ladygaga Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Ok, please don't flame me, but my xMM would bring his 20 month old daughter around me when he had her over the weekends (he moved out fr wife for 3 months and said he would divorce). Does that imply that he is a bad father? He has now ran back to his BS to work things out, MC and stuff. But maybe, at one point, he was convinced that he wanted me in his future for sure? His BS didn't know that he brought the kid around me, of course. We would go to lunch, hang out with the baby in the park, etc.. that only happened about 5 times though. My friends were very against him bringing the child around me. But surely, since she is only 20 months old, she doesn't understand anything? I did notice that she looked confused at one point when he held my hands. I mean, I don't have memory of anything at 1.5 years. Surely the baby wouldn't understand or remember, right?
Spark1111 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 You have wise friends, LG! I think it is the height of selfishness to expose your children to your AP regardless of their age. Will she remember? Maybe, probably not. But I am simply horrified at what that gesture says about HIM: His daughter was a convenient excuse to see you; Or, he did not care enough about her to spend time with her alone; Or he thought you would love her and learn to all be one big happy family someday? That was so reckless and insensitive of him, as a father, a husband, or a man of any....ahem...character.
NancyBotwin Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Your friends are right. Didn't they tell you to dump him?
bentnotbroken Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 She may not be able to voice her confusion, but she does recognize that you aren't someone within her circle. Bad move on his part.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I guess my question is: why does it matter now? You obviously did not have a problem with it when it meant seeing him. Why aren't you asking yourself what does it say about YOU? You two are no longer together so you need to let the past be. There is no reason for you to start dissecting what was done during the A now that he went back to his M. Trying to cast him in an unfair light when you are not blameless here is just a way for you to try to make yourself feel better and I don't think that it should. Don't worry about him, the R is in the past. Worry about the present. What can you do to make sure that your next R is with an available man who can give you what you want in a R. GEL
fooled once Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Ok, please don't flame me, but my xMM would bring his 20 month old daughter around me when he had her over the weekends (he moved out fr wife for 3 months and said he would divorce). Does that imply that he is a bad father? He has now ran back to his BS to work things out, MC and stuff. But maybe, at one point, he was convinced that he wanted me in his future for sure? His BS didn't know that he brought the kid around me, of course. We would go to lunch, hang out with the baby in the park, etc.. that only happened about 5 times though. My friends were very against him bringing the child around me. But surely, since she is only 20 months old, she doesn't understand anything? I did notice that she looked confused at one point when he held my hands. I mean, I don't have memory of anything at 1.5 years. Surely the baby wouldn't understand or remember, right? Sure doesn't make him a good father. He had his custodial weekend and instead of being with his daughter, he brought his daughter around his mistress so they could play house? Yeah, great dad material there. Doesn't matter if she has a memory -- what matters is it isn't the RIGHT thing to do and if he has a father doesn't know that.....what other stupid things is he doing with his daughter? Using her as a chick magnet while at the park? You claim he 'ran' back to his wife. Sounds like he never really planned to leave her anyway since it wasn't gone that long anyway. But I am sure it was his wife's fault that he dumped you to give his marriage another try. Seriously, like GEL said, what does it matter now? Are you trying to hook back up with him?
2sunny Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Ok, please don't flame me, but my xMM would bring his 20 month old daughter around me when he had her over the weekends (he moved out fr wife for 3 months and said he would divorce). Does that imply that he is a bad father? He has now ran back to his BS to work things out, MC and stuff. But maybe, at one point, he was convinced that he wanted me in his future for sure? His BS didn't know that he brought the kid around me, of course. We would go to lunch, hang out with the baby in the park, etc.. that only happened about 5 times though. My friends were very against him bringing the child around me. But surely, since she is only 20 months old, she doesn't understand anything? I did notice that she looked confused at one point when he held my hands. I mean, I don't have memory of anything at 1.5 years. Surely the baby wouldn't understand or remember, right? it implies that YOU also participated. he can't take the child around YOU if you didn't participate. you no longer see him right? why ask now? you should have asked back then - and done something about it then! stop living in the past. make good decisions all day - each day... including today. he's still married. only date men that have their divorce finalized. that solves this problem. you have choices - make them in YOUR best interest.
jj33 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Why is it a problem? If they were seeing each other and spending weekends together and he really thoughe they had a future together at that time its not abnormal. None of us know his motives.
2sunny Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Why is it a problem? If they were seeing each other and spending weekends together and he really thoughe they had a future together at that time its not abnormal. None of us know his motives. jj - he went back to his wife. when dating a MM - there is always that chance that he MAY go back to his wife. waiting until he's divorced (past tense) and the risks that come from dating a MM - out of the equation. since you were seeing him as a MM - and he had a child... if you weren't agreeable to see him at all when he had his child - there would be no risk that the child form an attachment to you.
jj33 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I know he went back to his W. But at the time as I understand what she was saying, they were separated. At the time he may have been sincere and not a "bad father". We will never know. It doesnt matter as he is back with his wife now. But we dont know what his intent was at the time and that was her question.
bentnotbroken Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I know he went back to his W. But at the time as I understand what she was saying, they were separated. At the time he may have been sincere and not a "bad father". We will never know. It doesnt matter as he is back with his wife now. But we dont know what his intent was at the time and that was her question. I am one who doesn't think new partners should be introduced until a divorce is final. I think that is showing a lack of concern for any confusion and drama happening at the time for the child. Separated isn't divorced.
whichwayisup Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 He should NOT have brought his young daughter to meet you. Totally inappropriate. We met 9 months ago, fell in love. 5 months ago, he confessed to BS about me, told her he wasn't in love with her and wasn't excited by her sexually at all, admitted he had sex with a bunch of different girls before falling in love with me, packed up all his stuff and MOVED OUT. Then you two spent four months together and he changed his mind. Grass is greener syndrome... Anyway, be glad he's out of your life. He cheated on his wife many times and cheated on her with you. That is, if he told you the truth.. Could be lying and she found out, threw him out. Anyway, the way he's treated her, why did you expect he'd treat you any better? Go on with your life and don't look back. Ever.
fooled once Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Why is it a problem? If they were seeing each other and spending weekends together and he really thoughe they had a future together at that time its not abnormal. None of us know his motives. Because JJ, you do not bring young children (or any children for that matter) around someone who (a) is NOT even remotely separated or filing for divorce (b) bring someone around your children who you are dating UNTIL, IMHO, there is an engagement or SERIOUS SERIOUS long term dating © a MM who is cheating on his wife, even if he is living in an apartment. His weekends should have been devoted to his child -- not his mistress. She had other time to be with him; not when he was to be bonding with his child; especially at such a young age.
jj33 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I think we will have to agree to disagree on this one. It doesnt matter anyway he went back to his wife
GreenEyedLady Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I think we will have to agree to disagree on this one. It doesnt matter anyway he went back to his wife I think that's the point. It shouldn't matter to the OP. Some people are more reckless about introducing every potential to their children, which is a value unique to the individual. I didn't introduce anyone to my children after I divorced until I was serious. And the only man they ever met was my now H. But not everyone is not as diligent. I think with men especially, they need help with the child rearing and they try to find a replacement ASAP to help them with the caretaking. That is of course, MHO. And I'm not making a value judgment, just saying that it is a value. GEL
jj33 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I agree GEL. I have never met anyones children and wouldnt want to unless we were planning to be engaged its not appropriate in my view. But we dont really know what was going on between them, how serious he thought he was at the time. Who knows. But the OP obviously thinks of this as a showing of love and why deny her that? Its over why not leave her to her memories.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I don't get that she is wanting to have good memories. I am reading that she wants to paint MM as a bad parent and put him down to make herself feel better. Maybe I'm wrong. GEL
jj33 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Maybe I read her intent wrong. In that case who cares he is out of her life
breaking_bad Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Not sure how come it's relevant now or what the purpose is for thinking about it after the fact, but the question of introducing kids in a relationship is pretty slippery. If you intend to be w/ someone in the normal world, there comes a time that you introduce the kids, and that judgement call is up to the parent, or up to the partner to say I don't think that's a good idea, if there's hesitation on whether or not they're ready for that step. You obviously were ready for that step, maybe he thought since he was separated, that he was ready for that step. Probably nothing you could have done and certainly nothing you can do now but you have to be super cautious on this subject. I have a 16 year old who thinks I'm a nun and I've been divorced since he was 4. And there have been other men's kids I've said no to meeting for various reasons. Now in this case, granted the baby doesn't give a crap, and I'm sure she doesn't remember you. But it's the idea that's dangerous. I don't think this is a MM issue, it's just an issue for single parents. The fact that you had eggo the waffler as the dude making the call here means that you probably should get a personal stand/opinion on this subject going forward should you plan to date any other dudes with kids.
Silly_Girl Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I was living with my husband (separate rooms, opposing shifts, no life/socialising together, we had been separated some months) and started a serious relationship with someone else, my husband was aware. I had very little spare non-child time, due to f/t job and p/t studying and I asked husband's permission to introduce my boy to my bf. Husband and bf met, got on fine, husband had no issue. I didn't have my lad around my bf a lot but we did do things, or meet up, when I had my son with me. Although we weren't openly affectionate for quite a long time. I wouldn't have (initially) introduced my son to my bf without my then-husband's permission. I have never wondered how long I would have waited if my husband had opposed the contact between them.
Fallen Angel Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 My children have a wonderful relationship with my sweetheart despite his MM status. (My children are aware of his status.) He is a big part of my life, and my children are an even pigger part of my life, so there was a point at which we had to decide how much contact there would be between the two parts. We started slowly, and I spoke with my children about meeting him prior to the introduction. They had already known he was married, thanks to their father, and I did not want to force a relationship on my children that they did not want. All if my children chose to meet him. They all love him, and he loves them. We spend much time together and he is a large part of our "family". (Family to us is those people you choose to have in your life, not a piece of paper or a blood tie. My kids have many "aunts and uncles" with whom there is no legal familial tie, but those aunts and uncles would do all and give all for the love of my kids. *smile*) I think if a couple is planning a future, if they are in a long term relationship there is nothing wrong with your partner meeting your children. But I would be unlikely to introduce my children to someone I did not have a commitment with, in that case it is unfair to both the children and the new partner.
seren Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I am one who doesn't think new partners should be introduced until a divorce is final. I think that is showing a lack of concern for any confusion and drama happening at the time for the child. Separated isn't divorced. When my Xh and I split up, I swore that I would never introduce my son to someone else unless I knew it was going to be long term. I was seeing my now H for 18 months before I introduced them to each other. I explained the relationship. I so hate for children to be introduced to different partners wily nily. I also think the child needs to understand the dynamics of Mummy and her friend's relationship so as to not cause confusion. I remember my XH introducing our son to her unannounced and son asking me who she was, why daddy kissed her, did this mean she was going to be his Mummy, did I love him? To say I was annoyed is just such an understatement. Even thought the woman was really nice, the introductions needed to be done carefully, planned and with care given to our son's feelings.
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