My own co-dependent thread :))

[bonpaw2008]

OK Gray - so what happens when you really have everything you want out of life, everything but that special person that actually gives a **** about you wants to spend time with you doesn't want to stomp on you?

 

I am older than SMK, I have a great career, two great kids, awesome support system....unfortunately I am co-dependent and I am only happy when I am taking care of others and rarely do things for myself. I really tried to break that pattern when I got divorced. Neither one of us were happy, we were just going through the motions, he was mean and selfish and I had enough. So I ripped apart my family (which I thought was terribly selfish for a long time, that took some counseling to get over the guilt) for me....to make myself happy. Unfortunately most of my friends sided with the ex so I had to build relationships all over again.

 

So I get through that, I know what I want, what will make me happy, and then this happens....I let myself fall for an emotionally unavailable man that stomps on me....so is what I want supposed to be nothing from anyone else?? Because when I am happy wiith someone else they always disappoint me, leave, don't care??

 

I appreciate your advice.

Edited August 1, 2010 by bonpaw2008

[lullaby]

OK Gray - so what happens when you really have everything you want out of life, everything but that special person that actually gives a **** about you wants to spend time with you doesn't want to stomp on you?

 

I am older than SMK, I have a great career, two great kids, awesome support system....unfortunately I am co-dependent and I am only happy when I am taking care of others and rarely do things for myself. I really tried to break that pattern when I got divorced. Neither one of us were happy, we were just going through the motions, he was mean and selfish and I had enough. So I ripped apart my family (which I thought was terribly selfish for a long time, that took some counseling to get over the guilt) for me....to make myself happy. Unfortunately most of my friends sided with the ex so I had to build relationships all over again.

 

So I get through that, I know what I want, what will make me happy, and then this happens....I let myself fall for an unavailable man that stomps on me....so is what I want supposed to be nothing from anyone else?? Because when I am happy wiith someone else they always disappoint me, leave, don't care??

 

I appreciate your advice.

 

Hi Bon!

 

You know what? I think we tend to search for a certain type of person everytime we fall in love. For example, a friend of mine is afraid of having a meaningful relationship so she always falls for guys who are married, have a girlfriend, etc, because she knows deep down inside that she won't have a full relationship with then and it's so hard to break the pattern.

And we are accustomed to being with someone by our side, loving someone, sharing our lives with someone, and sometimes we can't find ourselves on our own.

 

I think that in your case, you should try and work on being someone for yourself first, without needing someone to boost your ego or to make you happy. It's terribly difficult, but it's not about the person you get involved with but how you manage that situation instead.

 

Maybe I'm speaking nonsense but I guess the first step is to recognize what we need to change, what our flaws are, and then move to working on them, so you're on the right path for me

[GrayClouds]

that took some counseling to get over the guilt) for me....to make myself happy. Unfortunately most of my friends sided with the ex so I had to build relationships all over again.

 

So I get through that, I know what I want, what will make me happy, and then this happens....I let myself fall for an unavailable man that stomps on me....so is what I want supposed to be nothing from anyone else?? Because when I am happy wiith someone else they always disappoint me, leave, don't care??

 

I appreciate your advice.

 

With all do respect bonpaw, you speak of your "Co-dependence" like a badge of courage, of some affliction without a cure. You said you took some counseling for the guilt.

 

You also said you tried to break the pattern. But pattern do not break with one big step. It take small incriminate step done with repetition. I suspect you did not allow yourself the time and practice to get there, Instead you move into a new realtionship thinking it would mean you were a new you. But you did not give yourself the time to grow and fix the issue.

 

 

Now how about some more counseling for the Co-dependence? Figure out why you are like you are, then how to develop healthy boundaries, how to find happiness taking care of yourself. Then you will not choose the emotionally unavailable. Do you not see you went out and selected the perfect person to live up to your narrative of co-dependent; if your doing all of the give they do not have to. You got the realtionship you thought you deserved.

 

For until you start believing every problem is not yours to fix, a realtionship is mutually giving, and love is something someone gives you not owes you, your not going to get the love you do deserve.

 

.

[GrayClouds]

"There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment." - Sarah Dessen

 

I disagree, It a purposeful journey, that happens with effort, over time though the work of getting to know yourself, taking the time to learn from your past, finding ways to grow, find respect and kindness for yourself. When you get to the place of truly loving yourself, others will follow.

Edited August 1, 2010 by GrayClouds

[bonpaw2008]

Hi Bon!

 

You know what? I think we tend to search for a certain type of person everytime we fall in love. For example, a friend of mine is afraid of having a meaningful relationship so she always falls for guys who are married, have a girlfriend, etc, because she knows deep down inside that she won't have a full relationship with then and it's so hard to break the pattern.

And we are accustomed to being with someone by our side, loving someone, sharing our lives with someone, and sometimes we can't find ourselves on our own.

 

I think that in your case, you should try and work on being someone for yourself first, without needing someone to boost your ego or to make you happy. It's terribly difficult, but it's not about the person you get involved with but how you manage that situation instead.

 

Maybe I'm speaking nonsense but I guess the first step is to recognize what we need to change, what our flaws are, and then move to working on them, so you're on the right path for me

 

Hope you are well today Lull - been thinking about you...

 

I agree with what you said, it is not about the person that I got involved in, it is about myself and my own self-worth, and my strength to be able to walk away from a bad situation instead of staying and fighting until the bitter end. If I did have my **** together this would have never happened, I would have left him in the dust before I got this hurt.

 

I did a ton of self-examination and I do know my flaws. I really thought I knew what I wanted, but I put it all on myself to try to fix him, some things should stay broken.

[bonpaw2008]

With all do respect bonpaw, you speak of your "Co-dependence" like a badge of courage, of some affliction without a cure. You said you took some counseling for the guilt.

 

You also said you tried to break the pattern. But pattern do not break with one big step. It take small incriminate step done with repetition. I suspect you did not allow yourself the time and practice to get there, Instead you move into a new realtionship thinking it would mean you were a new you. But you did not give yourself the time to grow and fix the issue.

 

 

Now how about some more counseling for the Co-dependence? Figure out why you are like you are, then how to develop healthy boundaries, how to find happiness taking care of yourself. Then you will not choose the emotionally unavailable. Do you not see you went out and selected the perfect person to live up to your narrative of co-dependent; if your doing all of the give they do not have to. You got the realtionship you thought you deserved.

 

For until you start believing every problem is not yours to fix, a realtionship is mutually giving, and love is something someone gives you not owes you, your not going to get the love you do deserve.

 

.

 

I didn't mean the co-dependence thing to sound like a badge of honor, I had a really difficult childhood (duh, didn't we all??) that at 8 I was expected to be the adult in the house because my mother was incapable. It is something that I worked through years ago, and truthfully thought I had cured or at least put into remission until this relationship.

 

I agree that you have to practice something over and over again to make it stick, but how do you practice? You make the wrong choice with the wrong guy and then see if you can get yourself out of it? I worked for over 2 years after my marriage ended to get rid of the guilt, and to figure out what I want out of life and from a partner. I really thought I was ready....

 

I did fall into the same patterns. I was happy with myself and being alone for two years but as soon as this guy came along it all went out the window. Why? I had healthy boundaries, I took care of myself (and everyone else of course) .... But when it came to this guy I threw everything about me out, sacrificed myself and my needs/beliefs to make him happy. WHY?? I am sure you are right about the counseling that is the only way to know for sure why this happened...

 

I totally appreciate the advice and your objective point of view. Back to self-examination and hermit-ness until I can get my **** together enough to pick the right guy....

[bonpaw2008]

I disagree, It a purposeful journey, that happens with effort, over time though the work of getting to know yourself, taking the time to learn from your past, finding ways to grow, find respect and kindness for yourself. When you get to the place of truly loving yourself, others will follow.

 

 

I agree - I put that up over a week ago when I thought that love was all about destiny and fate

[GrayClouds]

Healthy boundaries goes both ways. That part of knowing when not to help, what problem are not yours, knowing when others need to find their own strength and way is just as important as taking care of yourself.

 

When you feel that need to rush in and fix, ask yourself why? Did they ask for help? Are you trying to relieve your own stress? Do you think they will love you more for it?

 

Back to self-examination and hermit-ness until I can get my **** together enough to pick the right guy....

that is true but it is also going out and learning to think before instinct kick in.

 

Good luck.

[bonpaw2008]

Do you think they will love you more for it?

 

 

 

Good luck.

 

 

Hit the nail on the head

[HighPlainsDrifter]

OK Gray - so what happens when you really have everything you want out of life, everything but that special person that actually gives a **** about you wants to spend time with you doesn't want to stomp on you?

 

I am older than SMK, I have a great career, two great kids, awesome support system....unfortunately I am co-dependent and I am only happy when I am taking care of others and rarely do things for myself. I really tried to break that pattern when I got divorced. Neither one of us were happy, we were just going through the motions, he was mean and selfish and I had enough. So I ripped apart my family (which I thought was terribly selfish for a long time, that took some counseling to get over the guilt) for me....to make myself happy. Unfortunately most of my friends sided with the ex so I had to build relationships all over again.

 

So I get through that, I know what I want, what will make me happy, and then this happens....I let myself fall for an emotionally unavailable man that stomps on me....so is what I want supposed to be nothing from anyone else?? Because when I am happy wiith someone else they always disappoint me, leave, don't care??

 

I appreciate your advice.

 

Oh Jeeze Paw. I just have to post in this thread, as it could also be written about me as well. I am discovering MY co dependence too. It's not a pretty discovery and I'm embarrassed about it.

 

I also have a terrific life on the outside. I'm a single, successful, handsome (ok, my opinion), and fun person with so much going for me. It's just that I can't find the person I want to share it with, and you can have everything in the world, but it doesn't mean crap if you have no one to share it with. I guess that's where the co dependency part comes in.

 

As you are well aware, I got myself mixed up with a separated, but still married woman. I see now that it was a mistake, but it was still so wonderful while it lasted.

 

I can relate to you wondering if you're supposed to want nothing from anyone else. I feel the same way. I've had this wall up for so long and when I finally broke it down, it blew right up in my face again. I have no idea why things happened the way they did other than my ex got "scared" because she was back in a committed relationship while she still hadn't finished her divorce. I guess I chose wrong!

 

I think the real part of my co dependency is that I am accepting this treatment, and am more concerned about her well being than my own. I feel like I'm low on self esteem because this guy she's apparently with doesn't match up to me in any form, but she's apparently with him instead because its not serious!?!? What a mess.

 

I don't know how one becomes happy just by yourself. It seems mighty selfish to me, but maybe that's what the secret is. I don't know the secret though... unfortunately...

 

Thanks for listening to my rant and I'm on your side paw.

[Beeotch]

I honestly do not believe there is a way to be codependent and happy....

 

Reason being is that, human beings are only human beings. You really can't put your happiness in the hands of others. No one's duty on earth is to make anyone else happy. Therefore when we expect that of others, it leads to disappointment. It calls for placing too much on a person that they cannot give. If they cannot give it but you keep doing expecting it = disappointment. I've learned that and that has helped me a lottt!

 

I also understand that one cannot stop being codependent overnight and people are always a work in progress...speaking of that: here's a link to a website by an author Byron Katie called "The Work", that addresses just that and how our thought patterns lead to our misery....it is quite interesting and helped me to gain a lot of perspective: http://www.thework.com/thework.php

[GrayClouds]

I suggest picking up the book I suggest the book "Women Sex and Addiction" by Kasl. While the main point of the book is Addiction, there is also of the best writing about Co-dependency and healthy realtionship, special from a women perspective.

[bonpaw2008]

Thanks to GC and B for the advice and reference materials. I am a reader, but funny I haven't picked up a "real" book in a week since I found this forum....

 

I woke up feeling ok today. I didn't have that crushing loss feeling in my chest first thing, which was a blessing. I know that I miss the thought of him, the need for someone that wants to be with me and validates me as a loving person, I really don't miss him as a person that much. Kind of sad because the amount of contact that we had for a year and a half and I really considered him a friend, my best friend, but I don't miss the whining and BS and immaturity....mostly I don't miss the hot and cold of our relationship, it is like with NC my rollercoaster has stopped....

 

I am avoiding FB because I am afraid I will stalk. Even though I really don't care what he is doing, I don't know if I am strong enough not to look thus I don't know how it will affect me. I have deleted him from mine but his profile is wide open...just need to stay away for a while longer.

 

I feel stronger, and I know what I need to do. I need to value myself as a person, I need to not pick people that are toxic and bad for me just because I am looking for a new pet project of someone to fix. Concentrate on myself, the kids, the people that value me. If there is a next time I will be stronger, I will trust my instincts and not just ignore them because I am stubborn, want to "win", or feel like I can save the world. There is only one person that needs saving now and that is me.

[bonpaw2008]

So I get a text last night from him, saying "Yea. Mondays are weird wo u too"

 

**** you M, everything is ****ing weird without me!!! You engrained yourself in my gd life, constant contact for 18 months, of course this is weird!!!

 

 

**** you M, **** you

[smk]

You show em whose boss... Lol....

[bonpaw2008]

I will show him nothing, because he does not deserve my contact. Weird?? Try heartbreaking, torturing, pain, agony....I get "weird"

 

**** you

[HighPlainsDrifter]

I will show him nothing, because he does not deserve my contact. Weird?? Try heartbreaking, torturing, pain, agony....I get "weird"

 

**** you

 

I feel for you Paw. WTH is "weird" supposed to mean??

Maybe he just doesn't know how to express himself properly...

Seems pretty empty and I feel your frustration.

Stay strong today my friend...

[bonpaw2008]

I feel for you Paw. WTH is "weird" supposed to mean??

Maybe he just doesn't know how to express himself properly...

Seems pretty empty and I feel your frustration.

Stay strong today my friend...

 

Thanks a ton for the support you guys!

 

Two good things happened to me today, I just got A HUGE PROMOTION so I will have absolutely no time to sit here and pine and be ****ed up

 

AND I sold the concert tickets that I bought him for his BD!!!! ****er, isn't that WEIRD that I wouldn't just give them to you after all the heartache and **** that you put me through?? Go find another sucker....

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Thanks a ton for the support you guys!

 

Two good things happened to me today, I just got A HUGE PROMOTION so I will have absolutely no time to sit here and pine and be ****ed up

 

AND I sold the concert tickets that I bought him for his BD!!!! ****er, isn't that WEIRD that I wouldn't just give them to you after all the heartache and **** that you put me through?? Go find another sucker....

 

Congratulations and nice work on selling the tickets Paw.

You are a STRONG woman and something like this doesn't mess you up at all. I admire your strength and courage!

 

Pass some over my way please...

 

Again, way to go on your promotion!!

[bonpaw2008]

UGH!!! More ****ing contact....his dead beat loser friend that has owed me $$ for Opening Day tickets since APRIL .... all of a sudden he needs to know how much he owes me....plus I was at a Tiger game with the kids today and he had to give me a "go Tigers"...

 

Why, when things are finally turning around, I am getting my feet under me, stuff is going great do I have to deal with this ****???? It is like he knows that things are good and he is rolling in to **** everything up....selfish prick....

[HighPlainsDrifter]

UGH!!! More ****ing contact....his dead beat loser friend that has owed me $$ for Opening Day tickets since APRIL .... all of a sudden he needs to know how much he owes me....plus I was at a Tiger game with the kids today and he had to give me a "go Tigers"...

 

Why, when things are finally turning around, I am getting my feet under me, stuff is going great do I have to deal with this ****???? It is like he knows that things are good and he is rolling in to **** everything up....selfish prick....

 

Sorry Paw,

 

Seems like it's not an accident though. He's probably behind all this. I know you're strong as heck though, and you will get through this. I have used some of your strength to keep me from breaking my contact. It's kind of worked.

 

Sounds like we both have selfish ex's who enjoy having us to play with. Sorry hun... Oh how they like control...

[smk]

Paw good on you on the promotion - congratulations....

 

And you seem to be doing great on ditching te ex - well done... Take the money his friend owes you, and ignore the ex and tell the friend to stay away...

 

 

You are doing great keep it up...

[RedDevil66]

This thread screams my name.

 

I'm in my mid 40's have a good job, in school, have my own home, good friends and a pretty happy life, but I can't seem to be in healthy relationships.

I never really knew or understood I was codep until I went into Al Anon last year.

 

My current troubled relationship of 5 yrs is with a recoverying alcoholic. When we met, I was pretty strong and didnt take cr*p and also didn't see the signs he was so needy.

Well maybe I saw them, but didn't realize them.

In time, I lost my power and gave it over to him <---- codie!

 

My ex before him was a drug addict. All functional addicts mind you, not fall down, on welfare in the cutter type. I just needed to pick the "fixer upppers".

Why, well then I would not have to focus on me. Broken people will not see my faults and accept me.

It's really about self esteem when it gets to this point.

 

In any case, I've done more reading and learned more about codep than I ever wanted to. The things I discovered are, all humans have codie traits. Especially women who are the care givers, the mothers and the nurturers.

It's tough to determine what is healthy and unhealthy care giving since all care giving is loving.

It's when it starts to become our ONLY focus, is when it becomes unhealthy.

 

You can find the most perfect man with few issues and emotionally stable and if you have no boundaries, it still will become an unhealthy relationship.

 

Most relationships are codependent. It's trying to make the relationship interdependent that's the key.

[bonpaw2008]

This thread screams my name.

 

I'm in my mid 40's have a good job, in school, have my own home, good friends and a pretty happy life, but I can't seem to be in healthy relationships.

I never really knew or understood I was codep until I went into Al Anon last year.

 

My current troubled relationship of 5 yrs is with a recoverying alcoholic. When we met, I was pretty strong and didnt take cr*p and also didn't see the signs he was so needy.

Well maybe I saw them, but didn't realize them.

In time, I lost my power and gave it over to him <---- codie!

 

My ex before him was a drug addict. All functional addicts mind you, not fall down, on welfare in the cutter type. I just needed to pick the "fixer upppers".

Why, well then I would not have to focus on me. Broken people will not see my faults and accept me.

It's really about self esteem when it gets to this point.

 

In any case, I've done more reading and learned more about codep than I ever wanted to. The things I discovered are, all humans have codie traits. Especially women who are the care givers, the mothers and the nurturers.

It's tough to determine what is healthy and unhealthy care giving since all care giving is loving.

It's when it starts to become our ONLY focus, is when it becomes unhealthy.

 

You can find the most perfect man with few issues and emotionally stable and if you have no boundaries, it still will become an unhealthy relationship.

 

Most relationships are codependent. It's trying to make the relationship interdependent that's the key.

 

Hi Red! Thanks for posting. That is pretty funny, in my early 20s I really thought that I was the person that was turning these normal, nice guys into total needy crazy people I worked through my issues with choosing the wrong guy, got married to a completely different type of man, but things still fell apart..

 

With this one I fell right back into my old patterns. Maybe it was because I knew him from 20 years ago, maybe he was just so broken I really just wanted to make everything better for him. Truthfully you hit the nail on the head, he was so messed up that I thought he would not see all things wrong with me, including guilt from the divorce, raising my kids alone, no self-esteem, etc.

 

I appreciate that he needs help, but I am not the one who can provide it. I still have a ton of work to do on myself, no one else is getting any more of me until I fix myself.

 

Funny thought I just had, is this board feeding our co-dependence??

[bonpaw2008]

I am getting through it today. I still have this nagging feeling about rejection, why he didn't want me, what wasn't good enough, but for the most part I know that I did the best I could and that I need to work on myself to be better, not for him but for me...

 

I was telling a gal that works for me about my promotion, me leaving and the changes that were happening. She was crying saying how much she was going to miss me, and I thought for the first time, this promotion is a life-changing thing for me and I can't even be scared, nervous, excited, etc. because of all the **** I am feeling for this stupid man.

 

Priorities people priorities, it is about us, not them.....