Sick of the Dating and Game Playing Circus

[jamesum]

Men fear rejection too, so I'd imagine it would helps things along a bit if I'm not afraid to give the green light.

I dont understand why women keep saying this? I mean it shouldnt be such a discovery to point out that men also have emotion.

 

Its kind of like when men say, "Women need sex, too."

[zengirl]

I dont understand why women keep saying this? I mean it shouldnt be such a discovery to point out that men also have emotion.

 

Its kind of like when men say, "Women need sex, too."

 

Both are said on this board. I tend to think it happens because there are quite a few people with archaic gender ideas here and others are reacting to them.

 

You're right of course.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Both are said on this board. I tend to think it happens because there are quite a few people with archaic gender ideas here and others are reacting to them.

You're right of course.

 

You have a huge beef with "archaic" gender ideas. I think you just don't like others trying to tell you how to act.

 

The real issues in this section tend to come from people who have been consistently rejected/hurt by the other gender and have become very entrenched in bitterness.

[mortensorchid]

I know how you feel SK. I'm sick of these lying, cheating, cowardly, dirty little scene boys, and that's why I'm off the market. Who you have just described are not men, they are boys. Boys who are immature and cowardly. They aren't looking for lovers, they are looking for mothers. And you are not their mother.

 

Pull yourself up out of the gutter and work on yourself. You don't need a man to feel complete, it seems that we have no choice anymore but to be tough perpetually single independent women. Be one. Be strong, whoever wants to be your friend or your lover should be honored to be with you. And believe that.

[jamesum]

I know how you feel SK. I'm sick of these lying, cheating, cowardly, dirty little scene boys, and that's why I'm off the market. Who you have just described are not men, they are boys. Boys who are immature and cowardly. They aren't looking for lovers, they are looking for mothers. And you are not their mother.

 

Pull yourself up out of the gutter and work on yourself. You don't need a man to feel complete, it seems that we have no choice anymore but to be tough perpetually single independent women. Be one. Be strong, whoever wants to be your friend or your lover should be honored to be with you. And believe that.

You know, in my opinion being single is actually healthier.

 

The problem that people arent happy being single is because other people are having partners and they feel like they are missing out on something. Its environmental pressure.

[Sphere]

I know how you feel SK. I'm sick of these lying, cheating, cowardly, dirty little scene boys, and that's why I'm off the market. Who you have just described are not men, they are boys. Boys who are immature and cowardly. They aren't looking for lovers, they are looking for mothers. And you are not their mother.

 

Pull yourself up out of the gutter and work on yourself. You don't need a man to feel complete, it seems that we have no choice anymore but to be tough perpetually single independent women. Be one. Be strong, whoever wants to be your friend or your lover should be honored to be with you. And believe that.

 

I agree with your sentiments, though you are as bitter as hell.

[zengirl]

You know, in my opinion being single is actually healthier.

 

The problem that people arent happy being single is because other people are having partners and they feel like they are missing out on something. Its environmental pressure.

 

Being single is healthier than being with someone who's not right for you (and also makes it less likely you'll miss someone who's not right for you), but I don't think anything about being in a relationship is unhealthy. It's just the reasons some people are in them that is.

[SassyKitten]

It certainly is a lot of environmental pressure. No matter what circles you run around in, everyone either has a partner or is sleeping around. And if you're not one of those, you're invisible. Just like this morning when I went into the kitchen to get breakfast, roommate's boyfriend is here, and I had to say "good morning" about 10 times before she acknowledged me. When he's not here, I'm not invisible.

 

Plus it has been a lot easier to make friends, especially female ones whether they be single or not, when I'm not single.

 

People say you don't need a boyfriend, but society does a ****ty job of reinforcing this.

[Sphere]

Being single is healthier than being with someone who's not right for you (and also makes it less likely you'll miss someone who's not right for you), but I don't think anything about being in a relationship is unhealthy. It's just the reasons some people are in them that is.

 

I agree with you there.

 

It's better to be single than being in an unhealthy relationship, a woman friend of mine who has spent four years in a relationship where she is constantly emotionally, verbally and physically abused. Fortunately, she saw sense and left him in the end, now she is with a fantastic man who takes good care of her.

[Sphere]

 

People say you don't need a boyfriend, but society does a ****ty job of reinforcing this.

 

 

Why don't your define yourself instead of letting society define what you should be?

[SassyKitten]

Why don't your define yourself instead of letting society define what you should be?

 

It's more that I'm not letting them define, but they keep REMINDING me. It would be nice if they would stop REMINDING me, as I have a libido and emotional needs too!

[Sphere]

It's more that I'm not letting them define, but they keep REMINDING me. It would be nice if they would stop REMINDING me, as I have a libido and emotional needs too!

 

Don't pay attention to that stuff.

 

It's not hard Sassy. Get hobbies, get interests, get away from media outlets like the television, the radio, newspapers and the internet.

 

I have needs as well, but you don't see me whinging like a cry baby about it. You say you are taking a break from the dating game, yet you are obsessed with it, it defines you. It seems that your aim and ambition in life is to find a great catch, marry him and have children? Whatever happened to the staunch feminist that was going to take men on with a brief case in one hand and an umbrella in the other?

 

All talk and no action eh?

[SassyKitten]

Don't pay attention to that stuff.

 

It's not hard Sassy. Get hobbies, get interests, get away from media outlets like the television, the radio, newspapers and the internet.

 

I have needs as well, but you don't see me whinging like a cry baby about it. You say you are taking a break from the dating game, yet you are obsessed with it, it defines you. It seems that your aim and ambition in life is to find a great catch, marry him and have children? Whatever happened to the staunch feminist that was going to take men on with a brief case in one hand and an umbrella in the other?

 

All talk and no action eh?

 

Actually all of those are on par with each other as my most important ambitions in life, that and doing lots of travelling!

 

And trying to think of some good ways to distract myself where not at least 80% of the people I do said activities with have partners, and talk about them non-stop.

[Thierro]

I stopped caring for the whole dating game. I am not going to look for someone. If someone compatible appears I am not going to put myself in a game mode. Why should I? If I want to play games I’ll arrange board game nights or buy myself a game console.

 

Interaction between two healthy minded people don’t need such an attitude. I want to bond with a woman on certain levels. Sex is important to me. It needs time for two persons to get to know each other and share memories and moments. When enough trust and companionship is build between the two of us I will consider sex; otherwise it won’t mean a thing.

 

Just let everything go and live the moment you are in right now. The only thing that matters is a quiet collected and strong mind. The past is the past. It doesn’t define who you are. The only thing we can do is live our own happiness and let the rest go.

[Sphere]

 

And trying to think of some good ways to distract myself where not at least 80% of the people I do said activities with have partners, and talk about them non-stop.

 

Then back away from those boring people who let their man/woman define every aspect of their lives and their worlds. You like the great outdoors right? Well join clubs or organistations geared to your interests where you can make friends who enjoy the samething as you do. It's not hard Sassy, it really isn't.

 

It just takes time and effort.

[SassyKitten]

Getting out of Georgia will definitely be half the battle, as I'm not surrounded by like-minded people at all. Bring on January!

 

But then I still feel like people are looking at me like I'm diseased for not having a partner. And I would like for people to give me time to be a snob about who I choose to give myself to. And how do I know in those clubs I'm not going to be one of the only single people?

[Sphere]

Getting out of Georgia will definitely be half the battle, as I'm not surrounded by like-minded people at all. Bring on January!

 

But then I still feel like people are looking at me like I'm diseased for not having a partner. And I would like for people to give me time to be a snob about who I choose to give myself to. And how do I know in those clubs I'm not going to be one of the only single people?

 

*Bangs head against wall*

 

No one thinks anything of you being single, it's you who has the problem with it. Stop projecting your insecurities by saying they are caused by others.

 

You don't know if you are going to be the only single one there, who knows you might even meet your future husband at one of these clubs. Who is to say and anyway, they'll probably spend most of their time talking about the club and it's activities.

 

You're really hardwork Sassy, seriously.

[SassyKitten]

*Bangs head against wall*

 

No one thinks anything of you being single, it's you who has the problem with it. Stop projecting your insecurities by saying they are caused by others.

 

You don't know if you are going to be the only single one there, who knows you might even meet your future husband at one of these clubs. Who is to say and anyway, they'll probably spend most of their time talking about the club and it's activities.

 

You're really hardwork Sassy, seriously.

 

Well then why am I invisible to people when I am single, and all of a sudden popular when I have a partner? Actions speak louder than words.

 

I have noticed too that women for the most part are a lot worse than men when it comes to talking about their partners non-stop.

 

And when it comes down to it, another critical factor is I feel safer when I have a partner. Then women aren't looking at me assuming I'm a man-eating bitch, and men aren't all trying to rape me.

[Thierro]

STOP..

 

Really, nothing else is going to help you. Your own mind is playing games with you. It is taking you down and you need to stand up and be rational about it. Without validation from others you have a restless mind. It seems you feed on validation from others.

 

STOP being your past, STOP needing approval, STOP tearing yourself apart and STOP worrying.

 

Take back control over your life.

[SassyKitten]

Big problem though, it's either validation from others or scorn and violence from others. In my experience, there is no in-between.

[Sphere]

Men pursuing are potential rapists? WTF, Sassy you are mentally ill and you need urgent attention.

[SassyKitten]

Men pursuing are potential rapists? WTF, Sassy you are mentally ill and you need urgent attention.

 

I seem to be a magnet for men trying to grope me, and yes, I have been raped literally, multiple times in my life. That DOES NOT make me mentally ill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

See, other women can get a loving partner easily, where all I attract is pigs, and violent ones at that.

[SassyKitten]

And by the way, history like this not only makes me even more of a feminist, especially as when I tried to prosecute one of them the cop laughed in my face and told me I was asking for it, even though I was just a kid at the time.

 

But sure, hold it against me, as 90%+ of the men out there do, as well as all 3 men who I've ever been involved with who I told.

 

The point is, considering all of this, I really need a way to forget that I ever had romantic or sexual needs. Seeing as apparantly it's unattainable for me.

[Thierro]

Sure you have been through a lot. But only you are able to do something about it. Life has been hard on you, but living your life influenced by past memories and happenings isn’t going to help. Everyone is able to have a healthy relationship with someone. You can’t give up because of pricks that disrespected you. You let them win by echoing your fears and negativity through your daily mind. You want to be in control and be happy. There is an opportunity for that.

 

There are a ton of good reliable men in this world that treat you right and with respect.

 

I would recommend finding some peace and love within yourself. Let go of the search for a man and the validation of others. Let go of the past; it is not you. The next time I will meet a girl, I will not have sex before we bonded. This will take more than a year. It’s a good way to protect yourself from hurt.

 

These are some good books to help you on the way:

 

Eckhart Tolle- Practicing the power of now

Dalai Lama- The art of happiness

Dalai Lama- How to see yourself as you really are

Dalai Lama- The way of a meaningful life

Thich Nhat Hanh- The Art of Power

Sakyong Mipham- Ruling Your World, by

Freeman and DeWolf- Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

 

Also try googling Mindfulness (thank you Denise)

 

‘You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,

And get pats on the back as you pass,

But your final reward will be heartaches and tears

If you've cheated the man in the glass’

[SassyKitten]

Thierro - Thanks for the book recommendations. I have read one of the Dalai Lama's books, ages ago, and have been intrigued about reading more.

 

Still one thought that nags on my mind though. Some people never find a partner. My sister is one of them, she's in her 40s and has never had a boyfriend. Though she's not exactly a positive person and she's 100 lbs. overweight, but still, some people never find anyone. It really feels like one of those situations where the phrase "Prepare for the worst, hope for the best" applies. And one of the most common canned phrases I have heard anytime I've just proken up with someone, or even when I'm angry because it's Valentine's Day again, or when I was a kid and couldn't get any boys to dance with me, is "You'll find someone". I'm so sick of hearing that when it's not happening, and I really need a way to stop caring about that more than anything.

 

Besides, I want to badly to have a daughter who I can give the childhood I should've had. At this rate, it seems like the only way I'll accomplish that one is to have a one night stand without a condom.

 

Speaking of which, withholding sex untill I feel like we've bonded is a good idea. Are there many men who would be fine with that though?

Edited August 6, 2010 by SassyKitten