Im Lost

[suddenlylost]

My story is long and complicated. Extremely embarrassing I need help.

I was widowed at 32 and spent 7 years alone raising my children. I didn't date.

I met a man at work who was so loving and dedicated to his child, that I pursued him. He was in a marriage at the time but I knew it had been a loveless marriage for 8 or more years through co workers. I know they had 17 marriage counselors in 10 years and each time one told her she was wrong she quit that one and found another. They told the daughter they were going on dinner dates. They came full circle till no counselors locally would see them, and it was recommended they split. I know that doesn't make what I did right.

He & his wife portrayed a fairy tale home for this child. With absolutely no love between the adults all the love and attentions went towards this child. The child only saw she was happy .Being raised in a divorced home, the father decided to stick it out in the house until he met me.

We secretly started dating and fell in love. Until this the father had been home each day by 3 when the child got home from school and they did things together. The bond between father and child was stronger than mother and child. It was difficult for him to get away in the evenings to see me, finding it hard to come up with excuses on where he was going. He often told me he couldn't get out cause the wife wasn't home and he was babysitting. I started to call the house and found he was [COLOR=#000000]lieing[/COLOR], but excused it knowing it was just too hard to get away. I checked often calling and hanging up.

Meanwhile I cried to him often, telling him I needed more. He started telling me he was going to tell the wife he wanted a divorce, months passed and he didn't do it, sometimes I got hysterical. Especially when he gave me dates and it didn't happen. They were still going to family events and I got a hold of her cell phone and started calling that and hanging up seeing if he would get on the phone to protect her in someway. It was stupid. I was blocking my number and thought I was 100% hidden. Wrong.

He did finally leave her and we started planning our life together. I didn't know before he left they had contacted the police about the phone calls. The investigation turned up to be me. She didn't know me, therefore figured it couldn't be me. Since she had many enemies, many of whom were friends with the people I worked for. they dismissed it there were too many possibilities. I told the husband I didn't know how my number came up, someone must have figured a way to do it. It wasn't me. I swore.

1 year goes by with collaborative divorce process. We are sneaking away 100% compatible. Living life with this horrible secret of hiding. Knowing we cant get caught for many reasons.

The wife is using the child as pawn. They have a successful business and she wants more than its worth and a lifetime set up cause that's what he promised her. Meanwhile she is telling the child complete untruths and setting the father up to look horrible. gaining a partner against the dad. Telling her he left both of them penniless(they collect an equal paycheck and she's embezzled over 100,000 over 6 months from the business and split huge bank accounts when he left) It gets very complicated.

The father is seeing child every other weekend and fighting thru lawyers for her. He's believing the lawyers and going thru the process. A counselor evaluates the family and decides the mother/ child relationship is harmful to the child but since the child feels responsible for the mothers happiness, she would have to be weaned over 6 months. They do, and the father now gets 50% custody. All this being done collaboratively nothing is signed by the courts yet. This lasts 2 weeks.

When the husband finds out how much money is missing from the business he hires another attorney blocking the wife from the family business causing the mother to get another attorney who immediately takes back custody. She still gets her paycheck but hasn't done anything but over see the check payments made by the secretary for years.Now she's completely locked out and pissed. The wrath begins.

With this set of lawyers things get so complicated. The child gets her own attorney and the business now has a trustee who must approve all monies in and out. A new psychiatric evaluation for all and this guy tells the dad that this child is so disillusioned and manipulated that he thinks she should be kept from the mother for 6 months while under going serious therapy because the mother will undermined anything a counselor could accomplish. the mother has used this child as a partner siding against the dad. making up the most horrendous things.

Meanwhile 2 years forward he moves into my house, maintaining a home of his own that he lives in only when his daughter is with him. This has not been easy on anyone. I cry in the beginning cause dating isn't enough, then he leaves the house and I cry cause I am tired of hiding and want normal, then he moves in and I cry that it hurts when he leaves every other weekend and we are still hiding from the world and my kids have to know that. I cry cause I don't know his daughter Sometimes I have complete melt downs. Mind you this has been going on going into the 4th year.the wife is on the 5th lawyer. each time they get close to a court date she fires him not feeling she's winning and starts over. prolonging everything and draining all the finances of everyone having to catch the new lawyer up to speed.

While in my house I found he has been having an online relationship with a woman he recently reconnected with from high school(30 years ago) for 9 months. I read everything and there was no sexual content but talking about daily things( never mentioning me) and fantasizing about hugging and taking trips. In this argument it slips that I did make the phone calls. We forgive each other. 3 months go by.

 

The wife somehow finds out about us. She says she sees his car at my house and starts trying to catch him here with the child in the car. She tells the child that he left them both for this other family that he loves more and really hammers those thoughts into this kid.She made up complete untruths like he took my family to Disney world just tons of things. I don't think she actually ever caught him here, someone else must have seen him but no proof.She did drive the daughter past my house and was always driving by his house with the daughter in the car all hours of the night trying to catch him.

the daughter never mentions anything, the father cant bring it up as recommended by the counselor, for the fear of she now hates dad and if she starts to find out the mother has lied something drastic might happen. he's to wait till she's in counseling.

The wife now reopens the phone investigation through the courts and tells the latest custody evaluator about the phone calls and how he must be in on it and we are both harmful people therefore not suitable for parents. He of course denies any involvement with me because he's afraid of losing the custody battle he's been fighting for almost 3 years.he moves out afraid of getting caught here.

We go back to hiding in parks and hotels and restaurants away from home. he is being followed by her friends and an occasional detective hoping to catch him. I manage kind of ok through this knowing its got to be almost over.

He is now depressed because he doesn't have his daughter, fed up with my emotional crying, exhausted from trying to work a physical job depressed and he cant do it. Every day at least 3 new issues that either the wife has completely made up and presented to lawyers or twisted things and presented as truth. Or 5 more demands. The business is going under, he's having trouble with the landlord and needs to buy a house. I ask him one day to meet me at his house and ask for sex since its been so long and that turns into a fight. 2 days later he tells me were done. He doesn't love me, doesn't see us working in the future. he cant ever tell his daughter about us now because of the things her mom has told the kid, and the fact that he's driven her by my house. making me harmful to her, and the stealer of their life.He doesn't want to be seen in her eyes as the cheater or liar.

I tell him since there's no proof of him being here and if there is, its so minimal. The mother has been caught by everyone involved for the past 3 years libeling on a daily basis. She even lies about what her lawyer says making things up to other professionals involved until they eventually find out her lawyer never said any such things.

I say we maintain the image of being friends as we planned all along. At some point when the divorce is final and the custody is set the child starts getting therapy and sees the father was in a loveless marriage for her for 8 years. then [COLOR=#000000]i[/COLOR] am introduced as a friend through all this she can become involved in the decision that we start dating. and the mother was wrong about us seeing each other all along. We have common friends is how we were going to present it. Of course the phone investigation is still going on, but the statue of limitation to press charges was over long ago and the last phone call was 2 years ago. I don't know for a fact but I don't believe any judge would deem me a harmful step parent when it was only phone calls without words and they stopped 2 years ago. The wife is an alcoholic, clinically depressed and a woman who has severe disillusions of superiority. Treating store clerks and people in retail and service positions worse than horribly and teaching her daughter these values.

Over the last 4 weeks. we see each other everyday. We talk on the phone, meet for coffee in the morning, dinner in the evening, hug, and kiss. As soon as I talk about future stuff or ask for sex, he tells me were broken up. I start to cry we start to fight etc. I've found as long as I keep it mostly platonic he's ok. He says he was never happy in my house, and he wanted to move out, yet when he was here he told me everyday he never felt so loved. We were generally happy and my meltdowns about us not being normal and free were very limited during this time.

[COLOR=#000000]i[/COLOR] realize that platonic is probably all he can handle right now. He says he doesn't see us together in the future, but I think once he gets his daughter and things get settled with the divorce he will feel better and be able to forgive my crying which was only to be with him more. We always knew it would be hard to tell his daughter, but things are a little more complicated with the mother telling her about me. The phone call thing would have always come up whenever we got together and he was willing to deal with it.

Should I continue the platonic relationship, knowing he doesn't see our future right now, but knowing the love we shared was so incredible for both of us, knowing it might be possible to get past all this, or am I prolonging the agony and heartbreak of being with the man I love knowing it might never work.

[jsa100100]

i didn't read everything, but it certainly seems like you have a grade A ****storm on your hands.

 

Let me ask you....do you think you can even live a normal life anymore with him after everything is done?

 

Also, if you were to be happy with him from this moment forward, would it have been worth all that pain and anguish?

[suddenlylost]

I am not sure if a normal life is possible from here out. Last night I drove by his house and it seems he had a woman in his bed. I called him out and it was a horrendous scene.

 

If you would have asked me yesterday if it would be worth all the pain to get to a happy normal life, I would say yes. Even now.

 

I love this man. I was never weak and would never have accepted anyone treating me like this at any point in my life. But for him I acceppt it. It's horrible, I don't know why I will accept abuse to be in his company.

 

I would take him back tomorrow if he wanted and I would spend the rest of my life crying. I don't get it. He's poison.

 

I am trying to contact this woman to apologize for my crazy behavior yesterday, and I want to let her know he is lieing to her already. I was just eating dinner with him at his house the night before, and Im sure she doesnt know that.

She had her car hidden in his garage and I assume he told her she was hiding from his wife...but shes out of state so he was actually hiding her from me. And he is charming. He has a way of making you apologize for making him have to lie to you. He is coniving. Heartless.

[jsa100100]

You know what you need? a dose of NC. (i can't find the link to the main NC topic so you'll have to go looking for it if you don't know what it is)

[suddenlylost]

should i contact this woman to let her know she is being setup as a victim. already she is doing the same things I did, and he is still calling me, texting me and having me over for dinners.

[suddenlylost]

I wish I would have believed all of you.

He was loving and attentive and caring.Thats what I saw for 4 years. If he took a bit of someting good, he fed you the second bite. If you sat down he was rubbing your feet. He adored my body and was attentive, leaving voicemails where he would sing and texts that were so sweet like i was thinking of your smile. youre beautiful.

At the same time he was a liar and a cheat. He broke up with me on a Tuesday and according to him had this new woman all lined up by the end of the week. Of course it was being set up, and didnt leave me until it was a sure thing. But how do you not tell the woman you've been with for 4 years and had a lifetime committment with, that youre thinking of ending things. I was 100% blind sided. We werent even fighting or having any difficulties other than his drama.

Its so painful because I have a hard time believing all this is true. I still remember the 4 years of mr sweetness.

He actually told me today that he made a mistake and was sorry the direction his life was moving in. He was getting therapy. He said he wasnt seeing me or her. Later in the day,I told him that someone we knew talked to her and she told him, I was crazy wouldnt let go ex lover who was harassing and stalking. When I confronted him asking if this was the impression he was giving her he said no, but it was a lie. I could tell he was manipulating words.

I asked why he gave me the impression maybe we would get back together . I told him to finish all his divorce custody and get help and when he felt he could treat me like I desreved we would see where I was . he said ok, lets say goodbye for now. Why make me believe all that if none of it is true and tell me your not seeing her when you have a date that night? Why? After I found that he gave me false hope and she was going there tonight I told him I would surely find a way to let her know he was taking me out to dinners and movies and hugs kisses after the break up because I didnt know about her.I know she didnt know about me. Now Im just angry. How any human could be so hurtful to another.

[lostalongtheway]

Your story seems to have many similarities to mine (I was alone for 6 years, met a man married but "separated", we became as close as two people can be, I helped him through all his financial & emotional bad times, fixed up his life, helped him through his divorce only to find out he had met someone else and was making marriage plans while still living "happily" with me). My situation turned me into a crazy person I didn't recognize. I read a couple of books that I found very helpful: "Obsessive Love:When it hurts too much to let go" by Susan Forward, and "Don't call that man! A survival guide to letting go" by Rhonda Findling. In my opinion (and experience), waiting for things to change or trying to be "friends" is to punish yourself. Slamming the door and walking away is excruciatingly difficult, but it will give you the chance to see him from a more clinical distance and start the clock on the healing power of TIME.

[suddenlylost]

Thanks so much for that post Lost. I will purchase those books.

I am looking back and seeing things so very differently, I was definately blinded by the love and adoration I had for this man.

I survived the long illness and death of my husband who I loved with all my heart. I kept strong, and people admired who I was.

I am literally destroyed by the insult, humiliation and the deception this man brought to me.

I will greive. I will learn. I will heal.

[cavedweller]

suddenlylost,

 

He is not interested in having sex with you anymore?

 

Girl, your relationship with him is over..

 

He is doing a 'slow dump' on you..

 

He is trying to let you down easy so you won't cause any trouble..(ie: damage control)

 

His fear is that when he dumps you that you will do and say things that will hurt him, his image and his checking account..

[suddenlylost]

This man created this entire other relationship, while living in my house and telling me he was committed to me for life, giving me a slow dump by telling me how emotionally distraught he was with all of the divorce and custody stuff coming to a head.

 

Im actually looking back and seeing how I helped him prep for this other woman.I was always physically fit, and he asked me to help him. I made him follow this strict diet and exercise plan. Cooking all the foods for him, packing his lunches of completely 100%involved food, like making the salsa from scratch for the breakfast burrito. It was a Jillian Michaels diet that was so involved it took 3-4 hours of prep time in the evening plus exercising. He dropped 30 pounds and looked great. I lost 15 I couldnt afford to lose, then another 10 from the stress from all of this, now I look like a medical patient. I gave him a free fat camp.

 

I do believe now he was with her for months before ending things with me.

 

I am feeling the need to stop him in some way from having such a smooth transition of ending a 4 year realitionship at the same time starting something new and exciting. He sure has talent. All those intense feelings and he didnt go crazy.He doesnt even bother to waste his time on missing me. Or bother to think about what this feels like for me. I want to now tell all his dirty little secrets I kept safe for all these years. I want everyone to know what he did. He doesnt come across to people like a sleeze bag. He comes across like the most friendly guy. A guy who would do anything for anyone...even a stranger. He is always happy and makes you feel comfortable and like he is interested in your story from the minute he meets you. He does this everywhere he goes. he can go into a grocery store and come out with a friend hes offered to help in some way.

 

I want to somehow see to it that hes not so happy and all in love and excited to be starting a new relationship right now. I want him to feel like he did something wrong.I want him to pay. Im thinking of so many things