Discovered my wife's affair. Now what?

[whichwayisup]

Well, it's a new day, and I can see they spent 65 minutes on the phone last night around midnight.

 

I wonder what you talk about for an hour at midnight. I doubt you talk about your marriages and how you should no longer be speaking.

 

So that means the EA has gone on 4 weeks without me knowing while lying about it, as well as 2 days WITH me knowing about it - and her best friend whose house she's staying at.

 

It's probably been going on alot longer than you think.......

 

You sure she's at her bestfriends house?

 

I'm resigned to the fact that when she gets home tomorrow she won't be willing to go NC tomorrow and she'll be moving out for a time.

 

At that point, how often do I contact her? None, because she knows what the stakes are? Or occasionally, as I am still her husband, to continue to let her know I'm willing to work on our marriage and try to convince her that it's the right thing to do?

 

Ofcourse she isn't going to go into NC mode with her OM.

 

OK, the woman you married and fell inlove with is GONE (atleast for now) the woman who has replace her is SELFISH and living in a fog, fantasy land.

 

She will not change until SHE feels consquences. DO NOT try to fight for her, or win her back..Right now you can't compete for what she feels for the OM. Yes, she loves you, but she is so emotionally attached to the OM, so what she feels for you has been buried..

 

Pack up some of her bags and have them ready for her when she comes home. Tell her to get out and don't come back, that you're going to speak to a lawyer. She needs to see that you mean business and that if she walks out the door, it's over. MEAN IT too. Doesn't mean that in 2 months time you could change your mind, (she doesn't need to know that though) and take her back with certain conditions (counseling, NC mode etc..).. She needs to feel the loss of not having you in her life. No money, no helping her out, nothing. People do NOT change unless they suffer consquences and reach their rock bottom.

 

Also, expose the A. Family, friends etc..

[foster2545]

It's probably been going on alot longer than you think.......

 

You sure she's at her bestfriends house?

 

 

Yes. Plane to St Louis and all that, I tracked the flight and saw some credit card charges from there last night. I also know that she did not meet OM until grad school began 6 weeks ago.

 

Argh... But why pack her bags and kick her out before she's even told me whether she's willing to end the EA and go NC? Obviously her actions since I found out indicate otherwise but I feel like I should hear what she has to say first and offer her one last opportunity (for now).

[Steadfast]

Yes. Plane to St Louis and all that, I tracked the flight and saw some credit card charges from there last night. I also know that she did not meet OM until grad school began 6 weeks ago.

 

Argh... But why pack her bags and kick her out before she's even told me whether she's willing to end the EA and go NC? Obviously her actions since I found out indicate otherwise but I feel like I should hear what she has to say first and offer her one last opportunity (for now).

 

I'm going to inject just a bit of reality here, but before I do please understand that the advice you're receiving works against 1) enabling her affair and 2) puts you in the best possible position to save the marriage.

 

OK? No one here wants to see another divorce Foster. You're getting advice from a bunch of divorced people who, through hindsight, see and acknowledge how a betrayed spouse should react to such a situation. That is, go against everything that is part of her cheating and make her understand that you will have no part in it. It's a strong position, and the only thing she will recognize and see while living in the affair fog.

 

Make yourself attractive to her by taking away all the things you bring, including your attention, comfort and conversation. No need to tell her you love her and care, she knows that. She doesn't care, at least right now, and might not really understand what she's lost until years have past.

 

No need to be an a-hole about things; reacting wildly and letting emotion control you. Listen to what she has to say (after asking what her intentions are) and don't be surprised if she responds with confusion, anger, or outright rebellion. Anything less than "I'm sorry I did this and I am 100% willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage" means she has no intention of stopping but would like you around as a back up plan or for comfort if needed. She's cheating, do you think she has any reservations about using you to her benefit? Doormat's are not attractive.

 

You decide on who to expose the affair to. I have my own thoughts on that procedure and they do not harmonize with most of the others here.

 

Finally, understand that their conversations most likely consist of her telling the OM how confused and upset she is, followed by tidbits of information relating to how attractive she thinks he is, and how he's always on her mind. She is probably testing the waters to see how far he's willing to extend himself if she leaves the marriage. Him? He's telling her to be strong, that she's wonderful and that it's a shame someone so lovely and thoughtful is caught in a failing marriage. More than likely (especially if he's married) he is resisting any talk of commitment and is probably more focused on doing and saying what it takes to have sex with her.

 

Hang in there and be strong. We're pulling for you-

Edited August 1, 2010 by Steadfast

[norajane]

I'm resigned to the fact that when she gets home tomorrow she won't be willing to go NC tomorrow and she'll be moving out for a time.

 

At that point, how often do I contact her? None, because she knows what the stakes are? Or occasionally, as I am still her husband, to continue to let her know I'm willing to work on our marriage and try to convince her that it's the right thing to do?

 

Absolutely not! SHE is the one cheating, so SHE is the one who should be trying to convince YOU to forgive her and to work on the marriage. Why don't you get this? Why are you acting like you are the one who was caught cheating and needs to beg her to forgive you?

 

If she won't end her affair and have no contact with this guy, then yes, she has to leave the house. And you have nothing to say to her unless she has first ended the affair and is begging you to work on the marriage and has given thought to some concrete steps SHE can take (like counseling) to fix this mess.

 

Don't be contacting her to remind her that you are her doormat back-up guy and will be there waiting for her with open arms if things don't work out for her with the other guy. The woman has no respect for you at this time, so if you act like her doormat, she will continue to have no respect for you. You need to man-up and show her that you demand respect from the woman who is supposedly your wife. If you don't do that, she'll never respect you and will never be yours again.

Edited August 1, 2010 by norajane

[spriggig]

I'm resigned to the fact that when she gets home tomorrow she won't be willing to go NC tomorrow and she'll be moving out for a time.

 

At that point, how often do I contact her? None, because she knows what the stakes are? Or occasionally, as I am still her husband, to continue to let her know I'm willing to work on our marriage and try to convince her that it's the right thing to do?

 

NC is you going no contact with her. She has to decide to end the affair on her own--the only option you have there is to expose it to everyone.

 

SHE IS GOING TO LIE. She'll admit the evidence that you have and tell you "we're just friends", "you're overreacting", etc. You'll be tempted to believe this which is why it's a good idea to turn the house over NOW searching for stronger evidence. I went through this exact thing, my first evidence was comparatively weak--an address and a plane ticket. She said it was just three friends she met online she was going to see, I believed her. Two weeks later I found the love letter. She flew out to see him two weeks later anyway.

 

She isn't willing to work on this marriage CURRENTLY because she's in the fog. You CAN'T convince her that "it's the right thing to do". She doesn't care whether you want to work on the marriage, as far as she is concerned it's over. If you get into this with her, she'll be hesitant and that will give you hope--really she's just trying to let you down easy. Her mind is made up--she had to make up her mind to be able to start the affair.

 

1. Get all the evidence you can (No evidence? See below for an optional path.)

2. Pack a bag for her.

3. Confront her with the evidence, calmly.

4. Explain that you "need some space"--this is all the signal you give that you are willing to work on this. Tell her to leave.

5. Initiate No Contact.

6. Expose the affair.

7. Wait.

 

Optionally, do none of this and bide your time. Time to collect the evidence you need to spur you to action on the above list. If you choose this path, you let this subject drop with her and you start snooping. You'll find what you need in less than a week. My guess is she isn't hiding this very well and remember she's been apart from her new boyfriend for several days--they'll want to see each other.

[whichwayisup]

Yes. Plane to St Louis and all that, I tracked the flight and saw some credit card charges from there last night. I also know that she did not meet OM until grad school began 6 weeks ago.

 

Argh... But why pack her bags and kick her out before she's even told me whether she's willing to end the EA and go NC? Obviously her actions since I found out indicate otherwise but I feel like I should hear what she has to say first and offer her one last opportunity (for now).

 

OK, when she gets back you tell her something along these lines:

"It's either me or the OM. You cannot have it both ways. Say goodbye and go NC (you can do an email together so HE knows you know) and work with me on our marriage, do counselling (together and apart) OR, you can pack your bags and move in with the OM, we'll divorce."

 

Again, her frame of mind is NOT rashional nor is it thinking of you, the pain she's caused you. Her selfishness and emotions are ruling over reality. she isn't the woman you married right now, not even close.

[spriggig]

It doesn't matter to her that you are willing to work on this. If you reveal this now you'll appear weak and needy and it will do NOTHING to sway her mind.

 

People want what they can't have--you have to let her know that she can't have you. She won't miss you if you're still around. If nothing ever changes, nothing ever changes.

 

SHE has to decide to come back to YOU. She can't do that if she's still with you. She can't do it while she's still with him--she has to be cut loose on both sides to decide to come back to you.

 

What she can do while she's still with you is further plan her escape on her own terms, because if she's with you she still wants to escape, then try to convince you that you should still be friends so SHE has a soft landing. She is thinking only of herself right now, you're late to the game--you have to catch up in the next two days. You're not going to be able to let her go in two days, so you have to push her away. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do and most guys fail--don't be like most guys!

 

Oh, and number 9 on my list is Work on yourself.

 

You might recognize that what you're being told to do here has been summed up for generations in "If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, it was never meant to be." It's the wisdom of ages, but the devil is in the details.

Edited August 1, 2010 by spriggig

[Iconoclast]

Foster, what is your plan? Be explicit.

 

Few questions.

Own or rent a home? In who's name? Vehicles?

Does she work? Do you share financials? Do you have savings? Credit cards?

Home computer? Does she have a laptop?

[wrencn]

Foster- I am so sorry you are going through this but - just wanted to chime in and let you know that if nothing else NC is going to get you to a better place mentally/physically faster. It is tough but it will help you rebuild your strength and most importantly your PRIDE. Do what I did, go NC then go to meetup.com and join as many groups and meet as many people you can- you've gotta keep your mind busy or you will go crazy wondering what they talk about and what they do together. Best of luck to you.

[foster2545]

@spriggig - Thank you for the feedback. (However, I mentioned in the OP that I have already found sufficient evidence [a GMail chat], confronted her, and she admitted it.) OM is married and lives several states away; seeing him without me knowing would be nearly impossible.

 

Other details: We own a home with both names on the lease. We each have a car in our name. Shared financials, savings, credit cards, and accounts. We both work. We both have loans only in our own names. I own a desktop and laptop that she uses occasionally.

Edited August 2, 2010 by foster2545

[wrencn]

@spriggig - Thank you for the feedback. (However, I mentioned in the OP that I have already found sufficient evidence [a GMail chat], confronted her, and she admitted it.) OM is married and lives several states away; seeing him without me knowing would be nearly impossible.

 

Other details: We own a home with both names on the lease. We each have a car in our name. Shared financials, savings, credit cards, and accounts. We both work. We both have loans only in our own names. I own a desktop and laptop that she uses occasionally.

Get the OM's wifes number and email her the gmail chats. Put him on BLAST!

[spriggig]

@spriggig - Thank you for the feedback. (However, I mentioned in the OP that I have already found sufficient evidence [a GMail chat], confronted her, and she admitted it.) OM is married and lives several states away; seeing him without me knowing would be nearly impossible.

 

Other details: We own a home with both names on the lease. We each have a car in our name. Shared financials, savings, credit cards, and accounts. We both work. We both have loans only in our own names. I own a desktop and laptop that she uses occasionally.

 

Just hoping you don't make the same mistakes I did.

[collegeguy_24]

Get the OM's wifes number and email her the gmail chats. Put him on BLAST!

 

Do this!

 

Also, I am sorry for what your going through, even though I was never married, I did have a GF who cheated on me. So in one small instance I can feel a little of your pain. I do wish you well and I hope you take the advice of the people on this board seriously.

[norajane]

OM is married and lives several states away

 

Well, then, you've got all the power here. You just don't realize it.

 

The OM is interested in an affair - he is not looking to leave his wife. Most MM who cheat are not interested in leaving their wives - they just want something on the side, no matter how they might speak to the OW with words of "soul mates". So he isn't going to want her to leave you for him, because he doesn't want to mess up his home life with his wife. He wants to get in her pants, and he may encourage that, but he's not going to be leaving his wife and waiting for her with open arms, and she won't be moving in with him, that's for sure.

 

You want to nip the affair in the bud? You can tell his wife. Blow the doors open, so she finds out sooner rather than later that he will throw her under the bus as soon as his home life is threatened.

 

However, you don't really need to do that. You just need to be firm and tell her to get out of the house unless she immediately ends her affair. Should she leave, MM isn't going to be much help, and the more she tries to get out of him, the more distant he will become. You can let her find out for herself how much he doesn't really love her and how it so isn't going to work out between them the way she is fantasizing about right now.

 

Either way, you need to consider whether you want to be her default guy - the guy she comes crawling back to when it doesn't work out with MM. Maybe you don't want to be that guy. Maybe you want her to choose your marriage because she really wants to be with you. She won't make that choice if you are a doormat and let her carry on her affair under your nose, in your house, and in your bed. Don't let her do that.

[stillafool]

I started noticing harmless texts with a new friend, study sessions at his house, etc., and even mentioned this. She explained it as making good new friends. I trusted her but I started feeling like she was growing distant.

 

School ended yesterday and I prepared for a big confrontation where I wanted to know exactly what was going on. She again insisted they're good friends and that was it.

 

You trusted her when she told you the above and then you found out what's below.

 

As she revealed that she thinks she's in love with him,

1. She's in love with someone else.

2. She hid it from me.

3. She lied about it repeatedly when I asked.

4. She was "never 100% positive" that I was the right person.

 

She insists nothing physical happened and I believe her. At that point she had no more reason to lie.

 

Do you honestly believe she is telling you the truth that they didn't have sex? I'll bet you a million dollars they did. That is the last thing she would be honest about but you know they did.

[Steadfast]

At this point, I see no reason to squeeze more drama from this man's situation. He has been very clear in reporting what he knows or suspects.

 

OP, I encourage you to follow the advice given. This hits so close to many of us. Reading this account is almost like reliving personal experiences. We want you and your wife to make it. You have been given good advice.

 

Please take it.

[Binster]

Your geting some really good advice here pal. I dont know if things can work out or not but this is all good advice.

Use it.

[cookie2]

Hey Foster, just wanted to add my agreement to everyone else. I'm in pretty much the same situation as you, married 9 months and my STBXW had an affair, said all the same things. I had evidence of an EA but not of a PA, but she didn't know that, so I confronted and she admitted a PA. I guarantee you they have had sex. There is very little hope of reconciliation; as norajane said the OM is not going to leave his wife, so your wife is not going to want to leave your house. It will be hard for you to determine whether she is genuinely reformed or just doing it because it's the best option for her ATM, in fact she may not even know herself. She may appear to have reformed but she will just be doing it for the easy life, until someone else comes along. There is only one possible thing she could have done, that is 24/7 begging for forgiveness and submitting to all your demands, the first of which is NC with the OM. Anything other than that, and she's out the door.

[seibert253]

Foster,

If you haven't done so, read up on the 180 here and start right now.

1st, the 180 is not for her, it's for you. It's to help you start to detact and heal.

 

One unintended consequence of the 180 is that sometimes the WS see's the BS detacting and moving away from M, and they realize what they're getting ready to lose. Thus the WS comes back to the M.

This is not the focus of the 180, but sometimes this is the result.

 

Regardless, when your W returns from her trip, you two need to sit down and have a heart to heart.

You need to tell her your intention of not giving up on your M, but her actions and continued involvement in her A will leave you no choice but to re-evaluate your position.

If she wants to work to save your M there's several things you require:

1. End and maintain NC with the OM

2. Complete and total honesty and transparency from her

3. MC and IC to help you two heal

 

Let her know it's all or nothing. She commits to all, or you will D her.

 

If she waffles or says no, if you haven't already, start the exposure process. Tell everyone, family, friends, and especially the OM's family. Is he M'd? Don't you believe his W deserves to know what's going on? She could prove to be a valuable allie.

Also, if she doesn't want to end the A, tell her to move out. Now you can't make her, but she needs to see you're not going to tolerate her nonsense.

Alot of times exposure knocks the WS right off the fence. The fantasy is gone and reality sets in. Exposure knocked my FWW right off the fence.

 

No matter what, contact an attorney. You need to be aware of your rights, and you need to protect yourself.

 

Good luck and keep us informed.

[sotagoon]

I have been separated for 9 months and it has completely killed me in every way except for the fact that I am still breathing.

 

I came to LS today to try to find a spec of strength to get through the day as I am on the down-swing of the rollercoaster.

 

THIS POST IS THE MOST AUTHENTIC, TO THE POINT INFORMATION YOU WILL FIND.

 

I have done the begging, pining and everything else under the sun in reaction to her leaving and her vilification of me and my life.

 

FKCU.....I even picked her up (NOT KNOWING WHERE SHE WAS) outside the OM's house one night because she called at 3am and she sounded like somone had hurt her.

 

DO EVERYTHING FOR YOURSELF RIGHT NOW....IGNORE HER....AND TELL HER STRAIGHT UP.....EITHER WE WORK ON THIS TOGETHER...STARTING RIGHT NOW.....OR IT'S DONE....NO GIVE ME A DAY...A WEEK..A MONTH...NO NOW!!!!!!!!

 

BTW...I don't know what just happened....but this post just gave me something I haven't had for the last 9 months.....MY BALLS BACK!

 

Good luck....I know how you feel....If you want.....you can read my story...it's not pretty....but probably a great example of WHAT NOT TO DO.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t214146/?highlight=train

 

It's been a long time since I posted here so forgive me if I'm a bit obtuse.

 

Passive or Aggressive doesn't matter at this point. You can be loving yet tough. Create consequences and respect her decisions. Just be ready for decisions that hurt you.

 

What is the best way to win your marriage back at this point? Focus on yourself and not her. Lead through your positive actions and not her negative actions. Be the better man, not for her, but for yourself. Live life for yourself and to the fullest.

 

At some point in your marriage, you've compromised a part of what makes you who you are to be a better husband. It's time to reclaim yourself in this ordeal. That's how you survive and thrive in this situation.

 

Don't be led by your emotions. Be strong and show no sadness, no regret, no remorse. You're not at fault here, so be upbeat as much as possible. A good person will find happiness, whatever the form it make take.

 

Take care and best wishes.

[Owl]

Foster...I'd like to let you know that there may well indeed be hope for your situation...and that the advice you've been given to expose, insist on NC, and pretty much all of the advice you've been given up to this point is dead on.

 

I was in your shoes about 6 years ago when my wife got involved in an EA with an OM.

 

I started out a bit wishy-washy...I did exposure, and insisted that they end the affair. It took work...about six weeks before NC was finally REALLY in place.

 

But it worked. We're happily married now, six + years later.

 

Here's the link to my old story if you're interested:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

Take a look...stick with the advice you've been given here about setting boundaries, insisting on NC, exposure, etc...

 

I'd also agree with working on identifying things in yourself that you should work on improving as well.

 

If you're interested, you might also pick up a copy of the book "Surviving an Affair". Also, "Not Just Friends" is another useful resource.

 

Last thought...fighting to save your marriage is NOT a 100 meter dash. It's more like running the marathon...twice.

 

Its a LONG TERM effort...and won't be fixed within the next few days/weeks/months.

 

But INSIST on NC to start RIGHT NOW! Set a clear consequence as to what happens if she doesn't/refuses...like she moves the heck out today, with no financial support from you going forward. And make sure you're willing to stick to that consequence if she does refuse.