TwilightKnight Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. This year has been very tough on him with his mom going to the hospital, him losing his job, them losing the house they grew up in, and having to move to a place they would rather not be. I have watched and simply waited trying to be there for him anyway possible. We were fine when everything smoothed out but now it’s summer and I really want to see him. I miss him so much I cry at night but when we talk we argue because when we finally talk I get so mad at him for not talking to me other times. At the beginning it started off with him answering but with one word answers to my texts, or seeming annoyed when I would call. I slowed down on my texting because I figured something happened. He doesn’t usually tell me when bad things happen until he absolutely has to. He has really cut himself off from me, and I personally need attention and affection, but I just want his attention and affection so it bothers me even more. As time went on he told me it’s not me that at times he just closes himself off and that he doesn’t talk to anyone at all. And that he doesn’t even talk to his best friend…so I tried to take that. But after a week of only talking here and there and then a week of nothing at all and then continuing I snapped. I cried and yelled at him. I wanted to break up but he said no. and we stayed together. A lot of my friends said that he may not want me anymore and that scared me, so I asked him. The more I asked the more he stopped talking and then I snapped again because I couldn’t take it. After I stopped crying he called me and he promised to try and talk to me more. We talked about 2 or three times a week after that. But after 4 days of not talking to me and then being stressed out by work and such I grew upset. I told him it’s not fair, that it seems I can’t call him for anything any more. That when I’m sad and want to talk to him he doesn’t comfort me. That when I text him and really need him just to say “hey babe how are you” he doesn’t even do that. He got upset and told me he wasn’t even sure he wanted to be in a relationship right now. And so after some thought and taking a few steps back from him I asked him if he wanted to take a break, but once again he said no. We recently spoke but we had a bit of a fight because an ex of mine he does not like contacted me, and I told him I wasn’t even talking to the kid. My boyfriend is not the jealous type, he does not like the guy because one day he disrespected him and that was all. Now…it has been about a day and I have not heard back from him. Every time I get scared I over react but he isn’t saying anything to make it better. I don’t’ know if I should wait for him, wait for classes to begin and have things to do such as homework and classes, plus activities so he can have the true (emotional) space he needs from me, or if I’m being foolish for waiting for him. When I ask him things like “do you miss me” he says “yes and no”. when I ask him if he wants to see me he says things like “I guess” and I’m just tired of fighting. I love him so much and I know he is going through a lot and I don’t’ want ot be that girlfriend that doesn’t care about what is going on around him…but he is cutting me off I “Don’t” know what’s going on around him and it’s like I’m understanding what I don’t’ understand. What should I do?
bonpaw2008 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Hi - you sound an awful lot like me. We don't want anyone to hurt, we want to fix things. Because you were possibly in a co-dependent relationship. I was.. and had no idea that I was until I was told what a "co-dependent relationship" was. "Codependency or codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others." You need to stop all contact with this guy. He quit you, and you are just making it more clear why every time you talk to him, bug him, ask him questions like "do you miss me?" What is the answer you are looking for there? No answer is going to be good for you. If he missed you he would ask to be your bf again. NC is for you. It is to get yourself back. You have been carrying this guy and his problems on your back for too long. I don't know if they just take us for granted after a while, don't want to be saved, or what. But guess what, his problems are his problems. You have your own to deal with. You need to work on your self-esteem and why you got in this situation to begin with. When you get so needy and reliant on someone else, there is something lacking within yourself. So use this time to make yourself better, do something you always wanted to do....anything but talking to your ex, about your ex.... Best of luck, there are so many great people here and this has helped me greatly.
Author TwilightKnight Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 We aren't broken up so he's not an ex, i tried a few times but he keeps saying no. i even tried to make him take space from me and he just comes back later that day saying he wants to try harder or something. yes I am co-dependent that's why i am trying the NC but i can't even do it to an extreme because i want things to work out. I guess I'm being foolish. I have been doing a lot, like working out, going out with my friends, and just spending the day working or tiring myself out so i won't contact him. i was clingy but i took huge steps back from that. i do more things for myself, and when he contacts me i am pleasant towards him. he promised to open up slowly to me but all i want to know is why he shut himself off in the first place. i know he isn't cheating or dishonoring me, and with what's lacking in me, i know what is up with me in a way. I just want to finish school and go into my career and sadly i just feel if things dont' finish working with him i won't care about relationships really. i have too much to do for me personally.
bonpaw2008 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 We aren't broken up so he's not an ex, i tried a few times but he keeps saying no. i even tried to make him take space from me and he just comes back later that day saying he wants to try harder or something. yes I am co-dependent that's why i am trying the NC but i can't even do it to an extreme because i want things to work out. I guess I'm being foolish. I have been doing a lot, like working out, going out with my friends, and just spending the day working or tiring myself out so i won't contact him. i was clingy but i took huge steps back from that. i do more things for myself, and when he contacts me i am pleasant towards him. he promised to open up slowly to me but all i want to know is why he shut himself off in the first place. i know he isn't cheating or dishonoring me, and with what's lacking in me, i know what is up with me in a way. I just want to finish school and go into my career and sadly i just feel if things dont' finish working with him i won't care about relationships really. i have too much to do for me personally. If he is too much of a coward to break up with you but can't answer simple questions, you need to take the initiative. He doesn't want to tell you that he is done with you because he wants you to always be there. I am sure you are the best thing in his life. He sounds like he has to work on himself and you need to let him. You have a lot to do on your own, and you are stepping in the right direction. Just continue to do what you are doing. If he continues to not make any effort you will know that he is done. This doesn't have anything to do with you, it is him and his issues. Don't take the blame, don't let him manipulate you or string you along. I went through it, it has only been two weeks but I feel stronger. I know that I clung when he ran and that I am not to blame for his problems. Get strong, you can do this....
Author TwilightKnight Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 If he is too much of a coward to break up with you but can't answer simple questions, you need to take the initiative. He doesn't want to tell you that he is done with you because he wants you to always be there. I am sure you are the best thing in his life. He sounds like he has to work on himself and you need to let him. You have a lot to do on your own, and you are stepping in the right direction. Just continue to do what you are doing. If he continues to not make any effort you will know that he is done. This doesn't have anything to do with you, it is him and his issues. Don't take the blame, don't let him manipulate you or string you along. I went through it, it has only been two weeks but I feel stronger. I know that I clung when he ran and that I am not to blame for his problems. Get strong, you can do this.... Thank you for your honesty, you have really helped me. i know i can't do anything for him because as you have said his problems are his own. i am paitent, well i have grown more patient over the past 2 months and i learned from my last relationship if you don't give the other space they will shut you out and in the end may indefinably leave (it's what i did in the end). I Guess i will wait. i just wanted to make sure it wasn't just me. i do love him, and i know when things happen he takes a step back. guess it has bothered me so much becuase it's been so long. We are still young, and i hope he figures out he needs me before i finally take a step in the direction of being alone and unhappy, then with someone and miserable.I will begin Semi-NC again, where i just never contact him first...ever. he has to say something to me and i shall respond. and we will go from there. Thank You again.
bonpaw2008 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Thank you for your honesty, you have really helped me. i know i can't do anything for him because as you have said his problems are his own. i am paitent, well i have grown more patient over the past 2 months and i learned from my last relationship if you don't give the other space they will shut you out and in the end may indefinably leave (it's what i did in the end). I Guess i will wait. i just wanted to make sure it wasn't just me. i do love him, and i know when things happen he takes a step back. guess it has bothered me so much becuase it's been so long. We are still young, and i hope he figures out he needs me before i finally take a step in the direction of being alone and unhappy, then with someone and miserable.I will begin Semi-NC again, where i just never contact him first...ever. he has to say something to me and i shall respond. and we will go from there. Thank You again. I am glad to help because I get so much from all of the people around here. Starting to focus on yourself is going to give you nothing but benefits.... Change this line though to being alone and HAPPY. Only you can make you happy....you have the power. Don't give him the power to make you happy or miserable any longer. You rock! Make your own destiny, do what you think is right, don't wait around for it to happen to you
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