My long not so fairy tale

[Achlys]

Ive lurked for long enough, time to get it out there. Although i will probably keep my opinions to myself with regards to anyone else for awhile, i cant work out my own life, so im in no place to give advice.

 

My husband and I met online 7 years ago. Im 37 and him 36. Ill probably have to smooth over alot here or i will be typing for days and days. As it is im sure this will be very long been silent on too much for too long. Be warned now and click the back button!!!

 

We lived in seperate countries. Me Canada, him UK. We talked for months. Then he visited me for 7 weeks, 4 months later i came to the UK for 6 months. While I was here he asked me to marry him. Though we had already discussed that was an only option for us to be together. I left at the end of my six months, and 5 months later in August we were married, hed come to Canada for that. But then two weeks after we were married he had to leave and we started the Visa process. I didnt see him again for a further 6 months.

 

Despite all the time we had spent apart, we talked constantly, and i do mean constantly. Msn, webcam, the phone, once between them we spend 36 hours straight just talking. I really thought, as did he at the time we were soulmates. I was his princess and him my prince. We called it our fairy tale. We had both been married before, and both ready to do it right this time. I would have done anything for this man. I have a daughter, shes 18 now, she decided to stay in Canada and finish her schooling. He has two boys, now 14 and 12, alot younger the time and he was unwilling to leave them until they were older. So i sold everything i owned, put my elderly cat to sleep and left the only home i had ever known.

 

Then I got to the UK and i fell apart. I missed my family, i hated england, spoke in canada has this, canada has that terms constantly. Thinking about it now, i HATE myself. Years before I had suffered with a bout of depression and anxiety and had gone thru some councelling. My first mistake was never to have mentioned this. I was 20 at the time, alot of years had passed. I thought it didnt matter. It did. I got here and i just seemed to freeze. I was afraid to leave the house, I was completely useless to him. I couldnt work, couldnt go get milk. And eventually I turned suicidal. I will openly admit now that most of our problems exist because of me. The stress I placed on us was something anyone would have struggled to cope with. But he, well isnt the worlds most empathetic person and has a VERY wicked temper, prone to simply saying the first horrible nasty thing he thinks without thought. And might I add, a fear of ever taking said things back, out of then never being believed for any of his words. Ive learned alot about him and myself through all this, and am in a better place now to understand HOW he works, and forgive. When no one else around me can understand how i can forgive his words and alot of his actions. Hes troubled himself i have no doubt. But having never seen anyone for his issues, i dont know exactly what is wrong. I in anger say hes schizophrenic, but sometimes do believe it. Hes narcissitic definately!!

 

Ive digressed... I was on a two year visa, i would need to apply again in two years for longer. always we had a time limit hanging over our heads, either while visiting, or with the visa. Two years went by, Id fall apart over nothing, nothing felt real, I did love him, and did care how he was being affected, but it was like it was all a dream where you are powerless to move. I tried to get help but it was hard to find, and he will say i didnt try hard enough, and he is right. I did work for 4 months of those two years, after I received an ultimatum from him, work or leave. Because I was capable of finding a job after he said that, he then insisted that there was nothing wrong with me, i was doing it on purpose. My parents were visiting for Christmas and he also said that is why i did it. He may be right again, im very private, no one but my H knew how i truly felt and was. Yes there were good times, there was always good times. We were 'meant to be together, true love' Yet underneath was my issues weighing everything down.

 

Fast forward. While we had tried councelling for a short while, money again. It hasnt been able to help without the longer commitment. He eventually had enough, couldnt handle not knowing what i would do, if id be in the bathroom with a razor blade, told me to leave. Can you blame him? In point of fact, told me he wanted a motorcycle and yes that was more important to him then me Yes, for that i blame him. Obvously funds were always an issue with us. And hes a man who loves THINGS! Both of us intelligent but neither having lived up to that and made 'sometime' of ourselves. Side note, I think that is one of the things that connected us, the ability to 'get' each other, having met an equal...well an intellectual one at least. I like to say now that hes the smartest dumb guy ive ever known.

 

I did, i went home to canada. I was there for 8 months. 8 months of begging and pleading, but not working at first. For two months I set to work on me, i saw a councellor on a regular basis and worked some personal things out, but never him and I. I was determined to fix me and be worth something to myself and him. We still had almost constant contact, tho sometimes a few days would go by, those almost killed me, not knowing what he was doing, and being so far away. Im sure by now the more astute of you have sensed the clingy neediness in me. Ive worked alot of that out, but days when im really down like today its still very much there.

 

Then one day i came to the computer to find him saying ' You are the love of my life, I cant fight it anymore i want you to come home' Sorries, tears and long long convos later, i thought that was what i was doing. I felt like a kid at christmas!

 

Within days, he got into an accident on said motorcyle. Was in the hospital with a broken pelvis among other injuries. I stupidly told him id get there, one way or another. i was flat broke, as was he. I had no place to go, since he was now living at his mums.(apparently i wasnt welcome there) I desperately tried to find a live in job anything so i could just jump a plane. I couldnt. He blamed me for not coming ever since. And I too wish i just had, living at the frigging hospital if i had to.

 

So once again i wasnt wanted back. I was devestated, but still determined i could make up for all that i had done. I found a job, continued councelling and just hoped hed actually SEE me. Yes, still asking him almost daily if i could come back, ugh. Fast forward again to shorten this. 6 months later I was back 'home' with him. No big declaration like hed done before, just 'so are you coming home then?'

 

That was a year and a half ago. Things were good at first, I immediately set to finding work, going out and doing all the things i hadnt been able to do before, trying my best to SHOW him i wasnt going to let him down again. but i got an ear infection, no big deal right? Wrong, it caused me to have vertigo and my world spun out of control everytime i moved. Which of course didnt help with finding a job. I feel like something has been working against us every step. I know they say that anything good is worth the fight, but surely a break once in awhile is nice too?? He had moments of blowing up, calling me the worst names imagineable, lazy seems to be his favorite. He likes to have a go at my belief in the 'fairy tale' a belief he used to share. all it meant was finding that one special person who you wanted forever with, would do whatever it took for. but now its just a joke to him. But in between his anger, we were just 'us', connected. throughout it all, we always connected, and had great times. Lots of I love yous, and time together. We could spend hours together talking, anything we did together was fun, sex was great. Again we had little money and bills were an constant worry, so the things we did together tended not to be far. But even a night out for dinner was special and more then enough for me..and i thought him. I know now he was very unhappy.

 

I eventually got a job in September. Im still in that job today. We spent what i thought was a nice christmas together. Then he gets invited to a friends for the weekend on New Years. I say friends but its actually his brothers friend, who is 10 years younger then him. He like me has no real friends. He asked me to go with. At first I said I would, but then told him honestly that i would like to have a quiet one him and I. Well the gist of that was, he was going with or without me. Which he did. And he hasnt 'lived' back here since.

 

I wish i had found this site sooner. Im guilty of doing everything wrong. Over contacting to the point of harassment, begging, hounding as he calls it, telling him what im doing right, instead of just letting my actions speak for themselves.

 

Yet once upon a time, we both felt the same and contacted each other all the time. Wanted that. I feel at times now i dont know him at all. Its so hard.

 

Still we have stayed in constant contact, despite his moving back to his mums. Sometimes its just how and what we are going, tho for me its very little. Others it just turns into full blown arguements, and boy are we capable of those! Im guilty as well of being just as nasty back to him, and telling him to grow up and move out of mummies, come home and be a man and work on your marriage. Not good I know. But i get so angry sometimes.

 

Hes been here ALOT. Will come and stay a few days, a few times for over a week. Hes said that he wanted to keep seeing me, but didnt want to 'be' with me. In other words he wanted me for his girlfriend. Well, im not his girlfriend, im his wife, who needed help with our bills, who needed someone she could count on. Who wanted commitment. Hes scared, i know that. Scared of being hurt again, but that fear has turned him into someone really nasty i dont recognise alot of the time.

 

Im proud of myself though, I kept going, working everyday, trying to keep the house going, food in the fridge. He says 'big deal its what you should have been doing anyways' Yes, hes right, but its exactly what he claimed to want, and now im doing it alone. Its been the biggest struggle of my life. Im totally alone here. He was my best friend. Somedays im so lonely I honestly dont know what to do with myself. I go nowhere that isnt a grocery store etc, and that i do alone, cause i cant afford to. Most days i cant even afford the phone card to call home and speak to my mom. God i sound pathetic when its written down!! I am working full time as a veterinary receptionist. Its just so expensive here, coupled with our debt im trying to deal with.

 

Ive been trying to find a cheaper place to live, without the memories, but its a small town im in now and the pickings are slim. Ive never been great at making friends, despite getting alone with pretty much everyone i meet. I just prefer myself. Just about everyone i work with is younger then me, and not into the same things at all. If ever there was time I was going to break and be the person hes afraid i will be again its now. Yet I feel stronger then ever, and I so desperate want the life we planned, I want a real life. and i finally know im capable of it. Yet all im doing in stagnating here in constant struggle and heartache. He just either doesnt seem to see it, or doesnt seem to care. He consistately brings up the past, talks to me like im still that person. calls me Lazy, and a mental patient. Its honestly like he doesnt see anything i do NOW.

 

I cant have convos and pretend to care about others cause im just selfish and incapable of it right now. Does anyone else feel that?? I put on a good brave face at work, but inside i feel like im dying. At the best of times im a loner, as was he, and prefer my own company. I have no friends, but i suppose I have ppl who i could at least text to reach out to, but i dont want to. Consumed with this and dont know what to do any longer.

 

I love my job and right now its what keeps me sane but its not enough. I stay because if i leave i lose my Visa which means my chance with him, and to see him. Yet to stay means a constant struggle to survive and loneliness like ive never felt, not to mention knowing he is happy without me, as he puts it sometimes.

 

Id told him All or Nothing many times but this time was determined to stick to it. Not to play the girlfriend when it suited him, but insist on more. He came to the house while i was at work, took pretty much the last of his things and left his wedding ring.

 

I finally decided to leave, after this. That was in June. He had texted and asked for his ring back, but i told him i was keeping it since it meant more to me then him. And what happened the night before i did leave?? he was coming over to say goodbye, before he got here I got a text that said 'I want to be with you forever' 'You dont give up on the people you love and I love you more then anything'

 

Again..Kid at christmas, though ill admit more wary this time.

 

Im sure you can guess what happened. We had a great night. I gave him back his ring. I used my ticket, went back to Canada but for a visit since i hadnt seen family in almost a year and a half. While I was there, he 'changed his mind'

 

At the risk of him finding this site(hes always spied on me in some way out whole relationship) Ill quote what his email said;

 

'I want you to know I love you very much more than anything sigh you said to say if I had anything on my mind truth is I'm scared ****less of us not working out and just going round in circles giving things another go. I want to be with you but I think it's for the wrong reasons. The thought of losing you completely kills me and I panicked before you left . Everything I said was true about me needing to give it everything and the counselling that's how I saw it. Everything seemed so simple what I needed to do. I'm really not confident I can be all those things and it be enough. I think it's all too much for me to

Go back to . You knew somethin wasn't right I know u could tell on the phone I can't let go tho. All I know is I'm keepin you hangin all the

Time and that's not fair. I'm sick of bein unable to committ to one choice seems so unfair all or nothing I never know what to do for best'

　

　

That night i was due to go out with my aunt, more like sister. Despite being beyond upset i went. I got sh*t faced drunk, and tried to forget him for just one night, and enjoy myself. My aunts boyfriend took my camera and take pictures of that night. Nothing happened, i met no one, only danced the night away with friends. I discovered that no amount of alcohol makes you truly forget, and i ended up texting him at 3 in the morning 'i miss you' blah. the next day I posted some of the pics on facebook, like you do. Just harmless stuff really, but there was one of me in the club and i appeared to be having a convo with a guy, while i was speaking to him in the moment, since he was a friend of my aunts, we were by no means 'chatting it up' he was 14 years younger then me!! My H loses it again and calls me whore in amidst his having a go at me. Hes still now over a month later not let it go.

 

Yes i came back to the UK. Hoping against hope there was still a chance. Ive been back a month. But here I sit alone, still struggling with everything. And him telling me he is happy by himself. And does not want to be with me, despite not having taken his ring off again ...Last week he came and bought dinner, watched a movie. The next night we went out to a movie, had dinner, he came back here, had sex, stayed the night. Ive been trying my hardest not to push the 'us' issue, but i dont want to live like this anymore. I want a full time husband!!!

 

Im almost at the end of this novel, and i can only apologise and thank any of you who are still with me for taking the time to read it. Maybe getting it all off my chest will help, i can only hope.

 

Yes we have used the word Divorce. Both of us in the heat of the moment and angry. 'Send the papers' 'Youll get served' etc. No sit down, calm talks. So i dont know, I know i wont be filing, not only because i dont want to, but i also cant afford to.

 

I mentioned before his love of things. while I understand as a child he had very little, I will never understand the need to spend all your money on ipods and computer and video game gear. To live with your mum so that you dont have to pay any bills and can spend your money on toys or whatever you want. Hes 36 for gods sake. Is he having a midlife crisis???

 

Because im struggling, and we were getting along, I asked him if I could borrow some money. Not much considering he now has no bills to pay bar his child support. £150, just enough so i could move into a flat I had finally found. His response, no. Its a bad move, he doesnt approve. Yes this flat is the same rent I am paying now, but what he doesnt seem to realise is its much cheaper to keep a flat then a house in terms of bills etc. And its not like i asked to HAVE it. only to borrow sigh

 

Anyways, that started more arguements, Id found this site and decided it was time. I started NC. Im so tired of arguing, the tit for tatting. I just cant do it anymore. It lasted two days before he text me, because as it happened that was the only the second time in 7 months i had something to do besides sit here alone. It was a leaving do for a girl at work, we were all going out for drinks. He text me at 11:30 the night I was out, calling me callous saying I was only using him. I of course stupidly responded, I missed him.

 

But now its all gone pear shaped from there. Like me i know he does very little. Hes a musician and has spent every penny kiting out his computer as a recordind studio and spends his time at that. But, hes away this weekend, to a friends whos on leave. (The same friend whos house he went at New Years) And since my 'night out' while in Canada hes been threatening how GREAT a time hes going to have on his. But on tuesday he started sending me texts saying he wanted to come over, for sex naturally. when i finally told him no, I wasnt going to be used anymore until he found a girl he really wanted, and was willing to take a chance on. And hes gone off the deep end.

 

Once upon a time when i believed he loved me, i told him, come to me for sex...you dont need to say it! i know i know!!

 

So hes saying that if our 'arrangement' is over he will find a REAL woman. He doesnt want a relationship with anyone. Hes got options, some of his friends girlfriends friends will be there, no worries. Hes 36 and good looking he doesnt have to go without. Im his first choice but obviously im not an option anymore. I told him no i wasnt an option. Im your wife and the ONLY choice not one of many, go do as you please. though the words just about killed me to text.

 

An hour later, he called, I was at work and I didnt answer, but he called back. Of course I answered, but he just said hed call me back when i got home as soon as he realised I was working. Finally after hours of waiting around for him to call, getting sicker and sicker, trying not to hope for good news, he calls and only ends up saying, 'He cant say he will never sleep with someone else, but he wanted to come over, and it is more then just sex, but I want more and he doesnt.' What was the point of that??? Isnt that the same thing he had already said?? Why does he torture me. And yes, I hear you asking..why do you let him? But im sure most of you already know the answer. I cant lose my hope, it just wont go away

 

But yes he has flat out said, he has no intention of ever coming back.

 

We had sex less then a week ago, how frigging starved for it can he be, and to be capable of it. I just feel sick. I sent him a final text told him again to 'go and do what makes him happy, apologised for what i hope was the last time, for not giving him that happiness myself, and asked him

not to contact me again. We no longer needed play by play of each others actions'. And now im again trying for NC. I did awake this morning to an email that simply said. 'Have a good weekend, I fully intend to.'

Even something as simple as that breaks my heart again. I dont want to contact him, I dont know what he did last night, or will tonight. My heart and even part of my head tell me he wont do anything, I still believe in him and us. But how can i not try and prepare myself for the worst, but HOW do you prepare for that??

 

Next month we will have been married for 5 years. But all told we have only spent 3 of those together. I dont personally think we have had a chance, the stress of everything and time limits has just been too much. I dont think we have ever worked wholeheartedly on us at the same time. Im absolutely devestated.

 

Where do i go from here now.

 

Be brutally honest with me, am i completely hopeless here??

　

　

[cavedweller]

Damn, what a mess you are in...

 

Some relationships were not ment to work.

 

Lfe is too short...Go 100% No Contact and get rid of him as fast as you can..

[xpaperxcutx]

Get a divorce!

 

It's like trying to run away while being handcuffed to a 300 lb elephant. You're just dragging yourself to stay afloat at this point.

[hopesndreams]

Your H is an immature mama's boy. He is cheating on you as well, you know this.

 

Move back to Canada to be with your family. He's a lost cause.

[Achlys]

After re-reading that I realised how doom and gloom it all sounded. I suppose im so down today im struggling to find any positive in anything we shared.

 

And as for the replies, i expected nothing less. Still it hurts to hear, but i wanted to. Thank you.

 

I honestly just dont know where to even start now. How to keep NC, feeling as i do. How to...live without him i suppose. (and no thats not me saying i dont want to live!) Just that i dont know what to do. Been a REALLY rough week. lost my foster cat too, had to be put too sleep

[spriggig]

I just wanted to say that your photo is really funny--I love the cat's expression, it looks like he photobombed you.

 

I understand what you mean about re-reading your own post, as I've done this with my own posts. It's all condensed in one spot and only about your relationship, so it seems so concentrated and overwhelming in retrospect. I think it's the life you lived in the spaces between the words you wrote that you should be concentrating on.

 

Remember that when people respond to your post many times it's because they see something of themselves in your words. As such, they are often speaking to themselves or even their own ex's as much as to you. And sometimes they are angry.

[You Go Girl]

I'm not the best at self-restraint and avoiding seeking instant gratification. I can be guilty of acting impulsively, so I understand to some degree. I'm no example of self-control by a long shot. But, you and your H, take the cake. Somebody has to say it flat out. There's no self-control in this relationship. It's sheer drama, day in, day out. Don't you get a little tired of all of that?

I feel for you that you have been trying to pull it together and he hasn't done his part. He may be extremely scared because of your past suicidal behavior. But even if he is, he's using it as an excuse to be as irresponsible as he wishes, and he's running amok with it.

I honestly don't see this relationship ever becoming anything other than it's past history. There's just too much maturing that needs to occur. I think the two of you feed off each other's drama. Hence the endless circular ups and downs. I don't know how you can make anything else out of this relationship. It is what it is, and will continue to be the same forever.

I think that you need a new direction in life. Your future relationship should be with someone very different from him, someone responsible, practical, reliable. YOU need to see the other side of life so that you can grow and become a more level, grounded, and balanced person yourself.

You're trying to do your part to be responsible and reliable. I truly applaud the progress you've made. You've come a long way. But I think you see now that partially what fueled your past dramatic behavior was that you were married from the get-go to an unstable immature person. (You were also extremely scared, home-sick, etc.)

He's still a boy. He's not going to grow up around you, because there's too many psychological avenues he can take with you to act out, and you will let him get away with 99% of it, and he knows it.

When he says he is going to get some nookie elsewhere, and never come back, believe him this time. Self-caused heartache should leave your 'to do' list for each day. I see it's been on the list for years now.

Marriage isn't a game of who can be more dramatic and play head games. This relationship isn't anything but that.

[Achlys]

 

I think that you need a new direction in life. Your future relationship should be with someone very different from him, someone responsible, practical, reliable. YOU need to see the other side of life so that you can grow and become a more level, grounded, and balanced person yourself.

.

 

I was with THAT guy for 9 years, married to him for 4. We were never really in love I guess. We split and divorced and i never looked back. Though we are still friends.

 

My H was that guy too, when i first came to the UK. Which is why i feel to blame. But you are right he is using it now to simply do as he pleases.

 

Having a very bad day, and you are right as well, hes probably off tonight to get some nookie and never coming back. Just finding that hard to face after all the obstacles we had face to be together at all. Hard to face sat here alone

 

But thanks for being honest

[Achlys]

I just wanted to say that your photo is really funny--I love the cat's expression, it looks like he photobombed you.

.

 

 

Hes a doll isnt he. I had to leave him when i went home to Canada the first time. just someone else of 'mine' thats gone to live at H mothers house. :S But I do still love that pictures very very much.

 

Thank you for your reply, it was very kind