About OW/OM urge to tell BS

[wheelwright]

For me, there isn't really a good reason to tell, but I can see where the urge might come from.

 

I was wondering if the stage makes a difference:

 

1. Pre-DDay telling by OW/OM (doesn't generally happen - self-preservation etc.)

 

2. Post-A pre DDay (you lost and you don't see why the AP is scot free in 'happy M')

 

3. Post A post DDAY (WS is minimizing AP to BS and AP finds this hard)

 

I found 1 and 2 easy peasy to deal with (no urge whatsoever), but 3 hard. Didn't act on 3 for many months NC, but eventually after love text from xMOM, I guess I did do 3 type telling. Mainly because I was messed up and a wierd opportunity presented itself (I wouldn't have sought it out).

 

My confusion was so great at that point, that I had no interest in telling BS, just in my own sanity.

 

Any thoughts? Does the stage make the telling different from your moral stance?

[GreenEyedLady]

This is just my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt.

 

I think it is in poor taste to tell when OW KNOWS MM is married with the intent to get the W to leave the MM or "tell on him."

 

I personally think that the only reason OW should tell the W is when she sees that she cannot function and go about life in a fairly happy way and she feels that by telling the W she will be out of the A forever.

 

I don't see why OW would ever betray MM. Broken down to common denominators, you are partners (some would argue in crime). Why at any point should betrayal factor in?

 

I guess some would argue that betrayal started at day 1. Maybe it did and maybe that's why there's any stage at all.

 

I think that the urge to tell is the urge to be known. Another selfish act. Yeah, at least the BS is informed but by the AP? What an even bigger blow.

 

I don't know exactly what I mean here but I cannot imagine betraying someone that I love or had loved.

 

IMHO.

 

GEL

[jj33]

I think it really depends. It depends on why you tell I think. The reasons can be so varied. Revenge isnt a good one it always backfires and makes you feel badly after I think.

 

But youd like to think people do the best that they can at the time. I regret having told on xMM. I didnt feel I had a choice at the time but it didnt do me any favors professionally and didnt help me in terms of the goal I wanted to accomplish (which was getting him to leave me alone).

[WTFBBQ]

A betrayed spouse ALWAYS has the right to know what their spouse is doing! Always.

[wheelwright]

you are partners (some would argue in crime). Why at any point should betrayal factor in?

 

I think that the urge to tell is the urge to be known. Another selfish act. Yeah, at least the BS is informed but by the AP? What an even bigger blow.

 

I don't know exactly what I mean here but I cannot imagine betraying someone that I love or had loved.

 

IMHO.

 

GEL

 

Agreed all.

 

Especially partners in crime. In my case, DDAy occurred because of xMOM, and I never would have instigated simply because of the 'honour among thieves' code.

 

I won't be trusting thieves anymore!

[wheelwright]

A betrayed spouse ALWAYS has the right to know what their spouse is doing! Always.

 

What about what they are feeling?

[wheelwright]

I think it really depends. It depends on why you tell I think. The reasons can be so varied. Revenge isnt a good one it always backfires and makes you feel badly after I think.

 

But youd like to think people do the best that they can at the time. I regret having told on xMM. I didnt feel I had a choice at the time but it didnt do me any favors professionally and didnt help me in terms of the goal I wanted to accomplish (which was getting him to leave me alone).

 

Agree about revenge.

 

What would have been the better action for you?

[YellowShark]

A betrayed spouse ALWAYS has the right to know what their spouse is doing! Always.

 

 

A word of caution. I did tell the BS about the affair between my EX and her husband... and she sided with her husband. I thought I was helping her find the truth and she refuses to even look me in the eye now.

 

Just a heads up that the result may not be what you expect.

[wheelwright]

A word of caution. I did tell the BS about the affair between my EX and her husband... and she sided with her husband. I thought I was helping her find the truth and she refuses to even look me in the eye now.

 

Just a heads up that the result may not be what you expect.

 

This comes back to whether we tell to have an effect on them, or on ourselves.

 

Yeah, if you want an effect on them, you may well not get it.

 

Good point about the motive.

[fooled once]

I am conflicted .... while I believe the wife should know what she is married to, I feel the OW/OM only tells because they are rejected and they want to get revenge on the MM/MW for staying with the spouse...they want to strike out and hurt the cheater and it is a "haha" to the wife. I find it completely hypocritical for a OW/OM ONLY want to tell AFTER the affair has ended. I find that vengeful and spiteful; because they weren't chosen.

 

But I do think the wife/husband needs to know the kind of person they are married to -- the kind that lies, betrays, slinks around in secret and are disrespectful. Especially when these cheaters invite a possible stalker and/or unhinged person into the marriage.

[wheelwright]

I am conflicted .... while I believe the wife should know what she is married to, I feel the OW/OM only tells because they are rejected and they want to get revenge on the MM/MW for staying with the spouse...they want to strike out and hurt the cheater and it is a "haha" to the wife. I find it completely hypocritical for a OW/OM ONLY want to tell AFTER the affair has ended. I find that vengeful and spiteful; because they weren't chosen.

 

But I do think the wife/husband needs to know the kind of person they are married to -- the kind that lies, betrays, slinks around in secret and are disrespectful. Especially when these cheaters invite a possible stalker and/or unhinged person into the marriage.

 

FO I anticipated you would reply to this thread. But I am disappointed because you did not speak about the three stages I discussed. I agree the revenge reason is always wrong, and on some level the BS should know.

 

Do you have any nuances to offer here?

[wheelwright]

I think it really depends. It depends on why you tell I think. The reasons can be so varied. Revenge isnt a good one it always backfires and makes you feel badly after I think.

 

But youd like to think people do the best that they can at the time. I regret having told on xMM. I didnt feel I had a choice at the time but it didnt do me any favors professionally and didnt help me in terms of the goal I wanted to accomplish (which was getting him to leave me alone).

 

I thought of something else to say here which has been on my mind.

 

Revenge isn't always so simple. We want to liberate ourselves from feeling enslaved by behaving to the best interests of others who have let us down sometimes. That's not revenge. It's emancipation. In As, I believe this happens more often than desire for revenge.

 

Our own peace of mind is the key factor, not someone else's life.

[bentnotbroken]

I guess I am of the thought, I typically don't care who tells the BS as long as they find out. And if they chose not to believe what is said, at least that seed is there is they wish to explore it at a later date. I believe that all things done for "evil" purposes can be used for good. So motive for me means very little.

[Fallen Angel]

The only good reason I can see for an OP to out the affair is in order to end it permanently. If they have ended the affair and the MP continues to break NC and forestall the healing process of the OP then outing the affair would likely have the consquence of the MP knowing without a doubt that the door has been slammed on that relationship for good.

 

Otherwise, I think OPs only out the affair as a way of seeking revenge or forcing a change to the affair dynamic. It is manipulation of the MP either way.

 

I can understand the desire for someone who wants there to be a change and sees nothing happening in that regard to out the affair in order to get some resolution either way. I can see that there can come a time when they feel enough is enough and outing the affair is the only way they feel they can force the MP off the fence. They should however know that this could go either way. *shrug* But I would suppose anyone who has reached that point, has tried everything else, and is ready to face the possibily of the relationship ending in way that is unfavorable to them.

 

In my case the affair was outted long ago. *shrug* So neither of these is a viable option for me. Though I suppose that if I ended the relationship with my sweetheart and he was harrassing me, I might put in a call to his wife just to see if she could run interference for me without me having to go to the police which could potentially be embarrassing for her as well.

[wheelwright]

I guess I am of the thought, I typically don't care who tells the BS as long as they find out. And if they chose not to believe what is said, at least that seed is there is they wish to explore it at a later date. I believe that all things done for "evil" purposes can be used for good. So motive for me means very little.

 

Oh boy. There's a whole new morality for me here. You don't worry about motive? No wonder we don't get each other!

 

And I'm so not with you on all things for evil purposes bit. Umm. Murder? Worse?

 

That's not where I come from. Motive is all. Well, it's psychology anyay.

[wheelwright]

The only good reason I can see for an OP to out the affair is in order to end it permanently. If they have ended the affair and the MP continues to break NC and forestall the healing process of the OP then outing the affair would likely have the consquence of the MP knowing without a doubt that the door has been slammed on that relationship for good.

 

Otherwise, I think OPs only out the affair as a way of seeking revenge or forcing a change to the affair dynamic. It is manipulation of the MP either way.

 

I can understand the desire for someone who wants there to be a change and sees nothing happening in that regard to out the affair in order to get some resolution either way. I can see that there can come a time when they feel enough is enough and outing the affair is the only way they feel they can force the MP off the fence. They should however know that this could go either way. *shrug* But I would suppose anyone who has reached that point, has tried everything else, and is ready to face the possibily of the relationship ending in way that is unfavorable to them.

 

In my case the affair was outted long ago. *shrug* So neither of these is a viable option for me. Though I suppose that if I ended the relationship with my sweetheart and he was harrassing me, I might put in a call to his wife just to see if she could run interference for me without me having to go to the police which could potentially be embarrassing for her as well.

 

Come on FA, police are not going to be involved?

 

I think you're right about the forcing off the fence. We know when it's there.

 

I have nothing against OW/OM who decide to tell. But they are not generally exhibiting the love they may have professed.

[bentnotbroken]

Oh boy. There's a whole new morality for me here. You don't worry about motive? No wonder we don't get each other!

 

And I'm so not with you on all things for evil purposes bit. Umm. Murder? Worse?

 

That's not where I come from. Motive is all. Well, it's psychology anyay.

 

 

Of course we don't get each other. I believe things done for evil purposes can be turned around by God for good. "No weapon formed against me will prosper". Yes, I have seen people change after doing something as heinous as murder. They have gone on to use their experience to lead others away from a life of crime. Paul didn't care why some people preached the Gospel of Christ(some did it to make fun of him..wrong motive)but the gospel was still preached. The truth was still spoken. I feel if motives were so right, we wouldn't be here at all.

[Fallen Angel]

Come on FA, police are not going to be involved?

 

I think you're right about the forcing off the fence. We know when it's there.

 

I have nothing against OW/OM who decide to tell. But they are not generally exhibiting the love they may have professed.

 

I hardly think my sweetheart would ever harrass me if I were to break off our relationship. But, if he did, I would certainly consider getting the police involved. It was he who encouraged me to file a restraining order against my xH, and he who showed me that it is okay to take a stand against a man who harrasses and bullies me, so certainly were he to become harrassing and bullying I would contact my local authorities to see what legal recourse I had available to put an end to it.

 

He, however, is not that type of a man. At least I have seen no indication of such at this point. He did however once say that if I were to ask for total NC he would try to adhere to it, but could not promise that he would not sometimes try to catch a glimpse of me to be able to confirm for himself that I was well and happy. I laughingly called him a future stalker, to which he replied that loving me forever would require him to know that I am always well but that he would never do anything that would frighten me.

[White Flower]

I guess I am of the thought, I typically don't care who tells the BS as long as they find out. And if they chose not to believe what is said, at least that seed is there is they wish to explore it at a later date. I believe that all things done for "evil" purposes can be used for good. So motive for me means very little.

Bent, would you have thought OP was selfish, or a lying b****, and just trying to get her way if it were HER who told you?

 

Just looking for your POV.

[White Flower]

For me, there isn't really a good reason to tell, but I can see where the urge might come from.

 

I was wondering if the stage makes a difference:

 

1. Pre-DDay telling by OW/OM (doesn't generally happen - self-preservation etc.)

 

2. Post-A pre DDay (you lost and you don't see why the AP is scot free in 'happy M')

 

3. Post A post DDAY (WS is minimizing AP to BS and AP finds this hard)

 

I found 1 and 2 easy peasy to deal with (no urge whatsoever), but 3 hard. Didn't act on 3 for many months NC, but eventually after love text from xMOM, I guess I did do 3 type telling. Mainly because I was messed up and a wierd opportunity presented itself (I wouldn't have sought it out).

 

My confusion was so great at that point, that I had no interest in telling BS, just in my own sanity.

 

Any thoughts? Does the stage make the telling different from your moral stance?

Sometimes scenario #1 is done to cause the D-day and force the troubled M partners to deal with it. I believe that is what JustJoe did in order to get MW to end her M, and it was successful.

 

I'm not quite understanding #2. Is that a scenario where the AP tells the BS because MP is 'scott free' while the AP suffers the loss and sees this as a terrible injustice?

 

If so, I suppose I could relate to this. I couldn't do it, but can relate to it. It is hard to imagine him sailing off into the sunset with her while laughing and drinking Champagne while I suffer; while I imagine all the sweet nothings and promises he made to be sailing off with me.

 

And scenario #3 is also something I could relate to; however, I don't always see minimizing the same as others do. I feel that MM minimizes actions ("it was only EA, not PA", ect.) because IF he DID end up leaving her for me he would want to protect my reputation in future scenarios in life. Therefore, I see his minimizing as protective behavior. And it really protects the BS as well as the AP.

 

So, scenario #2 resonates most with me even if I don't see myself as the kiss-and-tell type.

[Gfkr2]

A word of caution. I did tell the BS about the affair between my EX and her husband... and she sided with her husband. I thought I was helping her find the truth and she refuses to even look me in the eye now.

 

Just a heads up that the result may not be what you expect.

 

I think you did the right thing in reaching out to the BS. That she doesn't want the truth is her cross to bear in life. I did the same thing and got a cold shoulder from the BW.

 

I can live with giving her the opportunity to take control of her situation .. There is nothing more I can do. I expect to hear from her someday when she has the courage.

[bentnotbroken]

Bent, would you have thought OP was selfish, or a lying b****, and just trying to get her way if it were HER who told you?

 

Just looking for your POV.

 

 

Possibly. But that thought would be there. I would have planted some doubt and allowed me to look at some things closer. I think it would have allowed me to find the out sooner and in the end at least I would have respected her for at least being stepping up to the plate instead of the way things went down.

[jj33]

Agree about revenge.

 

What would have been the better action for you?

 

As it turns out there was no better course of action. I should have done nothing as telling didnt help and it embarrassed me professionally (I told his investors not his W because she would not have helped the situation).

 

Sometimes there is nothing to be done. But I didnt do it out of revenge. I did it in an attempt to preserve my sanity.

 

I think telling the W is a far better option than telling the police in the first instance. You save cell phone records texts etc and if telling the spouse doesnt work then perhaps you consider calling the police if you cant find another way around it. Calling the police into anything is often not always but often a complicated thing and doesnt always get you quick results.

 

FA I think your situation with your xH was different. With an MM you generally have other leverage and as others have said most police wont use their resources to help an OW first whereas they will be more concerned about a spouse or ex spouse.

[grogster]

The risk of retaliatory disclosure is assumed by the affair partners. As with everything, it's a balancing act.

 

A spurned AP's duty to disclose may be strong when, for example, the MM is a serial affair artist and/or the MM transmitted a STD to her or her to him.

 

On the other hand, if the spurned/betrayed AP knows that the BS is violent, crazy or dangerous, perhaps more discretion should be shown-- if not for your former AP, for yourself.

 

At the end of the day, it's not so much about Truth as distancing. The greater the distance from the affair, the less painful and searing the memories, the less the motivation to implicate the affair partner in the dirty deeds.

 

It also helps if the accuser has nothing to protect -- like a marriage. That's why if anyone out there is going to cheat, go for the symmetrical affair: both married. That way you're equally at risk.

 

While revenge is a dish best served cold, here it's most often served steaming hot.

 

Again, that's one generally understood risk/cost of the affair game.

 

Cheaters beware.

Edited August 1, 2010 by grogster

[YellowShark]

I think you did the right thing in reaching out to the BS. That she doesn't want the truth is her cross to bear in life. I did the same thing and got a cold shoulder from the BW.

 

The backstory is my EX cheated with her husband. The MM and BS were very good social friends of ours. We shared dinner parties, camping trips, the whole deal. So I knew the BS really well - (for at least 5 years). She knows that I am not the type to make up stories about my EX or her husband.

 

The really sick part is the BS is pregnant with their first child, and shall give birth in August 2010 - and her husband is cheating on her!

 

So when I spoke with her it was out of concern and kindness, not for "revenge." Sadly my gut feeling is her scumball cheating husband told her I was lying and she is so focused on the pregnancy that her blinders are on maximum.

 

Still, I did what I thought was right to protect her and her reaction was the opposite of what I expected.