An obvious minefield or am I a coward...(longish)

[findingnemo]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am new here but I have followed with interest many threads in the LDR Forum. I need your advice please. Late last year (6 months after my separation from husband), I met the most extraordinary man. We have since been very intimate (all the way), flown to see each other, spoken on the phone eveyday and shared our day-to-day activities. He has been a great adviser for me in terrible times and shown that he cared for me in so many ways. What bothers me is his attitude towards love and relationships. For instance, he will not admit that we are in a relationship!!! He was married and left his wife 20 years ago. He took his 2 daughters as well as his wife's daughter from a previous relationship and brought them up solely. That should make him a great guy. Right? Well, he has the most liberal (ie. anti-establishment) views on love. He says he doesn't believe in "relationships" and that in his experience (his wife had issues) people will do whatever they want regardless of what is at stake and who they hurt. Sounds reasonable? Yes. But...Since we begun our "non-relationship", we seem to be getting closer and closer. He tells me he loves me and I do the same. In my view, we are in full blown LDR.

 

Beginning last week, he seems to be shutting me out. I believe that there is something bothering him. But he won't talk to me for more than 3 minutes on the phone. He doesn't IM or Video Chat any more claiming he has issues signing onto Skype and today I called him and he didn't pick up or return my call which he usually would do within a short period of time. I sent him a text telling him that I hoped he was OK and that he should please tell me if something is wrong with him. His response: "I'm good but busy trying to catch up. I have to travel soon". I am flying to his city on Tuesday for business. Although I need only 4 days, I had planned to spend the weekend with him and will be there 7 days. He knew all about my upcoming trip and it seems obvious to me that we take this oppotunity to spend time together. Last time (only time I have gone there), he got me a serviced apartment and drove me to all my appointments. He was great. Since I have never been in an LDR before, I don't know whether this is a bad sign or not. I am planning to travel anyway since I was going on business and doing my own thing (hotel, etc) like I should. But do I cancel the weekend and change my flight to come back earlier? Should I really just go without saying anything more and not call him? What kind of emergency trip can come up at the very time I will be there? I KNOW there is a problem here. But is it just me stressing or is this guy backing out?

[lala82]

It seems that he is like a kind of guy, who does not like to be in serious relationships. You said that he does not admit that is in a relationship with you. I think that he does need to admit or recognize that is in a relationship. Sorry for telling, you but I think that he does not feel in a relationship.

 

I think that you are waisting your time with him if you really want a serious relationship. I think that he changed with you, because he is not ready to be in a relationship with you. But, if you want to continue with him, do not expect that he is going to change his mind easily.

 

You need to be honest with you. If you think that he is going to appretiate the fact that you are travelling to see him, go ahead. Otherwise, save yourself a bad time.

 

Anyway, good look with your decision

[findingnemo]

It seems that he is like a kind of guy, who does not like to be in serious relationships. You said that he does not admit that is in a relationship with you. I think that he does need to admit or recognize that is in a relationship. Sorry for telling, you but I think that he does not feel in a relationship.

 

I think that you are waisting your time with him if you really want a serious relationship. I think that he changed with you, because he is not ready to be in a relationship with you. But, if you want to continue with him, do not expect that he is going to change his mind easily.

 

You need to be honest with you. If you think that he is going to appretiate the fact that you are travelling to see him, go ahead. Otherwise, save yourself a bad time.

 

 

Anyway, good look with your decision

 

 

Thanks for responding. You are right about him not wanting a relationship. I have just come back from the business trip I talked about and met him. i tried to talk to him and he was pretty clear that he didn't want to discuss things with me. What I heard was that he has some urgent issues he needs to deal with and that i am a distraction once again. Anyway, I am in no mood to get stressed over love and relationships and have decided to leave him alone.

 

Thanks again for you advice. It is spot on. This guy is fine being free and single!!!

[FitChick]

If you aren't even divorced yet, should you be getting seriously involved with anyone so soon? I avoid separated men like the plague. I was the Transitional Woman too many times and learned my lesson.

[findingnemo]

Good point!!!

[findingnemo]

Thanks everybody for your advice. I just thought I would post an update. My SO and I had a long discussion and seemed to sort things out on the trip I took. On our one-year anniversary (November 2010), things started to change. I suddenly made up my mind about our pseudo-relationship and have since ended it. We are still friends but I guess I just got fed up with the non-commitment. I also decided shortly after posting here to re-examine my life and my feelings.

 

I have realized that I have some unresolved issues that I need to deal with . Not only do I need to divorce my abusive and irresponsible husband (started process, yeah!!!), I also need to figure out how to stop loving a certain someone from my past. So I will say good bye to the LDR forum and find the appropriate one. Thanks again.