Elefant.Fight Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Hi I've visited this site numerous times, and I'm amazed at all of this free advice and people willing to help each other. So, I signed up and this is my first post... I'm sorry it's a little long. My ex and I have kept contact over the past 2 1/2 months we have been broken up. Sometimes, it's friendly, more than friendly, and occasionally flat out mean. But, the past week she has been telling me she misses me more then words can explain. She told me that her new best girl friend that she is with ALL the time since our break up doesn't replace having me in her life and it is really hard. Well, we talked on the phone really late one night about old times and she told me she wanted to update her facebook status to "You never know what you had until it is gone". Since then, she has continuously hinted at wanting to reconcile. When I finally asked her about it she told me.. "I wish we could be together so bad, but we just can't do it". I KNOW she is scared because of our past together. I know I need to build up her trust again. I just don't know HOW. If I could just tip the scale... and somehow take away her fear, we could be together. And before you ask... that same day I did ask her that before I move on is she 100 percent sure that we can not work out and she never replied. I said fair enough and told her goodbye. She texted me later that night randomly talking about someting and I kind of had an attitude with her, and she broke down and told me they had found one of her close family memebers dead. So, I guess that would explain her no reply. I didn't talk to her any yesterday, just to give her space. But I've put her on a blacklist that automatically hangs up on her when she calls and rejects all her text. She gets really sad and hurt when ignore her, and I don't want to do that. However, I just can't talk to her until I figure things out. Does anyone know how I can work on this and possibly fix it? I don't feel like I'm chasing a dead end here because she wants this too. I'm willing to take time if necessary.
Ronni_W Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I KNOW she is scared because of our past together. I know I need to build up her trust again. I just don't know HOW. You're right that there's not a lot of emphasis placed on teaching us how to be trustworthy, nor on teaching us how to assess other people's trustworthiness. If your ex stopped trusting you, it means that you stopped being consistently truthful, reliable and self-responsible; that you stopped holding yourself accountable for the consequences of your words and actions; and that you stopped keeping your word and following-through on your promises. (The bolded words are elements of trust/trustworthiness and, to be perceived as being worthy of someone else's trust, you must demonstrate these qualities all the time.) HOW to show her that you can be trusted: Just start consistently role-modeling all those qualities. Be the guy that she CAN count on to do what he said he would do, when he said he would do it; and be the guy who takes proper and timely care of his own needs, responsibilities and obligations, and is able to own his mistakes and apologize when necessary. If, for her, it really is about her not trusting you, then the way to alleviate her fears that you are untrustworthy is for you to start being trustworthy, consistently and persistently, even when no one is looking. Best of luck.
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