Feelings for another man

[janetg]

I have been with my partner for 5, nearly 6 years and we are very happy together. However, for the last 6 months or so I have developed feelings for one of our best friends.

This all started when he said a flirty comment to me. His girlfriend had cheated on him, we were out, and I was making a joke asking if he could see any attractive girls around. He then said something along the lines of "I can see one, I met her a few years ago but she's pretty much married so nothing is ever going to happen". I have been trying to fight the feelings I have for him very hard. I absolutely love my partner, he is amazing and adores me, I could never do anything to hurt him. However I find myself thinking about this other guy, I often dream about him, and I can't get him out of my head!

We are pretty close, and I helped him through his break up with his girlfriend, and we talk alot. He is a best friend of both me and my partner so it's not like I can just stop seeing him. He has never tried anything, and sometimes I wonder if he is flirting with me, but then it is so ambiguous that it may not be flirting at all! I find myself wondering if he feels the same way..

Can anyone give me any advice as to how I can get over this? I feel so terrible that I could even have these feelings when I have the most amazing partner who I love a lot. I would never act on these feelings but I feel like they are getting stronger.

[Bryanp]

Try to imagine that you did act on these feelings and your partner found out. Imagine him breaking up with you. Imagine him finding another woman to live with and cutting you our of his life forever. Imagine you making the biggest mistake of your life and never being able to fix it. Imagine.

[hopesndreams]

Why would someone that was cheated on be interested in helping someone cheat?

 

You might be reading into this more than what there is, because of above.

 

I feel sorry for the wonderful man that makes you happy.

 

I have the most amazing partner who I love a lot.

 

Your bf deserves real love and not the imitation love that you are giving him.

 

You won't break up with your bf until there is someone else to latch onto you. That disgusts me.

[GordonDarkfoot]

there's a difference between fantasy and reality

 

fantasy has no consequences

 

be sure you know the difference

[linwood]

 

You won't break up with your bf until there is someone else to latch onto you. That disgusts me.

 

I don`t know where the hell you got that from her post.

 

Projection maybe?

 

If you understood what "Love" was you wouldn`t say such a thing.

[norajane]

This all started when he said a flirty comment to me.

Too bad he planted the idea in your head. Since you didn't have feelings for him before that despite knowing him for years, understand that this is a fantasy crush and means nothing more than that.

 

Crushes fade. This one will, too.

 

In the meantime, divert all that fantasy and energy to your bf. When you catch yourself thinking about this guy, deliberately start thinking about your bf and whatever great thing he did for you yesterday, or the last time you had sex. Better yet, deliberately think about what great thing you can do for your bf today, or the next time you have sex, and do those things. Plan for fun, or romantic, or exciting, or new things you can do with your bf. Call your bf and tell him you were thinking about him...naked.

 

If you put all that energy into your relationship, your bf will notice and will do the same. That will strengthen your bond with him, and the flattering ego boost you get from this guy won't really mean as much as it does to you now.

[seibert253]

Bite the bullet and tell your partner what's going on and your feeling toward your friend.

 

Then your faced with the reality of ending all this and working to repair your relationship with your partner, because yes it's damaged and you caused this, you will come to reality.

 

What's going on with your friend is fantasy based. Not good for your relationship with your partner.

 

You need to take a step back into reality.

[Diamante]

Your situation sounds so strangely similar to mine, except that my xOM happened to be long-term married with kids.

 

My story started as a great friendship where we found an instant connection to each other. We could talk for hours about anything and everything and we started to finish each other's sentences almost right away. We just loved to hang out and talk. He pursed me constantly just to talk and hang out. Eventually, we both wanted to get closer and closer to each other and that magnetic pull was one of the strongest things I have ever felt. It was then that I realized, with the help of LS, that I was in an EA that was quickly heading towards a PA.

 

I ended things cleanly and finally just over 5 weeks ago. He has respected NC and so have I, even though it's been VERY hard (we use to text all day long and meet up 2-3 times a week, talking on the phone almost daily) Ultimately, I know I did the right thing and am finally seeing the situation for what it really was; the affair fog is lifting.

 

I have been with my fiance for 5 years now and I love him dearly. Our relationship is great and he absolutely adores me and puts me first above all others. Yet, somehow, like you, I found myself developing feelings for another man.

 

My love for my fiance, for myself, and respect for my XMOM's innocent family (whom I never met) are the reasons I ended my EA and walked away. My F does not deserve a cheater and I had to make a decision based on my moral compass and commitment to our R. You seem like you need to do the same, before things get out of hand. My XMOM would have happily had a full blown A with me if I allowed it, and knowing this, I forced the right decision for both of us. One day he will understand...

 

I do not agree with the poster who says you do not truly love your partner just because you have started to think about someone else. However, like many other posters have said, love is a choice and crushes fade if you redirect your energy to where it rightly belongs - to your partner.

 

Regardless of how happy you think your relationship is, you are obviously missing something to cause you to develop feelings for another man. You need to think long and hard about this. I see now that my xMOM had a few attractive male qualities that my F does not posses. However, my F has many other wonderful qualities that the OM doesn't have; the most important one being that he would not betray me or cheat on me (clearly I can't say the same for xMOM!) I am now working on bringing those missing elements into my R with my F. So far so good, I feel great, and I know I did the right thing when I look into my F's eyes and understand wholeheartedly that I chose him and our future together. I felt that I was tested by the universe and I passed!

 

Good luck to you and know you are not the only person who has experienced this. It's hard, but it is a challenge that will help you understand yourself better as a person.

 

Dia

Edited August 1, 2010 by Diamante

[Untouchable_Fire]

Can anyone give me any advice as to how I can get over this? I feel so terrible that I could even have these feelings when I have the most amazing partner who I love a lot. I would never act on these feelings but I feel like they are getting stronger.

 

Janet,

 

Your going to have to cut contact with this guy. That's the ONLY thing that will make this go away and help you heal. Also... what the heck is wrong with your relationship that you would even have feelings for another guy?

 

Also... it's going to be helpful to tell your "partner" about your feelings... not all but let him know whats up. That will help you stick to cutting contact with this guy. Otherwise your feelings won't ever... ever go away. In fact chances are they are just going to get stronger.

[Mimolicious]

Amazes me... How is it that I was with my xH since I was 17 till I was almost 30, being in a huge socialite lifestyle, working with 100's of powerful and attractive intelligent men, most of my bff's are men, I never developed these "feelings" and "crushes" (btw, I think those are for kids) or "connections" with any of these men? Not even when my xH betrayed me and swept the floor with my dignity. Why? BECAUSE I WAS NOT SEEKING this kind of "attention" from someone else. I actually got hit on by some of my xH's closest friends... what did I do? They were never welcome to come around and I actually told my xH. If there was something that I was going to be able to control i and that I was aware of, it was for anyone to respect me as such. Mr. Mimolicious W- even if he didn't. I can see why some of his friends thought that they can kick it to me, they knew what he was doing. Regardless, it started with me. I could have easily slept with all his friends. (darn it! that would have been good payback! jk!)

 

I'm probably going to get heat for this but these "connections" just don't happen. They are nurtured from an instant that you feel there is a posibility of having some fun. Someone plants the see and another waters it.... then WHAAALAH!

 

OP, I have a strong feeling that you will entertain some further "flirting" with your BFF. Don't be foolish and follow a fantasy. Many people get lost on the wayside and lose sense of reality. By the time they wake up, they are damaged, lost, hurt, confused, depressed and jaded. It is easier to walk away when there is nothing to remember or to forget. If you really love your BF, then back off out of this friendshipt. It's either your BF or your BFF, because eventually there wont be any "or" in between those two, it will be "and".

 

Tell your BF that you think your buddy is courting you. Let's see for how much longer he will be your mutual friend.

[Enchanted Girl]

You do not have to be friends with anyone. You are making excuses. If you told your partner that you and him had to stop being friends with this guy and the reasons why, he would gladly stop being friends with this guy, I'm sure, because it wouldn't be worth the risk of you cheating on him.

 

I've heard better reasons that people couldn't get away from someone, like that they worked with them. This is not the case for you. Being his friend is a completely voluntary thing and you don't have to be friends with him, even if your partner continues the friendship.

 

Distance yourself from him and the feelings will fade away. You already have an emotional affair with him, stop fanning the flame. Fight with him. Stop speaking to him. Think of all the reasons he's annoying. Do whatever you can to knock him off the pedastool you have him on right now because that's all it is, a pedastool.

 

Affairs never just accidentally happen, even if the person was drinking or whatever. People put themselves into bad situations first. This is what you are doing. Remove the bad situation and then you won't have to worry about whether or not you're strong enough to handle the temptation.

[lkjh]

This has happen because you allowed yourself to get too close to this guy. You need to start cutting excess contact with him. You are a woman and he is a man and you need to recognize this and realize that in the wrong situation our animalistic side can outweigh our logical side.

[norajane]

It's either your BF or your BFF, because eventually there wont be any "or" in between those two, it will be "and".

 

Actually, if she doesn't step back from this, it will be "neither her BF, nor the BFF". Because she will lose both of them. She will destroy her relationship with her BF, and the relationship between BF and BFF since they are now friends, and the relationship with BFF because THAT won't work out under these circumstances. She will end up with nothing.

[Binster]

I was amazed when I started looking on this forum at how little joy anyone gets from an affair. It just seems as though everyone ends up hurting.

 

If you continue with this you'll just be one more

.

Dump your friend or your partner but for everyones sake dont have an affair.

[Dexter Morgan]

I absolutely love my partner, he is amazing and adores me, I could never do anything to hurt him. However I find myself thinking about this other guy, I often dream about him, and I can't get him out of my head!

 

then you don't love your partner all that much then. when you love someone, nobody else would ever be able to shift your thoughts from him to another.

 

 

He is a best friend of both me and my partner so it's not like I can just stop seeing him.

 

thats very unfortunate for your partner.

 

 

He has never tried anything, and sometimes I wonder if he is flirting with me, but then it is so ambiguous that it may not be flirting at all!

 

well maybe you should just say to yourself that it isn't flirting at all, instead of hoping it is. ( i know i know, you didn't say you hoped for it....but you don't have to )

 

 

 

I find myself wondering if he feels the same way..

Can anyone give me any advice as to how I can get over this?

 

you could always tell your partner how you feel, that might give you the kick in the ass you need to stop obsessing over this other guy.

 

 

I feel so terrible that I could even have these feelings when I have the most amazing partner who I love a lot. I would never act on these feelings

 

I'll call bull on that. if you and this other guy found yourselves alone in a situation you figure your partner would never find out and he made a move, you wouldn't immediately push him away. you can say you would, but I'd bet good money that you wouldn't.

 

 

but I feel like they are getting stronger.

 

then maybe your partner isn't the one for you, and you sure aren't the one for him. unless he is ok with a partner that has designs on another guy.

[Bitterman24/7]

I would never act on these feelings but I feel like they are getting stronger.

 

If you never acted on these feelings, then why are you having intimate conversations with this man. If they are getting stronger then you should tell your spouse so that he can decide for himself whether he wants to stay with you or not.

[Mimolicious]

Actually, if she doesn't step back from this, it will be "neither her BF, nor the BFF". Because she will lose both of them. She will destroy her relationship with her BF, and the relationship between BF and BFF since they are now friends, and the relationship with BFF because THAT won't work out under these circumstances. She will end up with nothing.

 

Oh I totally agree but to get to the "neither-nor" level there has to be the in between first. You are way ahead of me Nora. LOL!

[IfiKnewThen]

my 2 cents. run for the hills. i have been there done that. i am NOT >>>>NOT preaching....

 

i have been a sinner and acted on my feelings. this is to forewarn you...the bible tells us not to do something..even in thought for a very good reason. because God knew before us...and in making us...that these are the things that ultimately hurt and destroy us when we go in this direction. so you wanted people here to persuade you to get out of this feeling you have for him. well read all the posts and trust someone who got hurt. RUN

 

seriously...it starts off as EA...then leads to PA. then there is guilt. then you have to justify the guilt and you continue onward with the OM. if he leaves you there is GREAT GREAT PAIN. devastating.................immobilizing pain and shock. and you THINK it cant happen to you. you understand each other..he love you too much. but honestly..he's just a man not a God and can hurt you TOO. if you leave him there is hurt..you dont know how he will react. love makes people do things. dont risk it. gosh i sound like a fatalist but ..dont play with your heart it also says in the bible you cant serve 2 masters. i learned that that can apply to sooooo many things. for me you cant fully love someone proper when you are distracted my someone else. each of these men will get less that they deserve. (or dont deserve).

 

be gentle on yourself. but think on good things with your partner. resist the temptation and pray for strength in doing so. God knows we are human. if you ever deviate from all this advise......let your partner know...your mind is wondering and then figure out whats can be wrong between the two of you that you thought were so perfect together. i actually think its possible to love 2 people. but is not possible to love them proper and any happiness come out of it without pain and misery in the end.

 

another bible quote: let the weak say i am strong. i wish i had paid attention to the good message before i made my life a totally mess.

[IfiKnewThen]

ps i didnt mean to sound so preachy. i am just trying to reach you to avoid the hurt and pain i am suffering now. you didnt do anything wrong. like the post before me says. all am trying to say is that....this feeling you have is a chemical reaction of feeling good and you can get addicted to it. everyone wants to feel wanted and good...

 

but you are not even claiming to have a bad relationship. RUN (LOL) ...seriously. R U N! do anything to get out of this feeling and trap. you dont need the heartache after all the "good feelings". they will make you forget you ever felt good.

[Bitterman24/7]

And don't listen to the idiots on here who say you are doing something wrong. You haven't yet. You are sound, seeking advice.

QUOTE]

 

So people who have a different perspective than you on her situation are idiots, eh?LMFAO!!!!:lmao:!!!!!

[Bitterman24/7]

[quote=wheelwright;2920027

 

Nope. But people who readily tell others they are already doing something wrong when they have not acted yet are idiots. The kind of idiots who string someone up and then say, woops I got it wrong.

 

IMHO, all people who incautiously say another is doing something 'wrong' haven't thought it through. It's judgemental. OK. You're right. Not idiots. Just foolish and unwise...

 

I only have one bugbear. It's intolerance. Yeah, I know it self defeats, but that's the way it is for me.

 

I agree that the judgemental perspective is different to mine, and that I am sometimes over the top in stating this. I got a lot of unhelpful abuse on LS at one time. And I needed clarity, not pithy self-righteous comments. I wanted OP to perceive this.

 

I will in future refer to posts rather than people -should have learnt that lesson. You caught me out, point taken

 

Intolerance to what? Why call someone an idiot based on their experiences and opinions. Besides she already acted on them. No matter how petty it sounds, she's already involved and the BS should be fully informed.

[hopesndreams]

I don`t know where the hell you got that from her post.

 

Projection maybe?

 

If you understood what "Love" was you wouldn`t say such a thing.

It's called reading between the lines.

 

What is bolded, is ludicrous.