carhill Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Any advice to turn this desire of mine off? It's a hard one, and I've been struggling with it for over half my life. OOH, OOH, pick me! Sure, I lived that life and I can give you the cure. Get married. Getting married cured me of any further overwhelming desire to date or mingle or relate or anything like that. Saw it from the inside, accepted the reality, watched it fail, participated in the failure, and came out the other side in a neutral state. Worked great
gamma1 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Paddington - Thinking about this very quickly, and maybe I'll have more insight later, the one thing that made me choose the men I've gone for is they actually paid attention to me. Paid attention to me in the way that I craved when I was a fat kid and boys laughed in my face when I asked to dance. I even went so far as to fake being sick on prom night so I wouldn't have to go through the ridicule of not having a date. I do tend to pick men apart when I date them, and I'm doing this more and more the older I get. I just don't want to be hurt ever again. Is it possible you pick men who come on too strong at the beginning? I have to wonder based on what you say above. Those that are too into you on a first date can be bad news.
gamma1 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I do feel very far behind most people my age. And it's really hard going through life when most people are coupled up at my age, while I feel like Bridget Jones at the smug marrieds dinner party. It all feels so unattainable for me, and hurts. I want to try and put myself out there again, but I keep thinking what's the point? And socializing does get harder the older I get because of the element of jealousy. I am only human after all, but it does feel like most women can get an adoring partner as easily as I can get a loaf of bread. It would be so nice if I could stop craving a relationship, but then again the deprivation I've experienced my whole life combined with the way the media shoves it in our faces nonstop makes this impossible. Any advice to turn this desire of mine off? It's a hard one, and I've been struggling with it for over half my life. I understand the pain and jealous feelings of being far behind. Marriage seems completely unattainable to me too and I'm getting closer to 40 with little dating experience. As far behind as someone may be, there's always someone further behind. Even in my case it's true. I've been told over and over to be as happy as possible as a single person. This should make it easier to find the man you are looking for. I really think this is key. I'm thinking your move just might help a lot.
Author SassyKitten Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 Haha, I wish I could get a man even remotely interested in marrying me, that would feel like quite the accomplishment after everything! I tend to go for the first ones to recognize me, and I'm learning after posting on here that that's one habit that needs to be broken, now. I don't know how to be happy as a single person though when the vast majority of people have what it feels like I'll never have. And I thought that working my ass off and losing weight would fix this, but obviously not. And actually I have many moments where it makes me feel spiteful that I worked my ass off and it's still not good enough.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Haha, I wish I could get a man even remotely interested in marrying me, that would feel like quite the accomplishment after everything! I tend to go for the first ones to recognize me, and I'm learning after posting on here that that's one habit that needs to be broken, now. I don't know how to be happy as a single person though when the vast majority of people have what it feels like I'll never have. And I thought that working my ass off and losing weight would fix this, but obviously not. And actually I have many moments where it makes me feel spiteful that I worked my ass off and it's still not good enough. HEY!!! Stop Complaining! You don't have it bad at all. YOU are the one picking these guys. It isn't where you live... or what you look like... or all men are this way... or whatever. Fact is you pass over great guys all the time and don't even realize it because your only attracted to @$$Clowns! Look... I've had women break me into a million pieces with lying and cheating and using me to pay for stuff... and you know what? I KNOW it's my fault. I picked them... and I let those things happen.
Author SassyKitten Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 I am not only attracted to clowns! Though it would be so great if I was able to read the minds of men I was talking to, but I can't. I do know that I am probably overcompensating for the days when I was the fat girl at the school dances. So impatience is probably one thing that kills my relationships quicker than anything. For over half my life I have wanted to know what it feels like to be loved, and it sucks that I'm almost 30 and have no idea what that feels like!!!! And my heart was broken very recently too. I was in a LDR untill last Thursday, when he dumped me for his ex(who cheated on him!), and this was right after I told him I was estranged from my parents. This is not the first time I've been dumped for another woman after telling a man this, in fact, it's happened all 3 times in my life I have told a man this. I was supposed to fly to Hawaii to be with him in 4 days. And I can't stop crying. I went a few days without crying, but it all came back yesterday. I loved him, but that douchebag was so cold and unemotional he wouldn't recognize love. And most people can take love for granted. I swear to God I am sick of people going "Oh, M**, you're such a gorgeous woman, why are you single?" Anyway, **** him. Thanks to Delta letting me do a route change on that ticket, I am flying to Montreal for only $76!
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I am not only attracted to clowns! Though it would be so great if I was able to read the minds of men I was talking to, but I can't. I loved him, but that douchebag was so cold and unemotional he wouldn't recognize love. Of course your don't read minds... you subconsciously read actions, words, and emotions. Any guy that is stable loving and decent... is going to look like an ugly midget with horns to you. Yeah, you were overweight as a teen. Guess what... your still the same person inside! Also... I can TELL you don't have a good relationship with your father. And most people can take love for granted. I swear to God I am sick of people going "Oh, M**, you're such a gorgeous woman, why are you single?" Anyway, **** him. Thanks to Delta letting me do a route change on that ticket, I am flying to Montreal for only $76! No... most people don't take love for granted. Only Jerkwads do that. Don't make the mistake of thinking your the only one that's been hurt. Who are you going to Montreal with?
Author SassyKitten Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 I'm going to Montreal by myself, but staying in a hostel so I should meet people easily. And I got back in touch on Facebook a few days ago with a friend (platonic male friend) I made when I was travelling overseas several years ago who lives there now, so it'll be good to have someone local there to meet up with. And you're right about my father, assuming he even deserves the dignity of being called that. To put it as nicely as humanly possible, he's the ****ing Antichrist. And it makes me even more furious with him when yet another relationship bites the dust thanks to him, despite the fact that I haven't spoken to him in 8 years.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I'm going to Montreal by myself, but staying in a hostel so I should meet people easily. And I got back in touch on Facebook a few days ago with a friend (platonic male friend) I made when I was travelling overseas several years ago who lives there now, so it'll be good to have someone local there to meet up with. And you're right about my father, assuming he even deserves the dignity of being called that. To put it as nicely as humanly possible, he's the ****ing Antichrist. And it makes me even more furious with him when yet another relationship bites the dust thanks to him, despite the fact that I haven't spoken to him in 8 years. I believe that you are attracted to a certain type of guy, one that can't give you his full heart... and then you try to make him love you. Well... Stop It! That won't work... and even if it did... it won't make you feel the way you want it to. Yeah... that's partly your parents fault. Unfortuneatly they can't fix it, and they don't bear the consequences of it. It's up to you! You need to fix your attraction problems. If you think moving is going to make everything better your nuts. You will just go running to the same guys in a different city. Havn't you ever wondered why all the guys you find seem to be mixed up with other women? Ever think that's maybe what you liked about them? Now... do you get what I'm saying? Sassy... I think your way too good a person to be putting yourself through all this!
Author SassyKitten Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 My primary reason for moving isn't to fix all of this, it's for better job opportunities, and the fact that there's only so much of Bible-banging nutcases I can take. Meanwhile, I am reading as many self-help books as I can, especially on my issues that are classified, so that I won't take this excess baggage with me. As of right now, I do need a vacation, and I'm not going to spend my semester break sitting on my ass in Georgia feeling sorry for myself while my now-ex is banging the hell out of his ex-girlfriend. Especially because of what I just said in my last post. It would be so nice if my parents could bear the consequences of their actions instead of me spending my life single and unloved as the consequence of said actions.
MrNate Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I do feel very far behind most people my age. And it's really hard going through life when most people are coupled up at my age, while I feel like Bridget Jones at the smug marrieds dinner party. It all feels so unattainable for me, and hurts. I want to try and put myself out there again, but I keep thinking what's the point? And socializing does get harder the older I get because of the element of jealousy. I am only human after all, but it does feel like most women can get an adoring partner as easily as I can get a loaf of bread. It would be so nice if I could stop craving a relationship, but then again the deprivation I've experienced my whole life combined with the way the media shoves it in our faces nonstop makes this impossible. Any advice to turn this desire of mine off? It's a hard one, and I've been struggling with it for over half my life. Ha, don't run from it, embrace it. Bathe in it. It's what you want, why would you deny yourself something you really want a piece of? You know deep down it won't work. There's no turning that switch off! You want some heart pounding, stomach butterfly lovin'.
kdark Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 It would be so nice if my parents could bear the consequences of their actions instead of me spending my life single and unloved as the consequence of said actions. Welcome to the club... You may have done this already, but have you considered counseling? That might be just what you need to get all those pent up feelings out about your parents and finally get to move on from the situation...
Author SassyKitten Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 Ha, don't run from it, embrace it. Bathe in it. It's what you want, why would you deny yourself something you really want a piece of? You know deep down it won't work. There's no turning that switch off! You want some heart pounding, stomach butterfly lovin'. Yeah, but if it's unattainable, at least for the time I'm working on myself anyway, I would be doing a better service for myself if I could turn that desire off. Besides, I've heard so often that once you stop wanting it it always finds you.
Author SassyKitten Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 kdark - Doing that right now. Though what I really need is hypnotherapy, but then I live in the Bible Belt where none of that exists as people seem to think its the work of Satan.
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 My primary reason for moving isn't to fix all of this, it's for better job opportunities, and the fact that there's only so much of Bible-banging nutcases I can take. Meanwhile, I am reading as many self-help books as I can, especially on my issues that are classified, so that I won't take this excess baggage with me. As of right now, I do need a vacation, and I'm not going to spend my semester break sitting on my ass in Georgia feeling sorry for myself while my now-ex is banging the hell out of his ex-girlfriend. Especially because of what I just said in my last post. Sassy... have fun in Montreal... and put some thought into what really attracts you to a man. It would be so nice if my parents could bear the consequences of their actions instead of me spending my life single and unloved as the consequence of said actions. It's just not how life works. Some day your children will have to fix the issues you and their father dump on them. It's the way of the world. Getting past this will make you a better person!
GordonDarkfoot Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 IMO, the only way to avoid being hurt ever again is to live at the South Pole and talk to penguins.Not true at all. Those little f*ckers can be vicious, and they gang up on you and peck your ass off. Edit: IME.
Author SassyKitten Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 Gordon - LOL! Yeah, penguins may look cute at first but they can be vicious bastards! Untouchable - I will definitely have fun, and I am making sure I do everything in my power to resist having a rebound fling. That's what I have been trying to contemplate lately, what attracts me to a man that is. As of right now, I'm thinking that I want to be the one to make the first move. And I do want kids so badly, which is another reason it kills me that I have trouble holding down a relationship. While I'm not expecting myself to be perfect as a mother, I also don't plan on doing anything to them that could have me legally prosecuted.
Woggle Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 My upbringing was pure hell and I managed to find somebody so just give it time. Though as you can tell by my posts it leave me with a whole lot of issues.
carhill Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Not true at all. Those little f*ckers can be vicious, and they gang up on you and peck your ass off. Edit: IME. Ah, so that was you. I did wave Besides, I've heard so often that once you stop wanting it it always finds you. LOL, I tried that for about 15 years, traveling, building a business, racing. Result? 15 years of being alone. Fail
gamma1 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Haha, I wish I could get a man even remotely interested in marrying me, that would feel like quite the accomplishment after everything! I tend to go for the first ones to recognize me, and I'm learning after posting on here that that's one habit that needs to be broken, now. I don't know how to be happy as a single person though when the vast majority of people have what it feels like I'll never have. And I thought that working my ass off and losing weight would fix this, but obviously not. And actually I have many moments where it makes me feel spiteful that I worked my ass off and it's still not good enough. That's the first step to know you have to break the habit. I'm sure you have it within to be happy, whether single or in a relationship. You've had some very tough things happen in your life so cut yourself some slack. Working your ass off and losing weight are going to help you in many ways, far beyond finding love. I do know that I am probably overcompensating for the days when I was the fat girl at the school dances. So impatience is probably one thing that kills my relationships quicker than anything. For over half my life I have wanted to know what it feels like to be loved, and it sucks that I'm almost 30 and have no idea what that feels like!!!! And my heart was broken very recently too. I was in a LDR untill last Thursday, when he dumped me for his ex(who cheated on him!), and this was right after I told him I was estranged from my parents. This is not the first time I've been dumped for another woman after telling a man this, in fact, it's happened all 3 times in my life I have told a man this. I was supposed to fly to Hawaii to be with him in 4 days. And I can't stop crying. I went a few days without crying, but it all came back yesterday. I loved him, but that douchebag was so cold and unemotional he wouldn't recognize love. And most people can take love for granted. I swear to God I am sick of people going "Oh, M**, you're such a gorgeous woman, why are you single?" Anyway, **** him. Thanks to Delta letting me do a route change on that ticket, I am flying to Montreal for only $76! I think you know impatience is something you have to work on and maybe that's also leading you to end up with the wrong type of men. Not knowing what love feels like stinks, but your chances are very good of finding love. You are better off without that ex. **** him is right. If you end up dating a man who is no good like one of your exes again, see if you can do the dumping next time. I hope the next man that you date turns out to be the good guy man of your dreams. Also, ignore the people that ask you why you are single. They don't know what they're talking about. It sounds like your trip to Montreal is coming at a great time!
Author SassyKitten Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 I just sent the ex a text saying I'm sorry for hurting him and pushing him away. No response. This hurts. I just really needed him to have my back on so many things that were happening in my life.
gamma1 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 My primary reason for moving isn't to fix all of this, it's for better job opportunities, and the fact that there's only so much of Bible-banging nutcases I can take. Meanwhile, I am reading as many self-help books as I can, especially on my issues that are classified, so that I won't take this excess baggage with me. As of right now, I do need a vacation, and I'm not going to spend my semester break sitting on my ass in Georgia feeling sorry for myself while my now-ex is banging the hell out of his ex-girlfriend. Especially because of what I just said in my last post. It would be so nice if my parents could bear the consequences of their actions instead of me spending my life single and unloved as the consequence of said actions. I used to live in the Bible belt too and I got myself out of there a a long time ago. It's one of the best decisions I have ever made. It's so important for your own sanity to live in a place that you enjoy. It seems like your parents weren't there for you which is a real shame. I don't know what effect that has had on your relationships, but it certainly could not have helped. Rather than having help from parents, you have had to learn from others or by yourself, which is not easy.
gamma1 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I just sent the ex a text saying I'm sorry for hurting him and pushing him away. No response. This hurts. I just really needed him to have my back on so many things that were happening in my life. He is the one who hurt you. He should be sorry. Not the other way around. He didn't have your back which is shameful on his part. I think communicating with exes is just going to hurt you. It seems like a better idea to move on.
Brady_to_Moss Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 (edited) He is the one who hurt you. He should be sorry. Not the other way around. He didn't have your back which is shameful on his part. I think communicating with exes is just going to hurt you. It seems like a better idea to move on. x2. Bad idea on txting your ex...not very smart But on topic here, i have been doing my own thing for years now. Traveling..working..getting my masters in 10 months and you know what? Haven't found one person nor had a person of the opposite sex ask me out. You know what? I could care less. Being single is awesome. And the saying is NOT true...even if you stop trying..you still wont find anyone. Biggest BS out there. Edited August 1, 2010 by Brady_to_Moss
Author SassyKitten Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 Yeah, **** him. He's about as warm and cuddly as the penguins at the South Pole! My plan for the next few years is to carry on travelling, and broadcast that I'm available so hopefully I will meet someone worthy. And as Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." I'm just trying to figure out how else to turn over a new leaf besides being extra-cynical of men who approach me first and going out of the first date in daylight when we're both sober. There was one song I heard when I was in Australia that went "There's no aphrodesiac like loneliness." So touche.
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