Sick of the Dating and Game Playing Circus

[MrNate]

Yeah, but if it's unattainable, at least for the time I'm working on myself anyway, I would be doing a better service for myself if I could turn that desire off. Besides, I've heard so often that once you stop wanting it it always finds you.

 

There you go. If it helps, I'm reading a few books myself (I'm all about self improvement). They are:

 

A boy should know how to tie a tie. -Antwone Fisher(deals with grooming habits, clenliness, being organized, basically the things that make a clean cut male)

 

What to say when you talk to yourself.-Shad Helmstetter

 

Everything body language book- Shelly Hagen

 

Just a little mix between improving things internally/externally, as well as a body language book to help me work on my posture. I usually pick up very defensive body language naturally, so I'm learning proper postures that aren't off putting. The information is quite great in my opinion.

 

I see you read books as well.. great! Just keep working on yourself and I'm sure things will turn around greatly. Remember, accounting is sexy, and so are accountants.

[TheWatcher]

I'm going to Montreal by myself, but staying in a hostel so I should meet people easily.

 

Montreal...my hometown.Will it be your first visit ? You will meet lots of interesting people & since you're female you'll be able to strike up conversations with others (without them getting

suspicious or giving you the cold shoulder).

 

http://www.tourisme-montreal.org/

 

Sorry to hear about your bad luck with men...hope things get better for you.

[SassyKitten]

Nate - Thanks for the books, I looked up What to Say When You Talk to Yourself on Amazon and it looks interesting. The latest one on it's way to me is Path to Love by Deepak Chopra.

 

As far as my body language goes, I'm sure I probably come off as more flirtatious than I intend to, but I guess there's really no way of knowing for sure as as far as my knowledge goes no one from here has met my in person. Plus I have a lot of back issues which stiffen me up a lot, but people don't really know that unless I explain that to them.

 

Watcher - First visit ever for me! I've been meaning to go there for ages, so now's definitely a good opportunity. Thanks for the link.

[zengirl]

It's a bit cheesy, but since I'll read just about any free English book I come across in Korea, I read "The Power of Now" the other day. It didn't really tell me anything I don't already do, but I think that's a pretty good self-help book. Not strictly related to dating, but it explains most human suffering. Of course, like all of these books, it's a bit over-written in that New Age style.

 

Sticking to daytime sounds good. And I would love to have time to volunteer, but as I'm a student right now I only really have time to do work that I'm paid for.

 

Aw, a Saturday with Habitat for Humanity never killed anybody's schedule. If you have time to go to a bar or anywhere else to meet people and chill, you have time to clean up a park or something (Not saying you have to volunteer, but volunteering doesn't have to be a set, weekly schedule).

 

Actually, some of my best dates have been stuff like that. When I met the fellow I last dated in Korea, I invited him to come to the animal shelter I volunteer at on my 2nd date. I've also gone on dates to Habitat Saturdays, environmental clean-ups, and a gay-rights/pride parade (the last one is a bit odd maybe. . . it just happened to come up one time that we were both already going to support friend).

 

And socializing does get harder the older I get because of the element of jealousy. I am only human after all, but it does feel like most women can get an adoring partner as easily as I can get a loaf of bread.

 

I used to feel the same way. . . the only thing I can say is that I started consciously trying to feel happy and joyous about other people's happiness, rather than jealous about it, and it changed my life. Your mind is just a muscle, and a rather malleable one. You can train it any way you like. Since you've trained it a certain way, re-training is going to be a hard process, but you can do it if you like.

 

Is it possible you pick men who come on too strong at the beginning? I have to wonder based on what you say above. Those that are too into you on a first date can be bad news.

 

I think this is an excellent point.

[SassyKitten]

I'll definitely keep all of that in mind, I can think of some organizations I wouldn't mind doing some volunteering for once I've moved back to civilization. As of right now, I don't even go to bars! But then again the closest ones to me are 2 hours away in Atlanta, which is another reason to move out of here.

 

I guess for me, I do have a lot of moments where witnessing other people and their happiness is like watching someone eat filet mignon and lobster while I'm starving to death and I'm not even allowed to eat breadcrumbs! I know that's the biggest thing I'm going to have to battle, especially as the media seems to thrive on harping on about love. I mean, I can't even log onto Netflix without having to click through images of couples and families happy together!

[zengirl]

I'll definitely keep all of that in mind, I can think of some organizations I wouldn't mind doing some volunteering for once I've moved back to civilization. As of right now, I don't even go to bars! But then again the closest ones to me are 2 hours away in Atlanta, which is another reason to move out of here.

 

I guess for me, I do have a lot of moments where witnessing other people and their happiness is like watching someone eat filet mignon and lobster while I'm starving to death and I'm not even allowed to eat breadcrumbs! I know that's the biggest thing I'm going to have to battle, especially as the media seems to thrive on harping on about love. I mean, I can't even log onto Netflix without having to click through images of couples and families happy together!

 

Yeah, intellectually I understand that because I remember the feeling.

But, really, you can emotionally re-wire yourself. I did.

 

Whenever I was single (and it was never long enough honestly---my problem is different from yours, but this part was similar; this time, I'm going to be single longer, I think, on purpose), I was always so obsessed with other people's happiness. It made me feel lonelier. Romantic movies. . . TV shows. . . people I saw holding hands and walking their cute dogs in the park? I just wanted that coupledom again. I felt like I was missing an appendage or something. It invites co-dependence at best and, of course, you know, much worse.

 

Now, I look at happy relationships, and I think: Yay, more proof that does exist. (Really. I do. It took awhile though.)

 

And I look at unhappy relationships and think: Thank goodness that isn't me.

 

It's win-win.

[SassyKitten]

Even with unhappy relationships though, I keep thinking well at least they aren't going to bed alone. Dangerous, I know, and it has made me end up in several emotionally abusive relationships

 

I just can't believe I'm almost 30 and I still can't get this part of my life to be functional. It sucks. And if I have to go through another Valentines Day single, oh God help anyone in my path!! And what sucks the most is all of this probably originates with the headcases otherwise known as my parents. Thanks Mom and Dad.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Even with unhappy relationships though, I keep thinking well at least they aren't going to bed alone. Dangerous, I know, and it has made me end up in several emotionally abusive relationships

I just can't believe I'm almost 30 and I still can't get this part of my life to be functional. It sucks. And if I have to go through another Valentines Day single, oh God help anyone in my path!! And what sucks the most is all of this probably originates with the headcases otherwise known as my parents. Thanks Mom and Dad.

 

Your going to be just fine.

 

Are you trying to define yourself through a relationship?

[SassyKitten]

Your going to be just fine.

 

Are you trying to define yourself through a relationship?

 

No, but I do have basic human needs like everyone else like love and affection. I was supposed to fly to Hawaii in 3 days to see LDR, but he dumps me for his ex who cheated on him as soon as I tell him the entire truth about my parents. And the other 2 times I have told a boyfriend the truth about my parents, I have also been dumped soon after.

 

And it kills me that I am about to pass my 30th birthday never having experienced something most people can take for granted because of my ****ing parents!!!!!!! THAT is what I think about EVERY time I see happy couples around me, on TV, whatever.

 

Swear to God, next time someone goes "Oh, M** you're such a pretty girl, why are you single?" or "You'll find him one day".

Edited August 1, 2010 by SassyKitten

[brainygirl]

No, but I do have basic human needs like everyone else like love and affection. I was supposed to fly to Hawaii in 3 days to see LDR, but he dumps me for his ex who cheated on him as soon as I tell him the entire truth about my parents. And the other 2 times I have told a boyfriend the truth about my parents, I have also been dumped soon after.

 

And it kills me that I am about to pass my 30th birthday never having experienced something most people can take for granted because of my ****ing parents!!!!!!! THAT is what I think about EVERY time I see happy couples around me, on TV, whatever.

 

Swear to God, next time someone goes "Oh, M** you're such a pretty girl, why are you single?" or "You'll find him one day".

 

My mom was crazy, literally crazy in the nuthatch crazy, she also had sever health problems that had her in and out of the hospital. She was on many medications for mental health and her physical health issues.

 

My dad was an alcoholic and drug user. He was out of the picture by the time she got sick so I, at 13 years old, was her durable power of atterny for medical stuff.

 

When I was little, they were together and healthier, and grew pot in our basement.

 

My point is, you aren't the only person out there who had a completely messed up childhood. I know I have issues with relating to people who come from ho-hum backgrounds and I think that's why I get drawn into relationships with looser guys.

 

But I also know that I've worked my butt of for everything I am and have and I'm sure you have too. Be proud of that and follow what you love and I THINK you'll be ok.

[Untouchable_Fire]

No, but I do have basic human needs like everyone else like love and affection. I was supposed to fly to Hawaii in 3 days to see LDR, but he dumps me for his ex who cheated on him as soon as I tell him the entire truth about my parents. And the other 2 times I have told a boyfriend the truth about my parents, I have also been dumped soon after.

And it kills me that I am about to pass my 30th birthday never having experienced something most people can take for granted because of my ****ing parents!!!!!!! THAT is what I think about EVERY time I see happy couples around me, on TV, whatever.

Swear to God, next time someone goes "Oh, M** you're such a pretty girl, why are you single?" or "You'll find him one day".

 

Sassy... every experience you've talked about with men screams to me that you don't want a man that will love you.

 

You exclusively chase guys that can't/won't love you. It's probably what makes them attractive to you.

 

I think you need some time being single to sort yourself out emotionally and to get on a healthy page with men. This trip should be good provided you don't do anything dumb that makes you feel bad.

 

You may not believe this but a lot of guys can sense how desperate/needy you are for certain things. Guys that are users and abusers tend to gravitate towards you, while men that are healthy and emotionally stable will be repulsed.

 

On the topic of your parents... It wasn't you telling him that made him choose his ex. He made that choice long before.... and you know that. It isn't even the facts involving your situation with your parents. It was the simple fact that you opened up to him... and he had already made his choice. At that point he HAD to tell you.

[Sphere]

Even with unhappy relationships though, I keep thinking well at least they aren't going to bed alone. Dangerous, I know, and it has made me end up in several emotionally abusive relationships

 

I just can't believe I'm almost 30 and I still can't get this part of my life to be functional. It sucks. And if I have to go through another Valentines Day single, oh God help anyone in my path!! And what sucks the most is all of this probably originates with the headcases otherwise known as my parents. Thanks Mom and Dad.

 

You come across as highly insecure, somewhat bitter and desperate.

 

When people say they are sick and tired of dating, then they should make themselves unavailable and work on their innerself. YOU should be the most important person in YOUR universe.

 

It seems you could do with stepping away from the "game" and taking up hobbies. Rather than whinging and whining like a small child.

 

I want you remember one thing, it is okay to suffer failure, for a person cannot be successful if they haven't been a failure. Failing isn't fun, but it puts you in better stead and at twenty eight, you are still young. You are nearing your prime and yet you are going to waste it by being a whineypants with a chip on her shoulder.

 

It seems you are attracting the same sort of man, known as the Citizen Dildo, the men that just want sex, sex, sex! Nice guys won't approach you because they lack a pair. What you need is a great guy and they are hard to find and given your current attitude, they are unattainable at the moment. but why not trying to go steady with a nice guy, those guys are in the same boat as you and won't treat you badly, they'll offer you little or no stimulation, as they are sexually repressed, but they'll treat you like a Princess/Queen/Royalty and they'll tell you they love you which is what you are so desperate to hear.

[SassyKitten]

Forgive me for being in a cranky mood, I just had a horrible nightmare about my past last night, plus I can't stop thinking about how I was supposed to be flying to Hawaii in 3 days to see him.

 

Now of course I want a man who will love me. And the older I get the more desperate I get, which doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me human. However, I have never found a good way to make myself stop craving love so much in light of the fact that I have been denied this for so long thanks to circumstances outside of my control. And it doesn't help that society treats me as diseased because I'm 28 and single.

[zengirl]

Even with unhappy relationships though, I keep thinking well at least they aren't going to bed alone. Dangerous, I know, and it has made me end up in several emotionally abusive relationships

 

Way dangerous. This is probably your most dangerous belief I've heard yet. It explains a lot. The way to find a healthy relationship is to wait for one and prioritize "healthy" over "immediate."

 

I just can't believe I'm almost 30 and I still can't get this part of my life to be functional. It sucks.

 

Way to age yourself 2 extra years. Worry about now, rather than 30.

 

And what sucks the most is all of this probably originates with the headcases otherwise known as my parents. Thanks Mom and Dad.

 

Everyone has their crosses to bear. And plenty of people are screwed up at some point. In order to get happy, I think you're going to have to let go of anger and blame (that doesn't mean allowing your parents into your life if they're toxic, but it does mean accepting the situation emotionally). Either self-anger or anger at them or anger at men who've wronged you or anyone. Anger is poison, and it generally poisons the person holding onto it, not the person whose actions caused it.

 

No, but I do have basic human needs like everyone else like love and affection. I was supposed to fly to Hawaii in 3 days to see LDR, but he dumps me for his ex who cheated on him as soon as I tell him the entire truth about my parents. And the other 2 times I have told a boyfriend the truth about my parents, I have also been dumped soon after.

 

Naw, it's just the guys you pick, hon. Not the parents. A decent man would've still been there and supported you had you built a relationship (I'm not saying go around spilling it dramatically on the first date, obviously). A jerk is going to think, "Time to run" because of it.

 

And it doesn't help that society treats me as diseased because I'm 28 and single.

 

Just remember that's only the isolating, weird, backwards society where you are right now and not the world in general. 28 isn't that old to be single!

[Sphere]

Forgive me for being in a cranky mood, I just had a horrible nightmare about my past last night, plus I can't stop thinking about how I was supposed to be flying to Hawaii in 3 days to see him.

 

Now of course I want a man who will love me. And the older I get the more desperate I get, which doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me human. However, I have never found a good way to make myself stop craving love so much in light of the fact that I have been denied this for so long thanks to circumstances outside of my control. And it doesn't help that society treats me as diseased because I'm 28 and single.

 

YOU need to get hobbies, you need to travel, you need to meet NEW people.

 

We all want to be loved, but life isn't always simple or straight, so rather than sit there wallowing in misery, why don't YOU LIVE?

 

Live. Laugh. Love. That should be your order. I guarantee that if you took a step back from the dating game, concentrated on you, concentrated on improving yourself. Concentrated on your hobbies and interests. Fixed your horrible attitude, fixed your desperation and wash away your bitterness and self entitlement, you will attract a top quality man. But most men will see a load of red flags around you and will bolt. To be honest, I can't blame them as I would do the same.

 

I want to be wanted by a woman, not needed. There's the difference. I want a woman who is truly interested in ME, not a woman who just wants a man to love her and will settle for the first good thing that comes her way. I don't need a woman to be happy, I don't need a woman to complete me or complete my life. If I'm with a woman it is because she adds to my life, she will not be the centre of my universe, she will be something that circles my Universe like the moon circles earth.

 

If you had this attitude you would be better off now. It seems as though you expect all this overhyped romanticism rubbish, that is as fake as Rousseau, himself. No truly great man will adhere to a woman's version of love. My definition of love is a couple with a sick child, or a couple who have their backs up against a wall and still under all the pressure and strain that coats their body and soul they come out fighting as one, solitary unit.

 

You will find love when you are in a better position than you are at present. You are moving to Europe next year? I'm European and you will not have success with us with your attitude, so spend the latter part of this year changing it.

 

No one wants to be with a Debbie Downer.

[SassyKitten]

My trip next week is definitely coming at a good time then! And it's true, I need to try and not let the cultural norms of where I am get to me, as they often have. The average 28 year old where I am is married and putting their first kid through kindergarten. So good to know that's not the case everywhere.

 

As for my hobbies, they include things such as travelling, yoga, and hiking. All of which I get to indulge next week, finally! There's not really too many good places to hike around here and the weather has been unbearably hot, and as for yoga I haven't found anywhere around here to take classes so I'm limited to using DVDs at home. So a lot of my mentality lately has been that I have been feeling trapped. And the only reason why I'm in Georgia is my family is here right now, and I was extremely broke after going overseas for the first time as I was in my extremely young and irresponsible stage. And while I was here, I found out some disturbing things about my mother that made me lose all respect for her, which I'm glad at least I found them out. In any case, my time in Georgia is over, and the sooner I get out of here the better.

 

Which, reflecting back on my last relationship, I feel like we gravitated towards each other faster than we would have otherwise as there was a void in my life from having to sever my relationship with my mother. Not healthy. I wanted him to be my friend more than anything, and he disappointed me.

 

Really, I want to feel like a living, human being again. In the aftermath of my most recent breakup, it often does feel like having a man will accomplish that. Really though, first step is getting the hell out of this backwards, conservative, judgemental, Bible-slinging hellhole.

[Sphere]

My trip next week is definitely coming at a good time then! And it's true, I need to try and not let the cultural norms of where I am get to me, as they often have. The average 28 year old where I am is married and putting their first kid through kindergarten. So good to know that's not the case everywhere.

 

As for my hobbies, they include things such as travelling, yoga, and hiking. All of which I get to indulge next week, finally! There's not really too many good places to hike around here and the weather has been unbearably hot, and as for yoga I haven't found anywhere around here to take classes so I'm limited to using DVDs at home. So a lot of my mentality lately has been that I have been feeling trapped. And the only reason why I'm in Georgia is my family is here right now, and I was extremely broke after going overseas for the first time as I was in my extremely young and irresponsible stage. And while I was here, I found out some disturbing things about my mother that made me lose all respect for her, which I'm glad at least I found them out. In any case, my time in Georgia is over, and the sooner I get out of here the better.

 

Which, reflecting back on my last relationship, I feel like we gravitated towards each other faster than we would have otherwise as there was a void in my life from having to sever my relationship with my mother. Not healthy. I wanted him to be my friend more than anything, and he disappointed me.

 

Really, I want to feel like a living, human being again. In the aftermath of my most recent breakup, it often does feel like having a man will accomplish that. Really though, first step is getting the hell out of this backwards, conservative, judgemental, Bible-slinging hellhole.

 

It's fantastic to see that you enjoy the great outdoors as much as I do. It's not often that I find a woman who enjoys climbing up or abseiling down cliffs, mountains or who enjoys a long walk with nature.

 

It also great to see that you take care of yourself i.e. yoga and that you are open minded, you like to travel. See you have a lot going for youself. So WHY NOT put YOURSELF FIRST? Enjoy your life, be happy and then let someone in when your life is truly wholesome?

 

I think a change of scenary is what you need, this will help with a change in mentality and a change in your outlook, your attitude.

 

Put love, dating, romance, relationships on the backburner and concentrate on enjoying being single, enjoying being free and responsible to no one but yourself. Re-Kindle the spark in your life, be happy, strive for improvement where needed and always keep a positive attitude. Even when you are rejected or you fail in a relationship, do not see it as a personal thing, just accept that rejection is part of the parcel of life and find someone else. Do this with jobs, friendships, everything and anything. Failure is not a bad thing, if it deals lessons learned and if it forges success at the summit.

 

Keep going!

[SassyKitten]

I probably needed this kick in the ass too to avoid the urge to have a rebound fling while I'm in Montreal! There is still the voice in the back of my head that says if I let this wait for too long, then I'll pass menopause childless. Which can be fought if I feel like I have a support network wherever I'm at.

 

Rejection is something I've always had a hard time with though regardless. At least on a conscious level, it doesn't make me feel any more worthless, just irritated that people can't see what I have to offer.

 

All in all, I've felt like I've been in a coma for the last 2 years that I've been living where I've been living. Which has hit me so hard as I turn 30 before I know it!

 

Concerning dating though, serious question. I'm thinking that from now on, when I'm on a first date, I should say something along the lines of "I am estranged from both of my parents, it was necessary for my safety." Especially as family is a common topic of conversation on first dates. I figure it can help me separate the emotionally nurturing men from the emotionally distant ones. If this isn't the best way to handle something lilke this, then what is? That's really what all of my negative emotion comes down to, the fear that I will never find anyone because of my parents. Which is easily my biggest fear.

 

And that's what makes my most recent breakup sting that much more. I'm seeing that fear come true right before my eyes.

Edited August 1, 2010 by SassyKitten

[Sphere]

I probably needed this kick in the ass too to avoid the urge to have a rebound fling while I'm in Montreal! There is still the voice in the back of my head that says if I let this wait for too long, then I'll pass menopause childless. Which can be fought if I feel like I have a support network wherever I'm at.

 

Rejection is something I've always had a hard time with though regardless. At least on a conscious level, it doesn't make me feel any more worthless, just irritated that people can't see what I have to offer.

 

All in all, I've felt like I've been in a coma for the last 2 years that I've been living where I've been living. Which has hit me so hard as I turn 30 before I know it!

 

Concerning dating though, serious question. I'm thinking that from now on, when I'm on a first date, I should say something along the lines of "I am estranged from both of my parents, it was necessary for my safety." Especially as family is a common topic of conversation on first dates. I figure it can help me separate the emotionally nurturing men from the emotionally distant ones. If this isn't the best way to handle something lilke this, then what is? That's really what all of my negative emotion comes down to, the fear that I will never find anyone because of my parents. Which is easily my biggest fear.

 

And that's what makes my most recent breakup sting that much more. I'm seeing that fear come true right before my eyes.

 

Not every woman has a child in their twenties, I have even heard of women having children in their forties. It is getting more and more common in my country! Rejection is part of life, everyone has been rejected. Think of the prettiest woman and man you have ever seen and I bet they have been rejected more than once.

 

And do not mention such things on a first date. Such information doesn't need to be told on a date. You would put me off with that comment. I would call the date off if my date displayed such traits of anger, frustration and bitterness.

 

These are the three things that I have associated you with and I'm communicating to you online, can you imagine what message you are giving off when you are out in public?

[SassyKitten]

So they definitely won't abandon me later when I mention that? How to answer questions about my parents is something I have struggled with ever since I cut off my father 8 years ago. I've been abandoned several times before because of this as well. And yeah, big mistake starting a new relationship immediately after cutting off my mother.

 

In public, I come off as quiet at first, and as a complete smartass once people start talking to me.

[carhill]

serious question. I'm thinking that from now on, when I'm on a first date, I should say something along the lines of "I am estranged from both of my parents, it was necessary for my safety." Especially as family is a common topic of conversation on first dates. I figure it can help me separate the emotionally nurturing men from the emotionally distant ones. If this isn't the best way to handle something lilke this, then what is?

 

I look for a woman who *accepts* her history and lives in the here and now. As an emotionally nurturing male, I've had the nurture sucked out of me over the years into the abyss of perpetual recitation and repetition of childhood pain, suffering and abuse. With the end of my marriage, that era, meaning my tolerance for nurturing that kind of stuff, has ended. I'm sorry some folks had shytey childhoods. I really am. Equally so, I'm not interested in paying for those childhoods with my emotional health.

 

That's the best and most direct answer I can give, as someone on the 'old' side of 50. Good luck

 

And don't have a 'rebound fling'. Trust me...

[SassyKitten]

If my now-ex wasn't the type to have my back, it would have been nice if he'd just come out and tell me. People go through crap in life all the time, but a weak person (like my now-ex) runs for the hills as soon as things go bad, without any regard for how it sets back the person they supposedly care about.

 

It wasn't about me affecting his emotional health just by asking him to be there for me. But if he wants to see it that way, **** him. All I wanted was for him to make me laugh and put a smile on my face when I was having a bad day, it's not hard.

 

I don't know, I've just really gotten the impression over the last several years that I'm not worthy of love because of things that were done to me. And I'm trying to fight this, I really am.

 

EDIT:

 

Ok, that did sound very dramatic, to be honest the fact that I'm now 3 days away from when I was supposed to fly to Hawaii to visit LDR is depressing me considerably. I just don't know how to be patient when it keeps getting waved in front of my face and then snatched away. Basically, I just had to cut off my relationship with my mother 3 months ago, and I did not need the stress of this adding to it. It all reminds me of that thread with that guy asking if he should dump his girlfriend because she's stressed out from her job in the ER. Thanks for bearing with me, as thanks to me being isolated I really don't know where all I can turn to get me out of this black hole I'm in right now.

Edited August 1, 2010 by SassyKitten

[SassyKitten]

Question though, as for the short term, how can I go about keeping my sanity intact? I was supposed to see the BF in 3 days, I have a final exam for my accounting summer class in 2 days, and I can't stop crying when I really should be studying. I did intentionally book a hair appointment for the day I was supposed to fly to Hawaii, then Saturday is when I fly to Montreal.

 

I know that my lust for life has disappeared considerably ever since I've been living here. Yet another great reason to get out of Georgia. And thanks everyone for dealing with me during these few days leading up to when I was supposed to fly to Hawaii. This is the worst side of my personality that can come out here, and hopefully you'll see that much more in the coming days, even more likely if I swear off dating!

[SassyKitten]

I'm having a major moment right now. Right now, all I can think about is my now-ex screwing the cheating woman he dumped me for while I'm having more nightmares about my parents than ever ever since the breakup.

 

More proof that I need to work on myself, and SOMEHOW turn off this desire that I have felt ever since I was 12 to be close to someone.

[SassyKitten]

Montreal is this coming Saturday, I ended pushing my flight up there forward a few days so I'd have more time to recover from this breakup. What does concern me about my trip to Montreal is as of right now, I am in the stage where I have been shutting myself in my room crying, coming out every now and then for the occasional cigarette. I had quit smoking, but this recent breakup made me cave and get back on the cigarettes.

 

Anyway, when I'm on my trip I'll be staying in a dorm room in a hostel, so I can't really shut myself in my room and cry. Plus, I know while I'm up there I will probably be hit on, a lot. What I am also trying to figure out is how to turn off this burning desire I have in me to be with someone. Not only so that I won't have a rebound fling while I'm away, but also so that I can focus on myself. I need to recover from my destroyed relationship with my mother, and get out of Georgia. And I wish I hadn't met my now-ex when I did, as it made me take a major backslide as a person.

 

And turning off the desire to be with someone is critical for me right now. The ultimate test will be if I can get through this Valentines Day without cursing under my breath while I'm out shopping.