ElCapitan Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Simple question, I guess. Here are the details that may be pertinent: - SO cheated on another boyfriend in a past relationship, this was nearly 10 years ago. I did not know her then. - She voluntarily disclosed the information to me in one of those "let's bring all the skeletons out of our closets" type conversations. - Just rehashing the stories, for her, was and emotional endeavor. She says she was disgusted with who she was back then and, for what it's worth, I absolutely believe her. - As far as I remember (the "conversation" about all this was a few months ago), her infidelities were few and limited to one particularly troublesome relationship with an older and abusive man. - She tells me with her words and actions that she loves me and, aside from her disclosed past, she's never given me any reason to believe she would be unfaithful. - When she cheated she was 20ish, now she's 30ish. I don't think it's unreasonable for a person to change a great deal over the course of one third of their life. - We've have been in a monogamous relationship for about 9 months now and are talking about the future quite seriously. - Clearly this weighs on my mind from time to time, otherwise I wouldn't be here, but if my worry of infidelity could be quantified from 1 to 10 (with 1 being "absolutely zero worry, this girl is a robot programmed to love me and never stray" and 10 being "I'm a little worried, I walked in on her banging my favorite football team last night), I'd put my worry level at only about a 2.5. - She's older than me by a few years. - She has more long-term relationship experience with me (meaning she's been in several multi-year relationships and I have not). I definitely have a few insecurities on that level, though they've been diminishing as our relationship has strengthened and gone on. I'm not sure if the two are related, but I thought it was worth mentioning. I guess I'm wondering how many of you buy into the "once a cheater, always a cheater" line of thought. I'd wager most of you would chalk this up to "everyone makes mistakes, but you should really be careful what questions you ask lest you not want to hear the answers." Anyway, thanks for your thoughts. This is a very interesting forum.
aerogurl87 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I believe once a cheater, always a cheater is a load of crap because some people (like me) cheat once and never do it again. I cheated on my ex, and honestly he's the only guy that I'd ever been with where the idea to cheat even crossed my mind. After and before him, it never happened, I never thought and don't think now, to cheat on anyone else. But I do believe once you cheat on a specific person, the odds of you cheating on them again if you stay together is extremely high.
Angel1111 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 She was young and dumb when she did that. Forget it. It sounds like she learned from her mistakes.
In Like Flynn Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 A good thing is she was honest about it. She didn't have to tell you about it!! I think if she still had a wayward/cheater mind she would have kept that to herself.
carhill Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 OP, my best advice would be to accept the here and now and remain mindful of the kinds of positive words and actions *you* want to retain and build trust with her. I've seen the other kind and know that 'disclosure' can equal 'disclaimer', so I don't put much stock in words alone. Actions, I watch those, and if they match the words. Actions rarely lie. It's been a great education. Good luck and I hope things work out for you Welcome to LS
Author ElCapitan Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 Thanks for the feedback, guys. That's pretty much what I was expecting (and hoping) to hear.
jnj express Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 What you might want to find out is---why didn't she leave the guy, instead of cheat on him----and if there are problems with your relationship down the line, and there will be---for lots of reasons----will she sit down with you and try to work the problems out---or will she just go and cheat as she did before To cover yourself you should really find out why she keeps bouncing from one relationship to the next Just have some good honest conversation about what bothers you, and how to solve what bothers you---and that should be the end of it
impz Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 The once a cheater, always a cheater comes simply because the person is unable to see why he or she is wrong, and tries to justify it. This girl you have clearly doesn't. She knows she's wrong, she tells you WITHOUT you needing to question her, it has been a long time since she did anything wrong. I see no problem at all, other than the need for some honest conversation to understand why she cheated (if you wish). Good luck ^^
Spectre Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 See, here's what people seem to forget. This whole "at least she was honest" BS is well..just that, BS. People should not get rewarded by being honest, life does not work that way. Isn't it incredibly sad when people seem to get praised for just being honest? Second, your past makes up who you are. The same people who preach about how the past is the past and has no influence on the present are quite naive. Does this mean that once a cheater always a cheater? No, but it does not remotely translate into the past being the past and it should just be forgotten. Keep in mind those 2 things.
meerkat stew Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 See, here's what people seem to forget. This whole "at least she was honest" BS is well..just that, BS. People should not get rewarded by being honest, life does not work that way. Isn't it incredibly sad when people seem to get praised for just being honest? Interestingly enough, no one knows, not OP nor anyone but herself, whether she is being honest now or not. Every time a woman has wanted to have an airing out skeletons session, I have found out later that she only gave me the tip of the iceberg in an attempt to downplay a past that I never asked her to disclose, but that she felt compelled to disclose to me out of the blue. In the several instances I've been subject to this, I'm left scratching my head thinking, "why not just stay quiet as opposed to setting out to tell a lie?" Short answer... mental or emotional instability. Every woman who has felt a need to disclose stuff like this to me in the middle of a relationship that was going fine otherwise was also up to something right then. She used the disclosure of the past to assuage her guilt at what she was doing, or contemplating doing right then in the present. OR, she was being completely Machiavellian and trying to decide what she could get away with, how gullible I was. They are like children who think they are being "crafty" in this regard. Not saying your girl is a bad seed or compulsive cheater, OP, just keep your eyes wide open once they feel the need to start making disclosures seemingly out of the blue. I have found that mentally and emotionally healthy people almost never feel a need to air out old laundry that have no bearing on the present. The disordered sure do though. One question you should definitely find the answer to, though, has she ever been bulimic?
Dexter Morgan Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I guess I'm wondering how many of you buy into the "once a cheater, always a cheater" line of thought. I do. I suppose there are exceptions, but I sure as hell haven't found any yet. what would I do if someone told me that they cheated on a bf a long time ago? gee, I don't know. If this was told to me in the early stages of dating, I probably wouldn't consider the relationship seriously. if we were already entrenched in a committment....I don't know. I doubt I'd just dump her, but she now would have given me reason to put up my guard. I would see it as a red flag.
GordonDarkfoot Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Simple question, I guess. Here are the details that may be pertinent: Actually not so simple. - SO cheated on another boyfriend in a past relationship, this was nearly 10 years ago. I did not know her then. My question would be, why does she think this incident is at all relevant to your current relationship? - She voluntarily disclosed the information to me in one of those "let's bring all the skeletons out of our closets" type conversations. What prompted this conversation? - Just rehashing the stories, for her, was and emotional endeavor. She says she was disgusted with who she was back then and, for what it's worth, I absolutely believe her. I would ask her why she cheated on the guy. Since she brought it up. - As far as I remember (the "conversation" about all this was a few months ago), her infidelities were few and limited to one particularly troublesome relationship with an older and abusive man. First if this convo happened a few months ago why are you only following up now? Your window of opportunity to get more info might be closed, but the fact that it's still lingering on your mind is your intuition telling you that something is not right. Also the cheating wasn't a one time thing, "infidelities" is plural, a "few" times is minimizing the behavior. Also not good is that she's blame shifting, even ten years after the fact, her cheating onto her then-boyfriend, he was "older" and "abusive"; therefore, it was OK for her to cheat a "few" times on him? Her relationship was troublesome, so instead of leaving him, she cheated on him. She's had ten years to think about all this, she made a point of telling this to you, but what she hasn't yet done is accept full responsibility for her decision to cheat. That's not good. - She tells me with her words and actions that she loves me and, aside from her disclosed past, she's never given me any reason to believe she would be unfaithful. Yeah no, something is bothering you my man. Your gut is telling you something. We don't know what it is because all we have are the facts you've presented. It might be something very subtle in her manner or attitude. But this is eating at you and you don't know why. Don't ignore your "gut" feelings. - When she cheated she was 20ish, now she's 30ish. I don't think it's unreasonable for a person to change a great deal over the course of one third of their life. If the issues leading to her cheating were never properly dealt with, eg through counseling, then you don't know if whatever is in her that made her cheat, could recur. Like I said a big deal with this stuff is whether she accepts full responsibility for her behavior in the past and it basically sounds like she's blaming her ex-bf for cheating on him. - We've have been in a monogamous relationship for about 9 months now and are talking about the future quite seriously. I would definitely think long and hard about this. I would want to know a LOT more about everything involved with her cheating and how she dealt with it before making a "lifetime commitment" to this woman. - Clearly this weighs on my mind from time to time, otherwise I wouldn't be here, but if my worry of infidelity could be quantified from 1 to 10 (with 1 being "absolutely zero worry, this girl is a robot programmed to love me and never stray" and 10 being "I'm a little worried, I walked in on her banging my favorite football team last night), I'd put my worry level at only about a 2.5. No, I think it's probably somewhere north of 5. You see the reason you are dwelling on it is not simply because of a ten year old anecdote. Something is happening in your relationship right now that is giving you discomfort on some level. It doesn't sound like you really trust her, but it sounds to me like there's something more there than just the old cheating episode. But even if it's only 2.5, that still means you think there's a reasonable possibility that she could respond to a rocky spot in your future relationship by cheating on you. - She's older than me by a few years. I'm not sure if this is a significant fact but it might be. - She has more long-term relationship experience with me (meaning she's been in several multi-year relationships and I have not). O.K. What do you know about her relationship history in these several multi-year relationships? How long was she with the guys, why did the relationships end? Did she live with the guys? It's not just the cheating from ten years ago; at this point you're justified in getting some real answers about why all these relationships failed. You definitely don't want to be wasting the next few years of your life on someone who is for whatever reason, incapable of making a relationship work. I'm guessing if she's thirty or so her biological clock is ticking. You don't want to get married, have a kid, or kids, then five years into it have to get divorced, whether because she cheats or because of some other drama. NOW is the time to try your best to figure this woman out, if that's possible. I definitely have a few insecurities on that level, though they've been diminishing as our relationship has strengthened and gone on. I'm not sure if the two are related, but I thought it was worth mentioning. The cheating is definitely a big red flag; the multiple failed serious relationships also a red flag. Your gut nagging at you is another red flag. I guess I'm wondering how many of you buy into the "once a cheater, always a cheater" line of thought. Depends what you mean by "cheating." That's why you have to find out in detail what ended all of her other serious relationships--maybe she got emotionally involved with other men, which many consider a form of cheating--emotional affairs--but has not disclosed that because she doesn't consider it cheating. Maybe she kissed some guys or did other physical stuff short of intercourse but doesn't count that as cheating. You don't have enough facts to go on but I think you are entitled to know her relationship history, as she is of you. I'd wager most of you would chalk this up to "everyone makes mistakes, but you should really be careful what questions you ask lest you not want to hear the answers." This woman is older than you, been around the block more than you, cheated on one of her exes, and hasn't really indicated accepting responsibility for the affair she had. She's had several serious relationships which have failed. Your gut is nagging at you. Don't ignore your intuition. Now is not the time to gloss over your feelings of concern, it's the time to explore them. You have to do that anyway because this stuff will ALWAYS bother you until you address it properly. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts. This is a very interesting forum. Unfortunately based on what you've said and how you actually feel, you may need to face the fact that this relationship may have about run its course. The problem is that whatever she's told you represents her trying to put the best light on her past history that she could. There is not going to be any "good news" the more you delve into her past and ask her more questions. About the best that can happen is that she freely and openly answers your questions. If she resists and becomes defensive and accusatory, then that's going to tell you all you need to know. Does she take any responsibility for her past break ups (whether due to cheating or not?) Or does she blame it all on the exes? If I were you I would also get a keylogger and put it on your computer. I'm not getting a very good feeling about your gf.
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