blizzard Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I have read several posts and I think it's interesting how some profess to know whether the MM or MW will "be back" after leaving affair. How do you know? Let me in on the sign...
NoIDidn't Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 No sign, just a recognized pattern. Read enough threads, you'll see it. True enough, though. Some NEVER return. But most do return even if just to be nosy about life since the A was over. OW/OM often return as well. Just checking to see if the M survived the A. Checking to see if the MP misses them. Just like the MP, being nosy and looking for an opening.
White Flower Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 No sign, just a recognized pattern. Read enough threads, you'll see it. True enough, though. Some NEVER return. But most do return even if just to be nosy about life since the A was over. OW/OM often return as well. Just checking to see if the M survived the A. Checking to see if the MP misses them. Just like the MP, being nosy and looking for an opening. I hate to admit this because I don't really see the pattern in myself but I did see it with exOW in MM's email account. At least three exOW would send notes periodically just to open up contact whether by guilt trip, desperation, or bribe. An example of bribery would be, 'I have purchased a meaningful trinket for you, come and get it' which really means I want to start ****ing you again but the excuse for initial contact is the gift. I don't think he ever had to initiate contact in the past, they always came a knockin'. I tend to walk and hold out. Then he comes a knockin'.
awkward Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Many people that come here initially think their affair is unique and that their MM is different. Unfortunately, they aren't always are. If you read here long enough you will see that many follow predictable patterns. In the end, nobody can tell 100% for sure if a MM will be back but IMO it seems like many of the WS's bought the same playbook.
jennie-jennie Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Usually extramarital relationships do not end because the people involved have stopped loving each other, but because of the negative impact the affair in itself has. So since the two parties involved still love each other, it is very difficult to end the relationship. The love they hold for each other keep pulling them back into the relationship.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I guess it depends on what happens in the marriage after Dday (or the ending of the affair without one): Unfortunately a good number of people are stuck in pattern based behaviors (either as a couple or internally) and even significant changes can dwindle back down to the way they were (which led to the person seeking out an affair in the first place). Once things go back to the same old, same old - either in the marriage, or internally with the person who cheats, then they are full circle to where they were and stick to the pattern and seek out the affair again. Pattern behavior is hard to break - that is why you see the same story repeated by different people: * MP is unhappy/unsatisfied/bored and has an affair * MP/OP are happy for a time - the escape the MP is making causes them to do and say things which make it the 'most intense emotional experience ever' for the OP * Something happens: either a Dday, or the MP feels too pressured to 'leave the marriage', or the MP just gets tired of having an affair and the affair ends * MP tries to find what is missing in his/her marriage and eventually fails * MP is again unhappy/unsatisfied/bored and returns to the affair (it is much easier to return to one than to start from scratch with a new affair I guess) Wash, rinse, repeat In most of the cases, the MP just stays on that circular track. Sometimes things will happen which will cause new tracks to be laid down and MP will take real and new directions in life but not too often.
White Flower Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I guess it depends on what happens in the marriage after Dday (or the ending of the affair without one): Unfortunately a good number of people are stuck in pattern based behaviors (either as a couple or internally) and even significant changes can dwindle back down to the way they were (which led to the person seeking out an affair in the first place). Once things go back to the same old, same old - either in the marriage, or internally with the person who cheats, then they are full circle to where they were and stick to the pattern and seek out the affair again. Pattern behavior is hard to break - that is why you see the same story repeated by different people: * MP is unhappy/unsatisfied/bored and has an affair * MP/OP are happy for a time - the escape the MP is making causes them to do and say things which make it the 'most intense emotional experience ever' for the OP * Something happens: either a Dday, or the MP feels too pressured to 'leave the marriage', or the MP just gets tired of having an affair and the affair ends * MP tries to find what is missing in his/her marriage and eventually fails * MP is again unhappy/unsatisfied/bored and returns to the affair (it is much easier to return to one than to start from scratch with a new affair I guess) Wash, rinse, repeat In most of the cases, the MP just stays on that circular track. Sometimes things will happen which will cause new tracks to be laid down and MP will take real and new directions in life but not too often. Great post. And the last statement could be said about anyone under any circumstance BTW. Just replace MP with <person facing inner struggle>. The 'not too often' lies within the fact that that M creates a comfort zone.
fooled once Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I guess it depends on what happens in the marriage after Dday (or the ending of the affair without one): Unfortunately a good number of people are stuck in pattern based behaviors (either as a couple or internally) and even significant changes can dwindle back down to the way they were (which led to the person seeking out an affair in the first place). Once things go back to the same old, same old - either in the marriage, or internally with the person who cheats, then they are full circle to where they were and stick to the pattern and seek out the affair again. Pattern behavior is hard to break - that is why you see the same story repeated by different people: * MP is unhappy/unsatisfied/bored and has an affair * MP/OP are happy for a time - the escape the MP is making causes them to do and say things which make it the 'most intense emotional experience ever' for the OP * Something happens: either a Dday, or the MP feels too pressured to 'leave the marriage', or the MP just gets tired of having an affair and the affair ends * MP tries to find what is missing in his/her marriage and eventually fails * MP is again unhappy/unsatisfied/bored and returns to the affair (it is much easier to return to one than to start from scratch with a new affair I guess) Wash, rinse, repeat In most of the cases, the MP just stays on that circular track. Sometimes things will happen which will cause new tracks to be laid down and MP will take real and new directions in life but not too often. Excellent post!
wheelwright Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Great post. And the last statement could be said about anyone under any circumstance BTW. Just replace MP with <person facing inner struggle>. The 'not too often' lies within the fact that that M creates a comfort zone. Oh wow. You've done it for me here WF. So abso bloomin' lutley.
Author blizzard Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 okay...I can see it now. wow. I never thought that deep into it but it makes complete sense. It is a cycle of sorts. Why doesn't the one ending the affair think " I basically dumped her/him...why would she/he want to have anything to do with me now...I would be an idiot to try to contact her now...I even lied" I guess that would take having a conscience... and yes, alot of work to start over with someone new.
White Flower Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 okay...I can see it now. wow. I never thought that deep into it but it makes complete sense. It is a cycle of sorts. Why doesn't the one ending the affair think " I basically dumped her/him...why would she/he want to have anything to do with me now...I would be an idiot to try to contact her now...I even lied" I guess that would take having a conscience... and yes, alot of work to start over with someone new. I suppose it's all about weighing the chances of reuniting, and the rewards that come with it, with the sadness of loss and seeing if it's worth it. Oftentimes it is worth it.
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