onefootinthegrave Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 (edited) I will keep this simple. As it is blowing my mind apart at the moment. Well, I am a single in my 30's guy Met a married women through a mutual friend. (her married less than 5 years) We clicked like we both have never experianced before. I mean that, it felt like we had known each other forever. Yet in reality, less than a month! This has been a short time we have known each other and had the affair. (I hate that word) We just really hit it off. Phoned, text and met all the time. We both have incredible feelings for one another. We have both said we are falling for one another. There were tears etc. I know what I am doing is so so wrong. But I find it hard to be sensible in this situation as we are so amazing together. small talk, chemistry, attraction, all the stuff you always want and need from a relationship/partner. I dont want her marriage to suffer, I dont wish to be the cause of that. I know she cant wait to see me and that I am always on her mind. likewise I dont know why I am on here, perhaps wanting someone to tell me to stay away from her. Let her work at her marriage. She has a 3 year old son. who is brilliant, met him a few times. Children dont scare me off, its not like I just want her, i can assure you. I guess sometimes we meet the perfect person, the 'one' perhaps (or so it seems at present) but something sometimes gets in the way, ie marriage in this case. I think I should just back away, our hearts tell her and I one thing yet my mind is telling me leave her alone. Lifes such a bitch at times. it really is. She is exactly what I am looking for, without any question. perfection! Edited July 31, 2010 by onefootinthegrave
secretlady76 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 (edited) On the basis that you are on this website asking these questions tells me that you already know the answers but need clarification by tother people. It's all too easy to get sucked into the feelings an A creates and the problem is, because it never becomes more than an A then the feelings don't subside like they do in a normal relationship, so you think in your head that this relationship is so much more special because of these feelings you have, whereas really, if you were to take it further and for it to become a 'proper' relationship, these feelings probably wouldn't last and complacency would kick in and you'd be like many other couples in a LTR. Look, she's married with a child so it is unlikely that she will leave the marriage. I know you say kids don't scare you but in reality, another persons kid is a BIG ask. If you want to keep your sanity I suggest you stop this A and keep away from her before you end up falling in love. That is the only way to not get hurt, because trust me, you will. Wait a minute, is this the same girl you have been talking about in the 'dating' section of LS? The girl who has just gone on holiday with her friend? I am confused, you didn't mention anything about the marriage in that post.....??? Sounds to me like you may be in the 'affair fog' at the moment, please don't do anything silly until it lifts and you see exactly the situation you're in. Good luck Edited July 31, 2010 by secretlady76
Author onefootinthegrave Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 (edited) you maybe right secretlady76. but like i said we both have strong feelings for one another. I dont want to disrupt the apple cart for her home life. granted it may never work full time. Then again it may. i dont know, i think i should just back away. The problem I feel is that I dont fully know what she may do in her home life. I know she likes me a lot. which could lead her to make decisions in her home life because of us. She may and it is a distinct possibility, really mean everything she says and turn her apple cart upside down at home and want to be with me. I would never turn her or her child away. PS: no that other thread was a long long time ago, that was all over a long time ago. Edited July 31, 2010 by onefootinthegrave
secretlady76 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 She needs to work at her marriage, give it a shot before she should make a decision about leaving. She should not leave because of you, she should leave because her marriage has run its course. For her to try and make her marriage work, you need to be out of the picture. This means going 'No Contact'. There is a thread on this site about how this works. I can find it for you if you can't. If you decide to do this, she may want to keep you on the back burner by texting you etc, just to keep you in the picture. Don't let her. No contact means just that, so if she tries to contact you, ignore it totally. Basically, you fall off the radar and so does she. Out of eachothers lives. End of. Sounds harsh but it does work, trust me (works by helping you get over her as opposed to working to get her back IYKWIM) No contact thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/
NancyBotwin Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I don't get this "she should leave for herself, not you" stuff. People leave for other people all the time! Why don't you ask her what her intentions are? Do you have the means to support her and her child the way in which she's accustomed? Because if you don't, she's probably not going to leave. She'll probably keep you on the side, though. So if that's not what you want, you should probably end it. Not just step away, end it.
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Do a site search on stampdaddy. Then go to his profile, select all threads started by stampdaddy.. This woman isn't looking or going to leave her husband. She's having an affair.. A word you don't like, but that's what it is. To you, it's more though, I can tell.. My suggestion is, read up on here as much as you can, see what you're up against. The chances of this woman leaving her husband and breaking up her family is slim to none. If anything, her husband WILL find out and either fight for her, and she'll throw you under the bus (deny, lie and minimize what you two have shared) and run away from you YET, still contact you to feed her ego ... OR, her husband will kick her out and you'll have her by "default" .. For a little while until she realizes that she made a huge mistake and goes back home to try to work things out. I do have to say, it's inappropriate of you to have met her little boy. You being the OM (if her H finds out you've met him, spent time with him) he is going to be PISSED. Rightfully so. Own your part in this if/when it blows up, don't put this all on her. You know she's married, has a young child, even though I'm sure she's giving you all the signals that her H sucks, or she's unhappy, the marriage isn't going well, there's no sex, he's too busy doesn't pay attention to me, blah blah etc, etc. She is in the wrong, as are you, to pursue this. End it NOW while you still can. Sure it'll hurt, but imagine wasting 4 or 5 years on a married person who has no plans on leaving their spouse?
Author onefootinthegrave Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 I am cutting all contact now. Wont be easy. But have to start somewhere. Funny, it feels like im breaking up with a girlfriend. yet im not as we dont really have each other. I guess she has had two lives, one with me and then another when she returns home. Kind of best of both world. Anyway. was a silly, fun, dangerous, imature month. But I wont forget her! Live and learn!
cavedweller Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 onefootinthegrave, A smart move on your part... Go 100% No Contact and move on... Sometime down the road if she wants you to 'hit that thing' well, hit it and move on.. That is the way I would play it...
secretlady76 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I don't get this "she should leave for herself, not you" stuff. People leave for other people all the time! Why don't you ask her what her intentions are? Do you have the means to support her and her child the way in which she's accustomed? Because if you don't, she's probably not going to leave. She'll probably keep you on the side, though. So if that's not what you want, you should probably end it. Not just step away, end it. Yes, of course they leave people for other people all the time but it is not a good reason to leave a marriage, for someone else. About a million people who have done it will tell you that. Why? Because the knight in shining armour who saved you from the the boring husband becomes the boring husband a few years down the line when the armour isn't quite so shiny and then the wife will get itchy feet again and go and sniff out a new replacement, wash, rinse, repeat.... On the other hand there is an agreement on this thread that knocking the whole thing on the head is the best way forward, so at least we agree on something!
YellowShark Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Met a married women through a mutual friend. (her married less than 5 years) We clicked like we both have never experianced before. I mean that, it felt like we had known each other forever. Yet in reality, less than a month!This has been a short time we have known each other and had the affair. We just really hit it off. Phoned, text and met all the time.We both have incredible feelings for one another. We have both said we are falling for one another. Now imagine if you were her husband and read your words. How would you feel? That's your answer.
alexandria35 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Yes, of course they leave people for other people all the time but it is not a good reason to leave a marriage, for someone else. About a million people who have done it will tell you that. Why? Because the knight in shining armour who saved you from the the boring husband becomes the boring husband a few years down the line when the armour isn't quite so shiny and then the wife will get itchy feet again and go and sniff out a new replacement, wash, rinse, repeat.... Exactly! There is less chance of regret when one leaves a relationship for oneself and not Mr. nextbestthing.
GordonDarkfoot Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I will keep this simple. As it is blowing my mind apart at the moment. That means your brain is trying to warn you something is wrong and possibly dangerous for you. You need to listen to your feelings. Well, I am a single in my 30's guy OK presumably you are at least somewhat experienced in life and with romance issues. Met a married women through a mutual friend. (her married less than 5 years) There are tons of women for a single heterosexual guy in his early 30's to choose from, who are not married. We clicked like we both have never experianced before. I mean that, it felt like we had known each other forever. Yet in reality, less than a month! This means you jumped right into a physical/emotional relationship with someone you can't possibly know very well based on: 1. Raw physical attraction. 2. Her willingness to cheat on her h 3. Your loneliness. No matter how attractive a woman may be, by the time you're in your early 30's, you need to be able to exercise a minimal amount of self-control and judgment. This is not a game, this is your life. This has been a short time we have known each other and had the affair. (I hate that word) That's right, so short of a time that you have absolutely no real clue about who it is that you've been putting your meat into. She could have totally sold you a bill of goods and you have absolutely no way of knowing because you barely know her. We just really hit it off. Dude, sorry to tell you, but when I go to the shopping mall on any given Saturday I must see about two dozen or three dozen highly attractive women that I could easily "hit it off" with, if: 1. They were available and 2. I was available. In this case, you were single and hence available. She's married with a small child yet, so she's simply not available to you, or shouldn't be. The fact that she would so readily jump in the sack with you is a huge red flag. It would be bad enough say if you were a long time friend, an affair is still very destructive. But dude--in the same way you don't know her at all, she doesn't know you at all--but she spread her legs for you? Almost guaranteed, that indicates she is probably extremely promiscuous and a head case, and this is going to be a train wreck very shortly. Phoned, text and met all the time. I've been assuming you've already had sex, if I'm wrong, then I apologize, what does "met all the time" mean? If you haven't had sex then she's just messing with your head. We both have incredible feelings for one another. We have both said we are falling for one another. There were tears etc. Dude, just because she's got borderline personality disorder doesn't mean you have to emulate it. How the heck could you have true feelings for each other? You don't even know each other. Again this isn't a situation where the two of you have been friends for years. You're complete strangers to each other. I know what I am doing is so so wrong. But I find it hard to be sensible in this situation as we are so amazing together. small talk, chemistry, attraction, all the stuff you always want and need from a relationship/partner. You don't care about the "wrong" part because you're doing it anyway. What you should care about is whether it is possible for you to form a healthy fulfilling relationship under the circumstances you describe. IME it is not. Don't think in terms of "right" and "wrong" because that obviously is not making a difference to you. Think in terms of "healthy behavior" vs. "unhealthy behavior." Do you want to be healthy, with a healthy person, in a healthy relationship? For sure, this isn't it. I dont want her marriage to suffer Too late. , I dont wish to be the cause of that. Too late. I know she cant wait to see me and that I am always on her mind. Actually you don't know jack about what's on her mind or what she thinks about you. She could have five other "boyfriends" that she's cheating on her h with and on you with and on each other with. All you know about her is that she'll cheat at the drop of a hat. I dont know why I am on here, perhaps wanting someone to tell me to stay away from her. I won't because you know that you should so me telling you won't do any good. What I will tell you is something different: Stop elevating this into some great love affair, which it is not. Your "girlfriend" is an extremely dysfunctional cheater and unfortunately you're relating to her on her level (child/fantasy/borderline personality disordered) rather than on what should be your level (adult/reality/emotionally well adjusted, mature). So go ahead, bang her if that's what you want to do, but do not look at this woman as anything more than a booty call. (Actually it sounds like you are the booty call not her.) Let her work at her marriage. LOL. For all you know you're like the twentieth guy she's cheated on her h with. She has a 3 year old son. who is brilliant, met him a few times. Children dont scare me off, its not like I just want her, i can assure you. Whoa. Wait a second. She actually introduced her toddler to her affair partner??? Sorry to tell you OP but this woman is seriously dysfunctional, you need to get far away from her. She has potential "bunny boiler" written all over her. I guess sometimes we meet the perfect person, the 'one' perhaps (or so it seems at present) but something sometimes gets in the way, ie marriage in this case. Man you need to really read what you just wrote. The "perfect" person with a three year old child doesn't have an affair on their spouse with someone they barely know. Not even close to "perfect." When you get together with her and you both break out into tears, that's your real sign that something is very wrong. That's not mature love that's being expressed--it's bpd. I think I should just back away, our hearts tell her and I one thing yet my mind is telling me leave her alone. Back away? You should run away screaming as fast as you can and never look back. Lifes such a bitch at times. it really is. She is exactly what I am looking for, without any question. perfection! If you are serious that such a woman in your eyes is "perfect" and exactly what you are looking for then you are in serious need of intensive therapy. I really mean that. Good luck.
fooled once Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I will keep this simple. As it is blowing my mind apart at the moment. Well, I am a single in my 30's guy Met a married women through a mutual friend. (her married less than 5 years) We clicked like we both have never experianced before. I mean that, it felt like we had known each other forever. Yet in reality, less than a month! This has been a short time we have known each other and had the affair. (I hate that word) We just really hit it off. Phoned, text and met all the time. We both have incredible feelings for one another. We have both said we are falling for one another. There were tears etc. I know what I am doing is so so wrong. But I find it hard to be sensible in this situation as we are so amazing together. small talk, chemistry, attraction, all the stuff you always want and need from a relationship/partner. I dont want her marriage to suffer, I dont wish to be the cause of that. I know she cant wait to see me and that I am always on her mind. likewise I dont know why I am on here, perhaps wanting someone to tell me to stay away from her. Let her work at her marriage. She has a 3 year old son. who is brilliant, met him a few times. Children dont scare me off, its not like I just want her, i can assure you. I guess sometimes we meet the perfect person, the 'one' perhaps (or so it seems at present) but something sometimes gets in the way, ie marriage in this case. I think I should just back away, our hearts tell her and I one thing yet my mind is telling me leave her alone. Lifes such a bitch at times. it really is. She is exactly what I am looking for, without any question. perfection! Please let her and her family alone. I cannot believe she has had you around her 3 year old child :confused: Obviously, that shows me where her priorities are -- more concerned about her boy toy than her child and any confusion or questions he may ask. And he may choose to ask Daddy who mommy's friend is. How do you think that will go over? Go find a single girl. Stay off the phone and stop seeing this woman. Let her either end her marriage or work on her marriage. Where do you think this is going to go? That she is going to walk out the front door and into your home and you will become daddy to her child? Guess again. Especially once daddy finds out what you have been doing with his wife.
fooled once Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 You have only been involved with her a MONTH? And you have met her child? You are not in love, you are in lust. Geez....come on man, you have to know better than all this....
LuckyCharm Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 She is exactly what I am looking for, without any question. perfection! really? a liar, a cheater, a MW, a mom?
Author onefootinthegrave Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 (edited) Thank you everyone. I actually enjoyed the kick in the balls most of you gave me. It is WHAT I NEEDED!!!!!!!! For us to be SAT in my house with this lady, cuddled up on the sofa with her SON also on the sofa next to us. Is SO SO bloody wrong. I need to cease all contact. Wont be easy as she is BEST FRIENDS with one of my close family members. Sort of how me met. This family member of course does not know about us. In fact as far as I know, no one does. I certainly have told no one. I know, I know its wrong. Everything is. Yeah maybe if we were both single, the story would unfold a lot different. But she is not. I need to step away and let her do her own thing. She does have a good life. I believe she has everything she wants and a innocent husband who knows nothing about this and does not deserve what his wife and I have done. (or so I am led to believe) If the tables were turned and it was me as the husband. I would be devastated. They have a nice home, etc. I have even been in there home when he is not there. Not for sex, just to meet up and chat. But this must stop. There has been of course sex. Very very early on and so easy. But there has to be NO contact now. I have to end it, stop it. cease it. I dont know if what she has done with me will ever come out or ever damage the marriage. I hope not, for her and her sons sake. I hope it can vanish away as quickly as it started. Only time will tell. She may just find someone else for a affair. I dont know. She says I am the only one she has ever been with outside of the marriage. But I only know that from what she said. But thank you everyone on here for 'helping', you did ! PS: gordondarkfoot. Brilliant post. I thank you ! Edited July 31, 2010 by onefootinthegrave
cavedweller Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 onefoot, You need to go 100% No Contact, get out and start dating someone... Be advised: She will contact you sometime in the future.. You will have to decide how you will play that when it happens..(I myself would hit it once in awhile, if, I was given the chance)
Author onefootinthegrave Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 I know. I will try the no contact thing. But I have had from 30 - 60 texts a day from her. That is not including phone calls etc. Wont be easy but we all have to start somewhere. Yes I do need to find a normal single women. Trust me. I am and have been trying....
cavedweller Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 onefoot, Phone calls plus 30 to 50 texts a day? Change two here: Wow, she has the 'hots' for you...(she needs you to throw the meat to her) You may want to tell her to go easy and you two can 'hook up' one or two days a month...
Author onefootinthegrave Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 So lots of texts last night and I didnt reply and has started the same again today. I have replied once. Saying words to the effect of: Please let this now stop. I dont want this to get out of control or damage your life that you have.
secretlady76 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 'Please let this stop now' is giving her control. What you need to text is: 'Sorry but this is over. Please do not contact me again. If you do I will not reply'....ok, so maybe not quite as direct as that but keep it sterile. Change your number/email etc. Delete her details from your phone/C. Make sure you have no way of contacting her and vice versa.
Jilly Bean Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 She is exactly what I am looking for, without any question. perfection! You're looking for someone who lies, cheats and betrays? Maybe it's time to aim a wee higher on the standards scale...
Corporate Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Lifes such a bitch at times. it really is. She is exactly what I am looking for, without any question. perfection! Have you met her husband? What do you think of him? Are you okay with the fact that everytime you kiss her, where her mouth had been few hours ago?
GordonDarkfoot Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 onefoot, Phone calls plus 30 to 50 texts a day? If I was OP, I would hide the bunnies immediately.
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