deb_edd1 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 hi, this is my first time on here, just hoping some one can make better sense of things than me. I've been with my husband for 10yrs now, weve been married for 3yrs, we have been having problems for a while now, he has frequent times when he decides to cut all his emotions off from me, tells me he no longer loves me and wants to leave, he has left me a few times, but always comes back. Then things will go really well for a while and then bang the mood change again. I ask him why he keeps coming back and he says that its because he feels sorry for me, but i dont believe that. He only comes back when i break off all contact, and he has been caught spying on me in the past when he has left. We have talked in detail alot about why he behaves this way, he said that he's bored and he loves me less and less each time he comes back, and now he's saying he has no feelings left for me at all. Yet he still sleeps with me. I did all the crying and pleading and all the hideous things that make me want to die from embarrassment. Like every one says it dosn't work, it just makes you look pathetic, and no one likes pathetic. So i sat him down and i said, hey you know i agree with you, our marriage is not working this way, neither of us is happy with how it is going, so we can do 2 things, we can have time apart to think weather or not we can try again with things being different, or we can accept that weve had our time and move on. I said to him that he cant keep walking away and letting me grieve the relationship, then deciding to come back weeks later. I agreed to giving him space to make up his mind what he wanted to do. I have moved out of the house, i'm stopping with my daughter. we have had contact every day, but it has been simple and light. we agreed to have a meal together on friday night, but i was feeling really negative so decided to cut the visit short. I was upbeat and happy infront of him, not showing him how i really felt. i told him that i was glad for the time apart as i could think more clearly now. I said i could see where i went wrong and that i was sorry, for not appreciating him and not being responsive to his needs, he admitted he had wrongs too. i said well lets not dwell on it, lets look forward instead of back. I told him that what ever decision he made i would respect, I said i would be upset if it was finally over after the 10 yrs weve shared, and been through so much together. But i was glad we had them 10 yrs, and he would always be special to me. I said also not to be scared or feel sorry for me if it was the end, because i'm stronger than even i thought and i'm quite willing to move forward, with or without him. all he said was just give me time. Yesterday i went home to get some things thinking that he would not be there because usually he spends saturdays with his dad. i didnt text or ring first because im trying to limit contact. i was suprised to see him there. I appologised on my intrusion and explained that i thought he would not be there. we spent most of the day chatting about this and that, not mentioning the relationship at all. cut a long story short we ended up in bed, which i totally regret, he had no emotion at all, i just acted calm about it and said i had to go, as i'd been far too long as it was. he said thats good because he was going out anyway, he walked out of the door with me, he did approach me to kiss me, i turned so he could kiss my cheek. i was still upbeat and chirpy even though i was dying inside. before i got in the car i said to him again, look i'm happy with any decision you make, i said you must think there is some kind of a chance or you would have packed and left by now so i can come home " the house is in my name and i have a child from a previous marriage" he said he dint even think about that. so i replied well you need to think and let me know, if you think we have a chance but you still need more space, or your sure you want to leave and there's no way back, what ever u decide i will be fine with, i just need to know what i am waiting for. he agreed to think things through. If he really wanted it to be over he would have packed and gone by now right? why does he keep doing this to me? it really really hurts and i'm tired of being in limbo, i want to move forward without pushing him away, what do i do? were ment to be having tea together tomorrow night, i'm not going to contact him untill then. any advice will be very welcome because my head is all over the place
hopesndreams Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 If he really wanted it to be over he would have packed and gone by now right? Ummm...No. He's quite comfy living in your house. Why you left is beyond me. He isn't working on the M, he should be the one to leave the home. Have you investigated the possibility of there being another woman? Most of those "undecided" about what to do is mainly because who they really, really think they want to be with are undecided. Perhaps she is married too. Giving him all the time in the world for him to make a decision is total bs. You need to make the decision for him. Be tough, be strong and show him you are no longer his backup plan. Move back into your home.
Corporate Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 All you're saying to him is: "I am a doormat, you can sleep with me when you want, you can go out and F any women you want, and you can live here for free." "You do all the decisions as whether or not your want to get rid of me. You decide ALL and I am the follower and will go with anything YOU decide, my King." That sure will earn you lots of respect from him.
spriggig Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 (edited) The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. Tomorrow at tea he is going to leave you. And, then in a few weeks or months, he's going to want to come back. I suggest you let this play out. While he is gone, which you need to enforce with NC, figure out what you were responsible for in your half of the marriage. Especially, deal with any hidden guilt you may have and forgive yourself. You can only work on you. Ideally, what you want to do is get back to the person you were when you met him, the person he fell in love with. And, when he comes back you need to continue to be that person every day. Unfortunately, he needs to do the same, but he's not on this site getting help, he's going to be off doing whatever until he comes back. So, he's going to be the same and you're going to be different. It takes two to make a marriage and only one to break it. At that point, maybe Individual Counseling will help you both, if he's willing. There is a chance he won't come back this time, just like he's saying. So, you need to be ready to walk the walk. Edited August 1, 2010 by spriggig
YellowShark Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 why does he keep doing this to me? I would ask him to go be tested for BiPolar disorder. Sounds like he is manic - (he wants you) - and then depressed - (he needs "space".) Google Bipolar symptoms. Couldn't hurt.
Confused_in_canada Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Wow is that tough. It's no fun being in limbo. When we dribble on the edge of staying or going both of you get hurt but, it seems to me as it is only you that's getting hurt. I would definitely move back into the house as it is yours after all but, simply say to him, one way or the other. Stay or go but, don't leave me hanging. It's hard but, it might be best for you guys just to part ways. Sell the house. Find a different place to live so that he then HAS to find a place to live and perhaps start over... Hope that helps...
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