noxb Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Forgive me if this is long. The short story is my mom doesn't agree with the decisions I am making, but I will elaborate with some details. There are a couple of major issues that I need some advice on. The first problem is my job. I am a 19 year old male and have had a considerable amount of success with my career. I've been with my company for only 1 year and have been an hourly supervisor for 4 months now they are offering me a salary management position for 70k a year. I am busting at the seems for an opportunity such as this one. When I found out about their proposal I went home with such wonderful news to tell my mom. To say the least she was not happy. The job is around 11 hours away from my home town. My mom still considers me a child which I am in some aspects but I believe I have proven I am mature and can make something of myself. She forbid me from taking the position, threatening that she would never speak to me again. I was rather perplexed by what she was saying. I was under the impression that parents should be happy for their children when the succeed. It has always been me and my mom, my father was never a part of my life. I love my mom very much but I don't understand why she is acting so absurd. I'm trying to reason with her but she still stands by her two points: I shouldn't move that far away from her cause that shows I don't love her and 19 year olds have no right to be making 70k a year. I don't believe either of those are valid arguments. The second problem is my girlfriend. We have been dating for 4 years now. My mom never had a problem with her until about 2 years ago. My girlfriends mother passed away. She went into some what of a depressed state of mind. Didn't really want to do anything, didn't want to go to school, not even her job. I stood by her I didn't understand what she was going through but I knew it had to be horrible. My mom was sympathetic for about an hour. Her mother passed away 1 month after she graduated from high school. 2 days after she buried her mom she was supposed to start school. She actually did start going but about month into it she missed to much and dropped out. Once again I stood by her all the way. She quit her job and really didn't do anything for about 4 months. Now it's 2 years later and she is back in school and doing great! She has a good job and all of her co-workers love her because she is such a hard worker. But my mom still calls her a failure. My mom has not let go of what happened 2 years ago even though my girlfriend feels better about everything and wants to actually start her life. I tell my mom how good she is doing and all my mom has to say is: she's wrong for you, she's gonna ruin your life, she is a user, you could do so much better, she is never gonna make anything of herself, etc etc. After being presented the job offer I decided that it was time for me to pop the question! We could plan the wedding over the next year by the time we would get married I would be 21. We are financially stable and mature enough to support ourselves. You can see how this was another problem for my mom. She told me that she would never go to our wedding and that she couldn't look at our children cause they came from a failure. I really am at a loss. I have no idea what to say or do. Nothing I say impacts her at all and she won't budge. I really need some advice on what to do. Thank you in advance.
Croyns Note Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 My brother is moving out of the house and going to college and it all seems pretty overwhelming to my mom. I can't say that I know that's what your mom is going through, but she obviously envisioned a picture perfect life for you growing up. She wanted you to have all the best things. What it sounds like is that she is too focused on you screwing up than on you taking a chance and trying to be somebody. I say that if you feel good about your desicions, you can't stick by what your mother says. You have to make your own life and not abide by what she says when you are legally an adult. Being a momma's boy myself (haha) I know that it is a lot easier said than done to disobey one of the most caring people in your life, but that care could be holding you back from a good life. And it seems like your girlfriend is really nice if you have been with her for four years, I hope your marriage is very special :]
Kamille Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Wow, you're amazingly accomplished for a 19 year olds! Congrats. I wasn't nearly as accomplished as you, but when I was 17, I applied and got a scholarship to move abroad, in a student exchange program. My mom flipped out and said I wasn't mature enough to go, that I was too irresponsible, etc etc. Fortunately for me, the coordinator of the program talked to her and I was allowed to go. It was a great opportunity for me and now my mom admits that she was wrong and that she is now glad that I stood my ground. It does sound like your mom is dealing with a lot. She raised you alone and now you're ready to make your own life as an adult. Remind her that this is because of the great job she did raising you and, also, do little things to remind her that even though you will be away, you will always need her. This could be little things like asking for her advice on finding an apartment to how to make your favorite recipe. Deep down your mom is likely afraid of the loneliness she will feel once you leave. Encourage her to join some activities she might like. You know her better than anyone: if she likes photography, why not spring to pay her a photography class for instance? As to the marriage, first, congrats! Second, your gf certainly won't be the first woman in the history of the universes to be confronted with her mother in law's disapproval. Yet, I have no advice to give you on how to convince your mom to come to the marriage. You're still young... Could you wait a couple of years before you tie the knot, to give your mom the time to come around to the idea, or would you like to get married before you two move in together in this new town?
AVR1962 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Noxb.....your mother is too involved with your life. She was out of line to tell you that she felt you could do better with somone else. This is one of those hard lessons in life but you are going to have to tell your mom that you love her and will always be her son but you have an opportunity you cannot pass up and that your girlfriend is a part of your life and you wish she could respect that. There doesn't have to be harsh words or even hurt feelings. I was 27 when I left my hometown and my family was hurt too that I decided to leave the area but it is a choice I have never regretted and I am 47 now.
Sophia8 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Firstly congratulations on the career opportunity offered to you and your engagement. Obviously I do not know anything about the relationship that you have with your mum but you have mentioned that it has always been you and your mum. It seems as though she is scared of being left behind, not only will it be a big change for you moving away but it will also be a big change for her. For the last 19 years her life has been focused on raising you and you would be amazed at how quickly that time flies by, one moment you were a little kid and now you've grown up etc. Maybe try talking to her calmly about it again, make her aware that you still love her, that you want to visit her and want her to visit you and still be a part of your life etc. As for the job opportunity, it seems amazing and something that you want to take so you should go ahead and take it. At the end of the day you need to do what is best for yourself regardless of how much you love your mum, if you do not you could end up resenting her. I think that a lot of mums often feel that son could find a better girlfriend and the same applies with fathers and their daughters, I accepted a while ago that my dad will probably never accept any guy that I'm in a relationship with. Just remember it's not her choice to make, all that matter is your opinion.
a_woman Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Forgive me if this is long. The short story is my mom doesn't agree with the decisions I am making, but I will elaborate with some details. (...) She forbid me from taking the position, threatening that she would never speak to me again. I was rather perplexed by what she was saying. I was under the impression that parents should be happy for their children when the succeed. It has always been me and my mom, my father was never a part of my life. I love my mom very much but I don't understand why she is acting so absurd. I'm trying to reason with her but she still stands by her two points: I shouldn't move that far away from her cause that shows I don't love her and 19 year olds have no right to be making 70k a year. I don't believe either of those are valid arguments. (...) She told me that she would never go to our wedding and that she couldn't look at our children cause they came from a failure. Why is it just the two of you? Why doesn't your mum have a partner? Does she have friends? I think she is very controlling and she would treat you the same if you were 40. You must make sure you don't give in to emotional blackmail
Ruby Slippers Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 You're a grown-up, not your mom's little boy anymore. It's time to cut the cord and separate your life and decisions from her control. Go live your life, and be happy. It's the best thing you can do for anyone -- yourself and everyone you love. If she can't accept this, she doesn't really love you, and is just behaving out of her own fears of being alone and having to lead her own independent life.
linwood Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 If your story is on the up & up I say get the hell away from your mother. She is unacceptably controlling. Take the job. I will however advise you not to marry your girl. You`re far too young, both of you. If it was meant to be it will still be meant to be in 5-6 years. Married at 19 is something you will most definitely regret down the line.
sanoe Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Hm, well no offense Noxb but you're Mom is acting pretty selfish. Only thinking of her needs and wants. She seems the type to want things to go her way and if they don't, she makes up ultimatums such as the 'never speaking to you again' thing. And judging your GF in such a way as to call her a failure? Wow is she ever apathetic to other peoples needs and emotional status. Her mother past away and all your Mum can say is that shes a failure? I'm not too sure but I think her compassion department is running pretty low. I'd say do what you think is best for your current livelihood and future. That means if you think the job is right for you, take it. Don't let others, even your Mum tell you whats what and how it should be done. Especially when they're as bias and opinionated as what she's saying. You're a big boy now with big boy dreams lol. Cut the cord and start living life.
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