ladydesigner Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 well, my poor H isnt a poor H at all. i lived in a marriage for all of the reasons that are wrong. i was scared, afraid to leave, he had another life probably other women and our M was a mere living arrangement that worked for the 2 of us. there is not really the feelings of betrayal, as my affair was much much less of anything that he had ever done to me. our marriage was over and deteriorating before the A started. it may have sealed the deal and was a cowardly way of going about it. but i do credit my MM for giving me the strength to get out and for allowing me to see that the reasons i was staying married were not good ones. the job. i cannot change at the moment because my stbxh is unemployed (due to his issues that lead to our D) and i carry benefits needed for our children. in the next few weeks i will be taking a new position in the same company but will not be seeing mm as frequently. at the end of the year i will be taking a new job and will no longer be working there at all. because of the things i have lined up, it would be crazy of me leave before my new job is available in december. i just dont understand why i cant see him for what he is. my head understands it. but my heart still misses him. oh...and i dont have a problem with my H informing her at all....but he claims he didnt do it. and so we all have the question well if it wasnt him, then who knew, and knew with enough conviction that they would inform the spouses. if it was my H i would understand why he would do something like that, but since he says it wasnt him its a big question in my mind. Sweetie first of all sorry you are hurting. I have also experienced this pain that you are in. The part bolded is the only part I remember now, is who my XAP really is. A fake and a user. I own my part too, I'm not innocent by any means but my XAP has been knocked off the pedestal I placed him on. That pedestal will be forever broken and for good. You will get through this and survive this and learn from this. I think to be human is to error, but we need to learn from our errors to not allow them to happen ever again. I am not from the side that it is all black or white there are certainly areas of gray as well. I was a BS before I became a RMOW so I understand the hurt from both sides. Sorry you find yourself here.
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 By the way, this is SO not true. It is absolutely no one's right, except for the spouse him or herself, to "inform" the BS of the affair. Whether or not they "deserve to know" or "would want to be told" is something no one else can judge for another. It is a selfish and horrible thing to do to the person who has been betrayed, to hear that from a stranger. It should come from the wandering spouse, if it's to come at all, and that is a decision to be made within the M, not from someone outside of it, no matter how "right" you may think it is. For all you know, depending on the dynamics of the M, you could be destroying it rather than "enlightening" the BS. "if it's to come at all?" WTH? If I'm getting cheated on, exposed to potentially LIFE ENDING diseases, and generally wasting my energy in a relationship... It's MY RIGHT TO KNOW. Who are you to say otherwise? Bottom line... if the Cheating Spouse wants to tell he/she has more time than anyone else to do so. If one BS feels the need to inform the other... that is their right, and I can't imagine a good person suggesting otherwise.
Spark1111 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 well, my poor H isnt a poor H at all. i lived in a marriage for all of the reasons that are wrong. i was scared, afraid to leave, he had another life probably other women and our M was a mere living arrangement that worked for the 2 of us. there is not really the feelings of betrayal, as my affair was much much less of anything that he had ever done to me. our marriage was over and deteriorating before the A started. it may have sealed the deal and was a cowardly way of going about it. but i do credit my MM for giving me the strength to get out and for allowing me to see that the reasons i was staying married were not good ones. the job. i cannot change at the moment because my stbxh is unemployed (due to his issues that lead to our D) and i carry benefits needed for our children. in the next few weeks i will be taking a new position in the same company but will not be seeing mm as frequently. at the end of the year i will be taking a new job and will no longer be working there at all. because of the things i have lined up, it would be crazy of me leave before my new job is available in december. i just dont understand why i cant see him for what he is. my head understands it. but my heart still misses him. oh...and i dont have a problem with my H informing her at all....but he claims he didnt do it. and so we all have the question well if it wasnt him, then who knew, and knew with enough conviction that they would inform the spouses. if it was my H i would understand why he would do something like that, but since he says it wasnt him its a big question in my mind. Hi anothersadstory. I am sorry for your pain. It is disilluioning to realize someone who claimed to love us did not have our best interests at heart. MM did have his W's when he started the affair; now you are sadly learning he did not have your's either. I am a fBS and my H had a long-term with a coworker. When DDAY struck, I threw him under the bus....He then threw her under in his frantic attempts to reconcile with me. One thing I want to point out to you --not to scare you or make you paranoid--but when I later attended a function at his job (She wasn't there) every secretary in the work place knew...and most of the other woman too. It was so humiliating as the BS to realize what had been obvious to everyone: their inappropriate relationship. So, it could have been anyone; an employee; a friend of the wife's; anyone. Does it matter? Truly? You cannot hide that vibe in the workplace, although H and OW thought they were being rediculously discreet. Put your head down; go to work; keep your nose clean and try to have the least amount of professional interaction with him as humanly possible. Meditate, gym, surround yourself with friends, see an IC. And start to get good and angry at how you were treated by this man. I wish you peace. Good luck.
Spark1111 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 How have they been hurt, please, if they do not know? I understand that often the WS treats the BS better during the A, for various reasons... It may well be that the BS has absolutely no clue as to why things have improved, which just makes the scenario even more sick, if they do not know the truth. So, so, so not true in most cases, although the WS will spin this to OW/OM., maybe to assuage their guilt... When someone is emotionally and physically invested elsewhere, they grow distant, unfeeling and sometimes, downright cold and critical. Why? Home, spouse, resonsibilities are keeping them away from their AP. They are just going through the motions at home. As a BS, you chalk it up to job stress, life stress, things you may or may not be doing, but you never assume an affair because you trust this person above all others. You grow lonely and despondent and wonder what you are doing wrong. Do not believe that old myth, because it most cases, it is untrue. And as for what they do not know can't hurt them, that is just selfish and sophmoric in the extreme. SG, what if your AP has another OW, one he spends time with when he claims to be home in his loveless marriage. One who says, what SG doesn't know can't hurt her. You love me best afterall. Let's not tell her for now. How would YOU feel?
Silly_Girl Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 So, so, so not true in most cases, although the WS will spin this to OW/OM., maybe to assuage their guilt... When someone is emotionally and physically invested elsewhere, they grow distant, unfeeling and sometimes, downright cold and critical. Why? Home, spouse, resonsibilities are keeping them away from their AP. They are just going through the motions at home. As a BS, you chalk it up to job stress, life stress, things you may or may not be doing, but you never assume an affair because you trust this person above all others. You grow lonely and despondent and wonder what you are doing wrong. Do not believe that old myth, because it most cases, it is untrue. And as for what they do not know can't hurt them, that is just selfish and sophmoric in the extreme. SG, what if your AP has another OW, one he spends time with when he claims to be home in his loveless marriage. One who says, what SG doesn't know can't hurt her. You love me best afterall. Let's not tell her for now. How would YOU feel? I saw this, my other half being sweet and attentive because he felt bad, but mostly because he didn't want me to look too hard. I don't advocate not telling at all. I think the motivation behind my post got lost as I typed it. I was curious as to why the OW should NOT tell the BS; the fact that 'she's been hurt enough' was the excuse. I don't believe that's a reason at all and was just arguing the other side of the coin. Even if she has had no particular impact as yet, she still deserves to know.
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