo tonight!!! You deserve it
smk Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 I appreciate your random things, it really does help get my mind off the situation and gives me a boost out of the dark hole...(and the flirting helps with that too ) As I was looking at your post about a London get-together I got a work email with my boss's itinerary and that I might have to travel to Zurich in Sept Funny how things work.... Have fun being a sexy mofo tonight!!! You deserve it Well I am glad I can help take your mind of things, and being here helps me too... LSers reunion in London or Zurich sounds like a plan coming together.... Well anytime you need random facts let me know, I tend to store lots of useless info that sometimes makes me chuckle...
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 Big day for my son yesterday. His baseball team won their World Series this year, so at this Detroit Tiger game they got to take the field and be announced. It was totally awesome! Another huge surprise (sorry to all you Brits and Eurpos for the US references) was that we ate at a local hockey player's restaurant with the teams beforehand and said hockey player (totally smokin hot still at 48 years old) showed up and took pictures with the kids and signed autographs. It was a hectic but awesome day. On cue around 4 pm I got a text from him wishing my son a great day. I stayed NC until the hockey player thing happened, and texted mostly just to rub it in that if he would have been where he should have been (with me) he would have experienced this too. Stupid and childish I know. I am stronger when my kids are around. I am a friggin hot mess when I am alone or when it is times I would have spent with him. Thank goodness I don't have a lot of free time so these stretches are minimal. But I need to learn to be alone, to not fall into depression, or fall in with someone just to fill that void. Still feeling guilty about the boy on Friday. He sent me this heart-wrenching email about all the things he likes about me (could have substituted love, he actually told me he was in love with me a few years back and I never dated him we were just friends). How could I do that to someone, to feed my own ego? Ugh Hope everyone has a great day...I am much better this morning then I was yesterday, and that is all I can ask for....
cookie2 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 OMG I am so hung over today. Just got up (5pm)! Had a great night though. One friend was trying to set me up with someone... I ended up picking her up (literally) and carrying her down the garden. Can't quite remember why, but I'm sure it was highly amusing at the time!! Don't worry about the boy, bon! He just has a crush I guess. What you did was hardly crime of the century... hundreds of people do this every day... not like you did anything anywhere near as bad as all our ex's did to us!
Author bonpaw2008 Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 OMG I am so hung over today. Just got up (5pm)! Had a great night though. One friend was trying to set me up with someone... I ended up picking her up (literally) and carrying her down the garden. Can't quite remember why, but I'm sure it was highly amusing at the time!! Don't worry about the boy, bon! He just has a crush I guess. What you did was hardly crime of the century... hundreds of people do this every day... not like you did anything anywhere near as bad as all our ex's did to us! THANKS COOK! Glad you had a great night, you deserved it!!!
smk Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Bon & cookie - I think we all deserved the max night lol... I remember being woken up at 5am this morning and getting a cab home from my friends... We didn't end up at the strip club but I did initiate contact with another girl I know and my cousin. Has been trying to set me up with for the last 12 months... So who knows... I spent my afternoon by the canal having a few g&t's and seeing some eye candy... I love summer... Bon - as cook said don't think too much about the boy - and good to see you had a good night and you too cook - you sound like you had a mad one.. Lol
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